Sometimes when I work with couples, I notice a distinct power struggle going on.  It often shows up when one or both partners feel “You (my partner) must do X because that is what I/we need to be happy.”  That’s another way of saying ‘you need to do X because it’s the right thing to do.”  Sadly, this thinking, while common, does not acknowledge the free will of the other partner.  In a healthy relationship you can request a change that will please you, but you cannot define it nor demand it…no matter how important that change feels to you.

Stop for 30 seconds, close your eyes, and think of all of the things you feel your partner must change in order for the relationship to be successful.

Thanks for doing that.  Now…let’s talk about boundaries.  Because as desperate as you might feel about how your partner doesn’t follow through consistently, or how frustrated your partner often is with you, it isn’t about telling your partner to do what you think is right.  Because only they get to define what is right for them.

What changes am I suggesting you make here?  First, talk about what you, yourself desire.  Stay focused on you rather than telling your partner what to do (even if they ask you to!).  Second, if you wish your partner to act in a certain way, ask if they might be willing to do so rather than telling them they must (thus recognizing their agency.  They don’t have to do anything for you if they don’t wish to). Third, call out power struggles when you see them so the two of you can figure out if the struggle is the result of one or both of you stepping outside your own boundaries.  That may provide you insight into how you might recover from the misstep.

Do either of you tell the other what is right for that other partner?

SEMINARS, GROUPS:

ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? My premier, highly acclaimed 9-session zoom seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next LIVE seminar will start in Fall 2024. 

Non ADHD Partner Support Group and ADHD New Habit Coaching Group - Be part of a community exploring similar issues, successes and struggles and find new, effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

New: ADHD & Marriage Professional Training Program - an integrated team of experts dedicated to supporting the needs of couples and adults impacted by ADHD.  

FREE RESOURCES:

How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD; 

Downloadable chapters of my books;

A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

A large number of blog posts on various topics;

Referrals

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ADULT ADHD CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life! 

Question? Contact Melissa.