Someone You Don’t Like

I remember quite distinctly sitting down with my husband one day and saying, “I have to say that I don’t really like you right now…and I don’t like myself much, either.”  He replied, “That’s interesting, because I don’t like you much, either, nor myself.”

This is what can happen when your relationship becomes really distorted in your fights around ADHD and responses to ADHD.  I had become a person who was critical, contemptuous, angry and frustrated.  My husband had become defiant, angry, mean and rude.  Our relationship was a mess.

I read Nierenberg’s quote and it looks like blame – the other person is messing with your head and you become someone you don’t like.  But in our situation (and others I’ve seen) it’s about both partners and how they interact.  The solution to the issue is to:

1. Name it and acknowledge it

2. Take responsibility for fixing your side of the problem

3. Replace the poor behaviors with those that more accurately reflect your own positive values and bring you more in line with your best self

It’s not about blame.  It’s about taking responsibility.  For me, that meant addressing the core issues at my own frustration and how I was expressing my very real pain and anger.  I had to learn to be much more constructive and stop parenting.

For my husband it meant he had to take managing his ADHD much more seriously, so there was greater stability in our relationship and so that he wasn’t as prone to fast, destructive rages.

Both people have to contribute to the solution, else nothing changes.  But once you do, you’ll find that you can once again become someone of whom you are proud…and whom you like.

Are you and your partner ready for this shift?

My latest article in Psychology Today, Managing Political and COVID Stress Near the Election. It's going to be a rough few weeks, filled with anxiety.

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