hello !
In my other post I wrote about how I moved from Mexico to the Netherlands to be with my partner ... and how in this 9 months of been here have been a nightmare.
I sometimes wonder how I got into this situation with H. How did I eventually let my guard down so much that I daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, decadely permit myself to be regretful and confused?
I am deconstructing our conversations to find clues and here is one. This just happened:
Me: With a positive tone, "I like to stand on this rug"...(it is nubbly textured on stocking feet).
H: With an argumentative tone, "You can't stand on that rug. It isn't your rug."
On Friday, I told my wife that I had to work on an important volunteer project at some point during the weekend. We both knew that we had plans for Sunday. My wife knows that this is LITERALLY a life or death project. Lawyers have sent me notes thanking me for helping to save their clients lives when I have done similar projects. My wife has herself acknowledge that this work saves people's lives.
Last night in couples therapy, the therapist pointed out that my wife has fallen asleep several times during the sessions and expressed concern 1) that she was not getting enough sleep and 2) that she could not stay present.
Trying to be supportive and helpful, I reminded my wife that her mother has sleep apnea. Real, diagnosed sleep apnea. She uses a breathing machine to sleep. I also pointed out that she snores loudly, a symptom that could be related to sleep apnea.
I Googled codependent and Independent today because it occurs to me that H has lived his life like an independent person. His top priority seems to be to NOT be responsible or relied upon by anyone and by calling his own shots. His bravado comes from a sense of his being his own man. No burdens. Not accountable to anyone. I have been one to always put the marriage and family first and now I am resentful.
Hello! I just recently discovered this forum and maybe it is a way for me to get the help I am looking for and that so far I don't get.
It's amazing how difficult it is to accept the choices made by our spouses, that we don't like...I've known what to do (or, not do) to help myself, and her, and the marriage for quiet some time....But, knowing doesn't translate into the power to do, much of the time....When we determine by observation and experience (being subjected to it) that our spouses choices in life is detrimental to us, and the relationship, we (I at least) can't help but confront them and point it out....
We have been together for over two years, living together for one. He has undiagnosed ADHD and has been self medicating most of his life. Fortunately, his addictions aren’t as bad as they could be and are smoking, alcohols, sugar and speed (motorcycle). By sheer will, he had all but quit smoking and drinking but when he slows doing one, another increases.
I just learned that he recently started smoking again and has been keeping it from me. I feel so betrayed and hurt and am having a heard time getting past it. Now, when he’s not with me, I’m always thinking the worst.
Both my wife and I have adhd and have been struggling in our marriage with the difficulties that we each create for years. These problems keep escalating each time we have had a new child, especially when she got post partum depression with our last one. We have been going to counseling but we won't be able to go back for 3 weeks due to scheduling conflicts. Found the book that lead me to this forum a few days ago and figured I would seek some help here too.
Turn your knowledge into actionable steps to improve your relationship. join our Intent-to-Action Membership Program.
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
"Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
