Wow - this book was suggested by Melissa Orlov last week in a forum post. Wow, wow, wow! Lightbulb moment! A must read for those on this forum.
Not too very long ago, I tried to express to my spouse why I changed my behavior. Most changes surround new boundaries put in place to keep my distance from behaviors directed at me that I will no longer accept.
Two things came to light that really surprised me.
I've done a little research about this topic and revisited it again wondering what the differences are to victim mentality and Narcissism or the like in disorders. It does appear that there is an overlapp in some ways but a true Narcissist it seems will use victim mentality as a tool or weapon in their arsonal to use as needed just to get his/her needs met. In reality.....it's a distorted version of victim mentality so you can say that you can have one without the other but.... you can have Narcissism without victim mentality if that makes sense.
This is what I am struggling with now. It's sad and it's something I can't control. It is a reaction to his lack of effort. Good guy, big heart but does not emotionally fill my needs and it seems that he doesn't have any emotional needs for ME to fill which makes me realize that all these years, I have worked so hard for something that wasn't going to make a dent anyway. He is a robot, sorta speak. He has physical needs though, and I still have to fulfill those. He pays attention when he needs that but the feeling isn't one of romance just one of duty. This was coming down the pike.
I'm tired. My husband joked a few years back that he might have ADHD. Reading these posts, Has me thinking it might be true. He always has to be the 'victim'. Me asking him to do something, oh let's say, like watch how much he drinks so he won't fall, just turns into an argument. He's full of excuses! He always turns the argument around to make me the focus. He adds multiple topics and we never get anything resolved. He's said multiple times to me 'I thought I told you'. His latest...he said I said to him on Satuday, 2 different times that 'I don't give a F about him'.
I am desperately seeking help. Around 20 years ago I thought I met the girl of my dreams. She was beautiful, extremely kind and I enjoyed being with her. Even at this early stage I noticed that she was always on the move doing one thing or another, she spent money like there was no tomorrow and often her facts were a bit confused. I loved her dynamism as I am very slow to be motivated. I am very intelligent and analyse everything thoroughly and found her weird facts and confusion and slow brain a bit annoying. However, being lavished with gifts, presents and love overcame these issues.
After 40 years of my overfunctioning and supporting him, H says to me, "What did you EVER do for ME?" Don't let that be your story when you are over 60 years old.
Coming to this forum was orgiginally a somewhat frustrating and disheartening expereince. Even thought my aim was to find out more about my ADHD....it seemed at first that I knew less than I had originally thought?
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The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
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