Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“Well done is better than well said”

- Carlsberg Brewery T-Shirt

ADHD Marriage blog and forum

Dr. Hallowell's website

Sign up for these weekly marriage tips and other announcements related to ADHD & Marriage

There is often a disconnect between intentions and actions – in all couples, but particularly in couples with an ADHD partner who has recently been diagnosed and started using medication.  That partner may experience a new calm and focus that is new and delightful – he or she sees a huge difference in how their brain works and feels, yet their partner is not privy to this improvement.  The result is a disconnect in which the ADHD partner feels things are much better, while the spouse feels left out of the progress.

Things are better for one partner…but the rubber hits the road in relationships when what’s going on inside the head of the ADHD partner is translated into action.  So my advice is this – pick a meaningful activity (A chore?  Spending more time together?  Getting organized?) then apply the newly found “inside the head” focus to creating an “outside the head” result and measure your success.  For example, if you decide to spend more time together, you might decide to share every Saturday afternoon from 2-4pm with each other, doing something new.  Write it in the calendar.  Set an audible reminder on your cell phone.  Don’t schedule other things at the same time.  Go have fun.  After a few weeks, measure your success.  Did you spend the time together every Saturday afternoon or not?  If your answer is anything but “yes” figure out what got in your way and change your plan about how to spend time together accordingly.  It is at this point that the non-ADHD partner reaps the benefit of the improved focus…not before.

In marriage, well done is truly better than well said.

© 2012 Melissa Orlov