The Limits of Tools

ADHD & Marriage News - March 26, 2025

Quote of the Week

“At first, I thought, ‘I can still have all these neurotypical goals and have this neurotypical life and have a clean house and a clean car and keep in touch with friends. I just have to do it in a way that’s ADHD-friendly.’ I was willing to accept that if my brain works differently, I might have to do things differently. But I wasn’t yet willing to accept the limits of using tools and strategies. No matter how many tools you have, the challenges are still there.”

- Jessica McCabe, YouTube creator of How to ADHD

I’m a huge fan of creating structures and using ADHD-friendly tools (such as alarms and reminders) to help those with ADHD function better in a world that is often hostile to them. These tools often work well and can make incredible differences in how individuals with ADHD function and how healthy their relationship is.

But, as McCabe notes from her own experience, there is a limit to what tools can do for you. For one, they don’t make ADHD go away. For another, they don’t turn you into a non-ADHD person. Even well managed, the ADHD remains…and needs to continue to be managed.

This may be a big disappointment to ADHD and non-ADHD partners alike, who often hope that the right combination of systems and structures will smooth out everything at home. This is such a big issue, in fact, that I sometimes have to stop couples from fantasizing about what improvement the next tool might bring and work with them on recognizing what they have, right now, with their current relationship and their current partner.

It is always useful work. True acceptance of ADHD’s strengths and weaknesses (it generally brings both) stabilizes the relationship and improves your ability to move forward with effective ways to improve your real relationship, rather than pine for the one you imagine you might have, but don’t.

Do you spend a lot of time fantasizing about what you might have vs. seeking the wonderful in what you already have?

HIGHLIGHT:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - It's a great time to join! We have outstanding workshops coming up, like the ADHD Partner Pause with Cam Gott, and a book discussion on April 7th with author Tamara Rozier on her book "You, Me and our ADHD Family." And, our Resource Library was just launched so you can choose your own adventure for what you need to learn and apply with your partner. You can still get one of the last spots for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us soon!

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Spring 2025 dates: Wednesdays, April 16, 23, 30, May 7, 14, 21, (break), June 4, 11. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.