We've only been together 5 months but it feels like alot longer. And already most of the threads on this site are sickeningly familiar. I'm very tired, have had a couple of drinks, and don't really know how to word it all. I already feel like I'm being sucked out of myself. Shouldn't we still be in the honeymoon phase?
All I can see from the posts on the site are that what I would have ahead of me if I stay in this is misery, continued bad patches, continued uncertainty as to how he actually feels about me, continued uncertainty about life in general, continuing to be a parent-figure in what should be a partnership, continued half-truths, potential for cheating, and a lifetime of a stress with those occasional glimpses of what we could be, could have been. And yet of course i'm crazy about him. He's got so many amazing qualities about him. He can be so full of life, he can be so caring, so loving, so generous (of course to anyone but me, now i'm not the attention of his focus) and this could work so well - as he's commented himself, between us, we make one amazingly awesome person.
We've been living together for a couple of months now. Not exactly a romantic move-in - he'd had a row with his granparents (who he lived with) & his friend and came over and never left. Apparently I saved his life that night. Although that strength of feeling appears to have been forgotten these days. I'm currently in bed with the two dogs (his 1 year-old dog and a puppy that is amazingly cute but that he decided I was getting) while he's passed out on the sofa. He's not even drunk as much (which of course i've paid for because compared to him i'm the responsible adult that holds down a job) as much as it usually takes for him to zonk out. Trouble is, it's not just ADD, although i'm fairly sure it's the main factor. Narcissim / BPD, messed up family past, history of drug-abuse are all involved.
In this grand total of 5 months i've dealt with 2 flip-outs, one account of 'things just happening to him' (naturally a couple of weeks after i'd become emotionally invested), god knows how many depressive days (oh yes, i'm mildly bi-polar and have the attention span of a gnat, so i do have a vague inkling of head-f**ks), disrespectful chat on facebook with the inevitable explanations that just don't seem to add up, a lie about something that happened before we even met, and of course that wonderful lack of accountability. Oh and of course covering everything on my admin salary because the job he had when we got together 'just didn't last'. Oh and the promises to go to the doctor. Of course.
I guess this is part rant, part 'is this really what i've got to look forward to for the rest of my life?', part (to quote the clash) do i stay or do i go now?' and part, just, i don't know. I love him so much and we've got so many plans. Maybe I'm just an idiot for getting involved so fast. I'm certainly feeling more like an idiot than the confident, bubbly girl i was before. I'm not really big on the online posting thing so i'm not even really sure what i'm doing here. Maybe i'll have more of an idea in the morning. I've been browsing these forums for a couple of months so I hope so.
Wow!
Submitted by CallyP on
Geesh! That's a lot to deal with. Wren, I'm sorry that you are going through this. You are not an idiot! Why? Just because you are trying to love someone who obviously needs more help than you can give? Unfortunately, there are issues that he has that are more detrimental than ADHD (i.e. drug, and alcohol abuse) Are you okay with all of this??? Just trying to understand why someone who does not live this lifestyle, would be okay with someone who does? I have to say that 5 months into a relationship and you are already seeing problems of this magnitude, RUN!!! It is a bit early to be planning a future. He went from his grandparents home to yours? It's almost as if he's forcing/guilting you into a more serious scenario than you guys are ready for, without giving you an opportunity to think about it. Who just comes over and never leaves?
Marriage and raising a family is not easy. After the wedding planning, the wedding and the honeymoon....things get REAL, very fast. Just think, if your boyfriend is behaving this badly now, it will only get much worse. Imagine that! He sounds as if he is taking advantage of your kindness and has little regard for your feelings. That is not a strong foundation to build upon. No one is perfect, but there should be a standard of what you expect in a relationship and are willing to deal with.
I believe that you are in a better position than many of us on this site, because you are aware of the fact that ADHD may be playing a part in what you are experiencing. Like many, I wish that I knew about it before I got married. I definitely would have weighed my options. My husband was the textbook "Mr. Hyper-focus". Throughout our courtship and the first few years of marriage, we were in bliss. He was perfect! So considerate. Said and did all of the right things. We NEVER argued. He was my best friend. After our daughter was born, he detached. Just couldn't seem to get into the swing of this new life, being a parent. That's when I started asking "what is going on with him?". It went downhill from there. I started doing the research, read the books and lucked upon this site. I too read the blogs and forums, until I finally got the nerve to share. I couldn't believe that so many men and women were living the exact same life, the same experiences, etc. There are days when I feel like I'm so over it, but then I have to remind myself that I have a child who depends on me. I share with a relative or friend (or this forum) and then work on getting myself together. Just getting your thoughts and emotions out of your head is very therapeutic.
If you were bubbly and confident before, do whatever you need to do to get back to that place. Take care of yourself and things will become a lot clearer. Don't let thoughts of "what could be" cloud "what it really is".
Good Luck!
Too many problems
Submitted by Kaliko on
"Narcissim / BPD, messed up family past, history of drug-abuse are all involved."
Okay, I am honestly a little scared for you, reading this - especially since you would need to get him out of *your* place. BPD (or NPD) on top of everything else? Oh HELL no. This... I usually don't make statements without a lot of caveats, but you know this already - these people are master manipulators. One of the fundamental traits of that spectrum of personality disorders is that they lack empathy. I guess the question is, knowing that your partner is literally incapable of considering your thoughts and feelings as equal to his own, is this the person you want to make a life with? Yes, some of them can get much better with therapy - the rare ones who commit to the treatment long-term - but you can't count on it. It's natural to fall for them quickly and hard, because they do have some awesome traits (and facades), but he's revealing his true colors so soon, and... it's not good. I know you have to be a sweet, thoughtful, empathetic, devoted person - because only people like that can tolerate them. That's why they target you. You say you have plans, and I'm sure they're wonderful plans. They will not happen with this person. And when things fall through or fall apart, he will blame you for them.
I don't know, though - you're lucky enough to be aware of the psychological issues, so at least you're not in much risk of starting to believe the lies or thinking you're going crazy. But I would think long and hard before continuing a relationship that I knew for a fact was going to be high-conflict. Plus, the longer you're with him, the more ammo he has to emotionally assault you with during the breakup. Whatever you choose to do, please be safe.
Be Strong!
Submitted by c ur self on
Read your own post and give the advise you seek to yourself, like you we're your best friend...You saved his life by letting him move in? He never left? He was living off of others? Many of our spouses are wonderful, w/big plans too...Get a head count from us of how many of us have actually seen responsible adult behavior and sweat (other than our own) to make the plans a reality...This may sound harsh, but I will give you the advise I wish I had gotten...It's not that I don't love my wife I do, and I'm committed. But you are not married yet, and I suggest you pray and think hard about it...The story about the dogs...I bet you will take care of them the rest of your life....Guess who feeds the dog and cat my wife brought into the marriage? Here is a test for you....Pretend you have decided that you want time away from him to decide about your life....OK...So you tell him just that...Now, Is he a responsible adult man who respects you and has a sound mind who can handle this, no problem? Or do you instantly have fears and guilt like you we're putting your child on the street....This test will give you in-site for your decision..Blessing!
You're Staying...Why?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
So let me see if I understand what you have written. You are living with a man who:
Please explain to me why you think this person would be a good LIFE partner? Do you see ANY indication, whatsoever, that he will help you create a stable life and make you happy? Either you are misrepresenting him in your description or you have signed up for some long-term misery.
This isn't about ADHD at all. This is about you accepting something that is far less than you deserve. Move on. Love alone is not enough to create a healthy relationship.
I know you love him but what
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
I know you love him but what I have learned is that love is not enough. It's not enough to love someone and not be loved and respected in return. What are you getting out of this? It sounds like you're invested in a fantasy -- and I don't mean that disrespectfully because I certainly was, too. Now I'm married to the guy for almost 7 years and my life's fallen apart. please don't let this happen to you. You're right at the beginning and you can still get out.
There's a line in a Silverchair song that sums it up I think when it comes to love, because so many of us are good, kind and loving people who want to fix and nurture and heal others but some of those others don't want or can't love us:
"I love the way you love, but I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back."
That's from "Miss You Love" in case you want to hear it.