Motivation is SO Important to Your Relationship...

It’s a dance you know well – have a hard talk, decide to do things differently, actually do them differently for a time, then things gradually go back to the way they were before. Whether it’s changing who schedules summer camps, or agreeing to pay the bills together so you have a system, or not yelling in front of the kids…it can begin to feel like “wash, rinse, repeat” when all the effort you put into speaking up and working to change things doesn’t get you somewhere better.  

This is a set-up for frustration, resentment, and eventually distance and loneliness. But I don’t need to tell you that.  While this dynamic isn’t unique to couples impacted by ADHD dynamics, it is more frequent for you. So – how do you get things to change, for real this time?

Making meaningful change

As a couples therapist, I always have my eye on the question of : What is going to make meaningful change here?  Sometimes the answer lies within the couples therapy session – help couples to handle hard moments differently while they’re right in front of me so they can begin to do things differently at home – rather than giving them an intellectual understanding that they won’t remember the next time they are shut down or furious, leaving them doing the same old dance. 

And yet, sometimes what creates change has to do with what couples do outside of session. Finding what motivates you and gets you to DO the things you know to do makes all the difference in whether change sticks or not. 

Importantly, what motivates people with ADHD is oftentimes not the same as what motivates people without ADHD. And – hear me out here – that’s totally fine! Having different motivational styles is not a problem for your relationship. (Making your partners’ motivational needs a problem IS a problem for your relationship.) 

How you activate your motivation differs

For people who don’t have ADHD, motivation comes from what people find important. This could come from an internal place such as “it is important to me to pay my bills on time and not pay penalty fees, so I will make sure they are paid on time.” Or motivation could come from an external sense of importance such as “it is important to my boss that I finish this task so I’m going to prioritize getting it done until it is finished.” With both of these, reward and consequence loom large, and help you to lock in focus and work in your optimal zone of performance. 

For those who have ADHD, rewards and consequences are not what get you focused. Instead, passion, interest, novelty, competition and hurry (or PINCH) are what you need to find focus and move out of boredom/apathy and get productive instead of overwhelmed or anxious. Essentially, the PINCH motivators put you in your optimal zone of performance. For you, it would look like, “I have a timer set and I’m going to see if I can pay 5 bills in 10 minutes” (hurry) or, “I’m going ask to race my coworker to finish this task so I’m sure I get it done in time for my boss’ deadline.” (competition)

Motivational levers matter - for example…

So – if you’re trying to motivate your ADHD husband to come to bed earlier because it’s better for his health and your connection (importance), I have bad news for both of you. You’re using non-ADHD motivation levers to try to get your ADHD partner to change behavior. It’s going to be an exercise in frustration and leave you both feeling bad. 

And – if you’re trying to get your non-ADHD wife to have sex more often because it’s fun (interest)…again, bad news. She’s likely focused on the things that have to get done everywhere and can’t switch into an ADHD person’s motivational mindset. 

Next steps - learn to utilize each partners’ motivational strategies

To start taking motivational activation into account, you first need to make sure you’re using motivational strategies that work for YOU, and appeal to your partners’ needs for motivation that works for them. If you don’t know what those are for each of you – then figuring that out is your first project. Knowing which motivators to use to shift yourself out of boredom or overwhelm into a productive mode is a hugely important change agent you can find for yourself – and for your relationship.

And, if you find you need some help, as many couples do – I have some good news. We have created a great new membership program called Intent to Action (i2a) that is geared towards supporting you BOTH with the changes you want to make in your relationship. We’re aiming for this to take some of the heat off of the relationship and allow you both to get the support you need – in the ways you need it! – so you can focus on your connection, making lasting changes and having fun together.  

The kinds of things you’ll find in i2a are live group coaching workshops with coaches who are ADHD relationship specialists, live book clubs with authors and experts, a private membership community forum with experts and peers to answer your questions, improve accountability, and be a part of the conversation, co-working sessions every week, and more. 

You can read more about Intent to Action, and sign up here. 

Rachel Ban, LiCSW is a veteran couples therapist who has specialized in couples intensives for over a decade. She is a consultant with the ADHD and Marriage Consultants program and the Program Director for Intent to Action. You can find her private practice at: www.rachelbanlicsw.com.