My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 7 months ago. He was only diagnosed because I screamed at him to get tested. Three different therapists over the last 10 years have stated they think he has ADHD but he never did anything.
All the same symptoms. He is textbook inattentive. I'm lonely. No help or at least consistency with pretty much anything but his job. And his job he hyper-focuses so that pretty much leaves no room for anyone but him. He is so self-centered that I just want to slap his face. (I will not and never have but the urge IS there.)
I see on his face that he feels bad. I "guess" he works on his ADHD but usually only AFTER a confrontation or disappointment and it never lasts long.
I believe my daughter TOO has ADHD but she has yet to be tested. She is 7 and I have a 3 year old boy.
My question is this: what does staying in this type of marriage communicate to my daughter??
I feel by staying that I am allowing this person to treat me as a second class citizen where my needs and wants are only important AFTER he gets his shit together. If ever! That its OK to be lonely in a marriage. That its OK to never have the support I need. That its OK that my husband never plans ANYTHING for us to do: date, vacation or otherwise. That its OK that I work, take care of the home, and kids and finances and everything else and he just has to have a job. That is OK for your spouse to commit to helping with tasks but never completes them.
I can do all the reading about ADHD I want. I am a professional organizer so I can maintain structure FOR DAYS!!! But what I CANNOT DO is make myself a priority to my husband.
Why would I want to stay if THIS is what I am communicating to my daughter in regards to a marriage? I feel strongly that I need to get out for ME!!! but also so my daughter does not accept this type of behavior for herself.
Does anyone else feel this way?
I feel this way. I've been
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I feel this way. I've been married much longer than you and my children (both young-adult women) are older. In my "caught between a rock and a hard place" manner of thinking, I can't decide if it sends a worse message that I stay with my husband, who neglects me, often ignores our children, and has caused us serious financial harm, or that I divorce him. Despite not wanting to look like a bad, unhelpful person (which I'm not; really), I'm leaning toward proceeding with a separation that I filed last year. Even as adults, our children deserve to have a functioning parent, and my husband isn't and won't be that. If I stay married, I think I might drown.
Exactly
Submitted by michellenic77 on
Its also hard to considering leaving because if you don't understand ADHD, there is no way to explain it to anyone. I know that if I leave that I will be the villian, but even that does not deter my thoughts of leaving.
My daughter often tells me to "Stop picking on Daddy." So now the perception to my daughter is that I am a nag. Which, to be honest, is probably exactly what I sound like. And this just makes me sad. That I still get all the work and now he gets the pity.
Even now reading the ADHD marriage book, it tell the non-ADHD spouse to find their empathy. I just may be all out. I just don't want to think of HIM anymore. When exactly is my turn?
Just exhausted.
Oh my gosh, you described my
Submitted by MFrances on
Oh my gosh, you described my life almost perfectly, except my daughter is 11 and my son is 5. I really feel for you. I don't know what to say except what I have decided for myself, for the moment at least. The other difference is, my kids do not like their father/my husband. He is angry and yells a lot, for no reason. It scares them, makes them yell back (because they have learned yelling is OK b/c daddy does it) which makes him yell louder and more at them because now they are yelling. First, financially we can't afford a divorce. We couldn't afford two separate households. I work only part time, and don't want to change that. Our son has special needs and I couldn't work full time because of the extra care he needs. Two, he is such a bad parent, being so inattentive, ignoring the kids, his anger/yelling and add on that he just does not understand our son and his issues, that I don't want him to have any kind of custody-which he would obviously get something. I couldn't imagine the kids even spending one night with him without me there to buffer the anger and ignoring (I know that seems contradicting but he either yells or ignores because he is focused on something else-never the kids). Three, I took those vows and I feel I need to figure out a way to make the marriage work despite this feeling that I do not have a partner, I have a third child.
I too am reading through the ADD Effect on marriage. I agree with you on the empathy part, I feel bad that I don't have more empathy for him and that I haven't provided a more supportive environment for him, but I don't want to! I am exhausted. It takes all my energy to care for myself and the kids. I have started to create boundaries and try to take care of myself better. On the positive side, husband is on medication and has started seeing a new therapist and is working on some of these issues. We'll see how long it lasts though. He's been doing well the last week or so but I don't know how long he can maintain that. He does understand his ADHD and I think he really does want to find strategies to make his life better.
I constantly worry about the effect this has on my kids. This is not the kind of marriage I want to model for them. He is not the kind of father I wanted for my daughter or my son. My son cannot stand his father! My daughter knows already that she cannot rely on her dad. It's very sad. His anger bothers her so much so we talk a lot about that. Hopefully when she gets older I can talk more to her about the kind of mate to choose, how to know he is the right one, etc. Which, no one did for me growing up or when I was dating him and decided to marry him. I worry so much for my son and not having a male role model, his dad maybe living in the same house but he is no role model.
I've imagined divorcing him and thought about what our life would really be like if we lived separately. I honestly don't think it would be any better. It would be so devastating for my kids, to be put in before and afterschool care so I could work full time. It would be so devastating for them to spend 2-3 days only with him. Plus, I would still have to interact with him, we would have to work out birthdays and who sees them on Christmas Day and all those things. I've had friends that have divorced for various reasons and it doesn't really end the problems, it only creates different problems. And then I still am not modeling a good marriage for my kids.
I would encourage you to find a counselor for yourself, if your husband won't seek help, you can at least help yourself and maybe learn how to help your kids.
My best to you, good luck.
dear panda123..
Submitted by Kaliko on
First, I want to say that I really respect your desire to live your ideals. This is *not* an attempt to convince you to consider separation or divorce. But I do want to say that when I was a kid, my parents had a terrible relationship [my dad was an alcoholic; my mother, although she made a lot less, ended up taking responsibility for most financial needs and daily tasks], with a lot of yelling, etc., and from a very young age I *fantasized* about them separating. I hid in the closet and cried when they were arguing. And here's the thing - I couldn't even say I disliked either of them. I just knew they weren't good together, and that they were both miserable, and I hated knowing that. My mom told me a few years ago that she would have left sooner, but she thought it was better for me to try to stay. I was devastated to realize that she had endured all that pain for my benefit.
Anyway, when they did separate, we had less money, and she worked a lot of overtime & evening/night shifts to support us with no child support from him. I was a latch-key kid, and I mostly ate Lean Cuisines that she taught me how to microwave. And you know what? I was SO much happier. I didn't see my mom as much as I wanted, sure, but I didn't feel neglected. I knew she was working hard for both of us. I felt loved. Particularly as an only child, I learned to value the ability to be independent and self-sufficient. My relationship with my dad got better too, because the hostility and fear were removed from our interactions. My parents eventually became friends, a relationship that they both benefited from because they were able to once again appreciate the traits they admired in each other, without all the conflict over money and such.
All I'm saying is that I think it can be far, far worse for kids to stay in a bad emotional environment than to deal with the problems associated with a divorce. If your kids know for a fact that you love them unconditionally and will always try to do right by them, I really believe they'll be okay. And no child should have to be in the position - whether or not they know it - of holding a parent in a situation they hate. If you are going to stay and try to work things out, please do it because you believe things can get better, not because you fear the alternative is worse. I respect my mother more than anyone else in the world because she did something that terrified her - as a low-paid medical worker, devout Catholic, and 1st gen immigrant in the Midwest - and decided that hacking it alone with me was a better alternative to the constant fighting and watching my dad slowly destroy our futures. Your kids would still respect you too. You're strong, you're resilient, and you love them - and because of that, any considered decision you make will reflect your values to them - whether you stay or go. Much love and best wishes to you.
Thank you for your
Submitted by MFrances on
Thank you for your perspective. I grew up in the same kind of situation actually. My parents fought all the time. I used to pray they would divorce. One time my mom told us over the weekend that on Monday she was going to the lawyer and they were divorcing. I was so happy! Then so sad when Monday came and it didn't happen. I was young, in grade school, and I can still remember that.