There are many aspects of ADHD that I think can be managed, tolerated and worked-around. I have yet to have the privelage of going through Melissa's counseling sessions (financially strapped). Until then, here are a few out of the MANY issues I deal with with my ADHD spouse that I am looking for a workaround for. Anyone, including Melissa, found a solution to any of these?
1. Putting words in my mouth. It's been like a re-enactment of the tower of Babel. He listens poorly, and instead of listening to my actual words and processing them for what they are, he ASSUMES extra or wrong meanings ALL THE TIME. Add to this he is forgetful and often forgets ENTIRE thorough conversations and agreements, it seems. So, I have experienced that he is not a man of his word. This has led me to not being able to trust him, rely on him, depend on him, or count on him to keep his commitments, promises or agreements. Even ones I've harped on and discussed with him MULTIPLE MULTIPLE times because he IS ADHD. Later, when the **** hits the fan, he claims I said this or that, for him to go here, do that, put it there, take the kids here, etc. He is forgetful in general so I can't rely on him to ever follow through. But this is a more specific concern of the fact that I have this insane-making spouse constantly arguing with me and claiming I said this or that about logistics, my opinion on something, what I wanted to do, where I wanted him to go, or something like that. Often his assumptions create major havoc and anger and rage too at this point because I'm looking at him like, Are you serious? This again? I so DID NOT say that!!! And then he argues (as if he knows better than I do what I meant, said, or feel). I have a good clear head on my shoulders and a clear, fully functional brain and I am tired of my sanity being hijacked by what has become this insane-making parasite constantly ruining my day and then saying I told him to with various bits of conversation he processed and then made an ASSUMPTION which he is KING of. I've begun to think it is like a mental shortcut that other ADHD people must do too to not have to actually think logically through step a b and c because that is too mentally taxing for them. It's hard for anyone to see how this could become almost UNBEARABLE unless you've actually experienced it over time. Anyone else feel me on this one? You end up arguing all day every day about what you said with someone who is like an annoying cling-on claiming you said things you never did and putting words and intents and opinions in your mouth as if they know better. IT"S BECOMING UNBEARABLE! I FEEL HE IS JUST ALWAYS AROUND IN MY LIFE, THERE IS NO WAY TO GET RID OF HIM DOING THIS, AND HE IS SLOWLY ROBBING ME OF MY SANITY! I'll post the rest in part 2 3 4 or whatever as separate posts for those of you that want to hear the rest of the list.
hangingbythread, I totally
Submitted by angry_dh on
hangingbythread,
I totally relate with you on the multiple conversations only to find out later that it was an exercise in futility. I've never really experienced my wife putting words in my mouth except maybe once or twice, but it's the assumptions of understanding that lead to a big part of the fights I've had with my ADHD wife. Repeating the maxim of "ask if you're not sure" never really worked for me either because, hey, she *was* sure! She was also wrong. It's very hard to not feel frustrated when what should be very simple communication feels like you've been dropped in a foreign land and nobody speaks your language.
Hang in there (no pun intended) :)
Thanks for your response!
Submitted by hangingbythread on
Thanks for your response! This webiste has been a godsend for me. I am 7 years and 2 kids into this marriage and, from my experience only, I can warn you that until all of the ADHD issues are managed IN FULL, bringing innocent children into this will BREAK YOUR HEART and you WILL regret it. Children deserve TWO functional parents. There is a whole HOST of problems ADHDers have in parenting. They seem to lack discernment, they are often grumpy and angry which damages the kids A LOT in the longterm trend of this bad example and damaging anger, they often can't think straight enough to process difficult parenting moments, especially in the "heat of the moment" times with kids. They are impulsive and talk/respond to kids before they think ( a huge detriment in parenting).They let the kids down by their unreliability, forgetfulness, forgetting promises, agreements, commitments...just think of the effect this is starting to have on you as an adult and how much more devastating for a young child to have to deal with this from "Daddy". This obviously damages the kids because they NEED to get a sense of feeling that they can trust and rely on their parents. The list goes on and on..I'm not telling anyone what to do, just sharing my experience and TOTAL REGRET and HEARTBREAK of what he and his issues have put my precious girls through. What about the innattentiveness you might feel? How do you think that would affect a child who needs to feel wanted, cherished, and special just to develop properly...Everything we the spouse experience, the children will too!! The only difference is it will damage the innocent children on a deeper, developmental level and also, they won't be able to DIVORCE. They have to be innocent victims to it and put up with it until they are 18 or whatever the legal age is to "push off". Just something to consider at this phase you are finding yourself. I had our kids before we realized what was the cause of all his issues that were increasingly surfacing and I was still in the bewildered, disallusioned, confused and increasingly frustrated phase. Now that we KNOW what his problem is and all the deep ramifications, it's too late to not have kids. But, of course, they are the loves of my life and I could never regret them, as persons, if you know what I mean. Just thought I'd lay it out there in case you find it helpful.
Hangingbythread, I can
Submitted by Lmanagesall on
Hangingbythread, I can completely relate to much of what you're saying. Not all ADHD folks will parent as you've described. Poor parenting and great parenting can come from adhd and non adhd folks. And I'm sure that unmanaged adhd affects kids and spouses in the long run. I believe adhd has probably been around for generations. We all adapt, adhd and nons alike. I'm thankful I have empathy. I'm thankful I can be that example for my children. My glass may be half empty, but I'm choosing to see it half-filled.
Amen!
Submitted by smilingagain on
My parents both have adhd and they were and are AWESOME parents. Neither of them had even a slight temper. My dad worked too much... But other than that- I had an idyllic childhood.
my husband and I both have adhd... I am a very good mother. My husband, for all the fault I find with his behaviour, is a loving and present father. He has tough moments, but on balance, he is great with them.
by all means- share your experiences... But be careful about sweeping generalizations... We with adhd are not all the same... And it's pretty awful to say that we all make brutal parents who will devastate our children. It's simply not true.
Smiling Again! Thanks for
Submitted by hangingbythread on
Smiling Again! Thanks for your very considerate reply! This forum is SO serving its purpose in helping educate us all! Your comment actually gave me hope to know that maybe my husband is dealing with other issues as well-ones that perhaps he could get counseling for? Or perhaps your parents and you have found better ways of managing your ADHD than my husband? Or perhaps you have very MILD ADHD with differing symptoms? My understanding up till now is that the characteristics I posted were fairly universal ADHD problems: difficulty managing emotions properly (and therefore angry, moody, grumpy), impulsitivity (talking before you think....really bad for kids), forgetfulness, inattentiveness, etc?
No problem! I am glad you
Submitted by smilingagain on
No problem!
I am glad you took the comment to heart but didn't take it personally.
I am the first to admit that living with a person with unmanaged ADHD is HELL. I am aware that until my treatment, I was a very tough person to live with. I have a whole raft of issues in my past that I now connect to my ADHD (which I was not aware of until a few years ago)... Alcoholism, Eating disorders, depression, may other self-destructive behaviour. A lot of self-loathing... I have always had problems relating to groups of women, fitting in, and conforming to societal expectations about femininity... I am extremely hyperactive and talkative and I spent my whole life feeling terrible about my lack of self-control... But I am not really an angry person or a mean person and I've never had a problem apologizing (in fact- I do it too frequently and developed a people-pleasing thing that was very difficult). Once I got treatment, the negative aspects became WAY easier to manage. I feel better today than I have in my entire life... And considering how tough my marriage is at the moment, that is saying something...
If you click my user name and read my posts- you will see that my husband is currently exhibiting most of the traits you listed... he is irritable, angry, impulsive, moody, pessimistic, volatile and depressed. It's been exhausting, devastating, sad and disappointing to deal with... BUT... since he began treatment, I have seen major improvements in his mood and self control. I am exercising all the patience I can muster to try to get us through to a better place... and it's been working. But I relate very much to what you describe and in the toughest times, I wonder about the impact of my husband's behavior on the kids... but as I said- he is a good person and a good father, by my definition... He could be a little more consistent and moderate... but he is present and involved and loves the children unconditionally and plays with them both daily. And- he is well-intentioned. He tries. And that goes a long way in my book. I am hoping he will experience the same kind of profound relief that I experienced once I found the right combination of treatments. I don't expect miracles- he will always be a little bit curmudgeonly and prone to anxiety. But that's okay. We're all flawed. The key is forward momentum, accountability and eliminating those few behaviors that are simply intolerable. And he has been doing that...
Hang in there. You can only do what you can do. Don't take all his problems onto yourself, don't let his mood cahnge your mood (easier said than done). try your hardest to realize that his bad behaviors are not personal, although they feel truly personal when he is being so awful to you. Realize that they are symptoms. that doesn't excuse them- but it does provide some understanding and maybe a little relief to you.
Best of luck dealing with this. It is not easy. some marriages cannot be saved and some should not be saved. But I think it's very important, when children are involved, to try to do everything you can to try to make things work, before moving on. And I commend you for doing that.
Lots of hugs and support to you.
:)
Thank you - ADHD parenting
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Thank you for your input to this thread about parenting and ADHD. ADHD does add issues, most certainly, but we are all flawed in one way or another, and having ADHD does not in any way mean that you will be a bad parent. Your empathy and support here are terrificly helpful.
No problem! I have gotten a
Submitted by smilingagain on
No problem! I have gotten a lot of valuable feedback and support on this site... and if I can provide anyone else with any insight or comfort, I am happy to do so. Being in a relationship where we both have ADHD gives me a unique perspective on things... because I've played the role of the adhd spouse (when I was young and newly-married) and am currently more in the role of the non-adhd spouse... I know how heartbreaking this situation is for every one. :) But I also know, first hand, how much this can be improved with proper treatment. :)
ADHD parents
Submitted by ChrisChris on
Hi,
You detailed a lot of what growing up with an ADHD parent was like for me. The reality of my dad's total inattentiveness - his complete incapability to fully process anything I said, recall important agreements and understand & act upon the passing of time.
When Dad at the helm, I was the bewildered kid late to school in the morning and left waiting outside the school well past 5 O'clock. On days when I took the bus home from school and mom had left Dad in charge, there was a 50% chance he'd have forgotten to expect my arrival; sometimes he'd be inside the house with the front door locked unable to hear me pounding on the door over the roar of his power tools (the MANY MANY unfinished projects lol) or he'd be out on an errand. Coming back home to find me in the driveway waiting (cold, hungry & having to pee), his reaction was always (and I do mean always) a delighted and sheepish "Ohhh yeah! Well let's go inside then" without any recognition of wrongdoing on his part. It got worse and worse throughout the years and the profound and lasting effect on me is something I deal with daily.
Thanks for your wise comments.
WOW
Submitted by hangingbythread on
Thanks so much for your input!! Any advice for me, the non ADHD parent on how I can soften the psychological blow to my kids from this, having been through it as a kid yourself once?
Give your kids your own brand
Submitted by copingSAH on
Give your kids your own brand of love and sincerity and commitment. Over time, they learn to tell the difference between what helps them grow into mature teens and adults, and what could be potential for a disastrous self esteem if they choose to allow themselves to feel sucked into or even responsible for the ADHD issues at home.
Your kids will learn to love both their parents, just differently.... hardest, and I say by far the HARDEST thing to do is to keep yourself from playing the "ally" or "better parent" card... this takes so much discipline and commitment to not fall into... I find it particularly challenging when I feel backed into a corner and there are no other eyewitnesses... I think it has been hard for my eldest, but I have to believe he has learned to "balance" the effects of good parenting and the bad parenting (on both my and my dh's parts) in such a way -- he has sensitivity when it's necessary but he also has the ability to mentally remove himself from the illogical and the dysfunctional.
Good luck, this literally takes the lifetime of the child to nurture, before they are grown and on their own.
I'm very glad I figured out
Submitted by lauren07 on
I'm very glad I figured out what my husband's problem is. At least I can prepare my son and assure him that his Dad loves him despite his thoughtless actions.
First, about your comment
Submitted by MFrances on
First, about your comment concerning your spouse putting words into your mouth, etc. I've experienced exactly the same thing, putting words in my mouth-finishing my sentences or my toughts (wrongly- not in the cute way couples do because they think so much alike!). The forgetting, important conversations as well as every day things. My "way around it" is just to not talk to my husband-not the healthiest thing to do but I'm tired of repeating myself only to be forgotten again. Why bother.
About the parenting-I loved your list of the effect of bad parenting. That is what my kids are experiencing. I love the other helpful comments from people who have had ADHD parents growing up or have not experienced the anger. Plus, it is true that parents can be bad parents and not have ADHD. My parents weren't the greatest and neither had/have ADHD. I do try to work hard to show my kids love and stability since they do not get that from their father. My oldest does know already she cannot rely on her father-that is very sad. Even though he is in treatment and is working hard at dealing with his ADHD, he just doesn't see this. I also am trying to teach my kids to be more discerning about choosing a spouse. To really think about the character traits that make a person a good spouse and a good parent ( and to have those traits themselves).
Assumptions in conversations
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
In my couples seminar I spend quite a bit of time pointing out how differently ADHD and non-ADHD adults experience the world around them, as well as how differently they process information. You should expect that you and your husband will interpret the world around you differently - and therefore that your "assumptions" about what is happening may often diverge - sometimes greatly. It is human nature to assume (note this word) that our own experience is the "right" one...but in fact our own experience is only one of several. For example, when your husband talks with you, your brain has certain ways of interpreting the information, including (science has shown) the possibility of some significant "editing out" of information that is coming to you. Sometimes this is a benefit (i.e. when you need to quickly prioritize a list of things) and sometimes it is not a benefit (for example when you want to remember a wide variety of information that came at you all at once.) Your husband, with ADHD, "receives" information quite differently from you, and his brain processes it differently. This means while you might be "focused" on specific details, he might be "hearing" and associating (very important idea) not only with the specific details you mention but also the ideas that these details bring to mind or remind him of. People with ADHD may describe this as "when I heard X my mind went down path Y." One man I worked with described his listening and conversational style as "like a movie, with lots of plot lines that finally resolve into something." Because this type of "listening" is all about association, it often goes in directions completely unrelated to what the speaker was thinking about...and can, therefore, be very frustrating.
This is all a long way of saying that the communication issue that you are having is two-way - and it's probably not his willful neglect of listening well enough (though training oneself to listen more closely certainly can help) as much as hearing different things, and making too many assumptions. In addition, poor memory skills often play a role, as well. (Symptomatic of many adults with ADHD.)
In The ADHD Effect on Marriage I explore the concept of Learning Conversations. This conversational technique is specifically designed to get the two of you past assumptions and into real understanding for important emotional issues that keep coming up in your relationship. (It doesn't help with memory...) I'll write a blog post about them so you have some idea about what they are.
There are a few tactics you can use to improve the chances that your partner will hear what you want him to hear, including: