Hi. I'm new to this forum but I'm glad I found it.
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years and he is the absolute love of my life and the man I will marry and have a family with. We've overcome many obstacles with his ADHD and are still learning to work things out. However, there are a few things that have consistently been a struggle. I'm hoping you all can enlighten me with some other strategies.
We disagree, argue and fight, as any couple does. We've talked about how sometimes afterwards, we may or may not need our space and should be respectful of that. Even though we talk about it, it's always a struggle. Several times, after I am emotionally worked up, he will throw in "I'm sorry" with the expectation of "I said sorry so everything is fine now." He'll then come to me right after and expect hugs and kisses and if I can't give them to him the way he likes it, then he gets angry with me saying that I hold a grudge/need to get over it/"I said sorry". This all takes place about 30 seconds after 1hr of arguing and a 2 second apology. If I tell him that I need some time, he gets offended. After I've let my emotions come back down to normal range and I try to talk about something else & move on, he's unresponsive or gives me the cold shoulder or an attitude. When I ask him why he's doing that, he says "well you're mad at me"...
How do I react to that? When I tell him I'm not mad, I just needed some space, he'll throw it back and proclaim "well I'm giving it to you" in a resentful way. I've taken my space, I've come back to him, but it just doesn't seem like a very apologetic way to react especially considering his emphasis on the fact he said "sorry". He doesn't ACT like he's sorry, despite him saying the words, and the tension starts rising again...
How can I avoid the fight after a fight?
You must respect each others personal needs first....
Submitted by c ur self on
This is a common case scenario with men and women, that add/adhd has very little to do with...First not ever couple fights as you suggest...most maybe, but not all...Secondly you both need to set down face to face and discuss why each situation got emotional, and recognize it before it goes an hour or two, even if it takes getting a wise third party involved...You sure do not want to pretend this don't exist and marry each other w/ rose colored glassed on..Marriage will only escalate it...Arguments and emotional issues are always personal. Everyone has insecurities and everyone will consciously or unconsciously try to protect themselves...You two really need to focus finding the root of your problem, when you are not upset!...My wife likes to pout for two or three days, and I am like your BF...It will dawn on me all of a sudden, we are wasting a prefect day God has given us, and I'm looking at and arguing with the women I love...I am so sorry/ashamed this ever happened, so lets make up...It's good men can come to our senses, but what was more important for us, and will be for you two is to face why we got upset in the first place...I will say this...most arguments are about control...Do you want to watch him live the life he's going to live with you are without you? Or do you think you can make him better? Does he want to adjust you to be the women he really wants or think he needs? Or does he want to watch you live the life you are going to live with him or without him...We all must see ourselves, and have our own peace before we can be an effective spouse...PS...I will say this if add/adhd is involved to where either partner refuses to face reality, a life of denial and blaming...this will make it much more difficult...Rationalization can be very difficult for my wife, I don't know about all adders...
Maybe you and he can both
Submitted by copingSAH on
Maybe you and he can both come to an agreement to give each other a hug or some kind of touch to acknowledge each other? Especially after he gives you that (2sec) apology.
He can't empathize with what you're still feeling, and assumes you can switch on and off. So he needs to be made aware to give you some space, and that in itself has nothing to do with him personally. It is what you need. And he needs to respect that, and you will need to respect that he wants that affirmation to his apology. What I mean is, nothing more, nothing less is expected other than that hug of acknowledgement.
That hug or touch that is given/received is what will alleviate the AD/HD mind. I hope this makes sense. My ADD husband welcomes these types of hugs after a heated discussion. It would take a lot of anger where he refused my hug or touch, in particular if the argument touched off something pertaining to OCD or phobia etc, which drives additional resistance.