Being alone even though you're together. Having a partner but having to do the lion's share.
Being on the receiving end of bursts of temper that you remember, but he doesn't.
Being blamed in an instant for everything...everything.
Being the dumping ground for all of his negative experiences. Not even being asked how your day was. He feels better, you feel worse.
Feeling guilty about intimacy issues, but it's because you feel like a parent to him.
Feeling like you're going crazy or suffering from dementia because the way you remember things always seems to be wrong.
In the end, being left for someone new and exciting because he says "you make me feel bad about myself," and "why did you push me away?" and "nothing I do ever makes you happy."
Anyone else out there dealing with crushing low-self esteem and depression from living in an untreated ADHD relationship? Any tips to feeling better and rediscovering yourself?
My self-esteem goes up and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My self-esteem goes up and down (in rational moments, I realize that I've done a super job of surviving being ditched by my husband and having to take on the lion's share of tasks and responsibility to support our family) but I'm definitely depressed. Have been for years now. It gets harder and harder to get myself out of the wells of despair.
Your own reality
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
thisistheend,
I have great empathy for your position.
One of my weird observations in our relationship - My spouse will walk in the door, say "How was your day?", but most times not give me a change to respond before he goes on telling me something. He has actually cut me off mid sentence by starting to talk right over me.
It is very odd how he understood the dynamics of 'asking your spouse about their day.'
It is truly sad, because I hear him say, "I always ask my spouse how her day was." Yep he does.
It takes work to hang on to my own self-esteem. I remind myself often, "It is NOT all me, and it is NOT all him. It is NOT ALL ME."
After a huge disagreement two days ago, my spouse stormed out the door and stayed outside - all night - working in the yard. It is cold here in Ohio. The next day he said, "I am going to talk to a pastor tomorrow evening. When I get home I will let you know if I am going to go or stay." He came home and said, "He told me we need marriage counseling."
LOL!! We sorta are in marriage counseling. We had things EACH of us needed to work on before the counselor would be able to help us. It has been over a year now. I am working on my list. It appears my spouse is searching out a different counselor.
Hopefully this will help
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
Hi thisistheend,
I am in a similar situation in that my bf says exactly those things to me (and he has untreated ADHD): I make him feel like he's never good enough, and nothing he does makes me happy for a long enough period of time. He raises the level of drama with statements like that when we argue, so I am often left wondering if this will be the time he decides it's all my fault and it's over. It's a very unhealthy way to argue; he can't tolerate my feelings (I never express them correctly or at the right time apparently), and when he is feeling badly about himself already, he puts his low self-esteem in my mouth and tries to prove/accuse me of saying things I never said. I'm not sure why he thinks it's okay to curse at me and make me feel bad while he is accusing me of making him feel bad. Then he doesn't want to talk to me after he has let it all out.
Since he gets so down on himself and me, I am of course left to try to pick up my own self-esteem. I am a convenient target for all of his negativity about himself that he doesn't admit to himself that he feels. He has taken to bringing up the past and not letting things go, and then blames the "relationship," as if it functions without us. He does not take responsibility for his part in escalating our arguments. Yesterday we got into a silly argument--I showed him an inexpensive necklace I was thinking of buying, and he insulted it, just like he has insulted a lot of things that I like lately. I said something like I don't even know what he would like on me because he has hardly bought me anything in our 3-year relationship (I didn't think before I said that, and I see why that wasn't okay). He got so mad and kept going on and on until it sounded like he wanted to break up with me for making him feel inadequate. He tells me I should think before I speak about how my feelings will make him feel.
Anyway, I apologized multiple times and tried to cheer him up. Instead of meeting for plans we had made, he said he would rather "lay here and do nothing," and when I asked why he said he wanted to "just be" "here in the dark." Okay. He didn't apologize for how he talked to me either. I am generally very supportive of him and his biggest cheerleader, so for him to cast our whole relationship in a bad light because of one dumb conversation is so hurtful and disproportionate. He was supposed to hear about a job that he interviewed for on Monday and still hadn't heard, so he was deeper into his funk than usual.
I have been through this cycle with him so many times. When the dust settles after an argument, I remember that I am a good person who tries to be caring and honest. Sometimes I think his low self-esteem keeps him from being able to appreciate me (which would make sense, if he doesn't appreciate himself). But I deserve some benefit of the doubt, that if I misspeak, it does not represent some huge negative generalization about his character. His emotions are volatile and he has trouble coping with his situation (living at home, not having a job, his family constantly criticizing him, etc.). I start to feel better when I remember that people at least have to meet halfway for a relationship to work. I try to put my energy into myself and what I need to do. I can accept that his feelings are hurt, but I don't have to accept everything that he is trying to pile onto me. We both say things out of frustration and stress, but when I do he blows it up and doesn't cut me any slack. He seems to think that the sign of a successful relationship is me never expressing a negative feeling. I try to see the distinction between where I messed up and where his negative, overwhelmed feelings take over. I try to calm down and I don't keep arguing about what is my fault and what is his. He needs to have perspective. When I leave him alone for a bit, he seems to realize that I am not the source of his unhappiness. I also remember that during these exchanges where he accuses me of making him feel bad, he is stomping all over my happiness. He could express his feelings more maturely too. So as much as your partner may try to use your feelings as a reason for all of his bad ones, it is probably overreaching.
being able to express things
Submitted by dedelight4 on
He seems to think that the sign of a successful relationship is me never expressing a negative feeling."..............I can TOTALLY relate to this statement, as well as the rest of your post. My ADHD husband does the same. He really hates it when I need to talk about a particular way I am feeling. The past few years, I've learned NOT to say anything about myself, ESPECIALLY anything that deals with my emotions where I might need support or his understanding. The "deepest" issues are the ones where I don't understand where HIS head is at, and I VERY MUCH need clarification, but it's like we are speaking different languages. So, instead of me being "heard" and/or me coming to a better understanding of what he is trying to tell me,.....the subjects get "dropped" and the understanding doesn't happen. I just end up stuffing all the frustration and miscommunication and leave it at that. In other words......I have to carry the load. It's a VERY LONELY place to be and a very hard burden to carry.
I too, like you, would love to have even a little of the understanding that I give to my husband. (patience....especially) He has NO IDEA how much I've had to adjust my life for him, and after 31 years, I doubt he'll know now. As long as I stay calm, don't argue, don't say what I truly feel, don't disagree.................only tell him things when "he's ready to hear them" (his words).......then he's okay with that. Why doesn't HE do the same for me? Just STOP saying stinging things, or watch what he says and do the same in return? It is very hard to understand and get it through my head that he just doesn't THINK like that. Why can he think through OTHER THINGS but not RELATIONSHIP issues? What's weird, is that he will discuss rational relationship issues about OTHER PEOPLE.....but NOT US.
can definitely relate to everyone here
Submitted by robz on
Reading these last few posts it fells like I am writing them about my own marriage. The whole 'being negative' thing is really relevant especially as of late. We are in a really rough place right now and this happens from time to time. If I bring up any of my feelings about our situation he turns it around on me that I don't listen to him or I'm just being negative. When he is the one that lashed out and told me he was done and going to leave. That everything wrong in our relationship is all my fault, that I don't do this or that, that he is unhappy.
This is really one of the worst 'episodes' we have had. It has lasted longer and he really seems different. He has started to try and get healthier (he used to eat very poorly and drink a ton of pop), and he is really interested in the mind and quantum physics at the moment. And everything is all about 'just be positive'. How can someone be positive when their partner yells at them, calls them names, tells them they aren't happy and want to leave. And when I do everything (like most non-ADHD spouses) - finances, work, house, etc. And the intimacy thing too - he has blamed me as well for the lack of sex.
My self esteem is in the gutter right now and I am so insecure. I actually told him that with the events recently I am feeling insecure. Of course that didn't go over very well. I just wish sometimes that our feelings can be heard and acknowledged without them being turned into a weakness.
Sorry, I am just venting but it is really great to know that I am not alone and others know exactly what I am talking about.
taking care of YOU is key
Submitted by robz on
I have just learned with this latest episode as I like to call them that I really need to focus on ME. Take care of ME right now and stop trying to focus so much on his needs and demands.
I am going to try to get more of a life - go to the gym, visit friends more etc. I have already tried therapy and it has helped me with ways to diffuse conflict situations so they don't escalate to where he is screaming at me, but I need to do something about my emotions and self esteem to try and get my sense of self worth and personal power back. I just bought the book The Power of Now to read and also I am going to start Awakenings Technique sessions next week. It is supposed to not only clear your body of physical pain, emotional traumas and dramas and illness, it also cleanses your spirit and soul. It is worth a shot. There is an excellent healer where I am from that does these sessions. I am excited to start them.
Also I want to start doing more yoga and learn to meditate as well.
I hope these suggestions help :)