My husband had his first motorcycle race of the season this weekend. Let me preface this by saying I have gone to every one of the races he's gone to except one other one and that was only because it was pouring rain all weekend. He always says I don't HAVE to go with him and if that was the case I may go to one race and let him go alone to the others. The races are all day Sat and Sun and he likes to go Friday evening and get set up so we don't have to leave at 5AM on Saturday morning. We don't get a hotel room and instead sleep on the floor of his 6' x 12' motorcycle trailer on an air mattress. It's cold and there are no showers or even running water at the track. It's his thing. He is always off talking bikes with all his buddies while I sit there and read. I don't mind going for a couple of hours but hate the overnight, not to mention 2 overnights. He says he likes having me there, but I don't know why as he gets upset because I can't set the pop up tent up right with him, I don't know how to unload the trailer correctly, I don't understand what he wants me to do when he points at something because I can't hear him over the bike engine. He makes me feel like an absolute moron! I started taking chairs out of the trailer when we got there once and got berated because he needed to get the bike out before I did anything. Then I set up the chairs and he got all huffy and moved them because they were in the way. Then I sit in the truck feeling like I'm 12 years old and can't be expected to help because I can't get anything right. Yet I sit there and not do anything and he gets mad because I'm not doing anything. Sooooo do I sit there and do nothing or try and help and piss you off because I'm not doing it right?? It's a Catch-22! Then it sucks to see other couples getting along so well setting things up together and nobody getting yelled at because they aren't doing it right. Just me.
Like I said, he says I don't HAVE to go, but then tries to coerce me to come down with someone else on Saturday instead so I just have to spend one night instead of two. I don't want to go...PERIOD! I know I will hear when he gets home tomorrow about how everyone else's wife was there cheering them on and how much fun it was and it was the first race of the season and how nice it would have been to have me there. Why? So your buddies can see just how hunky dory our marriage is? You leave me in the pits and run off to see other people and I can't find you half the time!
Lets see, I ask you to take a walk with me and you say "Have fun, I'm going to stay here and play video games". I ask you to go see a show with me and you say 'I'm not really into that, ask one of your girlfriends". I ask you to join a volleyball league with me and you say "I don't think that's something I'd be into". I ask you to volunteer with me and you say "That sounds like something that's tailored to you." You don't want to do any of my interests, but when I don't want to go to the track with you for ONE race you act all despondent and that I don't care.
Agree with you
Submitted by boilergirl on
I would not want to do that either. I saw on another one of your posts how much you were looking forward to having the house to yourself. I know the feeling. DH works from home and we only have one vehicle. He is here all.the.time. A few weeks ago he had to go out of town to a client's. Kids were with inlaw's. Even thought I had to work, it was glorious to clean and have it stay that way. I had my own space and did not have to be on edge for 2 days. Stay strong in your decision.
EXACTLY!!!!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
The past 48 hours have been GLORIOUS! Do you know what I've accomplished in that time?
Friday: Scrubbed the kitchen floor, cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, did laundry, mowed the yard, weedwacked, went for a walk, rented a movie that I've wanted to see for a while and watched it in total silence (no DH to start talking about random things through it because he's not that into it or playing his guitar while sitting on the couch next to me!), made a big salad for dinner and enjoyed that without all the stuff that DH seems to think needs to go with it. Went to bed at 9PM totally exhausted form being so busy all day.
Saturday: Woke up to the fridge making a loud humming noise so I Googled what it could be and how to fix it. It was simply a build up of ice on the fan motor and 20 seconds of putting the hairdryer on it fixed the problem (so proud of myself for being able to fix it without DH immediately dismissing me being able to do it!). Watched another movie I've wanted to see for a while, walked up to the greenhouse and bought a few plants and some grass seed, came home and planted flowers and spread grass seed over bare areas, washed all the windows, experimented with a new dish for dinner (didn't turn out fantastic-even burned it a bit- but he wasn't there to criticize me every step of the way), watched a reality tv show that he makes fun of me for watching, read and went to bed at 10PM once again exhausted from being so busy.
Sunday: It is now 10 AM and I just got back from a 1 1/2 hour walk (no snide comment from DH about me stopping by to see the "pool boy" because I was gone so long!), the cat has been scratching her claws on the trim around the bedroom doors so I now I am going to sand those down and repaint them. I think that is it for the weekend...DH will be home around 9PM tonight.
Now if he was here you know what I would be doing? Sitting on the couch watching tv or sitting on the computer. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything when he is around because all I hear is "WHAT are you doing?" "WHY are you doing that?" "That's not how you are supposed to do it, let me do it" "The house smells like chemicals from you cleaning" You're being weird". However, when he's gone I can't sit still because there's so much to do!
When he is around I feel like an inept idiot, but when he's gone I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to.
DH called me at 1PM telling
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
DH called me at 1PM telling me he was on his way home so he should be home by 3PM. I wasn't expecting him until around 9PM. Tells me he caught my cold and is too congested to race today. Guess who will get blamed for getting him sick??!! Whenever I get a cold and I tell him he goes "Oh that's just great! Now you're going to get me sick!" Yes because that's exactly what I was planning to do! And then when I am sick and he isn't he goes "Oh you just don't want to go out tonight do you?" I can never be legitimately sick in his eyes. If I had cancer he'd probably go "Oh you just need to eat better!"
Yep
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
First words out of DH's mouth when he got home were "I made it" said with a heavy sigh. Second words were "Thanks a lot for the cold". He NEVER fails to blame me every time he gets sick. And when he gets a cold, OMG, it is the worst thing in the world. When I get a cold, he tells me I just need to get over it!
At least you got most of your weekend!
Submitted by boilergirl on
And I know all about the blame game. I get blamed for moving his stuff when he can't find it. I had to laugh about your "just eat better" comment. ANytime I have a headache, DH says I don't drink enough water.
I know but it's true! Every
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I know but it's true! Every time I don't feel well he says that I just don't want to go out. Even when I had 101 temp, chills, pain in my side and headache and I asked if he could have a coworker bring him home rather than me picking him up. Mind you, he didn't get off until 10:30 at night and it was the last thing I wanted to do. He goes "Well can I ask you WHY you don't want to come pick me up?" I just told you I feel like crap! His solution? "Well just come pick me up at my lunch break at 6PM and I'll take the rest of the night off". It has nothing to do with you coming home early! I just don't feel like going to get you and you had a buddy bring you home the previous week so why can't he do that this time?!
Then also what pisses me off is that I am ALWAYS the scapegoat for getting out of things. We were at the racetrack one weekend and he tells me that he just isn't up for racing that day. However, rather than telling his buddies we were leaving because he wasn't up for racing he tells them that I don't feel good so we HAVE to go. Then a couple of weeks ago we were going to meet another couple at 7PM but then they said they couldn't meet until 8. He said to me that that is kind of late to get started and that maybe we should just call it off. I said that yeah that is kind of late but he turns around and tells the guy "8PM is past her bedtime so maybe we should do it another time." Um YOU were the one who suggested it was too late! He just can't look like he's ever letting down anyone so uses me as his reasons why we can't do stuff. People must think I am such a downer!
My dh uses me as his excuse also.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hi Mapper, I laughed when I read your post (even though it's not funny), it's just that I have LIVED through this too many times to count. My ADHD husband does this all the time. In fact it got so bad, a few years ago, I got frustrated and sternly told him to QUIT using ME as his excuse for not wanting to do something. I DO have physical problems (chronic back pain from a car accident and surgeries) plus I've had numerous surgeries for other things, but I still did everything around the house, as well as being a musician that played for several different groups. But, my husband ALWAYS lied, telling people that I was too sick.......and he had to stay home to take care of me. The weird thing is though, the past 3 years, it has actually BEEN that way, but for the previous 28 years, I was his excuse. People must have thought I was horrible to make him stay home, being a kill joy for my self sacrificing husband. (if they only knew)