I really hate when we have unstructured weekends. You would think this would be a good way to get things done. However, it seems to be a good way for my DH to start yet another project and leave in undone. I am really, really, frustrated today and need a little "misery loves company" to help me feel like I am not alone. (Because, as I look through my neighborhood, I feel truly alone. I see well-kept yards, no piles of various crap laying in yards, not random holes dug, garages that are neat and organized ...with cars parked IN them!!! etc.Don't even get me started on the inside of their houses!!) So, look around and list what your ADHDer has started but has not finished. If he/she is like mine, I will probably have to come back and edit my list as I see/remember more :( I will post mine in the comments.
Tell Me About Your ADHDers Unfinished Projects
Submitted by boilergirl on 05/03/2014.
Unfinished projects
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Built a deck but didn't finish it.
Bought a TV set that turned out to have a crack in the screen. Never returned it.
Put some boards up to keep raccoons from getting into the roof of the house. This did not work. When I reported that the sounds made clear that there were raccoons, he claimed this could not be true because there was no way for them to get in.
Various piles of stuff are sitting in the basement, in various stages of not done being sorted or disposed of.
So far...
Submitted by boilergirl on
Well, we bought this foreclosed house that needed a ton of work. I was against it. He somehow talked me into it. And now, he is complaining that all his weekends are taken up by house stuff and thinks about downsizing. But, he also makes more work for himself (like he put a garden in two years ago. It was perfectly fine. Now, he decides to double the size of it. it is not even close to being ready to plant.
Also-
Tons of missing or unfinished trim around the house.
Two years ago, right after cleaning up the garage for DD's party, he decides to rip out all the drywall (including the ceiling) to insulate. Goes out and buys hundreds of dollars of plywood and insullation. It is half done. Ceiling is not finished, which means we had all the frigid air of the winter going right up into our attic.
INstead of just fixing the dryer, he goes up in the attic to check how it is ventilated b/c he read something online about how dryer should be ventilated. It is not done properly in his eyes, so he pulled all the tubing out. Now dryer will just blow out. Oh, good, heating the house right before summer!!
His office, which we actually had finished by someone. Yet he has moved his desk around, built a new standing one, etc. so many times. There are piles of papers and boxes everywhere.
Several yard projects going on simotaneously, yet hasn't mowed the lawn yet.
Oh wow do I feel your pain!
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Oh wow do I feel your pain! Here's my list:
There is an old boat on the side of my driveway that he said he was going to fix up but it's been sitting there for over a year.
There is junk all over our side yard that should have been thrown away but has just accumulated.
We took out a wall between our family and living rooms a couple of years ago and never finished the drywall, ceiling or floors.
He bought some parts to repair the ceiling fan in the master bedroom about 5 years ago...ceiling fan still doesn't work.
He bought a car that he said he was going to fix up but it's been sitting with a tarp over it for a year.
We have a motor home that we bought because he said it would be easy for him to fix up so we could take some cheap vacations...it's sitting in storage which I pay $50 a month for and it still doesn't run.
He traded an old boat on a trailer for a big boat that can't be put on a trailer. He said he could make money with it yet it still sits in the water unfinished.
Every time he starts doing the dishes he never completely finishes them. He always leaves a few things in the sink.
Every time he unloads the dishwasher he leaves the silverware on the counter for me to put away.
I'm sure I'll think of more later...
Took down one cabinet and
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Took down one cabinet and moved another cabinet that held the microwave to the other side of the kitchen and then planned on making a butcher block out of the stand alone drawers and cabinet that was beneath it and lighting above it. Tore off a plastic backsplash behind the cabinet in order to move the cabinet out from the wall and left a big tear of cardboard underneath it which he says will be covered by wood.Started tearing off the bottom trim of the cabinet only to find that the floor was cut out underneath for it to sit on so pulling it out wasn't going to work. We went to look at butcher block wood the next day. He found one he liked, asked the guy how much it would be and went home to take measurements saying that he would go back the next day and get wood. It has now been 2 months since he said he was going to do that and now tells me that he's still thinking things through on the butcher block and will get to it eventually. Meanwhile the backsplash is nonexistent and looks horrible and there's no lighting above it. The cabinet he tore down sat on the floor of the kitchen for weeks before he finally moved it into the garage where he says he's going to hang it. It is still sitting on top of the dryer in the way.
Killed off grass where he was going to plant a garden. The grass died but the garden didn't end up being as big as he thought so now we have a 6' x 6' area of dead grass that we can't get to grow. On top of that we have a stack of pallets that we got so he could border the garden with them. They have been sitting stacked up for over a month now killing the grass they are sitting on along with about 200 bricks that are sitting in a pile right next to them which are going to apparently border a walkway he's going to do.
Killed off a patch of grass that runs the length of our driveway where he wants to plant bushes. He killed that off 6 months ago and now we just have a dead patch there and no bushes.
Bought a ceiling fan for the bedroom last August but it sat too low so it didn't work in there. Said he was going to put it up in the kitchen instead. The fan is still sitting in a box in our bedroom.
Keeps saying that he wants to put up these pictures that his daughter drew. The pictures have been sitting right next to the fan in the box in the bedroom since we moved in last August.
Bought a tv for his daughter's room for her to watch when she visits. Kept telling her how he was going to do this for her. Got one about 3 months ago and has yet to hook up cable to it so she can watch it. Also has yet to hang up lights in her closet which is something he was going to do last August.
By the way...
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
he told me twice this weekend that we should hang that cabinet in the garage. You know the one that he took down in the kitchen 2 months ago and it sat in the kitchen for a month and now has been sitting on the dryer in the garage for a month! Even asked me a week ago to take everything off the shelves in the garage so he could hang it. Well now everything on those shelves has been sitting in the laundry basket for a week waiting for that cabinet to go up so it can all go in there. Now I can't use the laundry basket for laundry because it's full of other crap!
10 days since I posted....
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
and cabinet is still sitting on the dryer in the garage and all the crap from the shelves is sitting in the laundry basket so all laundry has to be carried in in my arms. This after 2 months of the cabinet sitting on the floor in the kitchen. Still also waiting for that backsplash, lights and butcher block that was supposed to go in where he took the cabinet down.
Oh and he also killed off grass in a good 12' x 12' area in the backyard where he plans on digging up the grass and leveling it out and putting bricks and pavers for a fire pit area. Bricks and pavers have been sitting on the grass killing it for about 3 months now and haven't moved.
We bought a new brake light for one of our burnt out ones on our truck about 2 months ago. Light is still in it's package in the back seat of the truck waiting to be installed.
Best Laid Plans...So Familiar
Submitted by kellyj on
If I could sit down with your husband........or write him a letter....this is how it would read:
Dude...wake up! I understand your need to have things to look forward to like the RV, your boats and your car project. I am the same way. But....with all good intention for the future.....you have just pre-booked every waking minute of your time for the next 3 years in fixing up and selling boats, cars and trailers in doing so. And this is what is in store for your future as it sit right now:
The boat that sitting in the water is slowly decaying. Every month it sits there.....you will have more to do to get it ready to use or sell. Your paying $50 a month for an RV that you haven't even used yet and it still needs work (just like the boat in the water and the one in the driveway)....and then there's the car.
Meanwhile....you and (your family/spouse) have to live inside the house everyday with an unfinished (wall) project and you are so preoccupied with future fun (yours maybe not your families) that you can't even remember to load the dishwasher.
If I were you...I'd
1 Pick the one recreation project that is the most important to you and ditch the rest. Sell everything else....AS IS! Yes, I understand you will not make as much money......but you are losing money everyday these things (RV and boat in water) that just sit there......and you're not even using them yet!!!!!! You can always take the money you are saving and save up to re=buy another one in the future when you finished everything else later. Deals come and go....there is always another one around the corner.....it will be there when your are ready....trust me on that.
2 Take the money from the sale of the other things and hire some help. You don't have to hire contractors if you want to do the work to save money......hire some temp laborers to come help you. It's been the best investment I've made in recent years. If you work with them....they won't slack off and they can be had for $10 bucks and hr so that's only $80 a day per worker for 8 hours. It's a no brainer. Get a dumpster....hire some helpers....clean up your yard....get rid of all but one recreational project......have a yard sale.....post ads in Craiglist or Ebay......sell, sell ,sell!!!
3 Finish the wall inside you house and throw that frick'in ceiling fan away in the dumpster. I see ceiling fans everyday at the good will or building material re-sale stores for next to nothing that work....like $10-$15 for good ones! If you haven't worked on it and things like it for over a year....get rid of them in the yard sale or throw them away.
You will be able to get all of this done in a fraction of the time you would by yourself and end up with MORE money in the bank from the things you've sold when you are done. The house will be in order, your wife will love you for it and you will still have a fun project to work on that will get finished sooner so you can use it (or sell it for a profit and buy one that's NOT a project in good working order.....better than the one your just fixed up.
Trust me on this one.....your creating a hell for yourself and your wife and (family?) along with it. Wipe the slate clean and try it again only this time........don't be greedy and selfish and bite off more than you can chew. No one says you have to do without. Just do with less. Your life will be 100 times better than it is right now if you do this.
I know what I'm talking about here.....as I'm writing this to you..... have rented a skid loader Bobcat....hired 3 laborers....have a pile of gravel sitting in my driveway...and this weekend I'm
grading and gaveling a driveway project that has plaguing me for years that has kept me from getting rid of two project cars that I'm selling...AS IS and using the money to fix the one that I am keeping (66 Mustang) that I will now have time to finish drive and enjoy on daily basis instead of looking at in my yard. I've had the laborers at my house three times already and I accomplished 5 times the amount of work in just 3 months than I could have in over a year by myself and the yard and house are really looking good (again), And when I'm done....I'm selling off my old work truck and my old daily driver car and getting one late model truck that doesn't need to be worked on or fixed instead of having two vehicles that cost me money, time and insurance leaving me with one good work vehicle and one fun car to tinker with if I want to. Done deal.
Your ADHD gives you the talents and motivation to have fun and do things yourself.....but it can also create a prison for you and your family if you don't keep it under control. You don't have to give everything up.....just do it to a lesser degree....one at a time. You won't regret it.
Sincerely,
A Reformed Project Junkie
J
unfinished things
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Wow, hard to know where to start.:)
1. Our house was only 1 year old when we bought it, but the builder never painted the interior. ( He only used colored primer instead of real paint.) My ADHD husband wanted to paint it himself and not use a professional. I showed him what color I wanted, gave him the color swatch and said "This is it". DH buys a color about 20 shades darker than the color I picked out and painted about HALF the house. Some walls are painted, others not. some rooms done, others not. (the house is supposed to be all in a uniform color) It looks strange. I was in the hospital when he did this, so I got a big "SURPRISE" when he brought me home.
2. DH put in a patio in the back of the house. He dug up the dirt, put in terra cotta tiles 12 x 12" , and put sand between them. The tiles are all crooked, the sand all washed away, and there are weeds constantly growing up between the tiles. HATE IT. (I have to pull the weeds) It doesn't match or go with the house at all, and looks really awful. It now needs to be dug up and replaced with concrete.
3. Build a sand box for our granddaughter who was too young to enjoy it. (she was 1 at the time) I wanted to get the green plastic turtle sand box, which was about 30$. He built a wooden one (so it would last) He didn't seal the wood, so now the wood is decaying. The awning he put on the top is torn shredded and hanging off the side. Plus, the biggie of all, it ended up costing $500 dollars in wood. (and that's without the sand) It's an eyesore in the backyard.
4. I bought him a chainsaw because we had some trees come down from storms. I hear it running in the back yard so I go out there after about an hour expecting to see several trees cut up. He was drenched in sweat, ANGRY, and yelling saying the chain saw was "BROKEN". I looked at the saw and almost peed myself. He put the saw blade on "inside out". The teeth were on the INSIDE of the blade instead of being on the outside, where the CUTTING has to take place. He had worn a nice GROOVE into the tree from where he kept trying to "cut" the tree trunk. I don't even know HOW he did this. How do you even GET the saw blade ON, with the teeth on the inside instead of pointing outwards? UNREAL. I had to tell him to take the blade off and turn it around. I had to go in the house because I didn't want him to see how hard I was laughing. I almost wet my pants. (a total adhd moment) :) The saw is now broken after using it only 3-4 times.
5. He wanted to make a door into the attic from our upstairs family room, which he promised me he would do "right". (a door where you can STAND UP and walk through) There is now a hole in the family room about 3 feet high and 3 feet wide, in which you have to CRAWL through to get to the attic. NO DOOR. just an open hole with board across the front of it. That was about a year ago.
6. Our dishwasher broke so we needed a new one. DH would not hire a professional to put the new dishwasher in. He put it in himself, so now the dish washer wobbles around in its "hole" under the counter because it's not secured. Also, the warranty is null and void if you don't use a professional during instillation. And, now we're screwed if something goes wrong with any parts.
7. When he does the dishes, he only does half of them, leaves the rest. Same with groceries, only puts half away, pushes the rest to the back of the counter. Even if it's only a few things, ONLY does half. (don't get it)
8. You name it, it's put in upside down, inside out, backwards or TOTALLY BROKEN. There are too many "small" things to mention. It boggles the mind. The thing is, he YELLS at the rest of us if we break ANYTHING, despite the fact that he breaks almost everything there is. I don't get this either.
Will think of more later, this is the short list. :)
Huge oil stain in driveway
Submitted by Second Chances on
We have a huge oil stain in our driveway because my BF's car leaks. Three problems really:
BF attempted to clean off the stain once, weeks ago, with a product he bought at Home Depot. Did not work. He haphazardly looked online for some solutions but has done nothing else. Said he might try "X, Y, Z Concrete Cleaner" when he get some money. Yeah, when will that be? Any day now I may get the next HOA notice, fining me $100. Which I will attempt to extract from him... I hope it does not come to that.
Never mind the fact that what grown man is just fine with driving around a leaking car? He hasn't even taken the thing in for a diagnosis... maybe the leak isn't a big deal to fix. He just swears since it is a Saab that "It will be expensive no matter what." So he ignores the problem entirely. Ugh.
Does your BF know about the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Does your BF know about the warning? If yes, does he care? My husband said I was exaggerating the risk of getting sued after I complained to him about the warning letter about his illegal download. Hmm, I would have preferred an apology.
Top 2 undone things
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
1. The baby cradle my spouse made. Rockers not attached. Cradle is up in the barn. Rockers are down in the basement. He was making it for my son, who was born in 1989. LOL. Our son's 25th birthday is May 14. :)
2. The thank you notes from our wedding. He kept putting off helping me write them, so by our first anniversary I wrote them. Then he kept putting off helping me address the envelopes. So I finally did it. Then he kept putting off putting on the return address labels. So I finally did it. All he had to do was get them to the post office. they are in a box in our attic. This year will be 30 years since our wedding.
I read through this with a
Submitted by I-have-adhd on
I read through this with a heavy heart, because I do all these things in some form or fashion. I let things pile up outside, but will clean it this weekend. I start projects on things that I have full intentions on finishing for my beautiful bride, and don't finish because I start something else, or MAINLY just don't realize how long realistically it will take to complete it...or I don't start it at all yet because I have to finish a project and can't manage the full scope in my mind so I just don't start yet until "I have time to do it all in one day" which never comes.
Example, I have our wedding photos from a little over a year ago...and I haven't had any of them printed, because "I'll get to that this weekend". In actuality, I seriously can't wait to get pictures of me and my gorgeous wife on our walls...but can't seem to get it done from juggling other things...but it comes across as I don't care about them or her and am a jerk for it. And she has full right to feel that way.
living in the mind of a caring adhd person in my opinion is sometimes as depressing as the spouse of one, because I feel helpless and absolutely useless...and yes I'm on medication, trying to find the right one...but I'm fighting myself with the stress of daily failing my wife that I love with all that I am.
Empathy
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I-have-adhd,
One time my spouse sat on his chair, bent over, pounding his forehead with the palm of his hand and enunciating with each blow, YOU-DO-NOT-KNOW-WHAT-IT-IS-TO-LIVE-INSIDE-MY-HEAD.
I surely do not. I surely believe, for him,, it is a tough reality to discover that the reason you felt odd for all the first 55 years of your life is because you DO NOT think the same as the general population. that does not have to be a problem. It just takes the willingness to see that you are not always right, and everyone else is always wrong.
Acknowledgement goes a long way. Letting someone help you, with agreed upon boundaries as to what 'help' means. I treasure my husbands creativeness. He can solve construction problems better than anyone I know. I wish he would try to patent some of his inventions.
There is so much help out there. He needs to be willing to be willing.
Time blindness is a definite problem. It is cosly for us, as he cannot estimate the proper time it will take to finish a construction project. My son and I have encouraged him to double the time the estimates. That would usually be right on target.
I think your saying: "I don;t know why. . . ." is a really good place to start. There are people who can help you find the answer.
Husband bought paint to re
Submitted by soconfused on
Husband bought paint to re-paint our hallway and foyer area; patched the holes in the wall but didn't do the actual painting leaving big white splotches all over. Started putting up railings for the stairway but only got the baseboard attached to the wall and never the actual railings, which sat leaning against the wall by the stairs. Ripped up the old carpet runner on the stairs without having a new one to replace it with, leaving the stairs looking like crap. These things remained like this for 6 months to a year.
At our previous duplex, he wouldn't mow the lawn consistently and we got numerous warnings from the city once the grass got to be about a foot high. I offered to mow for him but he refused to take the time to teach me how to use his dad's finicky, 35-year-old gas mower. Luckily someone else mysteriously mowed the lawn for us; we never figured out who. Finally this year he showed me how to use the mower and i've been mowing the lawn for him, even though he has voluntarily stated that it's his responsibility.
Never sent thank-you notes to his half of our wedding guests.
Six months ago, broke down the bedroom door after locking it from the outside and then realizing there was no key to open it. The inside doorjamb is totally splintered and broken. I haven't even asked when that will be fixed, but I'm guessing it will be at least another 6 months.
And when, on the relatively rare occasions I do something dumb like lock my keys in the car, he gets all over me for it. But if I express anger at him for any of the things he loses/forgets/breaks/leaves unfinished, I'm a nagging b****.
Would it help any if I told
Submitted by copingSAH on
Would it help any if I told you my husband is mowing in the midst of on-coming bad weather (possibly in rain) right now? He mows until bald patches of ground are visible. He's literally mowing our lawn bald. But I can't say a word, because in his words, "unless you're mowing, you can't tell me what to do."
I just wish our husbands considered what we say as not "nagging b-----" but supportive spouses... I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where it was equal "give-and-listen-and-grow-together". It's all "my way or the highway"
copingSAH, I bet your husband
Submitted by soconfused on
copingSAH, I bet your husband was the mystery mower who mowed our lawn for us -- sounds like he's got a bit of an addiction. :)
If I could only attach a
Submitted by copingSAH on
If I could only attach a picture here of what the lawn looks like right now... mostly soil with clumps of green.....
He destroys my "projects".
Submitted by copingSAH on
He destroys my "projects".
Every time I've put up a screen or door curtains for privacy, any time, he always finds an excuse to yank them down. For me, I don't like to be exposed if I'm in my room but don't want to be locking anyone out but just enough privacy that it's not an invite for guests to just walk in uninvited. I also need to hear my kids in the house or I won't know what they're up to.
I don't know what it is, he won't push the curtain aside, or tie it back. He yanks them off the rod. Or he'll bunch the drapes into a ball and stuff it behind the curtain rod! I can't reach it unless I'm perched on a chair or precariously on the radiators under the window. It totally drives me insane!!! It feels like for every curtain I put up, he feels the need to obliterate it. Strange.
He even yanks down the mosquito netting to the front and back doors. I don't get it!
unfinished projects
Submitted by risingfromtheashes on
Dear Boilergirl,
You rock your posts have helped me the most thank you for being so candid. We have the same husband! Your posts made me laugh, feel sad, angry but best of all not alone. Our husbands are really so alike. My husband went to jail fortunately long before our marriage for a dui,then a refusal of breathalyzer and then was wrongfully jailed because his cousin stole his identity the last one is so sad,because of his ADHD it took him awhile to realize his ID was misplaced and years of work to rectify. Thankfullly he now has a real license, but we too only have one car why his car was junk(car repair and the adhd husband do not go together) and when we both got sick over christmas he overcharged the car and it died for good. mine screams at people in the car while not watching the road and embarasses me with the road rage and the projects oh the projects. My husband was just diagnosed and he hid his problems from me in our whirlwind courtship we have only been married a little over a year. I cannot believe I did not know what was wrong with him. and my therapist credits me for reading people well, I wish people with ADHD came with a beacon. Our arguments go on for hours or he never stops talking ever about anything under the sun and he is gifted with very very high IQ and since upper level math is beyond me his comparisons to physics and our marriage are quite beyond me.
Our yard looks like "those neighbors" yard it is brown and crispy because he cant remember to show me how to use the weed wacker to let the sprinkler heads get traction and he wants a garden and he did the calculations on how much water the yard needs soo why does it look brown and crispy do I care at this point after all the drama it has caused and we are renting. Also it is covered in weeds and due to his ADHD my major clinical depression I was in recovery for, for years is tanking, the stress of living with him gave me fibromyalgia and well its an ever changing battle. Thank god sometimes its so crazy its funny. Oh wait projects and the weeds let me see sorry I keep trying to remember all I need to do to keep this ship afloat on top of the d@#! yard. and we cant use roundup on the yard because we have a 10 pound dog who will die from roundup and our dog hates all who walk by the yard, because he senses the underlying tension I always feel being the non adhd person and barks at everyone. That's right people we are those trashy people at the end of the cul-de-sac with the @$@$$@ yard and the angry dog. But I love my dog he never argues, forgets or stresses me out he loves me and reads my moods thank God for his nastiness. I too have discovered that hard cider makes it better, retreating to my moms once in a while, cutting my hair and reading this forum while he works is like a happy vacation so I can clean, organize, procrastinate mostly just vacation from the pressure Im under and well vent. Here's to our messy houses, hysterical wierd projects, bad driving, and crazy one car lives. much love boilergirl and all other non adhd spouses especially wives thank you again!
Thanks
Submitted by boilergirl on
Thanks, rising from the ashes, for your kind words and response. In real life, I am a very open person. I can talk about anything to anyone. However, so much of what goes on with my husband;( the arrests, loss of jobs, bursts of anger, etc. ) I have to keep quiet about in order to protect my family. This is the only place I can let it all out. Sadly, it sounds like there are a lot of smiliarites in our husbands. I wouldn't wish ADHD on anyone, yet it is so nice to know there are other people out there who are going throuigh what I am. My friends cannot relate to what it is like to live with this day in and day out. Keep in touch, rising. It may be the only way to keep our sanity :)
More...unfinished projects
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Ah..yes...it is the middle of summer and now the list of unfinished projects is growing. Along with the projects I already listed above, there are several new ones. He's making a large drum in our garage (which takes up all the space) so much of our garage stuff is out on the lawn, getting rained on, looking like piles of junk. He DID have a company come and replace the back patio with cement, but then he tells us we can't use it until he "seals it with cement paint", which isn't true, but it's what he believes. (which was 3 weeks ago) so all the patio furniture is scattered on the back lawn. (a mess)
He won't fix the lawn mower, but he won't let anyone else drive it but HIM, so the lawn looks crazy. When he mows the lawn it looks like an abstract painting, because the "lines" aren't lines at all, but bunches of circles and crazy swirls all over the grass, with patches where he "missed" cutting it. (kind of looks like what being inside his brain is like) Then he yells at the rest of us is we DARE cut the grass and do it "right" or "better".
He wants to enclose the back porch and make it a room. But, instead of waiting until the room was FINISHED before putting in air conditioning/heating, he had a company come and install the vent work, so now we are heating the OUTSIDE of the house as well. And he's yelling at the rest of us because the electric bill went up. On top of that, the vent is wet and covered in mold, so now we are ALL SICK, because this open vent to the "outside room", is letting in moisture and mold to the main cooling system.....and the rest of the house. He wouldn't listen to me when I told him this doesn't make sense. He HAD TO DO IT. Now we are ALL sick with some sort of respiratory illness that won't go away. He's been in bed for over 2 weeks now, and won't get up until he gets over it. While the rest of us are walking around coughing our heads off and still have to do our stuff.
And there's more.............
There have been many, many
Submitted by WornOutMB on
There have been many, many unfinished projects in our 29 yr marriage. I'll just share the main ones.
In our old house:
1. Hole in the bathroom ceiling that was never repaired
2. Doors added to the family room that were never completely put in.
3. Front yard torn out and partially replanted
In our new house:
1. Two and a half years ago he started tearing out the master bathroom. Master bathroom had mold in the walls around the shower and toilet. He ripped out everything in the whole bathroom down to the 2x4s (he left the cabinets, the sinks and the toilet). It took him over a year to put the walls and floors back. He had all of the tools/supplies, etc stacked in the bathroom until about a month ago. After I kept asking and asking he finally cleaned it up. I now have one functioning sink (the other is still inoperable) and a toilet. There are no counter tops, and it has plywood flooring. But I can use the toilet. Yay! He has had numerous people over to estimate what it would cost to finish it. The latest he's talked about is someone his brother knows. He told me he would have him come over and look at it. I asked him if that would happen this past weekend. Nope. He went to visit his mother instead so he and our son could go swimming. He doesn't understand why it makes me so angry.
2. We had about 15 bushes in our front yard that were taking too much upkeep. We cut them all down June 2013. The stumps remained. I kept asking him when he was going to get the stumps out. He kept telling me about a professional landscaper who was going to come in and redo our entire front yard. I kept waiting. Our lawn mower had stopped working and the yard was looking horrible so I hired a gardener. In May I just got tired of looking at the 15 + stumps in the yard so I asked our gardener to remove them. It cost an extra $200 that month. My husband told me it was a waste of money and I should have waited until he was ready to have the landscaper come in. When would that be? The year 2040?
A garage full of valuable parts to sell on eBay
Submitted by Icefishinglady on
1. Keeps buying "real bargain" parts that could be sold for hundreds of $. The garage is packed beyond reason with these which he's been hoarding for years, and he adds regularly to them.
2. A year ago I was injured while on a trip with him. He could easily recoup all of the expenses by just submitting them to the owners of the business where I was injured... but has not done so. This includes a flight I could not take, hospitalization for five days, train tickets back because I could not fly - a very significant amount of money is involved...
3. A wedding. 'nuf said there.
4. Broken riding lawn mower, old sailboat, hammock frame, wood from a project, and goodness knows what else.... all piled in the back yard.
5. As one of the staff who takes care of his autistic sons says - "I don't know how you can stand to live in a "shrine" to (his deceased wife)". Photographs (including wedding, high school, college, and all manner of family shots) everywhere, on every wall. I've asked about this for a year - walking on eggshells because I *know* grief and know it has to be worked out in its own time for each person - but the only thing that has changed is that two very prominent wedding photos were removed before my kids came to visit.
6. Holes in the ceiling and walls from various "projects". Electrical outlet hanging out of the wall. Cans of paint sitting out from a room-painting project finished weeks ago.
7. My stuff is all in a storage unit that I'm paying for, because he is "too busy" to clear out space for it, and if I even try, he gets upset.
When told no, still do it anyway.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
The growing unfinished project issue with under-treated ADHD is quite a problematic issue in relationships. My question is this to anyone.....Even when they are told NO you can't do "such and such" they still go ahead and do it anyway. Is there a reason for this? Is there anything that can be done, or any type of reasoning or "bargaining" that can be done to help the ADHD person realize this is not healthy......and even dangerous in some cases? The dangerous part being tons of debris that gets collected that brings bugs, spiders, mice, rats, etc. not to mention "looking bad".
Unfinished Projects
Submitted by NeedToBreathe on
1. Our garage. It's a black hole of everything. Boxes of mail from our previous address, shelves everywhere to hold boxes of more stuff. No way my car could get in there and I drive a VW Beetle so that says how much junk is in there. Keeps telling me he'll clean it but it's either too hot in there, to cold or he'll build another shelf.
2. Stuff he's been meaning to sell. Like some computer parts that have been in our garage nearly 3 years!! 3 years!
3. Christmas gifts he bought for the grandkids in December 2011. Kids have outgrown the stuff, I told him to send it to the thrift store. Last year. We still have it.
4. Promises to clean out our $97/month storage unit. Has been since April 2012. We're wasting $97/mo for nothing and the unit is in our previous town 40 minutes away.
5. Last night he was talking to our landscaper friend and asked if he could have tree stumps to make tables. WTH? If I find these in my garage, I'll just break down.
There's more but I just joined this site and am totally overwhelmed right now.
My husband and I have ADD. I
Submitted by Best2You on
My husband and I have ADD. I actually found out this year at 35. I used to look at organized people thinking they were overachievers of some sort. Now I know that is not the case.
But going to the title of this post -- unfinished projects. I will start with myself ... my unfinished projects are more in the organizing department. Filing, receipts, mail, paper I absolutely hate it. Laundry gets piled up until there are no clean options left. I have tried several systems with success to undertake these things, the problem is sticking to them, and getting those who live with you to support/join your efforts.
Now to my husband's unfinished projects --- He dug out a trench to keep the water away from the house. It actually worked and keeps our basement dry, so great idea, but the pile of dirt and the raw trench are there today 5 years later. When the hardwood floors were refinished 6 years ago he was supposed to use a mixture to make the gaps of wood boards at the bottom of the walls seamless, and to use varnish on several small pieces of wood for a clean finish all over. Still not done.
What causes these things is our skewed ADHD time perception and the "not now" attitude. Without realizing hours become days, then weeks, months, years. It's crazy. People with ADHD need to realize that this is an issue and come up with better systems that help us accomplish what we set out to do.
Best2You
Follow-through
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Best2You,
I fully understand what you mean about your desire of "getting those who live with you to support/join your efforts". During the years our children (our son is 25, ADHD and living here, and our daughter is 23, married and in their own home) were growing up, I tried many a chart, graph, list, white board, post-it note, "Job Board", "Chore List", daily schedule, weekly schedule, monthly schedule, and then on to Plan B of a chart, graph, list, white board, post-it note, "Job Board", "Chore List", daily schedule, weekly schedule, monthly schedule, and then on to Plan C , etc., My desire was a unified front in our parenting, and organization of our home. My spouse is self-employed, with his office connected to our living-room - so we live his construction business 24/7. I/we never did find a style that worked. In the end, if I wanted it done, Mom did it - or it didn't get done.
All these years later, where I find myself is at the conclusion "for whatever the reason, my spouse could-not/would-not/did-not find a way to participate." I surely did not see it then, but in hindsight, it is no wonder my children were able to behave in the manner "If Daddy doesn't want to do it, we are not doing it either."
"the "not now" attitude. Without realizing hours become days, then weeks, months, years. It's crazy" This is a difficulty. It is truly difficult for me to be on the receiving end. The downstairs shower has been unusable for over 10 years, my washer and dryer are still in the basement - an old cellar type basement -. I tried for many years to humor it away - sorta like the shoes of the shoemaker's children with holes in them. If I tried to do it myself, it would not have a successful outcome. If I hire someone - it causes world war three, so my life has morphed into where I am today: The fight is gone and I no longer ever want to try. I am spent.
Yes, that skewed ADHD time continuum - I truly have empathy that spouse just doesn't get why I evolved to where I am at - that is really sad. I hate that it causes him anger - I just have to focus on me. And I have started to see I am at a place I do not like - and do not want to stay.
I understand your frustration in searching out ways to make your life work. I admire your ability to acknowledge it.
Liz
I see both sides
Submitted by Best2You on
I hear what you are saying (I'm so Exhausted) and feel for you. It's strange that I'm able to see both sides, the non-ADHD (forced) and the ADHD (real).
As non-ADHD - I totally understand how frustrating it is to be on the receiving end (like you) with things at a standstill, you cannot say anything about it (nag), you cannot call someone to finish it, you cannot do it your self...it seems as though the only choice is to let it go. The main thing here is not taking it personal and not building resentment, not for HIS sake but for your own sanity and happiness.
As ADHD - It is extremely HARD to want/start to do things you don't FEEL like doing. I find that this is a mental issue though. I usually procrastinate because I think a project will take a long time, or because I'm overwhelmed about HOW to actually get it done (the steps). Ironically, once I start to do something 95% of the time I find that it was not that difficult and it took less time than I was draining in anxiety about, and it feels GREAT to have these things off my list.
I wish something could be done to stop this cycle. I wish people could be diagnosed as soon as they are born, and that there was a manual on how to best train us to succeed in life starting those early moments. Now I'm getting sad.... :-( Anyway...
I do hope things get better for you :-) Nice chatting!
I feel you
Submitted by Van on
It's been almost 2 years at my house we moved into and it's still unfinished. I really wasn't too keen on the idea of this house, being there was so much work that needed done on it I could foresee what was going to happen. And it did.He starts a project then another all for me to pick up after. He feels if he does the work I pick up most of the mess.if I don't he doesn't care and it stays where it ia.Hew anted the house and felt at the time he could tackle every single task that needed finished in a reasonable amount of time. I should have known. I am so frustrated I feel like I can't take it anymore. I just don't know what else to do. If I had the money to pay somebody to finish these by God I would pay them. it's so much stuff I feel overwhelmed. There are tools and ladders etc. laying throughout my house. There's so much unfinished stuff that I feel it will never get completed. I'm a very neat and organized person. This is literally driving me insane and I don't know how to help it. I'm at the point now where I'm trying to save money to pay someone to do some of the unfinished tasks.please help me. I'm really trying to hold it together and not be angry but I am just feeling that I'm at my wit's end with this. And of course if I ask him to do anything he tells me I'm nagging and then gets angry at me in the whole cycle starts over.
I will share a few things Van....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm organized, my wife is very messy...First you must manage your emotions concerning this...The best way to do that is stop seeing his life style as your problem. The reason you are getting angry is because you don't want to accept who he is...(How he lives) Messy people likes their lives, just as much as organized people like their lives...If they didn't, they would pick up and clean up...If you can master this type respect and acceptance (everyone is important) it will truly help your attitude and anger....It doesn't mean you have to like it...You just can't let it create negative emotion in you, that will destroy you, because he will be fine...
I would set down with him, and calmly let him know that he needs to respect your desire to have an organized home...Tell him that you want live with hazards everywhere and that that's not negotiable...Just say this once, kindly as a matter of fact, but not as a threat....(make sure you have his attention)
I leave my wife's stuff alone, as long as it's not in the walk paths or creating trip hazards...(Some times I just pile her stuff up...I remind her (kindly) from time to time that these piles need to be taken care of....We have progressed to the point she will at least say I know it...Even if she doesn't do anything about it...
We have boundaries like our bedroom, kitchen table, bars, counters etc...She can pile it to the ceiling on her side of the bed, and her dresser can be a night mare, but she can't touch my side of the room, or my dresser...If her stuff gets onto my side of the room or bed, I just pitch it over onto her side of the bed....She accepts this and knows I don't live that way...
You and your husband need boundaries and they must be respected....But you must not allow his life style to poison your thinking about your husband...Focus on the good things and your love for him....Do not allow his messiness to identify him to you....Huge mistake!
I hope you can find acceptance, and learn to respect each others wishes in this....Cleanliness isn't next to Godliness...Humility and Acceptance is much closer!
Believe me I know how you feel, and how intrusive hoarding and messiness can be to someone who likes to keep things in their place...But at the end of the day, if I allow our difference's to put me in a state of heart and mind that I want, or am not able to take her in my arms, kiss her, tell her I love her....Then our marriage (us) just lost that day....And when you loose enough days, you lose the marriage..
Think about it??
C
Unfinished projects....mutual respect and feelings
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My question with this is. Why doesn't more ADHD folk respect our (the non ADHD person) feelings even a little,instead of always getting angry and/or stonewalling?
I am also living in a house cluttered to the maximum (makes me so nervous) with tons of huge unfinished projects in every single room. Then there's all the piles of his papers, tools and even trash. The yard looks like no one lives here, and some days I break down and cry because its so overwhelminging. (And we live in a very nice and neatly groomed development) We are always trying to consider their feelings and responses when we are dealing with them. But, because they "don't care" about messiness or not, does this mean they also want to have nothing whatsoever to do, in helping their wives feelings and/ or take some stress off of her? (Or husband) This seems really cold and unfeeling, but I keep reading how ADHDers really DO love their spouses. But, its the ACTIONS that show how someone is actually feeling towards another person, not words only. THIS is my huge delemna at the moment, and the past few days I've been super overwhelmed with it. DH, has been in bed for over a month with a broken leg. He can't figure out how to use crutches, so he stays in bed or the wheel chair for a while. But, I've been having to do everything "for him"....." Get, me this, get me that"......"Help me get my shirt, shoes,pants on". And at this point I'm ready to tear my HAIR out. He's supposed to be up on crutches, not in bed all the time being"waited on". He needs to do more for himself for this own recovery. My own pain levels are off the charts right now, and I'm crying every day, needing some relief. The projects are never going to get done. My main living-dining area is 5 different colors with every wall half painted a different color, and all the paint and supplies stuffed in the foyer coat closet as you walk in the front door. Aaaaarrrrgh. Its been this way for over a year. He's done with it, and now wants to sell the house. We absolutely freaking CANT sell it like this. Broken cupboards, broken other things he's also tried to "fix", but only made worse, and he TOO will not let me call anyone in. This is insane. The house keeps getting " broken" and not fixed, and being okay with that is not okay. Its horribly stressful. Sorry C, need to vent today before I go crazy.
They wish it wasn't their reality more than us....
Submitted by c ur self on
My question with this is. Why doesn't more ADHD folk respect our (the non ADHD person) feelings even a little,instead of always getting angry and/or stonewalling?
Which is the easiest for a Human? Prideful stonewalling and blame? or Humbly saying my mental illness effects by ability to be Organized?
Don't expect humans to see ourselves...**It's to painful** Adhd or not...We all just want to feel good about our selves...So just pat us on the back, and leave your "fix it attempts" for the person in the mirror!
That kind of sums it up..LOL....
Until we see what's not being said and done, and why it's not being said and done, we can stay angry and upset.....
C
Hi Dede...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
Could you tell him no? I've never had a broken leg but I imagine that he likely needs help with his pants and maybe shoes... (probably not his shirt though)... but what if you told him - "The doctor said you need to use your crutches, so if you want a snack/drink/whatever, you'll need to use them to get it."
That's fine Sister, Vent...I know how it is!
Submitted by c ur self on
It hasn't been but a year ago that I was her care giver during her knee replacement and recovery...Dealing w/ victim minds takes a lot of patients and Grace!
I will pray for you....
C
For what it's worth..
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
My ex's house gave me anxiety attacks, too.
He bought the worst house in the best neighborhood, which was smart, but the work that it already needed never got done. It's understandable that he may not have had the money but it also wasn't even maintained.
Almost 20 years have passed since he bought it and now it's worse. It needs a new roof, the fence is falling down, the backyard deck is rotting, the aggregate around the pool is degrading, metal is sticking up where the diving board got ripped out, there's evidence of insect damage, more than half of the kitchen appliances are broken, the cabinets were chewed by dogs, the linoleum is torn up in places, doors are scratched up, there's a double slider that doesn't open for some reason, the chimney needs inspection, the heater doesn't work and there are only single pane windows throughout so it's freezing cold inside in the winter. There are also no smoke alarms, that I saw, and that fact alone scared me to death. The plumbing and electrical likely need to be looked at, as well.
Then there's the clutter. Stacks upon stacks cover every possible surface, two desks that are completely unusable from stacking, a third that is barely so, worn out or found furniture that he said he would fix, 5 bicycles in the living room, massive amounts of old electronics, toy collectibles and other *stuff* jammed in every possible corner. Closets full of old, worn out clothing and kids stuff and who knows what else... I mean there is an entire room off the garage that is so full of boxes of stuff that you cannot get into it except down a narrow pathway in the middle. The garage is in similar condition.
Outside there are dead plants, random pieces of bricks and cement, broken lawn furniture, dead vehicles in the driveway, and last I saw it the front grass had died off.
Even if he was able to sell the house "as is" I don't know how he would even get out from under everything that is crammed into it. It would take several people to go through it all.
At the time, I couldn't understand why he was off spending money on motorcycles, new electronics, luxury clothing, expensive gifts, booze, vacations and other such escapades when the house needed so much work. I was like, yes you have an investment here but it's decaying right out from under you! Stop talking about building a wine cellar or an addition or running off to buy another bike you don't need... and just fix the stuff in front of you! I offered to help sort through everything, take things to the dump, have a yard sale, put stuff on ebay, you name it.. Nope. He refused every single offer and insisted he would do it all.
I finally had to stop going over there. In the end he got angry at me for that too, and told me *I* was creating a hardship since I wouldn't come over. (smh) I was like no.. you won't accept help with anything but you're also not doing it yourself. I can't cook on a stove that is half broken. I don't want to freeze in the Winter. All the clutter is practically claustrophobia inducing. You say you want to take care of everything but it is not happening. This is a fact. Look around you. So I removed myself from the situation because it is unhealthy for me. If circumstances change, I will reconsider. He just didn't get it. No matter how I explained it. And then of course, we split up... with him yelling at me the whole time about how he was going to get things done, but it's all still the same.
At some point it's like... how much of this is lack of awareness and other symptoms of ADD and how much of it is just stubborn willful blindness? Or as C said.. is it just too hard to look in the mirror? Maybe all of the above... but it's hard to say how to create consequences or initiate change in a situation like that... For me the only option was to leave. :-/