Heart to Heart

Tips for Thriving in your Marriage

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

- Maya Angelou

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It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account.It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account. It’s been a number of years since my husband and I almost divorced.  What I remember most from that time, now, is how I felt.  Alone.  Angry.  Hurt.  Bitter.  These feelings (and years of struggle) led me to behave in ways that made my husband feel as badly as I did.  I also remember that one of the biggest breakthroughs in our recovery came when I finally realized that I could no longer feel good about making my husband feel awful.  That I needed to behave in a way that made me feel proud of myself.  Though I continued to express what I needed, I no longer nagged or yelled or belittled him.  In other words, I decided it was no longer okay to make him feel bad.

He noticed.  And, finally, he started listening to me about what I needed and wanted.

I think that Angelou is talking about just this type of experience – we are all responsible for behaving in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves, and does not make those we love more distressed.  You don’t need to give up asking for what you want – only ask for it in a way that takes the feelings of those you love into account.______________________________________________________________________________________

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