Unresolved Spats

Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.  Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done.  This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”

- John Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

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Think about the arguments you and your partner have had in the last two weeks.  How many of them are spats you’ve had before?  Most, I bet.  Some research suggests that about 70% of fights are unresolvable for just the reasons that Gottman suggests – they result from legitimate and lasting differences between you.

Instead of fighting, think of yourselves as negotiating a “work around.”  Assume your differences of opinions will last – if that's the case, what do you do right now so that you can move on with your lives?  Given the figures, creating work arounds is how you’ll “resolve” your differences most of the time.

So, thinking about the last two weeks – is there an ongoing fight that might benefit from negotiating a work around?

© 2013 Melissa Orlov