I realize that many of the ADHD spouses have good jobs and are good providers but this is directed to those who are experiencing the same situation as I am. I married my husband 7 years ago and he relocated to be with me. He assured me he was in a field that he could work from just about anywhere, where as I have a client based business that I couldn't move. Over the past 7 years he has had over 40 jobs, most of which he has quit but he has been fired from a few. He has had some health issues and is now more limited in what kind of jobs he can accept but most of the jobs he has quit have been jobs he can do. He always has an excuse why he can't do the job. I notice he has these same sort of excuses as to why he doesn't do household chores (but that's a different post). One of the excuses he uses is that he has never had so many problems finding and keeping a good job as he has had since he has moved here. He blames the state and the kind of people who live here. He says if I would be willing to move he could find a good job and support me.
Here is my dilemma...I don't make enough to support two people. My business barely supports me. I need my spouse to help financially otherwise I would be better off on my own. I have provided everything for us for the entire marriage (the home, the vehicles, the credit to get things we needed) and I'm tired of struggling and being stressed out all the time because I'm having to be the one to keep a roof over our heads and put food on the table. I wonder what he would do if there was no food or no shelter? So I have actually considered moving with him and making it very clear that he would have to support me from now on. The problem is that if I walk away from my business and my home there is no going back. And do I really believe he will get a good job and keep it? Not really. I would like to believe he would, but from what he has shown me it doesn't seem likely.
Is there any hope that he can become a responsible provider? He says he wants to support me. He says he doesn't want me to work so hard and be stressed all the time. But if that was really true wouldn't he have found a solution by now?
I'm tired of being the sole provider, I can't handle the stress anymore. I feel like I'm losing my sanity. But I fear that as long as we stay here and he knows I have a job that can provide what we need (even though it's barely providing) he will know he is being cared for and not have much motivation to stick with anything himself. I feel like I'm enabling him to be irresponsible. But if I turn the tables and force him to be the provider it could definitely backfire on me. I don't like the idea of being homeless and hungry!
Personally, I wouldn't take
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Personally, I wouldn't take the risk of quitting my job, moving with my spouse, and relying solely on him to be the provider. If you were independently wealthy, maybe, but otherwise, no.
That's what I'm thinking.
Submitted by frustratedwife on
That's what I'm thinking. But staying in this life seems unbearable sometimes. I feel trapped and depressed.
I get it. It's so hard to be
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I get it. It's so hard to be the one on whose back all burdens rest.
Exactly
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I look around at my family and friends who have "normal" lives and I'm so jealous. I don't have to be wealthy, I just want a contributing partner.
Let him move first. That is
Submitted by lauren07 on
Let him move first. That is what we are doing. I am done with my husband, but we share a child. I told him I'd move up north if he found a good job and helped me buy a house. His entire family is up there and I have noone here where I prefer to live. I want more for my kid. My husband/ex has been gone over a month and no job yet. I gave him a year though, so we'll see.
I think going together would be a terrible idea for you two, just in case. My husband claims he'd find work easier up north, where he knows people, but from age 15-21, he had FIFTEEN jobs!!! I'm not holding my breath:/ He kept the same job the four years we were married, but it was a 5-year contract job he couldn't get out of without consequences, and he never failed to let me know DAILY that he kept the contract as a benefit to me and the baby. Such a martyr.
And the excuses....omg! Lol,
Submitted by lauren07 on
And the excuses....omg! Lol, mine told me he failed to get all the water spots off my windows AFTER TWO TRIES because his window washing tool was missing. Um, he was talking about a squee-gee:/ He first blamed it on the water. He was angry when I got all the spots off simply using some cleaner and paper towels. Insanity coming from a guy who is "supposedly" an experienced car detailer.
We have discussed him moving first...
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I have told him he should go ahead and make a life for us in the new location and then I will make the move but he says he doesn't want to live apart for very long. He has also told me he may not find the "right" job right away and may have to bounce around for awhile until he is able to find the one that is meant for him. I've expressed to him that I worry about the bouncing around lasting for years and us never being stable or secure. He just acts like I have no right to feel this way.
What's so frustrating is that I find myself getting into what seems like normal conversations with him, and getting my hopes up that things will change, only to get jolted back to reality when I see that I can't even count on him to do the dishes!
"Hope for the best, prepare
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." I apply this saying to many areas of my life.
Very similar situation over here
Submitted by Second Chances on
Lauriejs,
I'm in a very similar situation, except I am not married. My BF and I both relocated across the country to start our "new" lives together. Except that I bought the house. I bought all the appliances, furniture, etc. I pay for 95% of the monthly expenses and utilities. And we've been here in our "new" life together for 27 months. I have definitely reached the end of my rope!
My BF and I are both self-employed (separate businesses, but same industry of online sales) and I feel like his ADHD affects his ability to do his work. He simply cannot just go in his (home) office and "work." Yet I can work in my (home) office for 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week. Because I have to or else the bills won't get paid. He is simply not reliable, period. Of the two monthly expenses that he is supposed to pay, both are 2+ months behind. Termination/shut-off letters are coming in the mail. Yet he has the nerve to get snotty with me if I ask him about those two bills, if I ask anything at all about them. But for heaven's sake, I need the internet in order to be able to WORK and I need water in order to live. And he is supposed to cover those bills. Good grief!
When pressed, my BF has finally admitted to me that he's "not that good" at the online part of his job, even though he has told me that it is his ideal job. On paper, there is no reason at all why he shouldn't be making big money. Certainly more than I am, as he is older, more experienced and has more "connections" in our industry. He supposedly made a lot more money in the past in the car industry, but was laid off eventually and chose to do the online thing full-time. He plays the victim card and blames his humongous IRS debt, his credit card debt, his stress, blah blah blah for why he is constantly struggling and not bringing in more money. Only if I really really press him will he admit that it's due to his own choices that he's in this mess (debt especially) in the first place. (As an aside, my BF refuses to try medication or counseling or any kind of ADHD treatment at this time.)
My BF has a big project coming up, a renewal of a special job he did last year. He promises and promises that THIS will solve everything. That once the "new project" gets going, that things will all be just hunky dory. If I can only hang on through the summer... he will have money to give me for the bills, blah blah blah. Except that those are the exact words he told me LAST year, when this project came up the first time. And holy hell, that project came and went and he's still in a disastrous financial mess. WHY should I believe him now?
What I have suggested, although I'm getting tremendous resistance, is that my BF move out and get his own place. Or beg a friend to take him in, temporarily. That he get his (crap together), sort out his financial mess - without being in my face here 24/7, stressing me out and even impeding MY work - and then we could go from there. As it stands now, I would never marry him. If I had been stupid and married him quickly after we shacked up together, my money would be completely gone (instead of nearly gone)... because his accounts have been seized and levied for different reasons, over the past two years. I don't feel like I can ever truly commingle our finances, ever. It's not a good feeling! But I would co-habitate with him again in the future IF he was debt-free and IF he was truly able to pay at least 1/2 of the household expenses. Period.
The thing is that I do want to be with him, in a relationship that is, but I no longer want to live with him. Is that crazy? Seeing him every day, sitting on his ass, napping, playing games on his phone, cruising facebook... makes me furious and makes me want to smack him. Resentment? Oh yes, big time. If I didn't have his "issues" shoved in my face every day, if I wasn't so entirely aware of MY paying for everything... I honestly believe I could enjoy his company. Encourage him. Want to "be" with him in most senses of the word, if you catch my drift. If he moved out, I believe I would want him to take me out on dates, to hang out together in our free time - like we should have when we first moved cross-country together... instead of shacking up together so fast. (Lesson learned!)
But my BF of course says he has NO PLACE to go. He's claimed that if he can't stay here, he will just go "live in his car" or "live in a storage unit." Oh really? How about playing the martyr a little more? I believe that he says that to manipulate me, but his comments do infuriate me... and also make me feel guilty! And yet it's not my problem that he doesn't have a place to go, right? He said that it would be "too weird" for him to move out, yet us stay together as a couple and still "see" each other. Because he wouldn't know what to TELL people, to explain things. But he adamantly claims he does not want to break up with me. I think he is more concerned about his public image, about what people would think... if anyone finds out what a shambles his finances are in. If I did break up with him completely, he could go beg a friend for a place to stay - and tell people that I was the evil b*tch who broke his heart, kicked him out, etc. He could be the victim. And although he says he doesn't want to break up, he simply does not make efforts to earn more money, to step up and be a man and take care of business here.
Lauriejs, if your husband moved ahead without you, started shaping up (or even not)... on his own... would you have less stress in your day to day life? Do you think your feelings for him would improve or soften? Would you be less angry? I think my feelings WOULD improve if my BF and I lived separately. If I could just hang out with him for "fun" and do whatever (cheap or free activity is fine - doesn't have to cost money!) - I would enjoy his company and not be so aware that I am ultimately paying for everything. I don't think I can give him 2, 3, 6+ more months of my money, generosity, etc. His actions speak louder than his words... and his actions show me that he is NOT likely to turn his ship around.
You wrote "I'm tired of being the sole provider, I can't handle the stress anymore. I feel like I'm losing my sanity. But I fear that as long as we stay here and he knows I have a job that can provide what we need (even though it's barely providing) he will know he is being cared for and not have much motivation to stick with anything himself. I feel like I'm enabling him to be irresponsible. But if I turn the tables and force him to be the provider it could definitely backfire on me."
Yes, me too. 100%. What will you do?
Best wishes--