Hello. I am new to this forum. I have ADHD that comes with some pretty severe RSD. (rejection sensitive dysphoria) I feel like these things are ruining my life and my marriage. I have a great team of healthcare professionals and a wonderful therapist. I take my medication faithfully and eat right and exercise and go to therapy regularly. My husband and I see a marriage therapist as well. I am doing all the things, but am feeling very hopeless because it doesn't seem to be making a difference (mostly in my marriage). In my opinion, my husband has ADHD as well, but he has never been diagnosed. He is not the type that goes to the doctor unless he is dying. In the past year, I have been able to get him to attend some therapy sessions alone with our marriage therapist. He will go a few times, and then he stops. He thinks that he can handle whatever it is on his own, and that he doesn't need to continue therapy. We have been married for almost 15 years. I love my husband very much, and am trying everything in my power to make this family work. He and our relationship is a top priority for me. I feel so discouraged because it doesn't seem to be that way for him. I am starting to question if he loves me. It certainly seems like I love him more than he loves me. When I express hurt feelings because he doesn't seem to want to spend time, or ignores my invitations to spend time together, it makes him angry. He does not communicate his needs or plans with me. He doesn't express his feelings or thoughts on things. I am either guessing or asking a lot of questions to figure it out, which also makes him mad at me. He seems to constantly be on the defensive, but tells me that it is my fault because of the way that I approach him. I have tried a lot of different approaches, but they all are met with the same defensiveness and irritation. It is so discouraging to just want to be close to the person you love the most, but they treat you like you are constantly attacking them. I feel like I am constantly asking for his attention and affection. I am the only one initiating sex and my self esteem is pretty much down the toilet. I get told that I am crazy or insane, and that I am the problem. I am doing everything I know to do to fix myself and be healthy and emotionally stable, but it seems impossible. I feel like my brain is broken and un-fixable. Any emotional support I get comes from my parents or close friends. I am so tired of calling on them for the support I need. I am just so tired of all this in general. I am to the point that I want to just be someone else. I don't like myself and I don't know that any amount of pills, exercise, or therapy is going to fix that. I don't want to love my husband anymore. It is just too painful. I feel trapped because I have given up my financial independence to spend more time with my kids. Working part time and trying to go back to school doesn't leave enough money for me to just separate from him and get a place of my own. I put him through school for the first 8 years of our marriage, and now I feel like my choice to pursue my dreams and goals now was a mistake. Housing costs are out of control and I just can't afford a place of my own right now, even though I feel like that is what I need a lot of the time. I have expressed my needs and asked for just 30-45 minutes a day of him trying to make me feel important to him, but I guess that is too much to ask for? I don't know anymore if I really am the problem or not. I believe that marriage takes two and that one person can't be responsible for 100% of the issues in a relationship. I can't make him change or feel a certain way about me. I can't make him realize that some of these issues are his and not mine. No one is perfect, and we all mess up. At least I know what my issues are and I am trying to deal with them. I want to be happy, but feel more like I am on an emotional roller coaster most of the time. How do I get off of this ride? It is making me sick.
New here but desparate
Submitted by ADHDrsdmess on 08/18/2023.
Creative or interim solutions?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
When I wanted to leave, I really wanted an ideal scenario, however, that wasn't really possible at the time. When this is the case, there may be creative solutions that will work for you at least in the interim, even if they aren't what you want for the long-term. For example:
No matter what, you're playing the long game of your life and this just isn't going to be easy no matter how you slice it. I'd recommend you start prioritizing yourself (even if you decide to stay) at all costs. You deserve it.
Welcome
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Hi!
I'm so sorry about the pain you are experiencing. It's a tough spot to be in.
I'm the ADHD spouse and what you wrote sounds pretty similar to what my wife and have dealt with/are dealing with.
What 1Melody1 wrote is very wise and good advice I think. My wife was given very similar advice when we were separated for about 8 months. I was not taking my meds, I'm also bi-polar, and did not know the ADHD diagnosis until just a few months ago. Lithium and Welbutrin have really helped. So has therapy. I deal with RSD also and at times I blamed my wife for things when it was really my issue and over time that really hurt her. She is working through that and I have to remind myself it takes time and to let her have that time.
My wife did what 1Melody1 suggested which was to take care of herself first. This involved counseling for her, getting out church elders involved, and setting some healthy boundaries. Honestly at the time 2 years ago I was pretty pissed. I'm pretty stubborn and proud at times and it took awhile for me to see and hear her pain. We both developed some very unhealthy communication habits/patterns that we are slowly addressing. A lot of those patterns were started because neither of us knew why I was acting the way I was. We both thought I was just a horrible, lazy, selfish, immature person and I began to think that was my identity and she treated me like it was. Once we found out I had a organic brain issue then things shifted but very slowly. We are still in process. It's agonizing for me. I think im feeling a very small part of her pain as my withdrawing is/was very painful for her.
What I've been told is that all I can do is work on my issues, own my faults, and work hard to change. There have been times recently where my wife has said and done things that are very hurtful. I think though they are coming from grieving the fact our marriage is marked by mental illness and ADHD and not malice or forethought of hurting me. I didn't or couldn't listen for years so she felt she had to shout to cut through the noise in my head.
The only hope we had was me getting therapy, counseling, meds, and then me working to change. I think that's the only hope for any couple who deals with these types of issues. If your husband is unwilling to change that is on him not you. My mom once told my dad " I did t marry you to make you miserable. If you are that miserable you can leave." It woke him up and he kinda changed I'm not saying you should do that just that it's ok and good to set boundaries.
From what you wrote it sounds like you are really trying hard to change and that needs to be acknowledged. Good on you for doing that hard work.
Take care of yourself.
QM
Being different....
Submitted by c ur self on
Two of the most difficult things in life is 1) Owning who we are, our thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and coming to awareness of the effects that our lived out lives is having on our own mental and emotional health, the mental and emotional health of our spouse and children....And just as difficult, if not more so, is Changing the dynamic's of our own lives.....
I have empathy for you; your story about your ability to connect w/your husband is much like my own story with my ADD wife...What I did to move past a lot of the self inflicted pressure was to ask myself a lot of hard questions....I realized I was wanting something from someone they did not have to give me....That is control.....I was wanting to fix her into this person who could meet my needs....You may say (like we most all do) well, marriage is suppose to be about being one, and sharing in life...Yes it is!...But, at what cost to my mental and emotional health do I keep pressing for her to come around? It's been 15 years, and she is still the highly distractible, self absorbed minded individual...She hates the mundane, and avoids it all cost....She lives as messy as an untrained child? She avoids sex, (puts it off, until guilt gets to her, lol)....
About 5 years ago, I started working on me....Boundaries, I stopped attempting to fix her, and placing expectations on her that she showed she had no ability or desire to meet...I just accepted her and her living of life, just like she is....lt was difficult!...But, it got easier, I realized I didn't have to stop loving her, to accept that she would never be the person that had the kind of traits, or abilities that I have when it comes to closeness, sharing, intimacy, cooking an cleaning etc.....It allowed me to start asking myself questions that were lost on me, because I was so consumed with the marriage....Questions like....Who am I, and what do I want out of life, now that I'm not consumed in thought about her life all the time? So I started going to the gym, bought a bike, started taking an occasional beach trip (I learned to be content, and enjoy my life alone, I have close friends, and children and grands I am close with)....I still do things with her when we can agree...Which we can't agree on a lot, so I accept that, and to avoid conflict, I just share in what we can share in peaceably...I'm like you, the initiator of sex 95% of the time...But because her pat answer is "No", or "Maybe tomorrow"....I finally had to learn to just let it go, and quit persuing her so often...(I like sex about twice a week)...And to her credit, she was fine with that most of the time...It's really comical now, if I don't pursue her for a week or more, she starts finding reason's to show me stuff, or ask me a question, while she just happens to be naked...:)....
Ask yourself these questions.....What is life like for my husband in the moments we do share time? Who talks, what about, who chooses the tv programs?...If he attempts to talk, or pick the tv program, or you fine with it? Are you perfectly content just being by his side, quietly, no matter what might be on the tv? Can you listen calmly and follow along with interest if he decides to share verbally with you? I am not saying you can't do all these things, and that spending time by your side isn't pleasant ....But, some times the answers to what we view as others peoples struggles lies within us....My wife, want even set by me if I'm watching sports...she comes in the den, and says things like, "I will set with you and watch tv, if I can pick the show"....Some times I say I don't care and hand her the remote, and sometimes I say no...If no, then she spends around and heads to her hide out...(she moved in the quest room a couple of years ago)....
Some times adhd minds get so self absorbed (hers) they really don't realize how controlling they are...They attempt to think for others, (Ive done it)...It we perceive it's good or entertaining to us...It should be good for everyone else...(A little like a narcissist) My wife is terrible about it...At Christmas, she is up instructing everyone....I'll say to her, can't you just set down and quietly watch others enjoying themselves without pressing them? Of course she just stares out me...She justifies it...She knows I know she can't...lol....Our adult kids, and grand children love her very much, and deal with her, but, they get to go home! :)...But, they will call her down if she gets to out there...She will ignore me, but, the adult children, now that breaks her heart a bit....
I sure hope you can turn your attention more on your own peace (you don't have to stop loving and wanting the best for your husband to do it) and just start taking a little more time with friends, church family, what ever you take joy in...(((hugs)))
Bless you!
c
Perhaps take a step back and breathe?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You are suffering horribly, it sounds, but perhaps there are some ways out of this.
First, it isn't ADHD that causes divorce. It's people refusing to engage with their issues that causes divorce...because then nothing changes. Your partner isn't owning his part of the responsibility. I wonder if he would take the couples seminar this Fall, at least, if you asked him to do it for your sake? It will help him realize that this isn't about YOU, but about ADHD and responses (his) to ADHD.
Second, his verbal abuse (name calling) and disinterest has taken a toll on you. But I hope that you can see what I've written there HIS actions have taken a toll on you. The fact that HE is verbally abusive doesn't mean that you are the things he is telling you. That abuse is about HIM and his poor choices about how to behave. That said, having experienced emotionally abusive behavior myself (as well as doled it out) I have seen how hard it can be to move away from feeling crappy about oneself when the person who loves you most is telling you you are crazy or insane...
Here are some suggestions for you:
Many won't change
Submitted by Jimbo on
I am separating from my wife of 14 years. I have struggled like you dealing with the same problems and taking over more and more of the household and relationship responsibilities. In early March I sent my wife a long email which I am so glad I did laying out how a cared for her but that buildup of the conflict and inconsistency in our marriage was wearing me down (for the hundredth time. I didn't say that part) I told her I was becoming hopeless that we were going to beat our demons but that I needed her actively engaged in working through things. Yada yada. Nothing I hadn't said so many times before. We went on a trip together the next month for our anniversary which was colored with animosity as everything seems to be.. I made a few more attempts to practice therapeutic communication with her but was met with resistance. That was my moment of revelation. I asked myself at that point what was I doing all this for? She has ADHD and won't manage it for long before she stops the medicine without telling me and and stops coaching or exercising or sleeping in regular patterns and, and.....3 months later I told her I wanted a divorce. It was scary but liberating. I agreed we could take 90 days and see where we were at if she sought counseling. I felt her individual problems had to be addressed before I would once again invest myself. Long story short she hadn't read the email until late July. No real improvements could be made in 90 days. She needs years and I don't trust her to stick with it anyway. Bottom line she didn't change because it was working for her but it wasn't for me. We are two incompatible people who had a long run. But now it is done. It was necessary for me to go through all the frustration and heartache to assure myself that I did all I could. She knows I have too. I hope her resiliency gets her through. She became progressively more dependent on me for most things while I became less dependent on her and the unreliability she demonstrated. I feel very guilty and plan to help all I can through the divorce. Not sure if that will just be enabling though. I feel your pain. Thank you for letting me share mine. Letting go can be healthy and necessary. You can make it happen but it involves alot of sacrifice.