I fear this post may be interpreted as selfish. As a non-ADHD partner, I feel there are others who can (albeit possibly reluctantly) admit to sharing my feelings.
Sometimes I think we are ashamed and feel guilty to admit how angry and impatient we can become as a result of trying to navigate the minds of our ADHD partners and how they impact/affect us individually and as a couple.
We are seniors and with that comes the inherent difficulties in elder relationships (47 years). Good news/bad news: Only within the past 5 years have we discovered & acknowledged his ADHD. Good news: it explained a trememdous amount of our decades of sporatic disconnection. Bad news: at a time in our lives when we need each other even more and our stress levels are elevated naturally, I am in no condition to (mentally or physically) deal with what I know is something he has great difficulty in controlling.
Making matters worse, I am an instant responder, more verbose, more logical and unfortunately, less patient to begin with. The later is something I've been truly working on. I am better. I tend to the anxiety side, which I've come to realize over the years, has been exacerbated by his ADHD. I try to be patient. But I also continue to wait for the next shoe to drop. It's become a viscous cycle of anxiety & momentary calm. The anxiety is killing me.
I've found the only way to protect myself from my husband's ADHD manifestations is to literally walk away from a situation, from his inability to respond, from the interminible wait for a response or his near constant change stories/information either in midstream or moments later. At times it even feels like gaslighting when he insists he "didn't say that". The changing of stories/words/instructions aspect - especially - has been the cause of actual near accidents for the both of us while travelling or hiking, which we both love doing. When I am out in nature, on a trail, I don't need uncertainty or fear initiated by my partner.
The only positive result of that is it's forced me to advocate. But when I do 'take charge' of my own autonomy, there is an overwhelming sense from him of abandonment, failure and letting me down. All of which I understand. So, I acquiese to him more than I should because I can't bear seeing him hurt or sad or like a failure. A stain which his parents created for him to wear throughout most of his life.
But in that acquesence I realize I'm putting my own self and both of us in possible jeopardy because, damn it...I know better in that particular situation. And that creates anger in me. Both at him and myself for not doing what I know should really have been done to protect us.
He truly cannot in many cases see the forest for the trees. His focus is scattershot, while mine is more pinpoint. I've often thought he would drown on a ship if I didn't direct him towards the lifeboats. Having said that it may be construed I consider myself some sort of know it all. I am most definitely not. What I am, I suppose, is a Caretaker. And I hate that.
Please forgive this long diatribe. As I write this it seems to amount to nothing more than selfish word vomit. I'm not seeking answers. I don't think there are any. I just didn't know anywhere else to share this because I know only people here would understand. Thank you. Linda
