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No! It is not worth it! Every problem you are seeing right now is real and will most likely be magnified 10 times if you marry. My ADHD guy never cared about hearing my stories, my events, anything about my life. He was at least polite about it -- just ignored me when I spoke.
However, if your dream is to be an unpaid, unappreciated personal assistant to a self-centered man who will probably never see or appreciate or acknowledge your efforts -- one who disappears and appears at his own whims, it sounds like-- go for it! He will certainly be the man of your dreams. Sounds like he may have a touch of Aspergers too (and there's no real treatment). Our therapist once asked me, "Does he just go on and on about himself?" Yup! Another one had both of us ask each other questions in his office about each other -- after I asked mine, my ex just looked at him and shook his head -- No, he didn't have any questions. He couldn't have cared less about who I really was!
If this guy is claiming to be this much in love with you without spending much time face-to-face time together, rest assured he is in love with an image he has created and he is merely trying to fit you into it. It sounds like he is self-medicating by spending his time day-dreaming about "you," hence the hyperfocus. When you don't fit the image, however, the anger and manipulation will begin! Believe me, he'll do everything he can to force you into being that image, not the real person you are. Don't do it -- leave while you are mentally intact.
Some questions to ask yourself: At this stage in the relationship, does the relationship more often make me feel good? Or make me feel bad? If the things that are bothering me never go away, is that something I can live with or ignore successfully? (my guy doesn't like dancing -- bummer, but not a deal breaker. And 36 years later he still doesn't like dancing. See what I mean?) Does my intuition tell me to trust this man? (or your gut if you call it that). Do I feel excited and happy about the future at this point in my relationship with this man? Do I think these are just small "quirks" that everyone, including me, has and I am already learning to live with them? There's no need to make a decision about how/whether you can love and live with an ADD man...just whether you can do that with this man.
Thank you! If you asked me this a week ago, I would definitely say yes, he is what I want, the relationship makes me feel good. But given the new episode of social isolation, I'm not sure about it. He knows I feel this way and doesn't do anything to change it. I'm trying to learn and adapt my style to his but he seems to ignore my need of feeling wanted. And if we talk about a long term commitment, if he doesn't make an effort to make me happy, I won't do it either because if it's like this now, how will it be 10 years from now? I don't know... I'll wait and see if he shows up today. If he doesn't, I guess I'll have to move on, sadly... Thank you!
Online relationship, it's hard to really know a person. Frankly I see red flags here, "not wanting to video chat" "disappearing." Are you sure he's not married or in a relationship? Be careful. I destroyed my marriage by getting "involved" with someone online. I didn't want to "be" with this person, it was just for my ego. I hid this from my wife and had to "disappear" sometimes. Good luck.
I was thinking that also -- that it appeared he might be married. My ex (I was wife #4) told me he had never been in a position where he had to grieve over a failed relationship -- he always had someone else on the string before he left (or they left him)! Saw a movie where the guy put it very well, explaining why he had cheated on a lady he seemed to love.... "Women LEAVE me. So I always have a backup or two ready for when it happens." Ugh! Don't take the bait! You'll loose every shred of self-esteem you ever had! (You know, he may go to THEIR homes -- may not want the involvement of bringing pesky women to HIS home...)
Ha -- another possibility. When our relationship was in the throes of death, we communicated only by computer. He had hit me and was abusive when we spoke in person, so we tried resorting to communications by writing. That way he had time to go over what he said and edit it so it didn't make him sound bad. ADHDers have trouble with blurting out things that can be quite revealing or obnoxious. Sad, but this isn't what you want in a marriage, believe me.
I wouldn't, that's for sure. And this is because I had a long-term relationship before him and we were engaged and planning our wedding when I found out he was already married and had 2 kids. It broke my heart, my self-esteem, my world. So I'm the first one to suspect it if the situation appears so, but in his case I know he isn't because as I said, we talk and send pictures and videos 24/7. He is just... so different. And I feel like everything I learned from my past relationship is bogus and nothing fits in his case. It's like I have to begin from 0 and I'm not even sure it will work. Because if I had it sure, I would. But now I don't think it will work at all and every hour that passes without any news from him pushes me further away from him...
So you did the computer thing too? Oh... so this is why he doesn't want to speak, he keeps his ideas together better in written? I sure hope he isn't aggressive... He says he isn't and never harmed anyone. But right now all of this is so confusing...
Thank you for the advice, I will stay focused on it just in case.
After he hit me, we separated for 8 months while he went to counseling and anger management. That was when we did most of the computer talking. We did Skype, but tried to keep it light and saved the real discussions for writing on the computer. Everything began to look good "on paper" and I went back. But I really wanted us to be a team. I wanted to chit chat and have fun talking about our lives, our dreams, our plans, our pasts, what we learned from life, etc. Forget it. When I expressed to therapist how I just wanted us to be ON THE SAME TEAM, not be seen as the adversary, she looked at me and said, "But he's not a team player." Hmmm. That statement was an eye opener. If I couldn't have the "best friend" in a mate, who needs demanding sex, constant criticism, lying, even money (believe it or not!).
Wise, wise words from both Lynnie and Gardener. Listen carefully to them.
I have had a similar situation, different way of playing out, but still similar. My "friend" has been calling me for THREE YEARS, and yet in the last year cannot seem to fit time into his life to actually spend any time in my presence. Always some excuse. But calls regularly.
Exact same thing, when I begin to talk about me, it's: "Ooops, gotta go/do/see . . . " whatever! He also would say things during our "conversations" (always about him) that let me know he had heard me. This kept me hooked for a long time "Oh, he must care." Guess what, he doesn't.
Hearing and listening are two different things, believe me. He was not interested in listening.
Lynnie is absolutely right about you being a fantasy for him. He has hyperfocused on you for some reason, but it really isn't you, it is his FANTASY. I have just woken up to this fact and finally given my friend the boot. It feels good! It feels empowering!
I don't know about you, but I want to be with someone who loves the REAL me.
Answer those questions that Gardener has posed and then do like Lynnie says, Run, Girl!
Not to high jack this thread, but Gardener I had to chime in because of your Dancing Example. My DW has said since the beginning that if I liked to dance that I would be the "Perfect" man. How funny... I have danced with her (Slow mostly), because I don't feel As Much Like looking like an awkward fool out on the floor. I can't dance because I just can't take the thought of putting myself out there to be ridiculed for what I know I can't do in the first place. Even with all the self esteem improvement in the past couple of years, this is still something I cannot do, except slow dancing in moderation. I wish I could get past the mental block...
Thanks, best-is-yet-to-be and Gardener for the support ;) I have tried to do this over the years and it is just something I can't get through. It is SO FAR out of my comfort zone and goes back to serious anxieties from as far back as junior high. Even with the confidence I have gained in real time communication, I still fight my social anxiety big time... Dancing is Worse in these situations because Everyone knows me well and know I don't dance. I know it's a weak excuse, but the anxiety is oppressive. Like I said, in wedding situations (Which I dread) I will do a slow dance or two, but these events are also usually late in the evening which does not help either. You might be right about a class, because I would not know anyone... I will think on this for a while ;)
Maybe you have found the answer to your dilemma! Have you thought of ballroom dancing lessons with your beautiful wife? What a way to re-connect (with a lofty goal in mind, of course!).
Do you have any big event coming up soon i.e. a wedding, an anniversary-- all great excuses to learn to dance. A real confidence booster for you, too. Muster all the courage you have and give it a go.
If she is not willing, try it on your own and surprise her! Many a man has done it, with the DESIRED results!
Not worth it
Submitted by lynnie70 on
No! It is not worth it! Every problem you are seeing right now is real and will most likely be magnified 10 times if you marry. My ADHD guy never cared about hearing my stories, my events, anything about my life. He was at least polite about it -- just ignored me when I spoke.
However, if your dream is to be an unpaid, unappreciated personal assistant to a self-centered man who will probably never see or appreciate or acknowledge your efforts -- one who disappears and appears at his own whims, it sounds like-- go for it! He will certainly be the man of your dreams. Sounds like he may have a touch of Aspergers too (and there's no real treatment). Our therapist once asked me, "Does he just go on and on about himself?" Yup! Another one had both of us ask each other questions in his office about each other -- after I asked mine, my ex just looked at him and shook his head -- No, he didn't have any questions. He couldn't have cared less about who I really was!
If this guy is claiming to be this much in love with you without spending much time face-to-face time together, rest assured he is in love with an image he has created and he is merely trying to fit you into it. It sounds like he is self-medicating by spending his time day-dreaming about "you," hence the hyperfocus. When you don't fit the image, however, the anger and manipulation will begin! Believe me, he'll do everything he can to force you into being that image, not the real person you are. Don't do it -- leave while you are mentally intact.
Oh my God... I guess you're
Submitted by Dirty_Dancing on
deleting everything, he is looking at this and i don't want him to see all i said.
Thank you, Lynnie. I appreciate it a lot!
Questions to ask yourself
Submitted by gardener447 on
Some questions to ask yourself: At this stage in the relationship, does the relationship more often make me feel good? Or make me feel bad? If the things that are bothering me never go away, is that something I can live with or ignore successfully? (my guy doesn't like dancing -- bummer, but not a deal breaker. And 36 years later he still doesn't like dancing. See what I mean?) Does my intuition tell me to trust this man? (or your gut if you call it that). Do I feel excited and happy about the future at this point in my relationship with this man? Do I think these are just small "quirks" that everyone, including me, has and I am already learning to live with them? There's no need to make a decision about how/whether you can love and live with an ADD man...just whether you can do that with this man.
Best wishes.
Thank you! If you asked me
Submitted by Dirty_Dancing on
Thank you! If you asked me this a week ago, I would definitely say yes, he is what I want, the relationship makes me feel good. But given the new episode of social isolation, I'm not sure about it. He knows I feel this way and doesn't do anything to change it. I'm trying to learn and adapt my style to his but he seems to ignore my need of feeling wanted. And if we talk about a long term commitment, if he doesn't make an effort to make me happy, I won't do it either because if it's like this now, how will it be 10 years from now? I don't know... I'll wait and see if he shows up today. If he doesn't, I guess I'll have to move on, sadly... Thank you!
Online relationship, it's
Submitted by Mannym on
Online relationship, it's hard to really know a person. Frankly I see red flags here, "not wanting to video chat" "disappearing." Are you sure he's not married or in a relationship? Be careful. I destroyed my marriage by getting "involved" with someone online. I didn't want to "be" with this person, it was just for my ego. I hid this from my wife and had to "disappear" sometimes. Good luck.
I'm sure he isn't because he
Submitted by Dirty_Dancing on
deleting everything, he is looking at this and i don't want him to see all i said. thank you for everything
Disappearing
Submitted by lynnie70 on
I was thinking that also -- that it appeared he might be married. My ex (I was wife #4) told me he had never been in a position where he had to grieve over a failed relationship -- he always had someone else on the string before he left (or they left him)! Saw a movie where the guy put it very well, explaining why he had cheated on a lady he seemed to love.... "Women LEAVE me. So I always have a backup or two ready for when it happens." Ugh! Don't take the bait! You'll loose every shred of self-esteem you ever had! (You know, he may go to THEIR homes -- may not want the involvement of bringing pesky women to HIS home...)
Ha -- another possibility. When our relationship was in the throes of death, we communicated only by computer. He had hit me and was abusive when we spoke in person, so we tried resorting to communications by writing. That way he had time to go over what he said and edit it so it didn't make him sound bad. ADHDers have trouble with blurting out things that can be quite revealing or obnoxious. Sad, but this isn't what you want in a marriage, believe me.
I wouldn't, that's for sure.
Submitted by Dirty_Dancing on
I wouldn't, that's for sure. And this is because I had a long-term relationship before him and we were engaged and planning our wedding when I found out he was already married and had 2 kids. It broke my heart, my self-esteem, my world. So I'm the first one to suspect it if the situation appears so, but in his case I know he isn't because as I said, we talk and send pictures and videos 24/7. He is just... so different. And I feel like everything I learned from my past relationship is bogus and nothing fits in his case. It's like I have to begin from 0 and I'm not even sure it will work. Because if I had it sure, I would. But now I don't think it will work at all and every hour that passes without any news from him pushes me further away from him...
So you did the computer thing too? Oh... so this is why he doesn't want to speak, he keeps his ideas together better in written? I sure hope he isn't aggressive... He says he isn't and never harmed anyone. But right now all of this is so confusing...
Thank you for the advice, I will stay focused on it just in case.
Computer thing
Submitted by lynnie70 on
After he hit me, we separated for 8 months while he went to counseling and anger management. That was when we did most of the computer talking. We did Skype, but tried to keep it light and saved the real discussions for writing on the computer. Everything began to look good "on paper" and I went back. But I really wanted us to be a team. I wanted to chit chat and have fun talking about our lives, our dreams, our plans, our pasts, what we learned from life, etc. Forget it. When I expressed to therapist how I just wanted us to be ON THE SAME TEAM, not be seen as the adversary, she looked at me and said, "But he's not a team player." Hmmm. That statement was an eye opener. If I couldn't have the "best friend" in a mate, who needs demanding sex, constant criticism, lying, even money (believe it or not!).
Yeah... I'm afraid this is
Submitted by Dirty_Dancing on
Yeah... I'm afraid this is his case too...
deleting everything, he is looking at this and i don't want him to see all i said. thank you for everything
To Dirty_Dancing
Submitted by best-is-yet-to-be on
Wise, wise words from both Lynnie and Gardener. Listen carefully to them.
I have had a similar situation, different way of playing out, but still similar. My "friend" has been calling me for THREE YEARS, and yet in the last year cannot seem to fit time into his life to actually spend any time in my presence. Always some excuse. But calls regularly.
Exact same thing, when I begin to talk about me, it's: "Ooops, gotta go/do/see . . . " whatever! He also would say things during our "conversations" (always about him) that let me know he had heard me. This kept me hooked for a long time "Oh, he must care." Guess what, he doesn't.
Hearing and listening are two different things, believe me. He was not interested in listening.
Lynnie is absolutely right about you being a fantasy for him. He has hyperfocused on you for some reason, but it really isn't you, it is his FANTASY. I have just woken up to this fact and finally given my friend the boot. It feels good! It feels empowering!
I don't know about you, but I want to be with someone who loves the REAL me.
Answer those questions that Gardener has posed and then do like Lynnie says, Run, Girl!
As I read your posts over and
Submitted by Dirty_Dancing on
As I read your posts over and over again, I feel more trapped into some sort of illusion.
deleting everything, he is looking at this and i don't want him to see all i said. thank you for everything
Dancing...
Submitted by YYZ on
Not to high jack this thread, but Gardener I had to chime in because of your Dancing Example. My DW has said since the beginning that if I liked to dance that I would be the "Perfect" man. How funny... I have danced with her (Slow mostly), because I don't feel As Much Like looking like an awkward fool out on the floor. I can't dance because I just can't take the thought of putting myself out there to be ridiculed for what I know I can't do in the first place. Even with all the self esteem improvement in the past couple of years, this is still something I cannot do, except slow dancing in moderation. I wish I could get past the mental block...
trust me
Submitted by gardener447 on
nobody is watching you, except with envy for having the guts and for holding a good looking woman. ;)
Dancing...
Submitted by YYZ on
Thanks, best-is-yet-to-be and Gardener for the support ;) I have tried to do this over the years and it is just something I can't get through. It is SO FAR out of my comfort zone and goes back to serious anxieties from as far back as junior high. Even with the confidence I have gained in real time communication, I still fight my social anxiety big time... Dancing is Worse in these situations because Everyone knows me well and know I don't dance. I know it's a weak excuse, but the anxiety is oppressive. Like I said, in wedding situations (Which I dread) I will do a slow dance or two, but these events are also usually late in the evening which does not help either. You might be right about a class, because I would not know anyone... I will think on this for a while ;)
Thanks, ladies ;)
Dancing lessons?
Submitted by best-is-yet-to-be on
YYZ,
Maybe you have found the answer to your dilemma! Have you thought of ballroom dancing lessons with your beautiful wife? What a way to re-connect (with a lofty goal in mind, of course!).
Do you have any big event coming up soon i.e. a wedding, an anniversary-- all great excuses to learn to dance. A real confidence booster for you, too. Muster all the courage you have and give it a go.
If she is not willing, try it on your own and surprise her! Many a man has done it, with the DESIRED results!