Typical styles of communication may not be as effective when one of you has ADHD. Couples often say that conversations get derailed too easily, a conversation unexpectedly turns into an argument, or that neither partner ends the conversation feeling heard or understood. Here’s some strategies that may help you communicate in a more ADHD-friendly way:

Stick to one idea at a time

Partners with ADHD often struggle to follow conversations that jump between multiple topics, so it can be really helpful to stick to just one key idea per conversation. Consider keeping a pen and paper within reach so additional thoughts can be written down to be revisited later.  Paper might be better than using a phone or computer to jot down ideas, because the device could become a source of distraction. 

Use short, clear sentences

Long, complex sentences can be hard for someone with ADHD to focus on. By the time you get to the end, the first part of the sentence may already be lost. Keeping sentences short and to the point can help with retaining the information and preventing overwhelm. 

Choose the right context

Similar conversations with your ADHD partner may go completely differently depending on their context and moment in time. Factors that make a difference could be internal:  how many hours of sleep they had the night before; whether or not they exercised recently; or how recently they took ADHD meds. Internal factors could also include emotional or relational aspects such as feeling shame, defensiveness or resentment.  

External factors can also impact how well a conversation goes.  Distractions such as the tv, phones, computers, noise levels or competing conversations can all make a difference in someone’s attention. There could also be distracting things to look at if the environment is constantly changing, such as during a car journey. If you are the partner with ADHD, let your partner know what internal and external factors impact you the most, so that you can plan the optimal time to have important conversations.  

Listen and talk in opposite ways

There are key differences in style between non-ADHD storytelling and ADHD storytelling. Non-ADHD people tend to go in a linear fashion from the start to the middle to the end of the story, whereas people with ADHD often take the scenic route, picking up other ideas along the way, adding too many details or losing their train of thought. It can be helpful if the non-ADHD partner can lean into this process, trusting that the ADHD partner will get to the end of the story in their own way. 

Conversely when it is the ADHD partner trying to listen, a nonlinear style of storytelling will often be too overwhelming or distracting for them to listen to. Getting to the point as quickly and directly as possible can help maximize understanding and retention of what was said.

Sometimes text is best

When information is provided verbally, the information may be more easily be forgotten. For example, telling your partner what needs to be picked up at the grocery may not be enough.  A text message, sticky note or other visual aid can provide an easily findable reminder at the right time.  Shared, computerized lists such as can be made on an app or with a virtual assistant can also be helpful as they are easy to locate on one’s phone at the time one is shopping.

And, when it comes to grocery shopping specifically, a shorter list is usually better, because long lists can easily become overwhelming and counterproductive. A person with ADHD may prefer several shorter trips to the store for a few items, rather than trying to remember everything on a longer list. If you have ADHD, it may be helpful to let your partner know what visual aid works best and how many items feel manageable to you on a grocery list or to-do list. 

Avoid multi-pronged questions

Asking multi-part questions or stringing together multiple requests can be overwhelming. Instead, ask one question at a time and wait for a response before introducing another idea. This will help your partner focus and respond with more clarity.

Give your partner time to process

ADHD brains process information differently, so it may take longer for a person with ADHD to formulate a response, especially in emotionally charged conversations. After expressing an idea or asking a question, pause and give your partner extra time to gather their thoughts before responding. Try to avoid interrupting or filling the silence.

Double check before reacting

Many people with ADHD describe being judged for having used a word or phrase that doesn’t quite capture what they intended to say. Often this is because either they couldn’t find the right word in the moment, or because they blurted something out that they didn’t intend to say out loud at all. If you hear something from your ADHD partner that sounds a little off, it can be really helpful to pause and clarify. Give them a chance to regroup and say it differently, if that’s what they need, rather than holding them to the words they said initially. 

Figuring out ADHD-friendly conversations as a couple requires time, practice, and definitely some trial and error. But once you find the communication style that works, it can really help you both to sidestep needless conflicts and enjoy better communication and deeper connection. 

Jen Siladi is a consultant with ADHD & Marriage Consulting who works with couples, individuals and families.  Subspecialties include emotionally focused and attachment-based counseling, high-conflict couples and those who have struggled to recover from affairs.  When not consulting with our group, she has her own practice in California.