7 Steps for Addressing Non-ADHD Partner Burnout

A good self-care routine is essential to make it through the hurdles and chaotic life that ADHD throws our way. What would self-care look like in that chaos?

We all know the obvious practices of self-care, like taking a bath, going for an energizing run, getting a manicure, or going for a massage. But what about the kind of self-care that is simple yet goes deeper and builds the foundation of our well-being? When your relationship is affected by ADHD, self-care has to be a constant practice in your daily routine to be able to navigate daily life with calm as well as weather the more difficult times. It helps us to build a layer of resilience.

These seven pillars of true self-care are foundational to lifelong well-being and the joyful life you deserve.

1. Get good sleep and rest.  Without sleep, things easily spiral out of control; we procrastinate; reach for sugar; drop our exercise commitments; and easily disconnect from other forms of self-care. Leave yourself time to unwind at night, go to bed on time, and build rest into your schedule. Many people with ADHD suffer with sleeping issues, so establishing a positive sleep routine can have a positive effect on both partners.
2. Nourish and move your body. Making sure you eat balanced and healthy foods while drinking a lot of water or herbal tea will keep your body hydrated. Exercise is an important way to keep the body strong; improve emotional stability; help with sleep problems; and set those endorphins free, amongst many other benefits.
3. Spend time in nature.  Going to a level deeper, being in nature is a great way to ground yourself, slow down, and find peace of mind. Going for walks, sitting by the water, feeling the grass under your feet, or doing some gardening with your hands are all wonderful ways of reconnecting with nature, reducing stress and grounding mind and body. Especially when our nervous systems are stretched to the maximum with every day (ADHD) stresses.
4. Set boundaries. Setting boundaries can be one of the most satisfying and effective self-care tools. Saying “no” when we feel spread too thin or don’t feel right saying “yes” protects our time, energy and well-being in a powerful way. For example, you might need to say “no” to providing long-term care for a relative and instead arrange for external help. Or you might begin turning down invitations to events with people who drain you. Why not set clear priorities for how you spend your time, and invest your energy in the people and surroundings that encourage you to be your highest self? Setting boundaries also refers to ‘inner boundaries’ that we have to keep ourselves. For example not allowing ourselves to move into a ‘parental role’ with our ADHD partner.
5. Connect with others. Human connection is a universal, deep need for all of us. So much so that Dr. Ned Hallowell calls connection "the other Vitamin C."  Nurturing healthy relationships that make us feel warm and comfortable is important. Whether you go for walks together, invite a friend over for a meal, call somebody ‘just because’, stop to have a brief talk with that nice neighbor, or take time for a deep conversation with a friend, those connections leave us nourished in our souls and give us food for thought that will help us grow. When connecting with our ADHD partners it is important to look for ‘now - not now’ moments so our ADHD spouse is able to receive connection.  And if you have a partner who has trouble reaching out with intention, don't let resentment or other negative feelings keep you from spontaneously connecting with joy when an 'in the now' moment happens to show up.
6. Journal to process emotions.  Journaling is an incredibly effective way to find out more about your inner thoughts, feelings and needs. It can also help you to organize and process your thoughts and emotions so you can live with more balance, peace, and emotional regulation.  It can also help with venting frustrations to our journal in a safe space and outlet for the emotions instead of putting them to our partners unprocessed and unfiltered.  Keeping a gratitude journal is another wonderful tool for creating and maintaining a positive mindset.  This is easy to do – just finish the sentence “I am grateful for…” three times, and write down your ideas.
7. Create time for stillness and stress management. To round out self-care, it is important to create time to support slowing down to create inner peace and keep stress at bay. This can be achieved through meditation and micro-moments of grounding in our daily routines. Closing your eyes and taking some deep breaths can be done anywhere. When your life in your ADHD-affected household is demanding, you are stressed running errands, or you feel overwhelmed taking care of your family, taking a minute or two to be still and feel the ground underneath your feet can help reset your nervous system. Blocking off some time before your day begins to meditate or do yoga gives you a regular time slot of self-care.

And, finally,  don’t forget to give yourself grace! ADHD can be tough for those suffering with its effects but also for those closest to them. Self-care is extremely important in order to bring your best self to your relationship. Making space to take care of yourself, signing up for a non-ADHD support group or working with a non-ADHD partner coach can help you identify where you struggle with your self-care and find ways to improve the practice of it in your daily life. You can use these ideas to be your best self to navigate the hurdles that can occur within your life.

Anneke Volz is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting who specializes in helping non-ADHD partners learn to thrive in their relationships even as they also deal with life’s ups and downs.  When not working with ADHDmarriage.com, she runs a consulting practice out of Munich, Germany, that utilizes the Adult Chair methodology.