Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

(Man standing in jungle with family, looking lost)  “O.K., I admit it, we’re lost, but the important thing is to remain focused on whose fault it is”.

-New Yorker cartoon

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Finding Fault

Do you spend a lot of time trying to figure out who is to blame for the problems in your relationship?  As in the couple in the cartoon – blame obscures the issue.  It doesn’t matter who is to blame…what matters is that you are lost (above) and that you find your way out.

If you spend a lot of time blaming each other, it’s probably because there is an underlying issue that hasn’t been resolved – for example, that one partner feels the other is unreliable, or that either partner feels they aren’t respected enough.  Next time you come to a situation where you are trying to prove who is to blame, use a verbal cue that means something like this – “we’re spending time blaming each other when we should be solving the problem.  We can come back to discussing the underlying problems later when we’re not needing to solve the immediate problem.  Right now, let’s focus on what needs to get done.”  You might agree that a good cue for that might be something like "Let's solve the current problem, then we can circle back."

Later, after you are no longer lost, sit down and have a learning conversation to find out what was really important about the situation – underneath the blame.

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2011 Melissa Orlov