I am reading the posts of a woman who is about to get married to a man whom she adores who happens to have ADD. She is frustrated and confused by his inability to pay attention to wedding planning. This seems like a great time to elaborate upon what lack of focus means for people with ADD – and for their spouses.
People often ask me the question – how did you find the inspiration to turn your marriage, and your life, around? I think you know when “inspiration” hits – it’s like a light bulb going on. Something very central to who you are and how you think changes dramatically enough so that you find hope, balance, and a sense of self that rings true and provides drive from the inside out. Inspiration, whether it comes as an “aha moment” or as a steady set of choices about being a better person, can come from many sources, and I would like to suggest a few here.
I gave a talk last night for ADDclasses.com about overcoming anger and frustration in ADHD relationships. At the end of the session listeners asked two very important questions: how do I get my spouse with ADHD to admit he has ADD and participate in improving our relationship? And, as an ADHD spouse, how do I get my non-ADD spouse to admit I have ADD and start to deal with it?
Treatment and communication skills are only part of the process of improving your marriage. Research shows that another really important thing to do is HAVE FUN! By replacing “down” times with “up” times you create new patterns and new pathways in your brain that support growing and continued happiness. To spur you on, I have created a list of fun activities you might try!
The country of Bhutan has set its goal for development as "Gross National Happiness" rather than "GNP". This got me thinking - what would happen if your goal for your marriage was GMH - Gross Marital Happiness? Bhutan guides its development ideas with "four pillars of Gross National Happiness". They are sustainable development, environmental protection, cultural preservation, and good governance. What would be the pillars of GMH?
One of the most frequent questions that comes up is one of frustration – “how do I get my ADD spouse to listen to me about our problems?” The short answer is that you can’t if he doesn’t want to, but let me elaborate, as this is clearly at the heart of many struggling marriages.
At its worst, my ADD marriage was filled with swirling, extreme emotions – hope, anxiety, depression, anger, frustration. These were overwhelming and make me feel hopeless until I started addressing these emotions at their most basic roots. Perhaps, with a few of the ideas I put down here, you’ll be able to start sorting out – and improving – some of the most troubling emotions you feel in your own relationship.
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The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
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