“There’s the saying that you can’t serve two masters at one time because you will love one and loathe the other,” says Dr. Childs. “Usually, when we enter into affairs, there’s either a lack of communication in a relationship, our needs are not being met, or it’s become so routine that we need an escape and we need something exciting. That exciting new thing may come in the form of this ‘new relationship,’ but what we’re not recognizing is that it’s all a fantasy.”
I finally figured out what's going on, in part, with this "friend" my SO has. Nothing made sense, nothing could explain the explanations I was getting intil now....and I'm really angry.
This is completely different than the premise of an "exciting new relationship" concept. These are old relationships, before I was even in the picture. It all makes sense to me now....and what my intuition was telling me. I could feel it....in other words.
But it still does involve a fantasy, and the idea of romance. My SO said she "loves romance" to me once ( which I've never really felt or seen from her )...which made me oddly curious about this discrepancy. Clearly, she was talking about something else? Actually, no, she wasn't talking about something else....." I love romance "....literally. But the kind in fantasy books or Hollywood movies....the fake kind...the kind that came from someone else's imagination.
I remember standing in line at the grocery store, behind a disheveled looking woman in a Mu Mu, buying a carton of cigarettes, a bottle of Ripple wine and a "True Romance" book. ( pulp fiction ). I thought to myself, mmm....she's gonna have a good evening?
Which would be the equivalent to now: a disheveled looking guy, buying a carton of cigarettes, a short case of Papts Blue Ribbon and a porno mag. Am I wrong ?
It's a fantasy about sex and romance....and the two getting intertwined between sex and women. From the woman's side and the man's side....and pretty clearly....this lady and my fictitious ( but millions of them out there ) guy...who are getting these needs met. You may not agree on the how...but this is one way to do it.
So back to my SO. When I first met her online a few years ago....there's this guy, regularly commenting and following her on social media ...and puts a "like" on every single post she makes, who shares her same last nam. To this day...he's always there. Just lurking around. I first thought it must be her brother ( still having her maiden name ) ...then I find out it's her ex-husband, and I thought, that's kinda wierd?
And there's this other guy following her on social media, who seems very intent on commenting but not only that, appears to know her well from the comments he's made. What' up with him, I thought? Come to find out, my SO said, "oh...when I was really insecure and low after my breakup with "the one" ( the guy who dumped her after two months after they moved in together )...I told him I was attracted to him and he told me the same."
But this guy is married. Has been for 35 years to the same women. And this guy...after ( me ) following him around on social media to see if he potentially is someone of interest to her...I saw he had a number of good looking women he was following around....especially ones with provocative photos or an inviting nature. Flirtatious and they talked about sex a lot.
So, while I was communicating with my SO the entire time before I moved here....she's following this guy around too. He's really into rock hounding and sent her a few pieces. So now, she's getting into rock hounding ( mirroring ) and showing interest too. Belongjng to the same groups as him, talking to him daily.
So when I arrive here, she actually began showing me "gifts" he's sent her. I immediately asked:" why is a married man sending you gifts? Does his wife know about this?" And it actually seemed like she does and is okay with it? It also could be, theyre estranged for financial reasons, and living in the same house? That's pure speculation....but this is what I know for sure.
When I first got here, my SO suggested going to the town where he lives ( 700 miles away ) for her birthday to see a "Rock Hound" show? I'm thinking....what?. Why would I want to go visit him and see a Rock Hound show...for your birthday? WTF?
I came up with a better plan and we had a great time together.
But then she shows me a bracelet he sent her. ( jewelry ). And I immediately said:" woah...hold on there. I'm in the jewelry bussiness....this is one area I know...for over 40 years counting jobs I had as a salesperson. Men, give jewelry, to special women in their lives! Period. You are NOT going to tell me otherwise!! Giving gifts of jewelry, means something. And, I know exactly what that means!
But she stood there, and tried to tell me they are just friends. I kept my mouth shut...and filed that away for a later date.
Up to this point, I believed everything she said. For a while, I thought, maybe they slept together? Maybe...but I still don't think so. I think she's telling the truth when she told me that he "turned her down when I asked him to come visit saying ( him ) "I'm married, and that probably wouldn't be a good idea." I believe that's the truth ...that's what my intuition tells me at least.
So in other words however, they were both having an emotional affair and he was lusting after her. Fantasizing about having sex....and probably making that plain to her in more words. He'd already proven that he's done that with these other women on social media. A middle aged man, been married to one women for 35 years...and having a mid life crisis. Petty clear to me.
What's also clear is....my SO is an "object" of his affection and desire. Not just sex, but part of this fantasy play "BOTH" of them have together.
What is emotional cheating?
"Emotional cheating is a type of an emotional affair that involves developing a close, emotional connection with someone other than your partner without fully disclosing the existence of that connection. Over time, as you continue to build an emotional bond with this other person, you may experience a disruption in your own relationship. This happens because having a strong emotional connection to someone else may directly interrupt or interfere with your ability to emotionally connect with your partner. In some cases, emotional affairs can last for a few weeks or months, while others can last for several years."
She has this emotional bond with this guy. He's part of this "romance" she loves. And he's continuing to play his part.
How do I know?
Ever since I've been there, she's been really stressing the "just friends" part. Really stressing, over and over, making an extra effort to build in my mind, that they are just friends. Pushing that narrative, while at the same time...telling me openly about their relationship every time he contacts her. Invites her to a chat room, and him, making strangely odd comments to her on social media. Strangly odd, because they don't make sense to me...but yet they all laugh. What are they laughing about?? Must be a private joke. Because that's exactly what it is....a private joke between my SO, this guy ( his friend )...and another horn dog friend ( same thing ) married...but follows my SO...and this other gal in particular...around Facebook.
And, this other gal, is constantly...bringing up sex...and fishing for compliments. She brings up sex: who's she's slept with, innuendo, how she loves sex with women too ( threesome fantasy ) and teasing these guys with sexual ( mental images ) of her in different fantasy scenarios having sex. Just like porn. People call these ladies "a tease" because that's what they like to do. They want attention from men, but they usually don't act on it...exactly why the name "tease". It's all so friendly and playful..."we're just "friends". Tee Hee.
Yes!!! Friends I'd like to have sex with...and most likely masterbate to !!
Just like my SO's friend and his buddy...who follow women around who they find attractive and want to "f@#k"
I'm wording this that way, because, that's all they want. Love, has nothing to do with it.
So, "this guy"...thinks he pretty funny. I can tell, he really thinks alot of himself and also thinks he's being sneaky. That no one knows his little secret including me. He probably thinks, if he plays his cards right, he might get what he wants. He's of a predatory nature...on the make ( hunting ).
So now, this guy, out of the blue, arrives at my house, where I live. From an invitation he got from my SO ...before I moved here. I'm so angry at this guy, I could spit.
And from the second he walked in....everything was wrong...wrong in every way...and I could feel it. He lied several times, couldn' keep his story straight, was projecting ( which was pretty obvious ). Said he was heading South...when he already said he was going west. I tested that again saying...so you're heading west now?" NO south." Which contradicted what I just heard him say. And he said he was going one place after another in chronologica order....but when he posted pictures on social media...that order was different. In fact, the entire itinerary he told us seemed made up in the moment. Too many details to keep straight. When I looked at my SO's face when she told me he was coming over....there was a flash of fear on her face...just a moment, then it was gone.
But the biggest things he said straight up was, he came to see my SO. Yet, he spent the entire time talking to me, as if, he was really trying hard to get me to like him. Trying a little too hard you might say. And the entire time, my SO just sat their listening...with not much to say? And then when he left, she said ," see, he's just a friend and nothing to worry about"...like as if, to keep pushing this friend narrative. That was the entire theme..."he's a friend, and now he's your friend too".
No, he is not my friend, and never was. It's what they want me to be, and it felt very pushed on me and awkward.
But one of my biggest telltales came from my past. My best friend ( the narcissists ) use to do something with everyone when he first met them. He'd always hug them, instead of shaking their hands like...."see, I'm your buddy....we'r instant friends" That sent alarm bells off...because I'd seen that many times before....coming from a known ( narcissistic person ). In fact, everything about this guy reeked of narcissism ...the same brand, that I knew from my best friend...who' everyone' friend.
The only problem with this kind of friend, that he had a "alls fair in love and war" attitude...which allowed him to have sex with any woman he wanted to. Married or not....in fact....usually in a relationship with someone else at the time. He also wasn't looking for love, just a quick romance that ended in sex. Kinda like those Romance novels...porn for women.
So, this guy, reminded me exactly of my best friend.....and I told my SO this. I not only told my SO that, but many of the details of what I just said...about him only. I never accused her of anything but....I ended by saying how uncomfortable I was with him coming here.....and him, in general, saying I didn't trust him at all and never have...including...telling her, we are definitely NOT friends ( which blew their narrative out of the water ) and I really don't trust his motive...telling her all about my best friend and the "method" he used to get women into bed. By first, being their "best friend"...while all along, just wanting sex.
And that's when, she blew up. She accused me of being "demented ( crazy ). Said I was possessive, jealous, insecure. Said she didn't think we were a good match. Said, that's a big red flag....said a whole lot of things about me that just aren't true....which I knew they weren't.....at the time.
She also told me that ( one time ) micro-cheating....isn't considered cheating to everyone. ( including her )....but she didn't say that part. She didn't say it, because she does it....just like the woman she despises ( the tease )...who gets lots of male attention...by advertising sex.
My SO doesn't advertise sex, but she does like to flirt. She likes to "put it out there"...to get men to pay attention to her....and engage with her.
And she did it, repeatedly while we were on vacation with other men we met. To the point....I got angry, and that put a damper on the entire trip.
I was accused of being insecure and jealous again. But that's not what I was feeling. I was angry...with every right to be. Not, that I didn't contribute in some way....but, because, for what ever reason, I was being treated so poorly. It was very emotionally upsetting then....and when this guy came over. I was not the priority.....the priority was feeling desired sexually ( or otherwise )...and a need to feel attractive. Not just by me, but by men in general.
I think the need to feel attractive, wanted, and desired by men, has been, the overwhelming issue.
***It's not sex...it's to feel attractive and desired. And she needs this badly, and to have this keep being reinforced in her head.***
Is she having sex with these men? I really don't think so. Is she needing to fulfill some romance fantasy she has? Better option. And maybe she did sleep with this guy ( Mr everyone's friend ) and she's covering for him because he's married )
But what's her excuse? Why doesn't she be open and honest with me? I don't care who she slept with in the past. In fact, one of my good friends who we spent time together, ended up marrying an old girlfriend of mine. There was never a problem. I know how I acted, and I had absolutely no intention of being anything more than a friend. No issues between he and I....or her and him....because my intentions were always honorable. Even if I had the opportunity...and sex with her was offered...there'd be absolutely no way that would happen. Not, just because she was married...but because of my friendship with him!! I respected him equally...as I did her...because he was also my friend.
And, everyone knew it. It was all out in the open...that's the difference. No private jokes between myself and her. No discussions of secret desires ....because there were none. The fact that I broke up with her ( my choice ) probably had a lot to do with it, but I think everyone knew, that I could be trusted....because I could.
Mr Everyone's friend? I don't trust him as far as I can spit. Neither would I trust my best friend ( in the past )...because I personally watched him have sex with multiple girls ( not watching but was there ) who had boyfriends....some, who were also his friend.
Also, while he was here....he made it a point to tell me when he was younger ( before he was married )..."my hobby was girls"...in high school. Yeah, Mr Midlife crisis. I see you, trying to recapture your youth before you were married.
So why not tell me? Because....it's still going on...and has been the entire time? And maybe....she did already have sex with him? That's a real possibility.....when she was "insecure and feeling low" after she was dumped. I mean, that's completely understandable. I wasn't even in the picture.
But that also means, he's probably already been here before. Which is why he kept giving her gifts. Which is why he gave her jewelery....which is why he feels a sense of possession and ownership ( as guys often do with women they've has sex with ) ....and why, he's coming back for more. ( maybe )
This is what I'm angry about. Not that they had sex before us. But the disrespect to me is agreguios. And the balls someone would have ( and the arrogance ) he would have to feel about his own self importance...to think, it would be okay...to try and come back for more. Like he's God's gift to women and he just that great in bed??
Unlike me and my friend ( married to my ex girlfriend) ...he had no respect for me, no respect for my SO....and no respect for himself...if....that's what was going on. Like I said....it felt wrong on so many levels.
I'm guessing....her fantasy guy...( Mr everyone's friend ) is a lot more appealing...because she can't have him, he lives 700 miles away, and, she doesn't really have to get to know him...because he's just a fantasy. A stranger off the internet.
And as long as she doesn't sleep with him, it's not cheating. But....in order to keep the fantasy going....this guy needs to desire her for sex.
That's her bad...that responsibility lies with her if I'm correct in this. The big difference is, this guy, arrived unannounced, in the flesh, and isn't in the pages of some book. I can't tell you how angry this makes me. Even if, nothing is "going on" or my SO isn't having sex with him or anyone else ( including me )
Kinda like porn for guys...but in real life.
I will say this to porn use. I use porn, because I'm not getting sex. When I get sex, and have it regularly. I stop using porn. Fact. I choose a real relationship and real sex and intimacy over fantasy. I don't use porn as a replacement for a real person, with real emotions and real intimacy when they're standing in front of me. I use it as erotica, to become aroused, to have an orgasm.
There's nothing emotional about it...it does not fulfill that need what so ever. It's pretty empty and cold in fact. Just a means to an end....that's it.
I don't know if that's wrong, but that is me, just being honest.
That's the dealio. And my feelings tell me this is right. Unfortunately, I cannot talk about this to my SO...or I'll just get gaslighted again....and her "blowing up".
If I could....I would. But this would yet be, more "drama" that she hates.
