I'm the one with this issue, not so much my SO. I'm coming to understand more and more, how this issue of mine is causing problems in my relationships. I realize it's from my past traumas ( as a survival strategy ) that was successful at one time.... so learning how to do it now in a comfortable way is hard, at least, because I'm not use to doing it. It's also not easy, when the other person reacts negatively to it.
Two people with RSD, reacting from feeling rejected ( at the same time ) is a difficult thing to muster, when your RSD is triggered, by the very thing you're trying to do ie: set a boundary....which inevitably, is ( potentially ) going to cause the other person to feel rejected, which in turn, is going to make you feel rejected, from their rejected-ness. ( Symptom, Symptom, response, response, response, response, response ) lol This potentially could go on for days!! Unresolved.
Best laid plans are just that....an idea ( even a good one ) and trying to apply it in the real world. Good ideas, you read in a book (school ) or otherwise is good knowledge to have. Applying it in the real world without any experience, is where "school" really begins.
Knowing how, comes from experience. This is how, this can play out as on example.
My SO likes to bite me sometimes. In playfulness, but sometimes it hurts! And before anyone goes too far down the wrong road ( because I had to look it up ) this is called "cute aggression"...that is, when somethin is just so adorable to you, you impulsively have to bite it, or squeeze it, pinch its cheek, etc. I had to go back to grade school to find this in my memory banks, but, I remember hitting ( gently) little girls I had crushes on, to get their attention. And sometimes that backfired and I felt really stupid. Bur sometimes that worked too, because now they at least noticed me. In gradeschool, this came from a completely lack of understanding or anything better to do and me, being a numbskull. Both.
The problem, is, sometimes...my SO bites too hard and it actually hurts. To the point, it leaves a mark ( a welt ) and I really don't enjoy it. Not only do I not enjoy it, it makes me a little mad. ( because it hurts! ).
Now, my SO is like me hitting the little girl in school to get her attention and trying to be "playfull" or "engaging" , and this little girl wheels around and says:" hey!! knock that off!! ( stupid ) ".
In essence, that's what happened this morning. It was the third time, she bit so hard....it actually left a welt with indentations. And in the past, I may have said "ouch" ...but I never said: "you need to be more careful when you're playing around...cause that really hurt."That would have been, the more diplomatic way to say it.......
But in the moment, when I first rolled out of bed half asleep, not fully aware, and someone bites you on the shoulder when they're hugging you...hard enough to leave a mark.....I pushed her away and said "owe, I REALLY don't like it when you do that!!"
Her response was: " you liked it before??"
Me:" I've never liked it...I just never said anything!"
I guess that's one way to set a boundary but results were less than optimal.
She became irritated and withdrew. It ruined the good mood and the playfully gesture, she went cold....I felt rejected ( kick in RSD ) ....now I'm feeling like she's ( going to kick me out and leave me RSD )....she's acting super cold and ( punishing me ) all the while saying " I'm fine" which is not true. ( just fine thanks ) And this one little instance turns into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Which is also true.
I'm writing this all down because this is a perfect example of Symptom ( Symptom ) /response (response), response ( response ) ...and how it plays out.
And in the end...the normal "just let it go" comes out....which is code for:
"I don't want to talk about it ie: I don't want to take any responsibility for my part of this...I don' want to hear about how I hurt you ( physically )....even if it was just an accident..... and I'm not going to apologize ( because I take no responsibility )....because I'm feeling hurt and rejected and irritated with you.....because you rejected me... because I hurt you ( but...you're so sensitive...thats really the problem )....because I was just playing with you, and feeling close....and you ruined it for me...by doing what you did....and made me feel embarrassed ( or shamed )....
Or something along those lines.
And what did I do? I told her that she hurt me...and hurt me in the past....and I don't like it now....or in the past either.
That was me, talking through pain...( physical pain ) in real time. Best laid plans don't always work.
A short time later....I went back and told her "I don't mind when you bite, but when you bite that hard ( to leave a mark ) it really hurts, and I'm no longer enjoying it. I'm sorry that I reacted that way."
That's the real truth. But in the moment, that's not what I said...or the way I reacted.
But this is the pattern we've got going on. As I see it....the inability to have empathy is blocked...by the inability to take responsibility....and it all comes to a grinding halt right there.
And the, just let it go works ( kind of ) from avoiding conflict...but nothing gets resolved and nothing changes.
My part in this whole play ( not necessarily this time because that really hurt !! Like real physical pain!! Lol ) But the fact that I'm an HSP highly sensitive person, and I have to consider that when blaming anyone for "hurting my feelings ". Physical pain, is a feeling, and my immediate response is to push people way....which is exactly what I did this time too.
Can she be a little "insensitive" ??
I think she lacks empathy in moments when she needs it...and not being able to see outside of herself, or take responsibility for "hurting me" sometimes. It's the refusing to take responsibility part that actually is the problem. In the moment, I lacked empathy too... because I was more focused on my physical pain which was real. And I have the mark to prove it.
Instead of saying "let it go"....if she said, "ouch, sorry honey, are you okay?"....or anything along those lines....everything would be better ( and resolved )...and then....I could let it go.
She's skipping over the taking responsibility part...where she acknowledges how she hurt me. This is the problem...as I'm seeing it.
