Recent forum posts (all topics)

"Broadly speaking, working on important things typically requires having good skills for tolerating uncomfortable emotions." This is from an article about work that I just read.  It makes me think of my ex, who strenuously avoids uncomfortable emotions.  Some important things he didn't work on because of avoiding emotions included looking for jobs, talking about financial issues, and engaging in therapy for ADHD and other mental disorders. 

As J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan, has said, "The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it."

This is on my mind today....or something like it.  I don't recognize the person I have become. I didn't see my life turning out this way. What could I have done differently 40 years ago, 30 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago, yesterday that would have made my path different?  

Discussing how our problems are not real because they are not their problems, I was reminded of the old joke about the inexperienced teenagers trying anal sex for the first time:

The girl starts shouting, "Ow!  Stop!  It hurts!"

The guy replies, "It doesn't hurt!  It feels great!"

My fears of the combined stress of my wife and kids spending more time with each other over summer break and a visit by my wife's biological mother leading to explosions proved correct.

For those who have been married to an ADHD spouse with anger management issues, do those warm, fuzzy, loving feelings once felt ever return if they disappear??  H is a really good guy, and I mean that.  Not a narcissist.  Not manipulative.  Attentive and loving (when in a good mood).  Just not doing enough to prevent angry outbursts when he is triggered.  After being diagnosed last year, he is FINALLY going to a different psychiatrist tomorrow to try different meds.  I also believe he needs therapy.  And he says he will do anything to fix this.

[Author’s Note: Melissa Orlov describes an ADHD symptom/response/response dynamic that can work to disrupt marriages.  I give the following story as a possible illustration.  We knew nothing about ADHD until one of my sons and then my wife were diagnosed three years ago.]

I have been married to my husband for 11 years and have experienced all the craziness that is described in this forum.  I often find myself relating to so many of the posts here.  When I first began noticing the odd behaviors, the lying, the cheating, the angry temper, stonewalling, silent treatments, saying one thing - doing another, etc, etc. I, like most of you went on a search for what was going on to gain clarity and validate that I was not in fact losing my mind.  My husband's two oldest sons both have ADHD so that is where I began my search.  I found the book, Is it you, me or ADHD?

ADHD Effect on Marriage is one of my current re-reads.  I just finished reading Step 2:  Addressing Obstacles.  I am still struggling a lot with the aspect of natural consequences for the adhd spouse.  I am finding that I, the non-adhd spouse, am still bombarded with natural consequences as a result of my adhd household.  But the natural consequences don't seem to be affecting the adhd individuals, they seem to be my natural consequences...by association.  As a small example, I will do laundry simply because I need to clean my clothes so I might as well do everyone else's, but I will not pu

I'm very well. That's what I hear my DH saying to people all the time. Even right after screaming and swearing at me.  Even with the hoarding mess. Even with the constant forgetfulness. Even with the crazy communication. Even with the broken promises. Even with the never ending lying. I fail to understand the depths of denial......

Here is a writing from online "Phycology Today" that I shortened and it targets exactly what I have been swimming in for so long.  I didn't know the rules (or chose to make my own easier, more comfortable rules).  I was attracted to the bad boys and I was a nice girl.  Not a fun place to be for too long.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last (and Nice Gals Too)!

1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest