Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. I have been planning to divorce my H b/c I am just burnt out. We are not in love, fighting it is not good. Lent is a time for reflection and renewal a time to choose which path of life you will take. To be a better person. I decided, for my family, I needed to choose hope for my marriage. We talked we agreed we are both a part of this mess let's try.
What if the path of life is not together though. Seriously we are like gas and fire. When combined we combust. He is all over the place which gives me and now we are finding out my 4 year old daughter severe anxiety. I have set boundaries for myself to deal with this but I have so many boundaries to deal with him I am exhausted.
We have had trouble with our 4 year old not wanting him to take her to school or pretty much be alone with her without me around. The only thing we can get out of her is I don't like that daddy just stays home don't go to school some days. And she mentioned when she is home with him he just sits on his computer. He does play with them and is affectionate but it is when he wants to be not when they want. For me it is a full-time job in addition to my working full-time job. And if I cannot be playful and affectionate during a time like trying to get dinner on the table or getting ready for work I tell them why I cannot hold them then try to let them help with something. It is frustrating but this is how it is being a mom. You never do anything alone anymore. So anyway he used to take them to school in the morning b/c I have to be to work at 730 and he needed to do something to help as a parent. He started being really flaky with this a few months ago so I just said screw it I'll be late and get them to school. Kids and I got a routine down but then he decided he wanted to take them again. Except kids threw a fit b/c they like going with me now. So we finally thought we got 4 year old back to going with him in mornings except this morning we had an issue again. I asked him to get kids ready while I get dressed and I would do hair. He sat and played on his phone then when I came down he tells them ok you have to get dressed, hurry, mommy is ready to leave. They got all freaked out I was leaving and said mommy needs to dress us (control, keeping mommy home) this made H happy b/c now he does not have to dress them. I try and dress them and they fuss over everything which is why he hates dressing them. He is meanwhile upstairs getting dressed then sat on his computer. I finally just had a meltdown/tantrum. I just started crying and screaming. Why does no one care about me and my schedule or what I want! Why am I always giving!? Why can't I get what I need?! He of course informed me I was being a bad parent b/c I had a meltdown in front of our children.
I literally feel like I am going crazy. Like I have reached stage crazy. I almost thought of checking in at a mental institution just to get away from the madness. Ironically enough my Lent quote of the day was "I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse" -Deuteronomy 30:19
Ok I just needed to vent somewhere. Thanks.
I'm sorry about your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm sorry about your situation. I don't blame you at all for having a meltdown. I felt anxious just reading your descriptions of your days generally and this particular morning. I'll respond at more length later.
You are dealing w/ Overwhelming circumstances....
Submitted by c ur self on
I can see how the work associated w/ raising young children, working full time w/ time conflicts between work and school could cause you some anxiety for sure....An over worked mommy who turns emotional from time to time...Is a much better parent than a lazy irresponsible one any day!
The only mistake I see you are making is taking on the responsibilities of one to many children, You can't do a good job of trying to be both parents....You need to choose one!...
Just my thoughts concerning your post....
C
MrsADD...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
You have my deepest understanding.
As long as I have been on this forum I have held back on offering anything but my empathy and sympathy to the many heart breaking posts. You have been on my mind and upon reading this I am compelled to write you based on my "view". This is not advice per se.....just a shared situation that paralleled mine...give or take.
I am 61....married 44 years to ADD spouse. Undiagnosed for 37 of those years. You can imagine that trying to figure out "WHAT" is off in the marriage for almost a lifetime has not been handled well by me. What I now know is I became "side tracked" perhaps even fixated on being the wife my husband wanted.(can we say.....what kind of issues did I have? Oh my) I know I truly loved my H but somewhere along the way I never thought to "require" anything from him.( hello? remember me?) I had to be the one who wasn't understanding or measuring up. THIS is what I told myself. I became so distracted with my hope of "feeling" loved by him I know now I put my children second. I loved them dearly but my H was first and foremost....waaaay out of balance!!!!! My behavior during their younger years caused them a lot of hurt and pain...not physically but emotionally. I live with it every day......even though I finally came to my senses( way too many years later). The upshot for me was....I was taking out my frustration and confusion trying to have a life with their father on them. What a horrifying truth to live with. I am NOT blaming him. My behavior is my responsibility and those two precious girls of mine deserved MUCH better from me than they got. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have apologized and taken FULL responsibility for my behavior. They were in their late teens by then and I couldn't be prouder of the terrific beings they are....inside and out.( On a side note my oldest passed away suddenly at 24 of an undiagnosed heart issue).
Those 2 little beings should have been my priority over wasting my time trying to have a marriage with someone who just couldn't step up to what a marriage is. He's not a bad person. He has a HUGE emotional disconnect disorder and ADD.
Life IS short....not just for us......but also for those we love AND who love us IN RETURN. Why do we waste time living in a one sided marriage? My loving my spouse was of no value to him.......I needed to GROW UP.
I trust you love your children. Do not let your present situation become your focus. Remind yourself that you and your children......NEED YOU :) They need you to be the BEST you are and all that entails.
I wish you the absolute better future you can have and I hope I have not offended by anything I have said.
Mrs. ADD, This post describes me perfectly
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Mrs. ADD, and Zapp, Hi, and glad you wrote these posts. I'm sorry Mrs. ADD that you are going through this also, especially such a LONG term marriage, like mine. (mine 33 years, undiagnosed close to 25 years) I too, thought I was going insane, and developed a huge self loathing from all of it. I HATED who I became. I am a good person, and LOVING, and kind, and optimistic in most things, but this marriage changed me drastically as a person, to where I became a non-person. I didn't even know who or WHAT I was any longer. So I left last year and moved in with my oldest daughter.
Anyway, Zapp, the way you described interacting with your husband is pretty much what I did also. I feel that I didn't give my BEST self to my daughters, because I was trying SO HARD to have a decent MARRIAGE. Sadly, to someone who wasn't invested in the marriage at all, and all he could see was his own career and self. But, my daughters still grew up to be the most incredible, loving and capable women I have ever known. I am SO PROUD of them, and who they are. They each did go through their own difficult times, but fortunately that was only for a short while, and now they are both married to good men, and have families of their own that are stable, affectionate and LOVING........yes, so PROUD of them.
My advice Mrs. ADD would be the same that Zapp gave you. Focus on your CHILDREN, instead of your husband, please. Your children will thank you for that, AND you probably won't ever get the love or attention you would ever like from your husband. We never did, no matter WHAT we tried, and nothing worked. You can't get someone with ADHD out of denial, if they choose to stay there. Most people with ADHD don't believe their condition affects the people around them, least of all their spouses.
If you go on Youtube, and look up Dr. Russell Barkley, you will find some GREAT videos about ADHD, that will explain some things in down to earth ways. His video on " ADHD and Emotions" is particularly good, as well as the one called " ADHD and Executive Functioning".
After such a long term marriage, and most of the years having been undiagnosed and untreated, it affected me a great deal. Sometimes, with the more I learn, the farther it seems I have to go, but the BEST thing, is not having to daily obsess about what my husband is or isn't DOING. My stress level has decreased significantly. I KNEW I was super stressed out, but didn't realize JUST how much, until the stress began to reverse some.
I too, didn't want much, and didn't need much, but I DID want the love and support of my husband, and those were the things he just couldn't seem to give. I didn't understand why, and I STILL don't understand why he even asked me to marry him in the first place. After thinking about this, I'm pretty sure it was an impulsive decision he made, and I was "second choice" for a wife. (the girl he was "in love" with had already married someone else) Didn't find this out until recently. I told him he didn't really KNOW me, because if he did, he would have known that HONESTY was the thing I held most dear. Anyway, that's over.
I don't know if they can TRULY step up and have a 'partnership' type of marriage. But, SOME DO. Dr. Russell Barkley has ADHD, and he explains about what it takes for couples with this condition in the mix, to HAVE a good relationship. Problem is: so many with the condition are afraid to deal with it. They've lived with all their lives, and developed their own coping strategies, that to THEM is "normal". But, to those around them, it's not so normal, which causes the problems in interactions. J, on this forum gives EXCELLENT advice, and I love reading his posts. He's done an enormous amount of study about his ADHD, along with therapy, puts the positive actions into practice, which I incredibly admire him for.
I wish you well also.
Again, I'm so sorry about
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Again, I'm so sorry about your marriage. If you're open to thinking about how to navigate this particular situation, here are a few suggestions. The most important thing is that your children get to school on time. A close second is that you get to work on time. Because your children are still very young and must rely on someone to take care of them and keep them safe, their emotions are also important. So focus on whatever tactics will get you and the children to where you need to be in the morning with as little drama as possible. You might want to pull your husband aside to explain that you understand that melting down in front of the children wasn't ideal but that it was a direct result of his behavior, and that you and your children will all do better if he behaves responsibly.
Gosh, this brings up sad and painful memories for me. My ex did well enough with our daughters when they were little, but I think there were things he did (or didn't do) that endangered them that I didn't know about at the time. We're all still kind of fragile now, even though they're in their 20s and I've been living on my own for several years.