Never a Problem

ADHD & Marriage News - April 16, 2025

Quote of the Week

“Let’s be clear. A person is a person. A problem is a problem. A person is never a problem.”

- Christine Hargrove, PhD, LMFT

Never a Problem

Please read Christine’s quote above one more time – slowly.

I have been giving a series of workshops on the topic of resentment for the new Intent to Action program, and ADHD partners agreed that one of the things they resent the most is that they feel as if they are treated as if they are a problem that needs to be fixed. If you have ADHD, you likely know what that might feel like. If you don’t, stop a moment and imagine how debilitating that would be. You’re not a person so much as a problem to be addressed or fixed. It’s not hard to understand why this is such a strong source of resentment for ADHD partners.

Treating a person as ‘the problem’ really, truly, misses the point.

Yes, your partner might be struggling with ADHD symptoms that manifest as ADHD symptomatic behaviors. Or, they might not yet be able to address your concerns about ADHD or even be resistant to your concerns. Nonetheless, it is the ADHD itself (and their life of experience with ADHD), NOT your partner as a person, that is the problem. More accurately, not the problem but likely just one of the problems you face as this is never just about one partner or ADHD.)

Correctly attributing where your various problems originate makes a difference to your success. If ADHD is one of your problems, then:

You can act as together as two people ready to address ADHD concerns in your joint relationship. This puts the two of you as equals tackling something that can be difficult.
You can continue to respect your ADHD partner’s efforts to manage their ADHD (since they are not their ADHD). You might not understand their efforts, but you can generally assume they are doing their best.
You can allow that ADHD is a significant issue – your partner (the person) may work hard to manage the ADHD (problem) but may not always be successful. That doesn’t make them a bad person (or a problem) – just someone trying their best (whatever that ‘best’ looks like).
You are likely to be more compassionate
The ADHD partner is less likely to feel attacked, dismissed or unloved and, therefore, more likely to engage with creating change

Do you or your partner think the ADHD partner is a problem that needs to be fixed? If so, I urge you to create a new story that will better support your growth.

HIGHLIGHT:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - We're thrilled that people are getting a lot out of Intent to Action. You can still get one of the last spots for the lifetime rate of $124/month if you Join us soon!

Resources For Those in Relationships Impacted by ADHD

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!

Foundations in Habit Development - (Registration Open) - Starts June 4th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.