Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“She’s got gaps.  I got gaps.  Together we fill gaps”.

- Rocky Balboa

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Do you dream of the perfect spouse?  If so, have you ever taken the time to think about whether you yourself are a “perfect spouse”?  What I often see, particularly when couples first come to work with me, is that each wishes the other would change, while forgiving their own short-comings because they understand them.  A typical example is the nagging, critical wife who wants her husband to be less angry or more reliable.  Or the ADHD partner who thinks not contributing around the house is "just the way it is."

Instead of demanding change of just your partner, assume that you both have reasons to be the way that you are – you both have “gaps” and issues – and both need to change.  Then, work to understand those reasons (use learning conversations).  The process looks something like this:
1.    Assume there is a reason – biological or emotional – for your partner’s behavior, just like there are reasons for your own.
2.    Target one or two important issues for you, and find out what your partner’s opinions are about those issues, using learning conversations (stay open – just because it’s not ‘logical’ to you doesn’t mean it’s not logical to your partner)  Respect what your partner says and take it seriously.  Don’t just brush it off because it doesn’t fit your needs or view.
3.    Determine whether there is middle ground and you can come to a compromise on the issue or whether you will never be able to compromise on it, in which case you need to create a “work around” (some suggest that about 80% of the big issues couples face are unresolvable).
4.    Create a plan, and act accordingly.

We all have gaps.  Accommodating someone in reasonable ways creates a stronger relationship than “fixing” their problems.  (And note – that DOES NOT mean ‘giving in’ on things that are important to you!)

MY NEXT SESSION OF THE ADHD EFFECT COUPLES COURSE STARTS ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO THIS LINK.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov