I discovered a great way to negate defensiveness when communicating with my ADHD partner by speaking in generalizations rather than specifics.  For instance if he does something insensitive like make a hurtfull/insensitive comment without thinking how it might make me feel, instead of addressing the specific event, I will wait a few minutes, go and do some chores or something and then address the issue a little later with a comment like, remember, honey, it's nice to be aware of other's people's feelings before you say something that could hurt them.  He will badger me for whether there was a specific incident but, if I just brush it off and tell him that I'm just reminding him because it's an important thing to do and go about the rest of my business, he drops it and never once gets defensive.  I don't know if it this could work for anyone else but, it's worth a try for those of you experiencing unproductive defensiveness and minimizing like I was.  Some of you might think that this also isn't effective since it isn't linked to the specific example, as those with ADHD do work better with specifics but, this works somewhat better than him getting upset and attempting to explain away why he did something while I feel minimized and helpless.  When I am too specific about something I feel he did wrong, he will offer up a million explanations and rationalizations trying to justify why he did it and we get nowhere and I end up feeling frustrated and even more hurt.  This way at least helps me feel like I can communicate in some small indirect way, which in turn helps me feel better and I hope that because it doesn't trigger his defensiveness and he is therefore more receptive, these 'friendly suggestions' may have at least some impact.