Grief and ADHD - It's Different

What’s Included in ‘Grief’?

When those with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) meet grief, there can be differences in their experience of grief compared to those who are neurotypical. ADHD primarily affects the executive function areas of the brain. The executive function parts of the brain are responsible for planning, organizing, and regulating emotions and behavior which can lead to difficulties in maintaining attention, experiencing hyperactivity, and dealing with impulsivity. It is important to remember that ADHD can look very different from person to person depending on the characteristics of their particular symptoms and experiences (1).

“Normal” grief can last 6 months to 2 years in the acute phase but really lasts a lifetime – we just learn to integrate it into our lives. The experience of grief can be different for each individual and even within the individual for different circumstances (1).

ADHD and grief

For those with ADHD, grief may last longer, and processing grief may be more difficult than for those without ADHD.  Here are a few statistics:

• 60% of adults with ADHD experience chronic feelings of grief or sadness
• Individuals with ADHD are 2-3 times more likely to experience complicated grief (a prolonged and intense form of mourning that persists beyond the typical grieving period, often accompanied by difficulty moving on and functional impairment in daily life)
• ADHD significantly increases the risk of developing unresolved grief
• People with ADHD are more prone to experiencing prolonged periods of mourning
• ADHD symptoms can make it harder to process and express grief, leading to increased emotional distress
• ADHD individuals may experience prolonged and intensified grief symptoms
• The prevalence of ADHD among individuals experiencing grief is estimated to be around 20-30% (2)

Why can grief be harder for those with ADHD?

The experience of grief can be more complex in those with ADHD in the following ways:

Amplified feelings:  Feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, and despair can be amplified because of the emotional dysregulation experienced by those with ADHD. There may be emotional outbursts or emotional shutdown because of the impulsivity associated with ADHD.(2) This can lead to difficulty in processing and managing emotions effectively and may interfere with the course of an individual’s grief.(1) They may have increased anxiety because the emotions associated with grief can be overwhelming. (2)

Staying organized during periods of grief:  People with ADHD may have problems with being organized and focused on important tasks because of the executive function difficulties associated with ADHD. This can be especially challenging when dealing with the added emotional weight of loss and grief. (1) Simple activities like making funeral arrangements, preparing meals, paying bills, or handling personal belongings may become overwhelming or forgotten during this time. This can lead to additional stress which can get in the way of navigating the grief process. (2)

Less ability to heal through self-care:  Grief requires extra focus and concentration to process difficult emotions that can get in the way of making important decisions and to engaging in self-care. Those with ADHD have additional challenges with focus and concentration for extended periods which can lead to a decrease in the ability to remember important dates, to find misplaced items, and to take care of themselves (1)

Difficulty expressing feelings of grief:  Those with ADHD may find it hard to articulate their grief experiences to others because of the issues around organizing thoughts and emotions and possible impulsivity of speech. There can be feelings of loneliness or misunderstanding because of this communication barrier which can make the emotional pain of grief even worse. (2)

Social isolation:  People with ADHD sometimes struggle with social skills which may make social interactions very uncomfortable while grieving. They may have difficulty expressing emotions, empathizing with others, or finding support from family and friends. This can further complicate the grieving process. (2)            

More on self-care, ADHD and grief

Some of the symptoms that may be evident when people are grieving are emotions ranging from sadness to anger and from despair to relief. People who are grieving may have changes in sleep patterns, either having trouble falling and staying asleep or sleeping much more than usual. They may experience changes in eating patterns, either having a significantly decreased appetite or eating more of the “comfort” foods. They may also exhibit a decreased interest in activities they used to enjoy. (3) (4) People with ADHD frequently experience problems with emotional regulation, sleep, remembering to eat, and may lose interest in activities when novelty wears off. Since those with ADHD have baseline issues in these areas, the symptoms of grief may be exacerbated.

Tips for improving your grief journey

As noted earlier, those with ADHD may experience both acute grief (ex: loss of a loved one) and higher rates of chronic grief (ex: loss of a relationship or dream).  Here are some ideas to help you address both types: 

• Leave time for your self-care.  You may wish to schedule a specific time of day to do something that calms or refreshes you, warning others that you won’t be available during that time. This glimpse of your ‘normal’ life may reassure, as well as help your emotional stability.  Or it may provide private time to process what is happening to you.  Keep a list of self-care practices that work for you when you are down for times you may experience more chronic grief and not be feeling inspired enough to remember them.
• Co-regulate:  Ask your partner, a family member or a friend to quietly hold you while you cry or feel sadness.  Ask that they not speak but, rather, allow their touch to provide reassurance.
• Ask for assistance with logistics:  In your grief around the loss of a loved one you may feel you owe it to a deceased person to take care of all the planning.  However, this may be a particularly difficult time to get organized. Find others and ask explicitly for what assistance you need.  (Ex: Coordinating meals for your family while you deal with a hospice situation; assistance with memorial service reception planning; paying bills this month so you can focus elsewhere.)
• Reflect:  Reading studies, research, and even personal accounts of grief will deepen your understanding of your own grief journey. You may find that journaling provides a quiet way to process what you feel, as well.
• Avoid alcohol and other substances:  This is important to support your overall health and well-being as your brain and body focus on healing you emotionally. Alcohol and other forms of self-medication may temporarily dull the feelings, or they may intensify them.
• Talk with others: Often, friends and family really wish to help but don’t know how.  Talking about your loss can help you understand it, as well as allow space for reminiscing or revisiting good memories. It also strengthens your social connections and allows others to support you in your grief.
• Orient towards sleep with a sleep ritual:  Sleep can be difficult for those with ADHD at the best of times, and grieving can make it harder.  Nonetheless, sleep is critical to healing.  Try setting an alarm that reminds you to get into bed at a consistent time that would allow for at least 7 hours sleep and, also, create a quiet ritual to help train your brain to calm down.  Some rituals that work particularly well include deep breathing for a few minutes to move your nervous system from activated to ‘resting,’ and reading a book or listening to quiet music.  Try to avoid watching videos or t.v. as these are stimulating and the blue light emitted encourages wakefulness.

Chronic grieving

If your sadness is constant and does not seem to be going away, or if you experience impacts to your sleeping, eating, ability to work or feel hopeless, it might be time to consult your doctor or a mental health care provider. 

The bottom line is that, for most of us, grief resolves over time given the proper attention. Remember, the only way around grief is through it. Healing takes both time and attention. (3)

Dr. Becky Brotemarkle is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting, helping couples and individuals process the difficult feelings that may impede improving their ADHD-impacted lives and is ready to help you work through your own feelings of grief.  When she is not working with ADHD & Marriage, Becky Becky has her own practice, MacroLife Coaching & Consulting, as a leadership/executive coach, grief coach, ADHD coach, and health & wellness coach. She has a recent diagnosis of ADHD and became an ADHD coach to help others.

1. Neurolaunch Editorial Team. (2024). ADHD and Grief: Understanding the Complex Relationship and Coping Strategies. https://neurolaunch.com/adhd-and-grief/
   1. Grief Directory. (2023) Understanding ADHD and Grief from https://griefdirectory.org/adhd-and-grief/
   2. Moberly, N. (2021). Recognizing the symptoms of grief and how to deal with them. From: https://www.betterup.com/blog/symptoms-of-grief
   3. Blake, K. (2000). Grief the forgotten emotion of adults with learning disabilities. November/December issue of LDA Newsbriefs. https://drkevintblake.com/Grief.pdf