Submitted by copingSAH on 05/25/2014.
MELISSA, the original Slug Box thread is very long now. May we start a continuation thread? If not, please have your WebAdmin remove it, thank you.
Again, this is a continuation of THE SLUG BOX thread for both AD/HD and non-AD/HD persons to drop off their "slugs". Ideally a line or two.
Some days we just are too tired to get into heavy discussion. This can be a way to just put out a one-liner when too tired of having -or- dealing with AD/HD. Especially those days when the isolation of our thoughts need to let it go. Not really a discussion thread, just dropping in and dropping off a slug or two and feeling better after it's gone.
To get more detailed feedback, it is best to start a new thread so that it can be seen by others.
New thread
Submitted by admin on
I closed commenting (you can no longer comment on the old thread) and put a link to this new post on the original post.
My identity
Submitted by jennalemon on
"We cannot bear a pointless torment, but we can endure great pain if we believe it is purposeful." Andrew SolomonI
I don't know my purpose in this as an ADHD spouse other than being a sacrificial lamb to the enabling of someone else's pleasures. Someone who does not even realize what I am doing for him. I thought serving was love. I did it wrong.
Wow.......so well put. E X A
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
Wow.......so well put. E X A C T L Y.
My Identity...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Wonderful post...
I'm so sorry so MANY of us understand it so clearly... :(
Just a random quote of craziness
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
After 'thinking' I had picked a proper time to "share' my feelings with my spouse, I tried - every so gently while walking carefully on eggshells and making sure I picked non-button-pushing trigger words - to explain how I am feeling regarding the emotional support from him that I desire/want/need -
In his usual defensive posturing "You're gonna have to go get some of your own psychological testing for that, because I provide it - it's not my fault you don't understand it."
Oiy. Oiy. Oiy.
lost potential
Submitted by perfectstorm5 on
Today I am feeling so sad that due to my husband's denial about the effect ADHD has on him (and us) , he is so much less of a person than he has the potential to be. He is a smart and creative person that can rarely set a goal and meet it. Procrastination absolutely rules him, and I can't get over how sad that makes me.
Yep.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
perfectstorm5,
I am so intune to what you said.
I hurt for my spouse too.
Oh yes!
Submitted by Lynnw on
That's why I stayed with mine for so long. He's very bright and has so much potential. And he's a good friend (for fun things only--don't put any expectations on him). I just couldn't keep up with dealing with his disasters and negligence and broken promises anymore. I was exhausted and stressed out. I'm amazed how much less work it is to NOT be with my 'helpmate' anymore.
endless (literally) arguments
Submitted by perfectstorm5 on
My ADHD husband can discuss(argue) something for HOURS at a time. He repeats himself over and over (even if I mirror what he said), and goes off on tangents. He is completely unaware of the passage of time, and he is always shocked when I tell him how long he has been talking. Even after countless conversations about the severe stress this has caused, he will follow me if I leave the room, and he always has to add "one more point". We wasted two HOURS last night having the exact same discussion that we have been having for years, and this makes me absolutely CRAZY.
Perfectstorm5
Submitted by frustratedinfla on
I totally feel the same way. Me and DH can have a discussion, he repeats the same thing he just told me and takes a detour way over there and totally off topic and it's hard to get back on point them it's been an hour or longer! By this time I'm crying and upset and just want to sleep! How do we get them back?
OMG - BEEN THERE, DONE THAT
Submitted by sickandtired on
My BF does this too, go on and on for HOURS and HOURS about his grievances...following me out of the room, accusing me of not wanting to listen, when all i'm doing is trying to take a bathroom break during his marathon of bitching...after enduring almost 9 non-stop hours of just rambling bullshit about how bad the world sucks, how he wishes his mother had aborted him, blah blah blah, oh yeah, and it's all my fault. How can you talk to someone like that when they act so terrible, so embarrassing, when they can disparage you all day long, but can't take the most kindly worded constructive suggestions without blowing up and acting like an angry teenager??? He can sure dish it out, but he can't take a drop of criticism.
Channel-surfing conversations
Submitted by Icefishinglady on
He wants pleasant chitchat. He talks until my eyes glaze over, flitting from subject to subject.... a conversation is impossible. His voice jars my nerves; it is late, I am tired and need some quiet time. My silence irks him. He sees it as punishment. Yet if I try to speak, perhaps, what I feel, or dream, he interrupts - ever the devil's advocate, then resumes filling my silence with unwanted and pointless chatter. It is like channel-surfing, endlessly. I bring up our broken engagement, his plans to seek treatment maybeifihavetimebutthereissomuchonmyplate - and next thing I know he is flipping through the channels in his head and lamenting my silence.
Had huge argument, he goes off to a movie
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
We had a huge argument concerning finances, the house, whether to immigrate him or not (to the tune of almost $2,000 which *I* would have to pay!!), etc. Then after all he says he wants to go back to Canada and just leave me and his daughter and then runs off to see the new X Men. Because he has his priorities straight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The cycle of "friendship"
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
It is extremely difficult to watch my ADHD spouse attach himself to a new friend, who, excuse the expression, is one of the dregs of the earth. My spouse will tout how great this new person is, how they listen to him, how they understand him. How they are a real friend. Until it all starts to fall apart. And then my spouse is so angry about being taken advantage of. Sad.
When my spouse meets someone,
Submitted by copingSAH on
When my spouse meets someone, he's absolutely smitten. He will go on about this person/s whom I've never met. I worry when he starts talking about opening our home to them, especially if he talks like they are old friends.He'd told me he trusted our new neighbors to watch our kids. How could he even contemplate that after just having introduced himself to them?! I met the new neighbors at some point and I most certainly did not get that "read" off of them... frankly, they were pleasant but aloof. It seems like any pleasantries is an invitation to a "best buddies" scenario.
I know, right?!?!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I saddly do not understand the dynamic of wanting to avoid to learn conflict resolution. My spouse has gotten ticked off at almost everyone. When I (used to, not any more) try to get him to see the other side of a disagreement, he accuses me of "not letting him have his feelings." I don't know how many ways I can let him know that he IS entitled to his opinions. Just because I don't agree does not invalidate them,. Once he gets ticked at someone, it then becomes his mission to let everyone know how that other individual "done him wrong." Sad,
Slug Box
Submitted by copingSAH on
It's not just the ADD but the mingling of an additional co-morbid issue like OCD that make everything a little too intense in our home...
I always wonder if there is not something else goin on
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
copingSAH,
In times that my anger at my situation has time to dissipate, I feel great empathy for my spouse's struggle. Anxiety and depression have been mentioned over the years, but I personally have not yet heard a counselor say: "There is something else going on here."
My own experience has me knowing it takes time and effort to get to the right conclusion and find the right meds and help. A difficult thing for me to know how to deal with is: I KNEW I had problems and desperately wanted help. I am not yet convinced that my spouse accepts any responsibility for his difficulties. I have yet to hear him say "Why or when will I figure this out?" He just casts blame on everyone, everywhere.
Sounds like deep denial, your
Submitted by copingSAH on
Sounds like deep denial, your husband. I wish you some peace when you can catch it.
I asked my DH to get help for 6 years. He finally did it, but I was told it wasn't because of anything I tried to do. He was in denial for so many years, he never accepted that it was a problem. Even got angry with me. Toward the end he finally came out and said his mind was feeling like acid being poured into his brain all the time and that is when he finally went for help. I think it's a bit like an addict or alcoholic... the denial is there alright, could be years, decades... for whatever reason, the ones closest to them are met with the most resistant attitude. At some point if it's not too late, there's just no fooling oneself any longer without great cost to their own worsening mental health. I don't think my dh ever realizes how much pain there's been over the years, suffered by others, and how much of the ADHD I've had to accommodate at great sacrifice (family, finances, isolation).
As much as I was resistant to it, when I'm okay, I can detach and mentally remove myself from the onslaught of ADHD at its worst (meaning: illogic confrontation, rage attack, accusations etc)
I concur
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
copingSAH,
Yep. For the past few years, I have been looking at me, trying to figure out when enough is enough. As a person believes marriage is forever, it is really hard to get to a point of closing a chapter.
Oh I love seeing your
Submitted by copingSAH on
Oh I love seeing your signature quote modified.... I love it!!!
My ex hasn't worked since
Submitted by lauren07 on
My ex hasn't worked since before Christmas. He left my area around late Feb/early Mar claiming it would be a lot easier to find work in his home city. My moving with his son to be closer depends on him working. He supposedly wants this more than anything, but it sure doesn't show. Oh, but he still talks a big game, of course.
2 things
Submitted by boilergirl on
We only have one car. Sometimes, this means that DH has to drive me to work when he needs it. In the less than 10 minute drive to and from work yesterday, he had to scream out stuff two different times. On the way- we cross a walking/biking path. Their is no stop sign for the cars, however, many think they are being nice by stopping and waving people to cross. This is annoying and can cause accidents. Of course, DH has to complain and honk every single time. This time, he also rolled down the window and screamed at the people stopping. So embarasing. On the way home, he screamed "Shitter's Full" out the window because there was a large RV parked on the street and he thought it didn't need to be there. I think from now on I will just walk to work if he needs the car. I can't control him, but I sure as heck can control being around it.
Also, his need to be right and not accept help is ruining all of his relationships. This is the reason he has been fired from jobs, has no close friends, has made lots of people unhappy in the Cub Scout pack he is "leading", and it causes lots of problems in our marriage.
LOL!!!
Submitted by copingSAH on
"Shitter's Full!!"
LOL ! you are probably right, walking and removing yourself from loud talk will offer you a re-charging walk just for yourself.
whenever my spouse waves other drivers on and they don't thank him with an acknowledgement *wave*, he screams "Where's my WAVE??!?!? !@#$%"
Absolutely maddening!! I can
Submitted by lauren07 on
Absolutely maddening!! I can understand mishearing a conversation, but to misread a short text is just too much. I am trying to coordinate a move up north so that I can get childcare help from my husband and his family. I love being this far away from him LOL, but it is very hard and my child is missing out on so much family. It seems like every single conversation, I end up ticked off at least once. EVERY call! Bless him, he takes his lumps willingly. I don't feel that bad because it doesn't have to be this way. There is therapy and medication to be had. He could really try to learn better skills.
I really changed my life for the worst when I chose to quickly marry and have a child with this dude. I'm thankful that he turned me off to the idea of having a second child with him. At least in less than ten years I'll stop having to deal with him so much.
Yeah, so, my husband spent
Submitted by lauren07 on
Yeah, so, my husband spent $875 in five days. One for a premium car part and the other at an Indian reservation. I literally feel like throwing up. I want to punish him by not moving closer to him, but that would punish me and my child. There is so much support up there with him and ZERO down here.
He deserves to spend that money, BUT NOT NOW!! Not while he has NO JOB!! Not when we're about to need most of that money to get me moved and settled up north.
He spent a whole week away
Submitted by copingSAH on
He spent a whole week away from us, comes home and is back watching the television with all the doors closed, curtains closed and lights off.
Tells me he needs to unwind from a very stressful week and needs to escape.
The thing is, he does this EVERY SINGLE weekend for entire days, entire weekends... how is this week any different from the others when he IS home?
So, so frustrating as I further detach and leave him to his TV.
btw the week while he was away, it was extremely calm and pleasant, just me and the children. It also seemed like all the right things came together and I was able to be more proactive and social with my girl friends. I need to work on this aspect more.
My spouse has ADHD. The
Submitted by MFrances on
My spouse has ADHD. The hardest part (at least today) is everything is somehow always my fault, he's not mad-it's my fault that I'm interpreting it that way. And he never believes me-about home repairs that need done. If it's something I point out he doesn't take it seriously, if it's something he thinks "needs" done or something he wants done he does it right away (and well and completely). He doesn't believe me even in general conversations-he'll try to top me with acting like he knows more on that topic, when I know he doesn't. Then gets mad at me because I don't want to talk to him! It's a never ending cycle.
Our gutters along the front
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Our gutters along the front of our house are so clogged that water just runs over them and into the ground under them. When it rains hard enough, our den floods. (all concrete). I told him more than a few years ago that the gutters were clogged. Mentioned it again not too long ago...he snapped at me that it was not why the den floods. The den floods right from that corner. OK.
Slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
I know you have had a hard day. I prepped a nice meal. Prepared the current bills for your return.You ask me every day if there is any mail.
You come home, I remain quiet and receptive. I offer to get you what you need. I mention the statements are on the table.
You get snippy "The bills come all the time, so what?"
I say "okay sorry" Then walk away. I know a confrontation is coming on. Nothing I can do now.
He starts "Now you are mad with me." "I can tell you are mad with me" "You're not helping." more blame, etc.
The confrontation is beginning whether or not I do/say anything.
(otherwise, we're fine, when the ADD isn't rearing its presence! but I hate that witching hour just after work and before dinnertime)
Oh I hear you!
Submitted by pamW on
Oh I hear you!
I can tell it's brewing...the dark look in his eyes, the muscle spasm of his right arm, and heavy breathing. He will tell me that he is fine but after almost 20 years I know better. It seems to coincide with dinner as well. I've taken to making meals in the crock pot so he has dinner, and I don't need to stand there making it. That is when he starts revving up for the blast. good grief. Without my faith in Christ I would be sunk!
My husband does great for a
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
My husband does great for a few weeks (at least in the 'not forgetting' part of things, and keeping up on the house stuff he is responsible for). Then he fades slowly and the forgetting starts. Fortunately, he is mostly nice to me - though he does seem to get annoyed when I try to ask him anything to talk to him once he starts getting in that forgetful mode.
I could deal with that happily if there was any affection. Its doubtful that anyone would think we were married if they lived with us. Last time he kissed me was December 2012 (not for lack of ME trying). If I could actually feel like his wife and not his "mom/atm" I could deal with most anything.
slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
It's Father's Day, you have been in and out and gone the last 2-3 hours.
The steaks have been on the counter ready for me to grill an hour ago.
You text to tell me you're at the bar with your buddies (one of whom I seriously consider has ADHD)
It is Father's Day, I will try not to say anything when you get back.
I've tried repeatedly to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I've tried repeatedly to extend an olive branch: I sent birthday cards to my husband's parents (although his father long ago stopped acknowledging me or our children, his grandchildren); I sent my husband a Father's Day card; I sent him a "happy Father's Day" text. This in addition to me keeping the family going physically (including financially) and emotionally. Never a thank you or an acknowledgement from my husband.
slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
add: where's my slippers?
spouse: it's under the bench.
add: where?
spouse: under the bench, on the window side.
add: where?
spouse: no, on the side of the window. no. the other side of the bench. the other side. the other side. the other side. by the window!
add: I don't see it.
spouse: *goes over, see that he has thrown something on top of the slippers when he came in.* There. geez :)
add: well, don't get an attitude. I did X-Y-and-Z in the last 6 months. The least you can do is help me find something.
spouse: I was just exasperated.
add: well, I did X-Y-and-Z for you so you owe me.
spouse: Forget it, I'm not upset. You found the slippers. That's all that matters, right?
argh.
I can sum up my marriage thus
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I can sum up my marriage thus: my husband believes that my primary role in life is to protect him from thinking about things he doesn't want to think about.
Another project....
Submitted by Underwater on
Yesterday hubby went over to his mom's house (in the process of bankruptcy) all secret. It turns out he's taking the wood off her back deck and re-building some used trailer he bought, so that he can then use the wood to build me the garden shed he promised for Mother's Day. I know the thought is there, but I also know I'll end up just buying one at Home Depot...eventually.
slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
He's tinkering around the property all weekend. It's a beautiful weekend and people are going out etc but we stay in; I'm fine with that and I'm actually supporting him all weekend with nice comments about what he's been doing on the property. He's gotten a few projects done and I am impressed and pretty fine with that since the rest of us have something to occupy us with.
A few minutes ago he comes in and starts in on me; it hurts me terribly.
ADD spouse: "I did all of x-y-z because YOU wouldn't do it. So I don't wanna hear anything bad from you that I never do anything. You should appreciate all that I've done and I don't want to hear complaining!!" etc.
I just stare at him. I haven't said or done anything like that for the last several days but be sincerely supportive, putting aside my own hang-ups and being really aware of my triggers. I've been nice and I'm changing for the ADD's sake. But I'm sad-hurt because he couldn't just leave a good thing alone :( I found it hard to be encouraging one more time when all I heard is the message being rubbed in my face that *you are a lazy wife and I'm doing all the hard stuff" Sure, I can't do the things like putting up doors and woodwork... but it's unfair to say I *won't* do things like that. I *can't*.
I'm not going to give in to those conditioning triggers... that's why I I come here. Even though it feels like I have an alter-ego on here, it has to help instead of keeping it all bottled up.
A parade is expected every
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
A parade is expected every time a job (their job/chore/etc) is done - even if it is three weeks late. In the mean time, I run around like a chicken without a head getting things done, and not a word, except to maybe criticize me because I am not all cheerful and smiling.......
slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
busted!
I'm trying to talk to add spouse and he has the TV volume at a ear-splitting level. Does nothing while I'm screaming over the volume trying to discuss family plans with his side of the family.
Suddenly our kid walks in with his friend, and comes upon this scene. Spouse jumps up and turns down the volume. Dead silence as spouse tries to explain that the volume just got very high in that one section.
At least someone else saw what I'm subjected to! While friend is visiting, spouse kept volume on very low all this time. And most astonishing, he's opened up the living room to "everyone" now (as opposed to drowning us out and driving us out).
blame game again
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My ADHD husband is on a trip out of state and had another ADHD moment. He got stopped by a police officer.....AGAIN. Husband ran a stop sign and didn't use his turn signal when turning. Did he admit his guilt in this? NOooooooooooooooo. Hubby BLAMED the stupid, young cop who "picked on him" for "doing nothing" instead of the cop going out and catching "real" criminals. He was fortunate the cop only gave him a warning, but he was angry and spouted off to me over the phone, repeatedly. How on EARTH can he continually BLAME other people for HIS MISTAKES? Will he take NO responsibility for what he does? Well, he's getting an ultimatum when he gets home.
we??
Submitted by reliable_wife on
"We" didn't forget to take care of X.
YOU forgot to take care of X.
Yes! YES!
Submitted by dweeb on
:) thanks for the laugh today!! It's true!!
However, he only uses singular when he's half-accomplished something......
AND when
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
he remembers to take care of X he did YOUR X not OUR X
;P
And When...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
No one but someone who's married to ADHD would ever understand this.
And no truer words were ever spoken!
slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
ADD spouse: everything is harder when everything revolves around you. The rest of your family can't get their own act together because we're expected to revolve around you and your own priorities. And you do not see that we put parts of ourselves on hold to accommodate you.
so true
Submitted by dedelight4 on
So true. I've lived this one, and I'm at complete exhaustion now, with my own life in tatters. It's a mess, and he wonders why I don't have anything left to give. When ADHD is unchecked..............these folks can seriously USE UP the people around them. Husband DID agree to go to counseling though........even was sort of happy about it. But, it's come only when I'm at my complete end.
I need a vent!
Submitted by lauren07 on
I need a vent!
My awesome day enjoying an awesome, famous, historic city had to end with my husband complaining that I spent a couple hundred dollars of my own dang money. We are sharing last year's taxes.
You know why he was so quick to complain? Because a few weeks ago I complained that he spent almost $900 in 3 days. He didn't even have a job at the time. And I need there to be some money left for my big move up north.....closer to him and his family. I'm leaving my seaside home to move to snow central so that I can get help with our child. You think he'd be grateful, the way he constantly moans about missing his son. Well, he told me to leave the first state and then left my state after only a few months. He does this crap to himself!! I spent today exploring one of the cities I adore, because I'm leaving it behind.
So instead of......did you make it home safe with our child? He complains about the gas, food, and souvenir money before I've even made it home. Oh, and the new stroller I had to buy because he forgot to bring back the other one. Well, I put him right in his place.
The dumbest part of it all is immediately after texting the amount spent (like some kind of scolding patriarch), he tries to blame it on my friends that backed out of the trip for not helping with gas. He knew how happy I was they bailed because I was able to see and do only what I wanted. Then blames his complaining on a 13 hr shift at work, all before I've had a chance to reply!
THAT is another thing. Ever since he has started working, he just has to tell me and everyone else daily about how hard he's working. Cry me a river. You are a grown man with a family. I wish I made that much. I wish I got all that overtime. He's barely worked a week at the job. I work ft and raise a child alone, but I don't feel the need to tell everybody about it every day, if at all. It's life.
This add crap is going to drive me white headed. I have to get situated up north and stay as separate from him as possible or I'm going to need happy pills.
Moving
Submitted by jennalemon on
You are already hating the move before you move. Think twice before you do if there is ANY way you can live where you want to live, do it. Don't be like me....40 years late....filled with resentment for something I THOUGHT I HAD to do decades ago. Your resentment will only sit in the corner of your psyche and stew for years. NO ONE will benefit if you sacrifice your well-being and happiness for someone who does not appreciate you. Be a part of the community where you live and know you belong there. Good Luck to you whatever you decide. Weather the storms as they come but don't give up your life as you can love it or hate it some day.
Thanks;) I fully understand
Submitted by lauren07 on
Thanks;) I fully understand what you're saying, but I have weighed the options.
I loved it here when I was free. I love/hate it now that I'm a Mom. I need help. I have no family here and few friends. I also think my child deserves to be near family.
Moving is what is best for us all. I already compromised by choosing to live a couple hours from him and his family. At least living there I can get help and get needed breaks. I'm so stuck here and it is frustrating.
Thank you. I'd have told myself the same thing.
I was able to pick a city by a massive lake at least;)
I don't tell my husband about
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
I don't tell my husband about money that I have spent. While I do only spend out of necessity (cause there is NO money for anything else) - if I tell him then he feels the need to go out and buy 'stupid' shit. This only adds to our stockpile of 'stupid shit' that we have to *PAY* to store......now, explain how crazy that is!!!??? Is there such a thing as acquiring ADD by marriage, because I used to be such an organized,logical, happy person........
Kat's...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
You can't acquire ADD through someone else's behavior. However, you can develop SEVERE depression, HUGE self-worth issues, and wonder if you, in fact, are the crazy party.
This is 'normal life' for ADHDers. To us? It is incredibly dysfunctional!
Yup!
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
I'm there with you! I have some friends who tell me this is very WRONG and I can see why they would say so. HOWEVER after he has spent nearly 5K on his sports car (THIS YEAR ALONE) that still doesn't run right I sure as h*ll can spend a bit on myself without feeling guilty thank you very much!!!
Don't we all
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
want/need/deserve happy pills for this? I say this jokingly but in all honesty I've been seriously considering asking for them as well...I just can't face the fact that I've come to this point.
Don't get it
Submitted by boilergirl on
So, a particular outside activity has caused issues in our lives. You either hyperfocus on it and forget about your actual work for the business you are trying to build (and therefore are not supporting your family finacially) or do nothing with it for several months and I have to deal with the questions from people. You constantly bitch about not getting enough help and that the people that do help don't do it right. This activity has caused us to be late to a marriage retreat, me late to work, and your child (who supposedly this is for) to almost miss a major event because you were to busy helping other kids. Yet, after I have shared my frustrations with you about it, you tell me that staying with it is "the right thing to do" and get agitated that I would dare try to make you quit. If you are getting no joy out of this (and with all of the complaining you do, I don't know how you could be) and know it is causing these issues, why on earth would you continue it???
slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
You know you are well-versed in the signs of your own particular AD/HD marriage when you can ascertain the severity of a random couple in public with strong indicators of ADHD. As the non-ADD spouse, I have spotted similar couples with the same dynamics as ours -- at school functions, at big box stores, in our home, at the mall.
Those most similar to my AD/HD experience, there is a flurry of activity from the ADD spouse, and a non-ADD trying to just go with the flow in public, with an undercurrent of quiet desperation, being the following and accommodating spouse, but never fully an equal partner of the ADD relationship.
(I had a pivotal dream recently which I need to work through and it involves returning to truth and simplicity with my inner life, thus freeing myself of the tyranny of frustration and anger.... )
oblivious
Submitted by boilergirl on
So, I have to tell your kids we can't afford day camp for them this summer, but I see you bought 3 f-ing trees for our yard which I already vetoed. And, oh look, there is a second rubbermaid shed being built. None of these things were discussed with me and you clearly hid them when you came back from the store. So, when my son asks why we aren't going to an amusement park this summer, I will be sure to point out the shed, trees, and countless other crap from the home improvement store you selfishly bought.
slug on July 4 weekend
Submitted by copingSAH on
I can't get him to see it. Instead of enjoying the July 4 fireworks with his family, he's running through the house screaming that he's late to the laundromat (he forgot to shut the lid to the washer). It is 9:30 PM and he decides to take this moment of all days to do laundry and screech like a lunatic.
This phrase came to mind:
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. - John Lennon
Attention Please
Submitted by jennalemon on
Slug (no - a realization) for the day: WE ALL NEED ATTENTION AND CONNECTION!!!!! Not just want.....NEED!!!!
Mother of two:/
Submitted by lauren07 on
My husband/ex is always going to need his hand held when it comes to parenting, housework, and other responsibilities:/
me: I've been up to my
Submitted by copingSAH on
me: I've been up to my eyeballs with kitchen chores today. hey, did you know xxx needs a diaper change?
spouse: (sitting in front of TV) you never said anything about changing a diaper.
Me: Ok, would you please
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
Me: Ok, would you please change the baby's diaper?
You: Where are the diapers?
Sighhhhh......by the time you finish - the kid will have a rash!
I thought it was bad
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
the other day I asked my spouse to get out a pot to boil water...
"where are the pots?"
*smh*
Mine once "lost" his large
Submitted by lauren07 on
Mine once "lost" his large stack of work shorts because he threw some dirty jeans over them.
Bad...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
LOL! :)))
slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
This morning I was asked not to talk to him because it was too early.
Later in the morning was asked not to talk to him because it was his time for a break.
Then find out this restaurant I've been trying to convince him to try ... has just been burned to the ground.... (let's see can it get better or worse)
Then asks questions which gets thrown back in my face because he's not happy with answer.
And then oh my goodness.... why ever should I become frustrated at trying to accommodate him and the other AD/HD members in my family unit /sarcasm
frustrated angry and depressed
Abandoned
Submitted by Standing on
I'm somewhat attracted to the
Submitted by lauren07 on
I'm somewhat attracted to the delivery guy at work. Last Fri he told me he might be out this week. I told him I was taking a road trip next weekend. I told him I was leaving Thurs and coming back Mon. Today he asked me how my trip went. Um, it's THIS weekend. Red flag!! lol
honestly??
Submitted by julie jay on
right now, this moment, not always, i feel like Robin Williams must have felt in the last minutes...i'm just. so. TIRED.
I understand.
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
I understand.
Even when ADD spouse says he
Submitted by copingSAH on
Even when ADD spouse says he's sorry, he's not really sorry:
"I'm sorry - I couldn't help it."
(coming home 2 hours late from the bar, after promising to take us out. Originally told us he was going for a walk and would be back in 15 minutes)
We've been separated for two
Submitted by lauren07 on
We've been separated for two years. I'm currently living with him and his parents, LOL, but it's not half bad. I say to him, "I'm going to karaoke tonight". He says, "On a Thursday?" Geez, we're over 30 yrs old over here! Why not a Thurs? Why even ask? Geez. Get out more yourself and maybe you wouldn't be so damn miserable. I'm making the most out of having people at home with my child. I've been stuck inside for over four years now!!
slug.
Submitted by copingSAH on
slug.
you know it's a pretty weird relationship when your ADD spouse asks you where you got that "blemish" on your arm from.
What's even weirder is that he was there when you sustained 2nd degree burns on your arm recently.
But he doesn't remember it. And never asked about it either.
The memory loss is the worst!
Submitted by lauren07 on
The memory loss is the worst! It's like mine doesn't even know me:/
one big happy family
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband, who spends almost 100% of the time living with his parents, for whom he provides some care, was home last week for a day to see our younger daughter. I acted cheerful and was conversational, as was my husband. One would never know that when he's at his parents' home (all day, every day, probably 350 days of the year), he never calls me, never initiates an email, rarely responds to an email, and, when I call him, doesn't say his name or anything else (e.g., "Hello") when he first picks up the phone.
Sometimes, I think it would
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
Sometimes, I think it would be much better to live apart. It is so tiring and so hard, I see NO advantage to being married. I do not recommend marriage at all......live together - see how it goes. I love it when my husband has to travel for work because then, I can BREATHE. He will call everyday and tell me in minute detail everything that has happened, but I avoid telling him about my day. He gets bored, says I 'explain' too much......so I just say that I didn't do anything.....or nothing exciting.
Ditto
Submitted by sickandtired on
My BF will do the exact same thing. Don't ever ask him how he's doing, or you will have to stand there for at least 45 minutes while he goes into excruciating detail about what a crappy day he's having, but if I try to tell him something, he has no patience, and he will talk over me, or try to finish my sentence with something that is not what I was going to say. He can dish it out, but he can't take it..."Get to the point", he says. It's like living in Bizarro World :(
Bozo the clown
Submitted by lauren07 on
So he left his parent's party to go fishing at the lake. He took our son with NO LIFE JACKET. This is a rule. This is UNACCEPTABLE. I pray my child survives having this idiot as a father.
And HOW MANY TIMES do I have to remind him to take him potty. He's always surprised when there's a shit in his underwear. Duh?! You never remember to make him go after dinner. You never remember PERIOD. FU
I love the title.
Submitted by copingSAH on
I love the title.
My children's father will leave exposed extension cords all around the house.
Drop peanuts by accident but not pick them up, or leave peanut dust all over the empty bowls he leaves on the counter KNOWING that our son is deathly allergic to peanuts. The rule is, put the bowl straight into dishwasher when not in use. I do not even think he knows how to use an Epi-Pen on his son.
Just can't get him to learn about the Epi-Pen let alone listen to anything without him running his mouth off about what he knows or something completely off-tangent...
Lol. I was feeling that title
Submitted by lauren07 on
Lol. I was feeling that title.
But peanuts around a child who is deathly allergic?! Holy ish!!!!! I would be gone!!
another symptom - the know it all syndrome
Submitted by sickandtired on
My BF does this, too. He can't be quiet long enough to learn anything from someone that is trying to teach him anything, because he thinks he knows it all...then, if the person trying to teach him something gets a little frustrated, my BF interprets their frustration (that HE caused by being rude and not listening) as BULLYING from them....always the victim...always. No wonder he hated school.
Tired of it all.
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
On Facebook, a friend of my husband asked if anyone was still playing Star Wars TheOld Republic (mmo game that husband is addicted to and neglects his family because it takes priority). Husband responds that he and a couple of others are still playing it and gives the server info, characters etc all happily. I feel like responding "sure Husband has plenty of time now that he has happily shucked the responsibility of his marriage and family to peruse his true love of bar hoping, smoking and gaming! Have a great time!" He is clueless at how callous it is for him to throw it in my face like that. He finally kicked the gaming habit last year and then it sucked him in again. He admitted and acknowledged that it was detrimental and harmful to our relationship, but as long as he is "on his own" (ie living I a friends spare room, drinking and smoking his money away while carry the load of the house on my own) he is gonna play his game.
I am so tired of the lies. So tired of all the shit he says when he pretends to be doing things to work on our marriage and on himself when what he really does is run to his game.
Here's why
Submitted by lauren07 on
"Why am I not good enough for you?"
Because I expect BETTER for my child!
Lauren, I hear you!!
Submitted by dweeb on
Lauren, your anger is so akin to mind it's like we're married to the same man! I've connected on every post you've written so far. I feel for you. *hugs*
I escaped the madness
Submitted by lauren07 on
II haven't felt the need to read new posts in months.
My ex and I are coparenting wonderfully. Moving to his home city was the best decision I ever made. He still gets on my nerves sometimes lol, but he has really been great for the most part. He seems to be a great dad without me to throw his responsibilities on. He has his whole support system here. I'm building mine, but honestly, he is part of it. I am very thankful for it, but believe I deserve it for moving to the snowiest place in America lol.
That marriage and relationship brought out the worst in me. It was so painful. I am still angry at times. I have hang ups.
I feel for those who can see no way out
Lauren :)
Submitted by Standing on
I'm so glad to read your happy news :) Merry Christmas to you and your son!
I'm out of the madness for almost a month now. No more jaw clenching, no migraines, good nights' sleep... it is wonderful.
I'm working on forgiveness now and it gets easier, the farther out I get. Thanks for posting again!
Thank you;)
Submitted by lauren07 on
Thank you;)
I'm very happy for you too! It is such a relief to get away from it;)
Have a wonderful Christmas and a brighter New Year!!
COMMUNICATE!
Submitted by boilergirl on
So, dh just had a hissy because we have "once again, wasted another weekend with no plans." This is a common issue with him, yet when you ask him what he wants to do, he doesn't know. On Saturday morning I asked him what his plans were for the weekend. He said nothing. That would have been the time to say, "I would like to plan a family activity." But, he didn't. So now on Labor Day at noon, after DS asked he'd mind if I took him to the comic book store because I had promised I would a long time ago, he says it is fine. Yet 5 minutes later, he is muttering and slamming dishes around. Then comes the pissiness of nothing being planned (directed at me, as though he is incapable of doing this) and it has been this way for the last 10 or 15 years (we have been married 14). I said "Well, it is only noon, so let's take a bike ride to the park or something." nope, it is too late, he says.
I decided that my new mantra is "I am not responsible for the happiness of anyone but my own." I cannot read DH's mind. I do not know what will make him happy. And it is not my job to make him happy. If he does not communicate his wants and needs, I cannot possibly anticipate them. He is a 38 year old man who works from home and has ample time to look up ideas for activities. yet, when nothing is communicated about planning, we all have to deal with his anger. I am over it.
Well said!
Submitted by Standing on
And thank you. Me, too!
I have the same problem....
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
I have the same problem.....never has any plan, or ideas on what he'd like to do, BUT also doesn't really like my ideas. If he does happen to get an idea, I have to arrange and work out ALL of the logistics. Same with food shopping - when I ask what he would like (for snacks - I plan the dinners) he never knows or will say nothing.......until I get home and then after dinner he is looking for snacks - then slams doors and drawers cuz there is nothing in !!?? Really? I don't even bother to ask....I just keep things in the house so there will be no tantrums....at least over snacks any way.
slug.
Submitted by copingSAH on
I'm trying to get ready for our son's back to school party.
me: can you help me move the dining table in front of the curio cabinet. I think it will be safer with all the teens over.
ADD: we could move a chair there instead. (watching TV for third day in row)
me: I don't think that's any safer, someone might lean back on the glass cabiniet
ADD: we could move a soft chair instead.
*repeats back and forth and ADD will NOT agree to move table*
me: *goes and moves the table by myself* despite my heart condition
ADD: you have to run the show again, as usual. you did it, so what's the problem?
I am so sick of the dysfunctional mentality of my husband. Everything I say is a direct order, nothing I say or state is ever respected!
The fact that he says I'm always in charge is ridiculous-- we have been ordered by him that the *family* living room - which he has usurped as his man cave - is off limits to EVERYONE for the party. So no TV, no music, nobody on the couch. Nobody in that room. Everyone is crammed into the dining room. And he is saying I am running the show??! Is he serious!!?
I do not believe it is just ADD. I believe it is years of ADD thinking like this and getting everyone pissed off and then having to talk in roundabout ways that is causing such immense dysfunction. He doesn't lie. He speaks "untruths". He doesn't say "okay/yes". To him, he just didn't say "no." Plus my accommodating him before I realized I was going crazy due to ADD -- caused worsening rigid thinking. The older he's getting, the angrier he gets at any perceived statement -- it is a direct and threatening order. I see this in our autistic child.... every new food I present to him in the gentlest way possible is greeted with such disgust (sensory and rigidness). Combined with husband and child... it's just too much and the other child who bears the weight of all the resulting anger and frustration on my end.
I'm sorry for that. I don't want to hurt my other child with this upset.
just don't know why the ADD blames me for wanting to do things. And it's always such a double standard when it comes to him doing things his way.
But he shall be the hero at his son's party. He shall swing open the living room doors on his own terms and invite the teens to his man cave and he will be their hero. At his son's party.
He called me a bully. When I
Submitted by lauren07 on
He called me a bully. When I told him I needed to rent the apartment down the road because staying with him and his Mom was making me want to leave the state, he called me a bully. That I use leaving him as a bully tactic to control him. No, it's just a fact. Just Saturday, he told me he'd help me move. I talk about looking for a place to live, but when I find one ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!
Then he chases my car out of the driveway (yelling), takes the $2,500 max out of the bank, and insists I give his Mom my carseat when I get home after looking at my new apt.
NOW, who is the bully?
The heartbreaking thing to
Submitted by copingSAH on
The heartbreaking thing to hear is that your spouse isn't doing anything different to change himself or to give you the respect that is part of every functional marriage. We are talking about our spouses who took the vow to love and respect. Somehow along the way they decided nothing will be worked on together, it's always apart, or against. I wish you strength to help you get your center and identity back and balance the relationship scales.
semi slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
ADD: tell son to be at bike shop after 2:30
spouse: why don't you call him when you're leaving the bank? That way you'll meet up without rushing.
ADD: no I won't. why should I have to. Don't tell me how it should be.
spouse: ok. I demand that you don't call him. I insist you do not call him. He'll be there after 2:30.
ADD: son --I'll call you when I'm done at the bank (calls him later)
spouse: *sad chuckle*
play it by ear slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
Spouse never agrees to do anything with us despite us all REQUESTING to take a family walk and a bike ride on a free Sunday.
His only response is always, "Let's play it by ear." How is "playing it by ear" any kind of definitive answer? So when every one decides to take off and do their thing, his demand is that we should all be around for when HE is ready to do something.
There have been times when he makes plans for us WITHOUT HIM and he expects us to go along with it. For example. A day trip he plans in detail WITHOUT HIM and we're on our own after he drops us off at the train station. Who the hell does this? I guess someone who assumes we'll "play it by ear."
Our son is getting smart to this nonsense. Son started to makes his own life experiences with other male role models instead of waiting for a father who can't meet him halfway because it's always a non-answer: "let's (me) play it (your life) by ear.... " now if only I could be as smart as my son...
play it by ear. BUT ... !
Submitted by Standing on
Bingo! I have learned more from my two youngest (his step-kids) than from any other resource. BUT then... during a recent visit from my daughter, the kids and I planned an afternoon meal at a restaurant. We had to meet specifically at 3 pm, since my son had to go to work afterward. I told my husband about the plan and said, "you could join us, if you would like." He got busy at work (I was there with him, too), and so I left at the appointed time, reminding him that my son's work schedule dictated this schedule. My husband never did show up and that was okay with the rest of us, since this outing did not revolve around him and I knew that he could have broken away from work if he had chosen to do that. BUT later, I heard all about it... and his problem with me was: "You didn't tell me that you WANTED me to be there." So my words were wrong. I wounded him. I invited him to join "if YOU would LIKE", instead of centering my entire experience of the occasion around his presence. I was not crushed when he didn't show up. Bad, bad me.
Not to mention he'll have all
Submitted by copingSAH on
Not to mention he'll have all the time in the world for you when you're thanking him profusely. But if he's not interested, you're not supposed to open your mouth. My spouse literally drowned me out tonight because he didn't want anyone to talk to him but himself -- spending several minutes cutting me off repeatedly -- over something that would have taken 15 seconds for me to say (and it was actually an affirmation but he got it into his head he was going to hear condemnation).
He mentioned his manager was going through marriage counseling and I was going to say -- even though we were set in our ways we manage to find a point to compromise and forgive -- ironically, this was the moment he decided to shut me down. (it honestly feels like suicide by slow death)
I can't remember the last loving conversation where I was allowed to finish a thought or sentence -- if he hears me referring to our marriage, he completely gets offended. I can't help but feel he learned this behavior from his upbringing. It's another generation, and different conventions back then... I never thought my own contemporary would take on the mindset from that generation. Is this ADD?
The thing I struggle with is that the day before, he brought me a trinket to show his appreciation. Then today, I'm to be seen but not heard.
:-(
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I am so sorry. I kinda have the opposite issue. My husband tunes me out. He has left me, but we still meet at the counseler and talk about formal things like the house or the dogs. He hears me, but no reaction. Rarely do I get any feedback other than "I need to think about it" or "I need to process this", so I give him the time to do that, but then nothing ever comes back my way as far as feedback or response or anything.
Breaks my heart. he doesnt do this to other people. I assume at this point that he has shut himself off to me and is moving on. I dont have anything else to go on. He is living large with all his good friends who have always mattered more than me. I am the one in the silent, lonely house with no one to talk to... in a state I am not from. I moved here for him.
I love him, and I know that 90% of what I am dealing with is more than the ADHD, but I feel your pain as the end sum is the same. The neglect, the dismissal, the being ignored etc. I am so sad that I can hardly function and just want to take medicine and sleep.
I feel sometimes my spouse
Submitted by copingSAH on
I feel sometimes my spouse will just get on by just fine with friends and mostly acquaintances if he had the chance. I have felt that if I were to leave or pre-decease, chances are the mourning period would barely exist because he would be able to fill his days up with chatting it up with strangers, etc., that's what seems to give him the stimulation he craves. In hindsight, I was just a replacement for the death of his mother... he convinced me to move in with him the month after his mother's death. I think it is somewhat easy to replace people for him.
Incidentally I'm taking mood stabilizers, blood pressure meds as well as painkillers. Most of my pain and aches seem to stem from depression. I think if things were different, I likely would not need any medication. What helps is coming to the forum and getting all negativity off my chest. Plus visiting other people who have clarity of thought -- it really helps center and ground me, reminder that I'm not that stupid or insane.
easily move on
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I've often felt this too. It's often occurred to me how easy it seems my husband would be able to move on if God forbid, anything happen to me. He did this when he had his affair, and I was horribly devastated at his ease of leaving me behind. When I was deathly ill and the doctors were unsure if I would survive, I was so scared he was going to put me away in a rehab place and then never come back. It's hard to tell HOW he feels because he never SAYS, and the emotional disconnection we have has always scared me in a way. After loving my husband with all my heart and wanting to LIVE my wedding vows, it seemed to strange that a spouse would stay so physically and emotionally separate and live their lives SO disconnected from the one they "say" they love. It's been something I've hated to have to admit to myself..... that I am easily replaceable. It sure is a blow to my inner self, and has made me feel so bad ABOUT myself.
In hindsight, what I didn't
Submitted by copingSAH on
In hindsight, what I didn't realize were the very first things my dh told me about himself were beyond the ordinary: he told me instant gratification was important to him -- I thought he meant if he needed a video game, he will get the video game. I thought I understood the need for leisure and figured that was healthy enough vice. But it turned out way different. Instant gratification includes ignoring his family when he needs to enjoy his videos....hobbies...obsessions....
Worth posting for you again...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Well ladies, I am 58 and I have read many of your posts and could not stay quiet another minute. Thirty years and six adult children later, I've been there and done ALL of that. No magic pill exists, no being "more attractive", there is no amount of "being a better mom" "tidier housekeeper" or a "better, less nagging wife", that will touch this issue. No amount of "understanding" or "meds" for you will change your spouse. I even went so far as to have 14 ECT treatments! Doesn't work unless he wants to change or even has a clue how crazy his ADHD is making you! I even get SSD over it because I am now THAT dysfunctional. Hospitalizations, a myriad of diagnoses and the docs keep giving me all the meds when if he would work on (or even recognize) his own ADHD issues - much (not all) of my 20 years of life with psychiatric care and every med known to the planet would likely have been much less or perhaps never happened; if the doctors had taken him aside and diagnosed HIM, too. Instead, it was me who took on the responsibility of EVERY problem (like a depressed person expects themselves to) because it was me who couldn't handle it. What were my problems were mine and what were his own, were mine, too.
He will not accept ANY responsibility and to change when I showed him my response to you (after I, personally have gone through 20 years of therapy, meds, hospitals, and ECT), his response to me was this--just minutes ago: "You seem to be indicating that you have no issues at all and it’s me and my ADHD that has generated all your issues?" Really? I guess we'll never know since he won't get any treatment now--will we?
Hence, my life will go on as it has now for all these years...because he can come up with ANY excuse for him not to see a need for self- introspection. Therapy, for all it's costs, will give you listening ear and maybe some coping skills. However, psych meds for yourselves are not the answer; because meds you ingest will never change his ADHD. In addition, they were NEVER meant for long term use. Please, look into their warnings on the labels. I have had nearly every one and their side effects, including Tardive Dysconesia (from one med) and fecal incontinence from 15 years of Prozac. Both are healed now but for 50% of those who get it from a medication, TD can be an extreme muscle movement disorder sufferers will endure FOR LIFE! There is NO treatment or cure for TD even after you stop the offending med.
Resigned2B
Submitted by Standing on
Standing...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Thank you for your kind words. I'm too old, have no money, no family to go to, no skills to earn a living. We have six grown kids with 7 grandchildren. I'm not exactly in a position to do anything but pray.
There's no ADHD in Heaven. That's where we're headed next!
Good luck to you. You sound like you're headed for a better life without him!
Dear one, i am 54
Submitted by Standing on
I guarantee - you will feel 10 years younger, at least, the moment you give up feeling resigned.
No mention is made of those who resign themselves to waiting for heaven to enjoy life and there can be no satisfying closure when dealing with people who refuse to abandon their darkness! You absolutely must choose to stop trying to make him see. Then you will be free, no matter where you are. Truly, if i can do it, anyone can.
Dear One...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
I am 'resigned' NOT to making him see anything. I am 'resigned' to him never changing, never understanding, never meeting my needs, never remembering, never cleaning the garage, never doing or being anywhere on time, never doing anything that means a lot to me, never romancing me, never having a true partner.
I am 'resigned' that his things will ALWAYS overrun mine. That our children will always see him as the true hero, that he will never tell me the truth about our finances and that he will always be more in love with his action novels and guns than he will ever be with me... I am 'resigned' that he will always seek the hype of things and events that I can, in no way, ever compete with...
I am 'resigned' that to him, I will always be an afterthought... Someone that drags him down with 'stirring the oatmeal' of life. In other words, REAL LIFE... I am 'resigned' that he simply does not want to live in 'real life' and that ANYTHING is more exciting than I am... Or than ANY wife could EVER be...
I am 'resigned' that no woman on the planet will ever be the three-ring-circus that he must have to survive...
I have no delusions that he will EVER understand...
I'm sorry, Resigned2B
Submitted by Standing on
Your post hit me so hard, last night, in a - No, No, don't give up on yourself!! kind of way.
I misunderstood your mention of having showed him your post.
What you have written here is exactly how I feel about my own spouse. I have many regrets, but also much determination to not be consumed by them. I am coming to terms with forgiving him for what he is and, at the same time, trying to forgive my own weakness and immaturity. Growing up is hard to do and certainly has taken me an inordinately long time.
Please accept my apology for presuming to tell you what you must do, I recognize that I was really speaking to myself. Nighttimes can be rough. New rule for self- only post during light of day :) Thanks again!
Standing...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Standing,
You have no need to apologize! I understand completely.
There is a little hope. This morning, for the first time in YEARS, my husband kissed me goodbye before he left for work. My adult children standing there nearly fainted!
;)
:) You have connected
Submitted by Standing on
Thank you, dear Resigned2B. You have made my day :)
I Take My Hat Off to You Resigned2B
Submitted by kellyj on
...and bow to your strength and courage because you've got it . I'm 57 and I'm the one with ADHD. Reading these last post inspired and humbled me thinking.....the only difference between your husband and I (hoping) is in your last sentence in that I think I do or at least I'm pretty close to understanding at least within my own marriage..... and because of that I"m trying to do everything I can but still have my work cut out for me. Your husband should be thanking you and I encourage you to show him this post.
I have an interesting perspective here that appears as a minority that being.....having been married before and then starting over vs fighting to stay in the same marriage for many years without that experience. I can easily see where I would be right now and what things would be like and I'd have to admit that I'd probably be like most the husbands I read about in this forum who haven't been smacked up side the head hard enough to get it.
After reading your post I cannot feel anything but resolve not to be like the your husband (or others) I read about here....that's what I am trying very hard not to let happen. I know that's not much consolation for you but there's more I wanted to say. The conclusion that I have had to come to in my own thinking about myself is this:
I will never not have ADHD. It's probably unrealistic for me to think that at least on some level.....the best I could hope for is to manage it well enough not to have the effect on my wife ( or anyone else) to the degree that I read in these post which means I have to completely honest with my self and then be completely honest and open with my wife without sounding like I'm giving up or not going to try anymore. That's where it starts falling apart and I know this all too well. If I could muster the same strength and courage you've shown with your husband towards doing things differently and managing my ADHD better ( more consistently for me that's my real issue right now) I think I might just accomplish my goal.
The question that remains to be seen and is not contingent on my effort level or my personal commitment to my wife is this: when I've done everything that is in my power to do and have given it my best shot.......how will she feel then?
I can see clearly that when we get into it......it's usually when I start tell her things she does not want to hear.......that ultimately, she's not going to get everything she wants meaning: under the best of circumstance and with all of my efforts included...there is a point of diminishing returns and that's about as good as it gets. I can tell when this starts to happen because it's when she stops listening...stops listening by filtering out the parts she does not want to hear or diverts it to something else. I've found by not getting defensive and letting the conversation go for the time being....it will resurface later when she's had time to process it on her own and I have to live with whatever she's angry about until she can do this. That's the compromise I've learned to live with and am understanding to be more appreciative in light of what she has to compromise on her side too. That's really what I've come to learn her anger is all about.....the anger of giving up some things for being with a person who has ADHD. I do my best to make it up in other ways without giving up too much. It's a fine line sometimes at it's very best!
I see you there now with your husband and wish he would be more responsive but I commend you for it anyway. I wish I could say something wonderful to make it better for you but there's not much I could say coming from the other side. The one thing that IS obvious to me is your strength and your courage and that is what is an inspiration to me.... to not make the same mistakes and succeed in my goal.. I wish I could smack your husband up side his head like I've had done to me so he could understand at least this much.
Your post had this effect on me and I just wanted you to know that. Thanks
J
J this statement was and still can be an issue for me....
Submitted by c ur self on
(That's really what I've come to learn her anger is all about.....the anger of giving up some things for being with a person who has ADHD. I do my best to make it up in other ways without giving up too much. It's a fine line sometimes at it's very best!)
Ouch! This is convicting...I don't know how many non-adder's have this reality at the heart of their discontent and anger...But, as soon as I read it...I new! Your comment: (without giving up to much) mad me laugh, and took me back to another comment you made a month or so ago about a book, hmm forgot now...Maybe the "Art of War" or something like that? anyway, again you have given me food for thought and shined some light into a dark place...
And if you say you "want"
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
And if you say you "want" them there then you are being too bossy or demanding. My husband seems to get upset and moody (jealous?) when I have fun without him or if he is with us but not the one who is the center of attention.
I think my marriage to my
Submitted by copingSAH on
I think my marriage to my spouse is going to end up resorting to my writing notes to him to read when he has time. There's never any time in the here and now.
I have found that I am better
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
I have found that I am better off writing notes - at least then he can't say that I didn't tell him something. He'll still complain, but I will feel better
Why didn't I open the package??!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I walk through the door last night and there's a package sitting right inside the front door. I see it is unopened and addressed to my husband and it's from L.L. Bean. I ignore it and don't say anything. I go shower and putter around. About an hour later I say "There's this package out here addressed to you. Why haven't you opened it?" Of course I get a snarky reply. He says "I know I know! It's from my Mom. I WAS waiting for YOU to open it, but since you aren't going to I guess I have to!" Okay 1) It's addressed to YOU! Why would I open a package addressed to you? My name wasn't on it. and 2) There's no sign that it's from your Mom. It says it's from LL Bean so I have no idea how you know it's from her! He gets all exasperated and goes and gets a knife to open the package. Not just any knife but the EXACT same knife he gave me attitude for using a few weeks ago when I used it to open a package. He said "I REALLY wish you wouldn't use the good knives to do that. It just dulls them". This is the second time in 2 weeks I've seen him use that very same knife himself to open packages!
by the time
Submitted by Standing on
My wife wants to trade sex for having her way!
Submitted by c ur self on
I can do this...Lord you can do this...YES.....
I WISH
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
My husband would make me this offer!!!!! (To a certain extent lol)
Or even if I could offer this! He wouldn't be interested =(
same thing happens here.
Submitted by copingSAH on
same thing happens here.
He complained I dry my towels over the shower bar and made a bit of big deal explaining how it bothered him. For the last several years he has been drying his bath towels over the shower bar. Every morning I have to take it down when I tidy in there.
Mention it to him and he goes, "really. I can't recall having a problem with it."
Obviously not, when he's doing it now!! Yeesh.
slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
It was agreed that we were going to divvy up the steak to go with our salad.
I come down later to get a few slices of steak only to find ADD has eaten THE ENTIRE STEAK (nearly 1lb).
WTH.
ADD's response? "Why didn't YOU divvy it up beforehand??" Deflection time...........................................
Busted
Submitted by boilergirl on
We have one car. DH "works" from home, so generally I have the car for my job. The other day, he drove me to work b/c he needed the car to pick something up. Oh, he did that, but he also went golfing. My neighbor, who is normally at work but was home early with a sick kid that day, mentioned that he should golf with her DH since mine likes to golf. She said she saw him pulling golf clubs out of the car that day. Nice. Couldn't fit in that trip to the grocery store, but glad you could get that in. I didn't say anyting to him. Passive aggressive me is holding that one in, along with the $115 hiking boots he bought this summer without discussing it with me, for future refernce.
Slug
Submitted by copingSAH on
What should have been a 30-second conversation turned into a 15-minute lesson in futility. ADD spent the entire time deflecting, talking in circles in response to something I was essentially BACKING HIM UP with.
i really need to learn to just walk away as soon as I state an obvious and affirmative comment. I get sucked into a vortex of confusion and logic disorienting madness!!!
SERIOSULY?!?
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
I JUST NOW realize this is yet ANOTHER ADD thing...thank you!
AND HE blames ME for things getting blown up and arguments/disagreements getting dragged out REALLY?!!?!?
This is starting to happen a
Submitted by lauren07 on
This is starting to happen a lot with my ex.
Or I will state something and he will say "or how about this..... and it will literally be the exact same thing I just said.
Every conversation seems to leave me scratching my head and we barely see each other.
parrot like a parrot
Submitted by sickandtired on
My BF does this too...I will say something, and about 3 seconds later, he will say the exact same thing, with identical inflection and all, like it was all HIS idea. I have even said to him "You realize I just said that same thing word for word right before you did, don't you?" He says he didn't hear me, and doesn't know what I mean........OMG that is maddening!!!!
Mirroring
Submitted by kellyj on
I think this is mirroring....not in a good way either. Normal mirroring of another person is used as feedback for empathy. A person with a character disorder mirrors to get their bearings of who they are and to copy you. It's more just mimicking you and what you do in order to navigate you without really connecting with you and your feelings. It's more just soaking up what you do like a sponge and regurgitating it back to you as if it is actually coming from them. Yes! This is really frustrating!
My former employer use to do this all the time. You would come to him and tell him a problem and a solution and he would appear to ignore you or not really respond to you. The next day or so....he would announce a change in policy to fix and problem as if it was his idea. Not that I card if I got credit for this since at least the problem was fixed that was affecting everyone but.....it was so weird how this always happened this way. No matter what he would say ....it was always his idea with no connection to where he came up with it. No memory, source, reference or context. Just...."I have an idea." What was really weird is that he would come to you and tell you your idea to you as if you had never heard of such a thing before and you knew he was not trying to be funny or facetious with you and was dead serious.
That's how you knew. No cause and effect ability what so ever....just disjointed bits of information floating around in there with no memory of how they got there. Scary.
My ex-sister in law was another one who was like this. I made a witty (created totally in the moment) accidental pun that was really funny. Later....she made the same reference back to me saying .."we call this xxxx" as if this was something that she has used for years and was her own.
And who's this "we"....you have a turd in your pocket? Get your own damn funny puns! lol
J
through the looking glass
Submitted by sickandtired on
Thanks again J,
I really appreciate your insight into my BF's problems, because for me, I have lost perspective totally about what is normal, what is abuse, and what a committed person should reasonably expect from their partner. Being alone all day after he went to the new therapist gave me time out of the chaos for a while to assess myself and my input into this sad state of affairs we are in. I think maybe i will write a new post about it because it does not take long for me to start secon-guessing myself......am I a mean selfish person like he said? He said if I was simply just nicer to him, that he would treat me better "garbage in - garbage out", he said. I know it is not that simple, because I HAVE BEEN very nice to him....I just can't keep that up when he has been perpetually moody and always blaming me for everyday imperfections in his life, hurting over something in his past, like he talks about his parents and religion and an angry unfair god and death all the time, when there is no context in the conversation with me or others, he can always relate anything in his environment to their abuse/neglect, and then he goes into this hours long, dismal rendition of his life script...I know it all too well, but he always starts with square one "my mother was very stressed when she was pregnant with me, so I was a nervous baby".....all the way to whatever present-day irritant he is facing. I can only dry his tears for so long before I start crying myself. He never came back from the therapist, I don't even know if he showed up, and he did not text or let me know if he is still staying in the vacation house. I have this urge to contact him, to make sure he is all right and has not overdosed or shot himself, or jumped off a nearby cliff as he has threatened so many times, saying he looks forward to death, wishing his mother had aborted him......... but I know I should just leave him alone, and start working on me getting healthy again, instead of letting him drag me down further into his bleak dark world.
Thanks so much for your perspective, J. I admire you because I can see you are trying so much, and not using your diagnosis as an excuse to take your resentments out on your wife. It takes courage to admit you have this disease, and do the hard work it takes to strive toward peace and harmony and mental health.
Thank You For the Vote of Confidence
Submitted by kellyj on
But....I will let you in on a little secret.....courage has nothing to do with it. I was lucky in many respects but that in itself is not the reason behind it. I made a discovery quite by accident out of the fear of abandonment that your BF is living with on a daily basis. I am not (or was not) special in any way growing up and was told in many times that I did not live up to other people expectations and that could have gone wrong in so many ways. I did however, want to have friends and not be left out more than my fear and this pushed me to do things I might not have done. I was lucky in respect that I found a couple of things that I was pretty good at doing and one of them was swimming. I loved to swim when I was really young and my mother...God bless her....found a local swim team in the same pool near our home where I took lessons. My mother knew nothing about sports or swimming but she did see how much I enjoyed it so she asked me if I wanted to swim some more.(I was 6 at the time) This was fate stepping in at that moment since the coach that ran the private club was a very special person. I think it only takes one of these in some ones life to make a difference and he was that person for me. All I needed was someone to believe in me and he was that person. I wasn't particularly athletic but.....I was hyper and had tons of energy!
The discovery that I made was this.....once I was on the team I made a number of long time friends (to this day) that were there everyday to be with and share our time together. The worst thing you could have done to me was to pull me away from my friends (that fear of abandonment) and by the time I was 13 or 14....they were pulling away from me and getting faster than I was. This caused some of the most painful moments I can remember since they got to go to meets and went places I had not qualified for by times. The only solution there was to get faster. I would have done anything to be with my friends and I had to struggle a lot to improve since I was a late bloomer and was not particularly strong either compared to them since they were growing beards and getting deeper voices and I still sounded like Mickey Mouse. I was however.....entertaining and funny and found lots of fun ways to get into trouble. That seemed to be my niche. lol
One time.....after smearing honey on the toilet seats in the men's rest room during one meet (my own devious passive aggressive invention thank you)....our coach walked up to our entire team where we were placed to rest in between races (this out of hundreds of competitors and dozens of teams) and didn't say "did any of you put honey on the toilet seats in the men's John?"...he said.... "which one of you put honey on the toilet seats in the mens John" because he knew it had to be one of us and primarily....me. I raised my hand and he silently (without saying a word) took me over to introduce me to one of my victims...the meanest, badass most feared coach of all and one of his contemporaries from the best team in the state. I was petrified. This gentleman took me inside the pump room and closed the door behind him and said "so...you think it's pretty funny putting honey on toilet seats huh? If this ever happens again....I'll come find YOU and first....make you lick it off the toilet seat and then make you lick it off my ass!" He then proceeded to walk back out onto the pool deck where my coach was sitting and as I followed him....he shoved me back inside the pump room, turned out the light and close the door behind him leaving me standing there in pitch blackness in front of the door. I stood there still petrified and heard him tell my coach that I would put back out as soon I came too." I knew I had to walk back out there eventually...so I slowly opened the door and peaked outside. I saw my coach and coach X busting a gut in laughter until coach x saw me and gave me "the look" again for just a second....my coach couldn't speak he was laughing so hard. Touche! I slunk off in abject humiliation but at the same time was laughing at them and trying not to smile at the same time. This was how my coach dealt with moments like this. Instead of raging in anger and punishing you severely....he had the gift for turning things back on you in a very healthy way that really hit the mark. Most other coaches would have suspended you for something like this...including coach x. Not him....he dealt with me in a way that only served to make me work harder for him and respect him more and taught me more about human nature than I could have ever known otherwise. This is the kind of thing that he did consistently tough out my toughest times since he knew that I was there for a reason and that was to swim as hard as I could.
So after 11 years of starting out on the :"B" squad and working my way up to the "A" squad so I could be with my friends and not be separate from them and never winning even one major race....something happened and it happened all at once. In one race I have been entered in at the middle of the pack....my usually position.....everything clicked and I set a new record (one that had stood for over 10 years) and found myself in first place. Several of the guys I beat had been beating me for years and everyone was kind of shocked.....including me! Later in that day....the relay team that I swam on also set a new record and I posted the fastest time of my life in that race. The next week....I broke it again and repeated this once again a few weeks later.
What I discovered from all of this was that persistence pays off and not to give up. I don't think I would have done this otherwise and it all started out from that same fear or abandonment and not wanting to be without my friends not to be recognized or even believing I could do that in the first place. I never would have imagined that this would have been possible.
All it took was for someone like my coach to believe in me enough and see my potential and treat me the same as everyone else to do this for me. That's why I am so very lucky. So now with anything like this.....it's less than having courage than it is just knowing that it possible to do things that are not possible. That's my little secret:)
Disease?....what the hell....bring it on! lol
J
role models
Submitted by sickandtired on
Wow, I wish my BF had someone in his life like your coach, to guide him in a way that did not alienate or humiliate him. His dad was the coach, so he was humiliated all the time in front of the other guys, and spent most of his time sitting on the bench because his dad let everybody know that his son was "not good enough". His dad was probably narcissistic or something, too, because he singled out BF (his only son) to be the scapegoat for all the problems in the family, including his dad's health problems and financial struggles, so there has been a lot of totally unfounded blaming going on in their family for a long time. I've never met his dad, but I find myself hating him, just like BF does. i think I mentioned before that BF has not visited or had any communication with his parents for over 20 years.
My dh loudly sang karaoke 50
Submitted by copingSAH on
My dh loudly sang karaoke 50 minutes straight in the car today, with no thought to the other four passengers in the car with him. When I asked him to lower his voice a little and turn down the radio since I ended up with a headache and our autistic child already has his headphones on to keep the noise out -- he tells me that there is a "RULE" that any driver has the right to listen to any music they wanted, however loud they wanted. I guess he has the right to be a complete ass whenever he wanted as well. He literally had no clue how selfish he was the entire drive. There were four other passengers and at no point were we given any chance to communicate in any appropriate way, nor be shown any courtesy.
I bet that you were the non
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
I bet that you were the non-fun, grumpy ones too
He had big plans for this life
Submitted by boilergirl on
A recent tirade of DH's was that I am comatose and do nothing. I tell people (or make them believe, not sure what he said) that he is a lazy sack of shit who stays home all day and does nothing. Umm, I don't have to tell people that. They can figure it out on their own. Plus, it is embarrassing. He screamed how he had big plans for this life. As if I am holding him back.
So, every night after working all day and then putting the kids to bed, I have to grade papers, plan, etc. for my class. He just goes straight to bed and watches tv. I think his quest to want to do something all the time (I never plan anything and life is just passing us by, he says) is to avoid work. He took DS to a football game at his alma mater on Sat. Dropped DS off at grandparents, got home at 9:00 and went straight up to bed. Did not get up until after 10:00. Went to the office store with me, then requested to get dropped off at home while I went elsewhere. I get home an hour later and he is back in bed. Gets up to go get the kids. Besides putting dinner in the crockpot, he did nothing else around the house this weekend. The yard hasn't been mowed in two weeks. Kids went to bed at 8:00, and so did he.
Just another day of surreal extremes
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
THIS MORNING 3 different students sent me unsolicited thank-you messages that brought me to tears. A young woman, who'd just left my office, texted how grateful she is to end every tutorial excited to ask herself hard questions that make her work better. A young man, who'd asked for an extension yesterday because his uncle just committed suicide, wrote that my kindness to him was something he would remember for the rest of his life. And then there was the boy who is now a semi-finalist for a $100,000 grant that will probably make his career--telling me, again, that he never would've dreamed to go for it without my encouragement
THIS AFTERNOON I accepted my estranged ADHD husband's offer of a ride to our son's soccer game. He arrived late, frazzled. He tried to read 3 pages of printed-out mapquest directions while driving, responding to my gasps with, "take the bus". Then he screamed "shutupshutupshutup" when I reacted and angrily announced he was "trying to be nice" by offering me a ride (shouted while speeding toward passengers in the crosswalk). Unlike a decade ago, I was out of the car at the next red light, before he brought me to tears.
TONIGHT I live with the knowledge that I am an inspiration to other people's kids. And that I missed seeing my son's first soccer goal of the season.
(((hugs)))
Submitted by copingSAH on
(((hugs)))
I'm so happy to hear you're able to stand up for yourself. Good step.
And yes, my dh also seemingly speeds towards passengers in the crosswalk or whomever he deems is in the wrong. I wish I had the strength to just get off and walk the rest of the way.
Thankyouthankyouthankyou
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
How kind of you to comment, SAH. Amazing how saying "no" to the most outrageous behavior...in the twisted reality we inhabit...can take so much courage. Maybe only another spouse in a similar situation can get that. And driving...or all the worrisome behaviors...it is his driving that I cannot come to grips with...to protest every time is to go to all-out war...to look the other way means I may someday have the blood of the innocent on my hands...am I over-reacting?...or underestimating the danger...?...is this my responsibility because he will not own the problem...? I have more ways to approach this issue than days of the week. Tried them all. Hate myself some days for being a coward and not taking steps to revoke his license...
Slug Box: Triple Header
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
1) I spent half an hour out in the cold, taking down as much of the trampoline as I can. H said he would come here and do so but he hasn't. It was messy and somewhat physically difficult for me to do the disassembly. One of many tasks that I've been left with when H decided to not do any household chores and spend all time with his parents.
2) I came inside and discovered a message on the answering machine. My mammogram results showed something and I have to return to the clinic for more pictures. I won't tell H because he lacks empathy and sympathy, except for himself; one of his most famous statements ever: "I can barely take care of myself."
3) I went out to get the mail. Included was a bill from my husband's mental health clinic. He still hasn't paid the bill from appointments two months ago. I sent him the reminder that came a month ago. Now I must decide, do I send him this reminder (and risk him not paying and putting our marital credit in danger) or do I pay the bill myself (thus enabling his irresponsibility)?
Rosered, I am praying for your health now
Submitted by Standing on
God bless and keep you.
Wish I had answers to the rest. Hugs!
Thank you, Standing. Since
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you, Standing. Since my initial minute of crying, I've calmed down. Part of my life's work has been taming my anxiety; another part has been getting through crises on my own. This situation will demand my best efforts on both fronts, and I think I'll rise to the challenge.
My pleasure, Rosered,
Submitted by Standing on
Still praying. Anxiety has plagued me always, as well. One step forward, followed by two back, it seems at times, but stronger each day, right?
You're not on your own, really. No doubt there are many caring folks who would gladly give you a hug and a shoulder. Living the way "we" have, it's easy to get trained into a pattern of utter self-sufficiency, but it's so much better to reach out for help. I love the book Safe People, by John Townsend.
People you don't know..
Submitted by sunlight on
To Your Health, RoseRed
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Dear RoseRed,
You have been so kind and generous (and insightful) a presence here. Thank you for being you. I must believe you are as loved in the real world, and that there are people ready to give you the comfort you deserve as you fight these health issues. Please reach out to them.
Sending you love...CJ
I don't feel anything anymore
Submitted by copingSAH on
I don't feel anything anymore. The ADD has finally broken me down.
I hear you
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Dear copingSAH, I understand exactly what you said. My husband's ADHD broke me down as well. I couldn't stand "strong" any more. With my body breaking down, and living in severe pain on a daily basis, I just don't have enough energy to deal with all the things I tried to handle before. Plus, I physically can't do a FRACTION of what I did before, which was SO MUCH. I did tell my husband that I learned to not want anything anymore, or "hope" for anything anymore, or to "dream" anymore, or to "desire" anything anymore. I spent so much energy involved with HIS life, that I lost my own.
coping SAH and dedelight4,
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
coping SAH and dedelight4,
I learned to not want anything anymore, or "hope" for anything anymore, or to "dream" anymore, or to "desire" anything anymore. I spent so much energy involved with HIS life, that I lost my own.
I don't feel anything anymore. The ADD has finally broken me down.
Not so very long I would have been agreeing with both of these statements, saying I felt exactly the same. I guess there has been a change in the wind for me, My dreams, my hopes, my desires are real. They no longer hinge on the functionality of my marriage. My marriage now hinges on how well my relationship works for me.
I no longer want to feel like a hostage. I no longer have the need to have my spouse acknowledge his poor behavior for me to "know" it is poor behavior' This determination is based according to my own levels of what things I am willing to accept. Maybe it is not the same as any one else's, but it is my own. Most importantly, I am no longer willing to argue and fight and demand that I get "my fair share." That is the fight that is gone from me. Too much work.
The total of how many things are not going well in this relationship are weighing me down - so in order for the relationship to work, I need to feel that my spouse is willing to work through stuff - rather than yell at me, and get angry, and insist that everything goes his way, and end with "you need counseling."
That worked for these past intense 5 years. I came here searching, and what I found was I do not need him to agree with me for my own feelings to be real. I cannot heap my expectations on him any more than he can heap his expectations on me. If he chooses to insist he can sell the RV, based solely on his own decision, unfortunately for him that does not work for me. If that was it - one thing, I could find a way to work around it and live with it. My list at the current time is too long. It is a burden. It just is not OK for me.
Yep, he is a fine man. Yep, he owns his own business. Yep, he is the father of our two adult children. His behaviors are just not that of a person I want to be with. There is not acknowledgement. There is not apologies. There is not "How can we make this work for both of us."
I have many gratitude in my life. The current state of marriage is not one of them. All relationships need give and take from both sides. I gave too much too often for too long. 5 years trying to make a positive change has not been successful - AT LEAST not where my marriage relationship is concerned.
If I heard any form of these: "I just don't know why I can't. . . . . . ." , "I just don't know why I don't. . . . . ." "I really get how this affects you. . . ." "How can we work this out. . . ." "What do you need. . . ." "What are your hopes. . . . . ." "What will it take for us too make it. . . . . ." "I see how my actions caused you. . . . . (fill in the blank with ANYTHING) "
As of today, what I have in terms of my marriage are myself choosing to steer clear until I see that there is a reason to engage. I choose not to engage when the dynamics remain the same.
Liz
Sex and ADHD
Submitted by evergreen on
Friday nite? dragged ADHD husband out (he 'works' from home, no real income in months, my 2nd marriage so all finances separate, thank GOD) to listen to music (he plays some guitar). Very laid back, outdoors, casual, fire going at a bar (he also is AA, 18 yrs.) He literally wanted to leave immediately, negative, talking to only one couple he knew (thru me), sort of snarling at everyone else.... finally I gave up and we left. I drink socially, he encouraged me to have a few glasses of wine. Home we go -- clothes off, tons of fun. I felt great.
Sat? He wants everything the same, in fact - every night, 'routine' the same: me jumping around, dancing, up to all hours, he has no idea about time, tomorrow, no empathy for my feelings, wants to make love every night, no matter what. So around 11 pm Sat nite (we stayed home), I head upstairs as I did end up saying 'the wrong thing' to him about a topic HE brought up (his best fight moves). I was laying on floor in our bedroom, listening to music, trying to unwind from HIM for a few minutes. In he storms, takes one look at me, says something rude, leaves to go 'sleep somewhere else." Completely overreacting, drama scene (I believe his ex-wife, kids, something else happened).
My rule is to try not to take him personally.... But joke is on me sometimes, because he MAKES it personal. I do NOT have ADHD and am NOT in AA. I am a fully functional adult, own a house, 2 cars, kid in college and one in high school, both honor students, from a nice family, I go to church. He cannot stand it when I get my space. He mimics me, whatever I do - if I am quiet, he is quiet. If I laugh, he laughs. It is SO WEIRD. I have learned from this website it is his issue, it is him. The Sat night thing? He refused to speak to me all day Sunday, then sat me down (just like I do with him sometimes, but I stopped because it was so parenting-like) --- and tried to tell me I had alcohol issues... My take on this? That was his only way to make it all about me and not TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for his own behaviors. He has the overlay issues some folks do with ADHD, and feels entitled, feels empowered over people, really not too much fun.
Our marriage? We 'ran off' - (read the book) - I didn't realize 'being courted' by someone with ADHD is the BEST. It was!!!
Now, 2 years in?
Got him on medication a year into it, so happy there. But I am finding out, he is taking other meds, some cold medication constantly and also ibuprofen alot. I don't know interactions there.
Sex is great, but it has to be two people connecting. I am finding it hard to connect.
Hi evergreen...we deal w/ many common behaviors.
Submitted by c ur self on
There are several points you make here, that is common with my wife....
Your statement about finance's is the way I live and feel....Mimicking and competitiveness.... she does this...If I start whistling a tune, she starts...If I set in a chair, she wants that spot...If I'm enjoying a ball game or something on TV...She will walk in and announce she wants me to watch something else with her...If I want to make love, she always has a reason why it's not a good for her, but, no matter what I'm doing (wakes me) or what time it is, if she starts feeling the fire, she want's me to wake or drop what I'm doing and put it out...She has the most sincere desire to control and compete I have ever seen....She was like this before we married, which is fine by me, if your running a marathon or playing sports...But, she can't seem to rationalize at all, we are married, for goodness sake:) I'm not your competitor!...Anyway I just thought I would chime in...It's like she can't live, if she can't inflict control in every situation....Anybody else dealing with this type of control, mimicking and competitiveness? Just wonder how much is her personality and how much is because of add or other issues.
yes, constantly
Submitted by Standing on
This is awesome info....
Submitted by c ur self on
Thanks...I probably should get this book..got to run, but I'm going to cut and past this post....PS...Hi:)
hi :)
Submitted by Standing on
Thank you....
Submitted by c ur self on
Re-reprouting...That's a new term for it...I wike it!
When I said until Death we Do Part...I didn't realize I wouldn't make it home from the honey moon...
I have to admit Standing it is definitely nice to have my life back.
Standing, you really would not believe...
Submitted by julie jay on
how close this one single post, in 3 years, hits home. without going into paragraphs and paragraphs of details, your post here, is ME. i am no longer who i was and i now believe i am completely dead inside, so much so, to the point i think about death and dying, daily, and honestly can't wait until that time comes. until it does, i'm DEFINITELY buying this book you mentioned and reading it.
one sole incident, that happened recently, really stands out to me...i wanted to go to lunch with my friend last Saturday...i always ask his "permission"...long story short, it didn't involve him or his new toy, (a farm he bought at foreclosure) so he haughtily and almost angrily "announced" (and don't let me tell him he "announces" anything..which he does) that's FINE go to lunch with Susan (all of 2 hours??) i'll call Michael (who lives 2 states away, ok??) and see if i can come stay up there this weekend and hang out....talk about competitive!!! i was like, literally, HUH?? i'm still trying to figure out if he was mad b/c 1) i made plans that didn't include him, 2) have a friend that's not him or 3) b/c he would literally be so bored those 3 hours i wasn't home he just pulled the best thing that would come to his mind out of the air....he is an absolute enigma to me and quite frankly, IM TIRED OF TRYING TO FIGURE HIM OUT AND WHAT MAKES HIM HAPPY. especially when none of the processes to figuring any of this out are working. i literally really am living out the absolute definition of INSANITY.
i recently told my mother that i feel like i've been charged with the care of a [barely] functional mentally handicapped person. i've also noticed (maybe Narcissistic?) that ANYthing i do, if he has no interest or if it doesn't involve him, then it's dumb, stupid, gay, whatever. i'm supposed to like everything he likes and that's it. i'm supposed to listen to him for HOURS ON END in the evenings read articles to me off his netbook. and Lord help us all if i pick up my phone while he's reading, lecturing, opining, whatever.
a lot of my posts are usually more positive, but all of the stress from the last 3 years has really taken a toll on my health, emotionally, mentally and physically, so i don't feel good most of the time in either regard, either. does he care? NOPE. so long as he still gets money transferred to his acct and his bills get paid, i honestly doubt if he cares WHO does it or if they're using their last breath to do so.
ok, enough negative nancy....had to get that out, though...y'all were hittin too close to home ;o) CARRY ON... (Lol)
p.s. - LOVE your verse...I thought it might have been paraphrased...just wait until we get into the next "religious war" at my house........
JulieJay, you have just described my life,
Submitted by Standing on
especially the past year and a half, when i have been with him 24/7.
I was not suicidal, i simply did not want to live. He obliterated me, then he tossed me a bone. I would begin to have some spark of hope, then he'd wipe me out again. Npd is vicious, heartless, and totally justifies itself at all times. The book will give you a different perspective on yourself, i think. It is terrifying to suddenly realize that what makes you You has virtually disappeared, but I trust that God is good and that He is faithful to bring to completion that which he begins in each of us.
My verse is from the King James version, i think. If you read the first part of that Psalm, you can see why i chose it. It's very sad and disappointing to me that my husband chooses to retaliate against my choice to live as myself, and not as his clone, by devaluing and discarding me. I really believe he would have been far less offended if i had dropped dead at his feet, as long as i had maintained a worshipful pose. Ugh.
Here's to sanity!
I wish I would have been wise enough to stay out this trap!
Submitted by c ur self on
Our marital unions & oneness isn't about taking on the attributes of the other...It's about love and acceptance of the other...Whether spiritual, emotional or psychological in nature the blindness that would cause anybody to force or attempt to force their will onto another can only be destructive...Our uniqueness is what draws our interest in the first place.
It was my own fault in hind site...I wasn't strong enough, I was looking so desperately for a loving wife to complete me...(Instead of resting peacefully in the power of Jesus who completes me)...
I was drowning and every time I would find a rock to clutch to, she was there with another self-absorbed callous and uncaring act that pushed me back into the depths...I was looking for the stability and trust I had enjoyed for 30 years and i thought if I just loved her with all my might, it could be recaptured...
So as self-awareness and reality has has slowly overpowered my Fantasy world...I am learning how to live as myself again, but now, my focus and heart is set on the one who does truly completes us all....And the fruit of that has been peace and growth....For us both:)
For some, it is not uniqueness that attracts
Submitted by Standing on
What drew my husband to me was convenience and his assessment of me as a vulnerable target.
It was never good and right. He never even wanted to know me, only to mold me into someone who would suit himself. Always has been so, just took me so long to realize that he was draining me empty.
Yes, me too. As others have
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
Yes, me too. As others have mentioned, I am not suicidal,but I don't really see the point/purpose to living.My kids are older now and they would be fine. I spend most of my time buffering for my husband. I am T I R E D. This is not life - not living. And every forward move that I make; there are five moves back. We have no friends nor social life because of him.Plus we are really limited financially.......
Over the weekend my husband
Submitted by dweeb on
Over the weekend my husband asked to separate from me and my daughter (his step-daughter since she was 2 weeks old).
I realized that I was so hung up and focused on him that I neglected everything about myself. I love what jennalemon said, a sacrificial lamb.....
I resent it so much, but I also love him so much!
Over The Weekend...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Right before Thanksgiving he drops this on you. How typically unbelievably selfish. I have to ask, dies he have someone on the side. ADHDers generally don't leave without safe shelter with someone else. They simply need that continuous thrill.
I'm so sorry because I'm sure you do love him. To be honest? Get rid of him while you still can. There are many men out there who would NEVER think of treating you like this!
Resigned!
Submitted by dweeb on
I couldn't figure out why you said Thanksgiving!! We celebrated a month ago (Canadian!) yes, Happy Thanksgiving to you all! But yes, so close to Christmas and so incredibly selfish. I'd be hard pressed to say he has someone on the side, he's not the type, and can't cover his tracks at all. What he does have coming up however, is (on top of his current good salary) an influx in salary since he's in snow removal, and this is his first year in it. From what his coworkers tell him, he'll be clearing an extra $20-30K during the winter. So I think that's the reason. He had to rely on me and my good credit to get him all the nice things, and now that he has them, and he should have more money that he can spend (I hope!) he doesn't need me anymore.
I'm not sure why I love him so much but since I've been staying at my parents place I'm losing hair, sick every day, can't sleep, lots of acne and generally can't cope and miss him. Why do I love someone who is only accountable for his actions and that's it - Yes, I take money from the family, it's part of my personality, and if you have a problem with it, it's you, not me. (ahhh NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!)
His mom told me that he's so hurt by all the mean things I've said to him that it would take a lot get him back (she wants us to stay together)!
Unfortunately, I've got to run!!
Dweeb...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Oh it sounds just awful. Has he been divorced before? Sometimes it takes at least one, or more marriages lost for ADDers to realize it is them. I'm not sure that will do you any good at this point. If he continues to think he has nothing to change then, I'm afraid that you will have to accommodate he ego. I don't recommend that because I know what that will turn your life into.
I'm a hard time myself with my husband of nearly 31 years. My option to leave him at this point in my life is to live under a viaduct... Merry Christmas to me... :{
Resigned, it is a rather
Submitted by dweeb on
Resigned, it is a rather awful. I know the right thing to do is move on, but financially the best thing to do is stay. All the loans are in my name and his credit is too terrible to take on his half of the loan. Also I don't trust him enough to pay me should we separate. I'm scared to be left with a toddler and $37k worth of debt. How will I manage that?
This is both mine and my husbands first marriage. I certainly don't want to be the only one accommodating, since he's willing to be held accountable for his actions but won't change them. I think I'd just grow more resentful than I am now. That said, I do know I need to work on myself. I'm not in a good place right now! Standing made a post further up about not wanting to live, and that's exactly how I feel when we are together. But what should I do? I can't walk away with $37k to myself! I can only hope he'll take me back, and I can grin a bare it until spring when I've paid a good chunk of debt down, maybe over winter he'll choose to work on himself when he sees me doing the same? Perhaps I'm hopeful or naïve?
Dweeb...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
If you have a toddler I am guessing you are young. I don't know what the laws are in Canada but if you were in the US I would advise you to cut your losses and start again. If a divorce court happens to stick you with all the debt and lets him off scott-free, then file bankruptcy and start to rebuild your credit alone. It won't be easy but you can do it!
Dave Ramsey was a millionaire at 27 and had to file bankruptcy because of poor decisions. He has made it back as a millionaire again and counsels people financially on his radio show on how to be wealthy and secure. He has a website, too.
I understand this seems easy for me to say. Please read my back posts and you will see you don't want to suffer like I have...
Good luck!
I finally read your previous posts, Resigned
Submitted by dweeb on
It took a few days, but I've finally managed to go back and read many of your posts, Resigned. You should change your name from Resigned to Resilient! And you really are a super wife (a question you posed to X in the past)!
I'm 32, with a 2 year old. We've been staying with my parents since 11/23 and my daughter hasn't asked for him once! Furthermore, he hasn't asked about her. I wanted to work on it, and try for the sake of my daughter (his step-daughter since she was 2 weeks old), but I've been repeating to myself several times a day that he came right out and told me: I love you and our daughter, but I don't love you both enough to work on it. ***Channeling mama bear!!
What I've noticed since we've been separated is that each person I've told has replied in a similar manner: Thank GOD, I'm so glad you won't be with him anymore, he's an as# h@t, etc..... I'm shocked at how he was perceived by so many..... Love is blind sometimes. The only ones who've sided with my husband thus far is his parents, of course, who are hoping we'll reconcile. Not a chance.
I noticed that you mentioned meeting with divorce lawyers, are you and your husband separating?
((((((Dweeb)))))
Submitted by Standing on
Standing, I just love your
Submitted by dweeb on
Standing, I just love your insight. I read a thread between you and I to a friend and we both shared a good cry! You're just amazing. Thank you for your hugs. Thank you! I don't know where I'd be without this group! I'd be curious for your insight on my reply to Resigned above.
Take care,
a
Thanksgiving
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
You can get through this day, non-adhd family members! What could possibly go wrong?
Hmm...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Let's see, my husband and I had such a fight tonight that divorce and attorneys have been set up for Friday...
Maybe next year will be less of a turkey
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Sorry you're going through that pain, R2B. Here's hoping next year will find you in a better place.
Not that this is a competition, but I spent the morning conferring by phone with my ADHD spouse (separated) about my ADHD son (recently flunked out of college and now diagnosed with depression). They are both playing out some version of The Odd Couple out in our country house. Son wouldn't get out of bed, went into that "catatonic- eyes open- but paralyzed" thing he does. Had to talk husband through about six phone calls--he'd call the shrink then report back, I'd ask obvious questions, he'd call shrink back. Et cetera. Shrink prescribes meds for both of them--not sure that's ethical--upshot is shrink only deals with my son through husband; doesn't answer my emails. Also got husband to agree maybe he should get somebody to come plow the snow out of the drive, since shrink suggested we call an ambulance and get son to an ER if "things got worse"!!!
Gave myself props for not breathing anything of this to younger son, who's here in the city with me. Hoped older boy wouldn't kill himself today or get himself committed while I busied myself making 2 dozen of his favorite pumpkin muffins in hopes I'd see him soon. Younger son barely blinked that his Dad & Big Brother weren't coming in today as planned bc--well--they rarely do anything they promise without some hitch.
Late tonight, "husband" calls--he sounds elated (high? drunk? both?). Son got out of bed and went night skiing around the house! (Add to "things to be thankful list": no concussion...) Because of all the drama, they weren't able to get out of the house by day, and husband doesn't want to drive because of the weather. (That's a new one!) Since Husband seems stoned...and Son has spent the morning catatonic, I must accept that neither one is driving, and don't press the issue. Electricity is out in the country house--so they have neither heat nor light. This is just the kind of catastrophe DH loves and he can barely contain his adrenaline rush.
Will they make it for our 2 pm Thanksgiving dinner reservation? My gut tells me there are larger worries, but I'm numb. Younger son (dyslexic/ADHD) is doing great, by the way. His father only mentioned him today to tell me not to talk about all effort he's made to do well in school, since it might make his brother "feel bad".
Somewhere on planet Normal, wives and mothers are worried whether the turkey will be dry or Sis will remember the side dish.
If I make it to dinner tomorrow, I'll say a silent prayer for all on this site and toast our stamina.
CosmicJoke, I hope you and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
CosmicJoke, I hope you and your sons feel better soon.
Cosmic
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Your hands are FULL!
Bless your heart. I will keep you in my prayers.
Bless ALL our hearts, you two
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
No one here has it easy, eh? Or simple? Sometimes just another human "getting" what we post means so much, doesn't it? (Thank you for this site, Mellissa Orlov.)
PS I have to laugh about so much of this. I find it in no way impedes crying at the same time. And the laughing reminds me of who I used to be, which gives me hope.
Dweeb, Resigned2B, Cosmic...
Submitted by Standing on
With all of my heart, I wish that we could pool our strength and resources and get together for one day of amnesia, someplace under the sun, with warm breezes and the sounds of the ocean. I pray that we will each make time today, by the grace of God, to create such a place of sanctuary within our own hearts and simply rest there.
I've read people who have a mantra which gets them through the tough times... things like, I will survive! Taking back my power!
All I have is, I am so sorry. I say it to the Lord constantly. I am so sorry, God.
I woke up with pain of a pinched nerve in neck/shoulder, which is the old stress storage spot. I was primed for a pity party, but too stubborn to engage. Tried stretching, bending, rolling up pillow beneath crook of neck, pounding on it, etc. Came here, read you all, and finally cried, alot. This brought relief. Those muscles have relaxed. So I recommend this: invite yourselves to cry. Give yourselves permission, if you have not recently. Let some of it out... it won't carry you away. God gave us tears for good reason. I hear that He stores them up in a bottle, for each of us.
For now, I am here to tell you that I believe you have all tried so very hard to make your circumstances better. When you've reached the end of yourself, then you know in your knower that there is nothing more to be done but to let go. It is the most difficult step of all, releasing people to their Maker and allowing Him to both be our Parent and our Spouse. He is the One who knows each of us best and will never let us go.
I do hope that my expressions about God don't offend you, dear ladies. I feel very beholden to Him, especially today on this (American) Thanksgiving, especially, to say that my goose would be cooked if it were not for Him, and I am so very thankful for His loving care.
Thank you, dear ones, for being here.
Dweeb...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Bless your heart!
Standing.....
Submitted by dweeb on
Last night, I read through some old posts and let it all go. I'm lighter today and will stop crying over him, and instead focus that strength on moving past him.
If only it were possible to have a Wives of ADHD Husbands weekend retreat! It'd be lovely to meet you all and hug you and thank you for your shoulders!
(((((Dweeb)))))
Submitted by Standing on
Focused strength is the way to go!
I still keep laying it down and then picking it back up again, but the load is a bit lighter each time. It's a process.
Never give up on YOU!
Resigned!!
Submitted by dweeb on
Resigned, are you and your husband separating?
Dweeb...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
One would certainly think we should be. However, for now, we are not...
Resiliently resigned....
Submitted by dweeb on
I will keep you close by and in my thoughts today!
Resiliently resigned....
Submitted by dweeb on
I will keep you close by and in my thoughts today!
Siiiggggghhhhhhhhh
Submitted by Kat'sKoaster on
Siiiggggghhhhhhhhh
time management
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband said he was aiming to leave his parents' home (where he lives and takes care of them) at 10 this morning to come home and see our daughter before she leaves early tomorrow morning. He hasn't seen her since she left for school in early September. He called at 1:15 to say he had just left for the 2 1/2 hour drive. I didn't tell my daughter his plans; better that only I feel like the "dirt" on the bottom of his shoe.
That's sad
Submitted by Best2You on
Rosered,
You were smart not to share his plans with your daughter. Sad that things like these have to happen!
Best2You
Husband was at our home for
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Husband was at our home for approximately 8 waking hours. He rarely calls me from his parents' home (i.e., 4 times in 12 weeks) and when he does or when I communicate with him, I don't say anything about our relationship or my feelings or my problems, e.g., anything "hard." I broke custom this morning for one minute right before he left to return to his parents' home: I said I appreciate how attentive he is to his parents, and that his attentiveness is good, because his parents are needy. Then I told him that I used to have marital and relationship needs but I eliminated them after he said he couldn't take care of me ("I can barely take care of myself" was his exact line). I finished by saying that I hope his father appreciates what a good spouse he got when his son (my husband) moved back in with him. I felt tears by this point but I kept them inside, per my role as spouse of man who wants to be married but is burdened by his wife.
*Independent ???
Submitted by dweeb on
My husband and I separated last week, and isn't he so proud of himself for all his new found independence!! He's so happy to prove to me that he's able to live sufficiently without me!! Look, he's bought himself food, cleaned up after himself (I'm not living in *my* house anymore, just him), paid all his bills, etc........ Strutting around like a peacock!
Oh wait, he spent all the money I gave him for groceries in 4 days instead 7, every night after he left for his overnight shift I went over and cleaned up for him while I packed my crap up (everything in the house belongs to me, including the house itself, so I'm forced to clean up), and I put the money in his account the day the bill is due to ensure he didn't spend it!! But look at all the things he's done for himself!!
*Independent ???
Submitted by dweeb on
My husband and I separated last week, and isn't he so proud of himself for all his new found independence!! He's so happy to prove to me that he's able to live sufficiently without me!! Look, he's bought himself food, cleaned up after himself (I'm not living in *my* house anymore, just him), paid all his bills, etc........ Strutting around like a peacock!
Oh wait, he spent all the money I gave him for groceries in 4 days instead 7, every night after he left for his overnight shift I went over and cleaned up for him while I packed my crap up (everything in the house belongs to me, including the house itself, so I'm forced to clean up), and I put the money in his account the day the bill is due to ensure he didn't spend it!! But look at all the things he's done for himself!!
$337
Submitted by dweeb on
Him: I checked yesterday and had $337 in my account
Me: ok
Him: Well I had $337, and my $293 bill came out, and my other bill *you* didn’t account for of $30 came out, and I spent $10 at McD’s, and now I have $-8 and I should have $4
Me: ok, well I’ll put the money in to cover off the bill for $30 *I* didn't account for
Him: No, you don’t understand, if you minus $293, $30 and $10 from $337 it leaves $4, but my bank account has $-8 in it!
Me: ok, but if I just put $30 in the account for that bill you’ll now have $22!!
Him: but I should have $34!!
Me: Are you saying you want me to put more than $30 in to cover the $30 bill??
Him: Yes! That’s exactly what I’m saying….. Cause I have no idea where that money was lost…..
I Know It How the House Will Be
Submitted by billywayne on
When I left this morning, she was lying in bed, playing a game on her tablet, the house in total disarray. I'll get home shortly, after my 10 hour work-day, to find it in exactly the same shape. Probably, she felt "out-of-it" or had a "headache". She doesn't have a job. She barely manages the household and she recently said that she needed even fewer executive responsibilities. Before I leave in the morning, I have to give her a list of things to do. I tell myself that I'm helping her, but all I feel is that she's a child. She's been working on a dissertation for all 4 years of our marriage. I'm convinced that it'll never get done.
I'll get home and the house will be in the exact same shape. If it isn't, I'll truly be surprised. The clothes won't be folded. The sink will be full of dishes. The floor will be scattered with the strewn miscellanea from different parts of the house.
I can't say anything. Any mention of my disapproval shatters her emotions and leaves her depressed. I really do try to sympathize. But my sympathy doesn't change my stress, my chronic fatigue and frustration, my depression, my feeling of being trapped, or how I am aging far faster than I should be. If I leave her, she'd be completely without a way to make a life for herself. She's never had to hold down her own household. She'd have to move back in with her parents, probably forever. If I leave, I know that she'd never really get over it.
I want very much to have children. But I don't trust that she'd be able to handle it. I don't trust that she wouldn't divorce me and take them away.
I don't know what to do. I try to be thankful for what I have. But this situation has drained me of all vitality.
The House...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Bill,
You need help with your situation ASAP. Your wife has a particularly bad case of ADHD. You didn't say if she's being treated. You need help (support) of your own. It's just too much to expect of yourself. Your wife likely needs meds and a ADHD coach or this will never get better.
Your story is painful to read. I recommend getting Melissa Orlov's book for a quick start to getting understanding as to what's happening in your life. My heart and prayers go out to both of you. This site, out of any I've visited, will help give you insight and understanding.
Come back often!
Thank you for your prayers. I
Submitted by billywayne on
Thank you for your prayers. I pray everyday that I'll be thankful for what I've been given, and learn not to complain.
She's on meds, but really also needs an ADHD coach. I try to be the coach for her, but this doesn't work on so many occasions. I understand that the ADHD mind is stimulated by argument. She's very argumentative.
I've downloaded the first couple of chapters of Mrs. Orlov's book. Thanks for the suggestion.
I agree that I need help. The last counselor encouraged me to divorce.
Thank you for your prayers. I
Submitted by billywayne on
Thank you for your prayers. I pray everyday that I'll be thankful for what I've been given, and learn not to complain.
She's on meds, but really also needs an ADHD coach. I try to be the coach for her, but this doesn't work on so many occasions. I understand that the ADHD mind is stimulated by argument. She's very argumentative.
I've downloaded the first couple of chapters of Mrs. Orlov's book. Thanks for the suggestion.
I agree that I need help. The last counselor encouraged me to divorce.
Prayers...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
And your counselor may be right. You may eventually divorce. When you look back on that decision you want to look back knowing you tried everything you could. There are a number of avenues that may prove to help both of you fall in love all over again! You won't know until you try them.
Good luck!
Thank you for your prayers. I
Submitted by billywayne on
Thank you for your prayers. I pray everyday that I'll be thankful for what I've been given, and learn not to complain.
She's on meds, but really also needs an ADHD coach. I try to be the coach for her, but this doesn't work on so many occasions. I understand that the ADHD mind is stimulated by argument. She's very argumentative.
I've downloaded the first couple of chapters of Mrs. Orlov's book. Thanks for the suggestion.
Going down with the ship
Submitted by sunlight on
... is a sacrifice she won't notice or appreciate. Burnout won't help. You can't do anything for her if you are all emptied out. Think of looking back in your 80s at a life spent like this. Nothing will improve unless you take the initiative.
"I can't say anything."
No way to live. It's okay to insist that she gets treatment. It's okay to insist that she revisit & reconsider her treatment if she actually is being treated right now. It's okay for you to make clear to her doctors, if any, that she is apparently in bad shape. There's nothing wrong with an ultimatum, there's nothing wrong with confronting the issues, there is a lot wrong with enabling her to continue this way.
She's getting treatment. It
Submitted by billywayne on
She's getting treatment. It doesn't really seem to help though. I've never seen her off treatment. It may be an extremely bad case.
I've tried talking with her about it. I've tried understanding and patience. It always ends with her in tears and being depressed (completely dysfunctional) for several days.
<cite>Think of looking back in your 80s at a life spent like this.</cite>
Yeah. There's a good chance of this happening. I'm aging fairly quickly as of now.
Billywayne...I agree w/Sunlight
Submitted by c ur self on
(It always ends with her in tears and being depressed (completely dysfunctional) for several days.) I suggest you kindly give her some ultimatums...First, she needs to go to a Doctor, and you need to be right there to discuss what is happening. Based on your post, it sounds to me like you have one of two things on your hands...An invalid...or an abusive, deceptive spouse.
If you, the doctor and her parents (those who know her best) all agree she is truly not capable of attending to her responsibilities as an adult and wife, then you need to make some changes. If it was me, and we all agreed she is basically so messed up she isn't able...Then I would adjust my finances to where I had a maid at least twice a week, because you have to take care of yourself.
If you all agree she is capable of more than she is doing, then you need to consider your options....
I feel your pain
Submitted by Lowered_expectations on
Isn't it outrageous? It annoys me that I have to make my voice all sweet to ask him to do something - like put his own plate in the dishwasher - to be greeted with a frown like I am being unreasonable to ask him to do such a petty thing. Um - I've been carrying you financially and every other way for years - isn't that worth some vacuuming without complaint?
And the answer is?
Submitted by Resigned2B on
YES, YES, and YES AGAIN! It is worth a LOT of vacuuming!
here here
Submitted by dweeb on
Agree Resigned!!
Nail, meet head
Submitted by dweeb on
Lowered, I couldn't agree with you more! It is beyond frustrating all the needs/wants/expectations we need to put aside just to live with a spouse with ADD. My fully grown adult recently separated husband told me *YESTERDAY* that it's MY fault he hasn't learned how to be fiscally responsible because *I* never taught him! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND! He was a grown man when I met him!!
I've become insane with asking him to contribute and be responsible! I'm so glad I'm moving on to greener pastures....
What "Be Prepared" Means in my Marriage to a Spouse With ADHD
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
It means that even though my husband and I are supposed to go to the airport together for our trip together to see our adult daughter, I just spent about an hour figuring out how I'll get to the airport (three hours away) if my husband stands me up and decides to not go on the trip.
IF???
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Rosered,
Don't mean to contradict you but I think you meant 'when'... ;)))
The reality of this for me is less than one year old
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
As of last Christmas Eve, I always have a contingency plan - whether it is to drive myself, or understand that "If he shows up we go, if not, I stay home and watch TV, or sew, or work a puzzle, etc., etc., etc.."
That's the conundrum - he cannot understand why it is a disappointment to me if he does not show up. I cannot understand why he cannot understand.
Disappointment = the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.
Liz
May I Add?
Submitted by Resigned2B on
='s Feeling like your needs are unreasonable, unimportant as are ALL of your feelings. A complete rejection of you as a human being. This horrendous lack of understanding or insight is 'normal' for ADHD'ers. What they can't understand is that it NOT normal in any adult relationship!
:{
Just cuz
Submitted by Standing on
thinking a certain way or being aware does not come naturally to someone, due to brain wiring or mental illness or deficit, does not mean that they can't learn if they want to.
if the want to is not there, then what do you have?
Anyone can honor an agreement if it has value to him. My husband had no problem whatsoever honoring the agreement he made with himself to put himself first.
Hmmm
Submitted by Resigned2B on
If ADHDer's can, in fact, honor an agreement that has value to them, then I am COMPLETELY valueless... Thirty years and six children and six grandchild later I am completely worthless...
Does he honor himself?
Submitted by Standing on
Yes, I do know...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
He has put EVERYTHING over me. Unless I have flipped out from depression over how little he cares and end up on the hospital. THEN he's there.
"Good thing our true worth and value do not depend on being known or valued by
a spouse!"
This is how a healthy person should see it. I was assaulted at a young age. My self-worth has suffered ever since. I depend on a 'value mirror' from my spouse and obviously don't get it. Which only makes it that much harder. I manage to go down the road of 'I must deserve this' instead of 'get the hell out'!
Then my ADHD boys, now adults, treat me the same way. Like I am a irritating wart.
My husband does manage to escape real life by reading 350 action novels in the past three years. He gets all his needs fulfilled in these books. He doesn't really need a wife. He needs a maid, a bookkeeper, and someone to have sex with every once in a while. And arm candy when appropriate. I am a former model. Even at nearly sixty I can make a reasonably good entrance. He married up.
Maybe in Heaven things will be better...
what if
Submitted by Standing on
:)))
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Kick him under the table! LOL
I haven't made it this far without Christ. Surely I would have been dead by now!
By the time we're in Heaven I have faith that all our hurt and imperfections will be taken up in Him and His atonement. We will be perfected in Christ. If not? Eternity will be hell. ;)
:)
Submitted by Standing on
I'm almost afraid to go to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm almost afraid to go to sleep at night, because of my dreams. They're not nightmares; in fact, almost the opposite: I'm with my children and husband, and my husband actually talks to me. I wake up with a broken heart.
Yes...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
I drempt last last that somebody loved me. And then I woke up...
:(
These are good dreams
Submitted by Standing on
All I know to do is to take that sadness to the One who loves me best.
I would be lost without my loving Father and my very dearest Friend.
And please know that They can take it when their beloved wails and sobs - but it's not fair!!!
My counselor says: Your husband is not able to love you the way you want to be loved.
This is fact. His personality is disordered.
I cannot argue with facts and I'm too pragmatic to dwell on wishful thinking, but that doesn't stop it from floating by on a regular basis.
He c a n ' t,
But I can.
And I will, by the grace of God, to the best of the ability He provides, to all Who Are Able To Receive and Reciprocate.
I do not believe that we are called to pound on any locked door but One.
When is id really pointless???
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Every day I hear the same thing - "I am sorry, I dont know why, I try, I am 'thinking' of ways to deal..etc..". So many excuses, so many empty promises. Every day I face the reality that his words are empty and only carry meaning while they are still on the breeze. I am lucky enough that at least he does say he loves me (even though when we were separated he point blank he didnt even THINK about me when he was apart from me, just shut down), he does work and is so good at it that he is up for promotion. Oh, and only 1 month ago after he backed out of meeting my family for Thanksgiving (again) because he said he could not figure out his time off - he promised and SWORE up and down that no matter what - even if he had to quit his job he would come to my family's house for Christmas. Well - guess what. he isnt coming with me. Thankfully I bought my own plane ticket 2 weeks ago when he told me he still hadnt figured out time off from work. Normally I would say that he is being responsible etc with the job - however this isnt what we would call a "career" type job. And my mother has stage 4 sarcoma, already living 6 months past her prognosis and every MINUTE is a gift. He has never met them save for a few minutes 1 time years ago. I am so fed up right now.
I let him move back in because he said he genuinely wanted to work on things - and here we are, in the same stupid pattern. At what point is it just not worth it anymore? Today I feel for the first time I could walk away and NOT fall apart from the heartache. Its liberating and scary at the same time. I look at him and have to choose to love him when it used to be natural and joyful. I dont have any desire for conversation anymore, I have almost zero respect for him. He has been through alot - yes. But so have I.
I think the worst part is knowing that should I leave right now - it would literally have almost zero effect on him. He would just move on - because he would not want to mope etc. Whats the dammed point. So that maybe 10 more years from now he can MAYBE treat me sorta like a wife?
Nightmare as the alarm clock goes off
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
I'm at that corner always crammed with pedestrians. The baby is in the stroller--actually in an empty clementines box in the stroller. I go a few feet to do something, come back, my baby is gone! My fault--stupid, stupid, how could I? And my other son wants to help, but how can I make this his problem, and...
And I'm sweating in bed...and I know I must get up...must go find my baby...but how?...where?...hopeless?...and I'm tired...and worst of all...I realize I lack the strength to look for him and loath myself for feeling that.
And now I'm up with a coffee in hand. And my "baby" is actually sleeping peacefully in the next room--all bearded, 21 year-old, 6'2" of him. He used to love clementines, so I've filled the house with them since he flunked out of college. He looks peaceful and little, sleeping as late as he can, curled in that bed. I thought he might kill himself at Thanksgiving. When he came into the city for the holiday, I tricked him into applying for a job at the ski shop he loves. They hired him; now he lives with me again, not DADD. The job gives him cash and a sched, but he has no bigger plans he can articulate. Sometimes he smiles, mostly he grunts at me while surfing the internet.
His younger brother is at his LD High School, thankfully, not in a time warp where he looks for the infant version of the older brother who never mentors him and only teases him past multiple pleas to stop.
I recognize the crowded corner of my dream. It's a mashup of two spots...where my husband left the parked car unlocked and the laundry bag of all my son's toddler clothes were stolen...and the corner where he met me with the baby in the stroller and insisted on rearranging all my Christmas shopping, just so, on the stroller handles, while I went to get the baby pizza. In the midst of all my husband's fussing, passersby stole the shopping bag with that beautiful dress I paid for, but never got to wear.
the ghosts of christmas past
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
CosmicJoke,
I understand so well being haunted by past events. Some things seem that I will never get closure on. . . odd things that are difficult to explain to anyone, as they pile up and up and up in the 'Unresolved Why' pile.
Yes, indeed, it is healthy to forgive - let go - seek out the gratitude - yet when I looked back, realized the pattern, and then try to explain - I see my own mistake: I excused it away - over and over. And now, I know the pattern, I try to explain why I get frustrated,, I try to explain why I react as I do, and at this point in time I come up against the horrible wall of defensiveness named DENIAL.
There is a huge difference between seeing someone in utter frustration, crying out that they are sorry, and how hard they are trying to find an answer - versus seeing someone in utter frustration, crying out that everyone is out to get them, and proclaim how the other people need counseling - sorta like sitting on their pity pot crying "Why am I surrounded by so many a**holes? Poor me."
My work for myself - deal with the guilt of knowing I enabled the person to remain in that spot - now I want to back off and hope something will blast them off that pity pot.
I stand back, and keep my hands to myself, and watch with unbearable frustration - STILL not 100% convinced they will ever choose freedom and recovery, and joy. And keep the foucs on me and my behavior and my own joy.
Liz
Twilight Zone moment of the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Twilight Zone moment of the day: telling my sister-in-law that I'd appreciate her telling me if her husband said anything about his trip to see his parents (my in-laws) and my husband, who is their caregiver, because my husband never communicates with me and thus I've gotten the message that he doesn't want to be bothered by or with me.
sadness
Submitted by Atravers on
Sadness...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
How old are your children?
3 and 7. Both boys. The
Submitted by Atravers on
3 and 7...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
You will have three to raise. It will be quite a challenge as the ADHD level in your home will rise to an un-livable level on certain days. Teach all of them organization skills will be important. That means you will have to be hyper-organized on behalf of all of you. ADHDers have the capacity to walk right by things that should be done and fail to notice them.
You will take over most things that a functioning spouse adult would normally handle. Checkbook, repairs, appointments, cars, finances, etc..
Learn EVERYTHING you can about your new role as caregiver to all of them. Your kids will qualify under The Americans With Disabilities Act and so will your husband. This will allow them extra help at school.
Good luck. I didn't do very well. I had five children and a husband with undiagnosed ADHD. We realized it after 30 years of mind blowing struggles. Check on everything your husband tells you. A hallmark of ADD/ADHD is lying.
Rough day
Submitted by cjhunton on
Today, my heart is painfully raw after all of the things my ADHD husband hurled at me during his last rage. And I'm reading all of these accounts, and wondering if I will ever be able to see his actions for what they are, and not take it personally. I'm having a very hard time not taking personally how worthless and useless he insists on telling me I am, and how willing he is to tell me his life would be better without me. I cannot wrap my head around somebody not having control of his actions, when every word he says feels so premeditated, so custom created to rip my heart out in the way he knows would be most painful.
Same here. Same repeated
Submitted by Atravers on
Same here...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Yes, everything is ALWAYS the last time! Thirty-one years later it has NEVER been 'the last time' yet! And ALL that time he'll tell me afterwards that 'I was right'. And EVERY TIME I tell him 'I don't want to be right - I JUST want it to be different".
It never will be...
ヽ( ´_｀)丿
My older daughter sent me
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My older daughter sent me several text messages this morning, on the theme of her being afraid of being abandoned by men and of men not being able to handle her "craziness" (as she put it; she's not crazy! she's bubbly and open and sensitive). She didn't say so, and I don't know if she sees the connection, but her father, my husband, emotionally abandoned her and her sister and me several years ago. I wept when I read the messages.
You daughter...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Hi Rosered,
Does your daughter have ADD/ADHD?
She might, but I don't think
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
She might, but I don't think her bubbliness and openness and sensitivity come from her dad. She's just like me in that regard. Her ADD, if she actually has it, manifests as having a messy bedroom.
She might...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
It is such a struggle! The real problem that she will face is if she marries a man with ADD/️ADHD If she trusts you to identify it in her potential suitors and is willing to let them go she shouldn't have to worry about it. Although anyone has the capability of abandoning their family. Her fear is so real and something that no one should have to contemplate.
I worry about my own boys. But my daughter, who seems like yours, is very happily married.
Good luck to both you you. Hugs!
Again!
Submitted by Atravers on
Again...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
ADHDers don't WANT to take their meds nor do they really believe they even need them. My husband and two boys lie to me all the time about them. The ones who benefits from the meds are all the people around them. Like yourself. If you truly want these meds taken you'll have to fill them yourself and watch them swallow them every morning. Like some sort of freaking prison guard. I know that's not what you want out of your life but you've married someone with a handicap. Hence; they have to be treated at such. They are an unreliable and unwilling patient.
Sorry, but that's the bottom line. I've been a prison guard for 31 years. First to my husband and then to 2 of my six kids. It is thankless, un-sexy, and downright revolting. I'd like a permanent vacation! If you have any suggestions please let me know...
Good luck!
generosity of spirit often not shared
Submitted by Dipity on
How is it I'm expected to be sympathetic and accept he can fuck up and make mistakes and work with being generous of spirit to not be upset or annoyed with his behaviour. He percieves I make ONE parenting comment in over 6 months and he jumps down my throat with no "cutting of slack" thank goodness I'm working on staying calm and being more generous of spirit for his many fuck ups. I guess I can see that his mistakes are just that... Mistakes.
That's exactly what I
Submitted by copingSAH on
That's exactly what I encounter the majority of the time. Not just about parenting but anything having to do with our household and finances. To my ADHD spouse, it's always a competition, always oppositional, always that he's "busting his ass all the time" and I'm just "a nag".... I'm trying so hard not to scream or make it about me or him... it's about the ADHD inability to see ANYTHING outside of their own selfishness. ADHD can be generous but only on their terms, and all I can see is that it is also a selfish disorder. But they hide it so well from everyone else!
Exactly...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
AMEN!
That's funny
Submitted by on the edge on
Because the other day when I was talking to my ADD spouse, he said that I keep score. I think there's some truth to that, but I don't think that if I do X, he should do something the equivalent of X. It's more that I feel like I've done A through Z and he has only done X. I think that the idea of keeping score bothers him because deep down he knows that it is completely unbalanced and he's not the one who comes out ahead.
He also said that if I ask him to do something nicely, and not nag or talk down to him, he will help. He just can't remember or notice that things need to be done. So the next night I asked him to do dishes while I ran an errand. And he did them! But deep down I feel like he wasn't trying to be helpful but to prove a point. "See? When you ask nicely I do things!" I feel like subconsciously he's saying that it's my fault he doesn't help more around the house because I haven't always asked nicely in the past.
And I completely agree that ADD can be an incredibly selfish disorder. My spouse is more than willing to help out with things if it interests him. He even said that the thing I bring to the marriage is my organizational skills. He confessed that he's not good at that and he's much better at spontaneity and creativity. So I guess I'm the responsible one and he gets to be the fun one.
And then, there's the "help" that's worse than no help
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
So true.
And the flip-side of doing nothing is a knee-jerk response to do something to "prove something"--not about getting a job done simply because that's what needs doing. Ego is the only motivator.
Which means that eventually blowing off so much responsibility leads to guilt. Not guilt over the consequences of his actions, or guilt over how it's exhausting me, the non-ADHD spouse who has to do everything. Fat chance. No...it's always about him...so once he "feels bad" it's a moping session about realizing for a moment that he is a screw-up and feeling sorry for himself.
And what's the best way to fend off feeling bad about himself? By doing something big! By taking action! By being a hero (in his own mind)! By going off to "fix" whatever's the first thing that comes into his head. And NOT telling me. Either because he fantasizes he can later surprise me with his heroic action (except that has never been the outcome--ever). Or because, by not telling me, he has now regained his manly self-respect rather than be subject to B*&@*y nagging telling him what to do.
As I posted recently...he has made such a mess out of the taxes...that I am STILL trying to put it all together. So we'll file for an extension. My hell will go on. And we'll probably pay a penalty.
Well...it's partly taking me so long bc I can only work on the tax prep until I cry...and then I need to go catatonic the rest of the day...And psych myself up for asking him to clarify/find more receipts, etc. and face more lies from him that are worse than a 4 year old's. (Except 4 year olds don't have ATM cards.)
And it looks like all the insane money juggling done last year doesn't even have a purpose! He was mostly parking money in his "secret account(s)" and then eventually either depositing it back in our joint account (but with almost no identifying paperwork) or using it to pay legitimate expenses (except he threw out the receipts and I've had to get copies). I almost (ALMOST) wish he WERE trying to rob me (as logical voices on this site suggested)...or deliberately drive me insane. Then at least there would be some sense in my universe, which to my non-ADHD soul, means some hope. Because you cannot anticipate meaningless disaster. (And please don't tell him, but the crazy part is...if he did want to steal from me, his separated wife...I can think of many ways he could do that--effectively. But since I'm neither insane nor a criminal, and since what funds we have are really for our boys, I'll never give him a more competent taste of his own medicine).
If there were a place I could click on this site...and some non-ADHD spouse would show up at my door to wrap me in a blanket, hand me a cup of something warm, and hold me till I stopped shaking, I'd be hitting that button right now. Till my fingers were bloody.
Oh, and my son goes in for surgery on April 15th...so of course, my husband is doing all he can to lighten my load in preparation...said no non-ADHD spouse ever.
Of course you "keep score" OnTheEdge: remembering past disasters means you might avoid repeating them. That's one of the main reasons for humans to have memory--most of us learn from our mistakes. Aaargh!!!!
Yeah...What She Said lol
Submitted by kellyj on
I just had to respond because you're too funny. And for the record...it's called the "SLATE" (keeping track). I duck and cover when the "slate" comes out! I'm not taking an opposing view either...but your analogies made me smile:)
J
Laugh till you cry. Rinse.
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Laugh till you cry. Rinse. Repeat.
"Helping"
Submitted by on the edge on
For a while, my husband would say that he does help but in ways that are harder to notice. Like when he bought plane tickets for the kids and I to visit family. He also has spent a lot of time fixing his motorcycle. But the things he does are either a one-off event or aren't really that helpful to me. Or, like you said, create more work, like when he makes a big dinner and uses everything in the kitchen and leaves it for me to clean up. Even on my birthday when I said I just wanted dinner and not have to clean it up, I still ended up washing some of the dishes a few days later.
The button I would click would have someone show up at my door and give me a drink and a book and tell me to relax while they cleaned the house. I've thought about hiring someone to scrub floors and whatever but there's too much stuff in the way and it's not mine. My dream is a tiny house with next to nothing in it. Only the necessities - no knick-knacks or piles of papers or stacks of books that will never be read again.
I hope your son's surgery goes well and that you have a support system to help you.
Thanks for your good wishes/Love your vision of a magic button.
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Not much support system at my house--apologies for the venting I do here sometimes to keep breathing.
I understand about needing to deal with all the "stuff" before you can even clean. (Sometimes--gasp--when no one is looking, I through stuff out. And it is NEVER missed.)
Apology For the Remark...
Submitted by kellyj on
out of context. I also didn't realize where I was (slug box ) my bad. Reworded slightly.....I did like what you said about wishing your your ex would rob you to give you some sanity for or a reason for you not doing the same (whatever it is) Been there......wanted to burn down the house(not for real).....your doing the right thing and will not live to regret it no matter how angry it can make you right now. But you know that.....it's good to vent sometimes.
J
So tired
Submitted by lauren07 on
I am so tired of regretting ever meeting the man.
I move his child to his hometown, oh, about 5 states/20 hrs away from MY home.
When he can't see his child, he whines and cries about missing him. But when he has him, he spends no time with him. Laying in bed on your phone while your kid watches tv DOES NOT count.
I moved here thinking it was the only good move I could make.
Well, my ex STILL lives with his chain smoking parents who chainsmoke IN THE HOUSE. He has been living with them since he left my house, so, since Feb 2014. He is a grown man!
We both work, so his Mom watches our son. She smokes in the kitchen when he is in another room. This is a small house with ZERO ventilation. Also, nobody ever cleans except to wash dishes or sweep the floor. The interior is nicotine brown and the limited carpet hasn't been cream colored in years. Three dogs live there, two of them large and one of them a tiny dog that pees on everything. My child can't get a stye to heal before forming another one
They didn't smoke in the house when I first moved and they quit for a week when I make a stink, but they always start back.
I am SO ANGRY at my ex AND his Mom. He won't pay for daycare because he is saving to buy a house. A house he will never clean and always forget to pay the bills on. This has been going on for months. I freak out about our son's health and he acts just as concerned, then NOTHING comes of it!! I ask him to find someone to watch him and NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!!
I finally came up with an idea to have his Aunt watch our kid, but WHY OH WHY do I have to think of everything!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!! Why am I the only one that gives a **** about our kid's health?!????!!!
Now I'll probably have to nag him to death to make THIS happen!! I told him to please give me a reason to respect him. Of course, he gets highly upset at the thought that I don't respect him. What?! How can I respect a grown baby who shows me nothing?! Just last Sunday, he invited himself to my house under the guise of "Easter as a family", he spent all damn day there, didn't do a darn thing, napped on my couch, and literally ran out like an upset child when I finally told him he had to go! I called him on it and what does he do?! Deny and deflect like a champion! He literally LITERALLY ran out without saying goodbye, but doesn't see it that way
And this is just the stuff about my kid. My ex is still one of the most selfish idiots I ever had the displeasure to get stuck with. I honestly don't know how he functions or lives with himself. It's a miracle.
In his warped mind, he is dad
Submitted by lauren07 on
In his warped mind, he is dad of the year. It makes me sick!
I'll never understand why it
Submitted by lauren07 on
I'll never understand why it is SO HARD to carry around a notepad and pen to write "things to do" down. I do it and it sure makes me a better, more dependable, and happier person.
Every week, he has to ask me about crap he should already know. Sometimes I think it is just an excuse to talk to me even though I act like an ass to him a lot of the time. Negative reinforcement:/
Understand Why...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
I'd like to post the following article. It was written by a man with ADHD who is now, ironically, an ADHD coach. It has helped me understand a lot!
"I’ll Do It Later, And Other Lies Adults With ADHD Tell Ourselves"
by Pete Quily on JUNE 13, 2013
If you have ADHD, how often have you said any of these words?
I’ll do it later.
I’ll do it tomorrow.
I’ll just finish this page/article/email/task.
It won’t take much time.
This will be easy.
I don’t need a reminder.
I’ll remember it, don’t worry.
These are very common lies that we adults with ADHD tell ourselves. We don’t lie deliberately. We don’t even think they’re lies in the moment when we say them because we “have the intention to do them”. We really do believe that we will “do it later”.
But we rarely do in fact do it later. This leads to frustration, stress and other negative feelings for the adult with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and often even more of that for others around us, spouses, family, colleagues, friends etc.
Adults with ADHD have trouble with time management and arguably procrastination is one of the biggest problems for ADHD adults.
I’ve said them, my adult ADHD coaching clients have said them, I’ve heard them at the Vancouver adult ADD Support group I lead, and I’ve heard them from many, many adults with ADHD.
The problem is that all the good intentions in the world are useless by themselves. Intentions don’t really matter that much unless they’re malicious & hostile, then they do.
Intentions are not actions. But often we ADDErs think unconsciously if we have the intention to do something it will get done magically and then we don’t have to do anything about it, worry about it or plan anything to make it happen, create a reminder that works for us etc.
They’re basic examples of delusional optimism or magical thinking vs. pragmatic optimism or realistic thinking. Everyone has delusional optimism sometimes, but ADHD adults seem to have them more often than non adders.
Adults With ADHD More Likely To Be Delusionally Optimistic Because We’re More Likely To Be:
forgetful
time blind
disorganized
have trouble breaking down projects into smaller doable tasks
are easily distracted
are impulsive
have trouble considering the future
don’t like doing boring or repetitive things
have trouble planning.
So given all those things can you now see why when we say “I’ll do it later” warning flags should go off in our heads? But we’re forgetful and have trouble learning from past mistakes so they often don’t or we ignore them.
When you catch yourself saying one of these try & stop and be aware of your body to get out of your head and get grounded, become more present and start applying some reality filters. I.e., ask yourself some questions.
Here are some examples of reality filters to try out:
When, exactly, will later be?
How will I plan to do this?
How will I remember to do this? What kinds of reminders would work for me to remember it?
Was it easy/simple/quick the last time I tried to do something like this?
What might happen if I forget to do this?
You might want to create a simple plan and a reminder to practice saying them so that when you’re in the moment you’re more prepared to do so.
What are the most common ADHD lies you tell yourself?
What techniques have you learned to be able to deal with them more effectively?
That's great if they believe
Submitted by lauren07 on
That's great if they believe they have add lol. Mine has convinced himself that it's something else that can't be helped and not his fault at all. Of course;D
Reading all this is very
Submitted by Geese on
Reading this...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Your exuberance may wear off. Much like being on a diet, motivated to the max, then faced with an ice cream sundae. Just reading your post you are light years ahead of the game! You may slide back but the real race is won by those who don't stop because they stumble. And EVERY one of us can relate to that on some level.
I hope the adoration of your wife keeps you motivated to never stop trying. Your family will be stronger when everyone's effort is linked together!
Great Job!!!
Going on three years
Submitted by lauren07 on
Going on three years separated and moving 20+ hours from my state to his (for our kid) didn't change him, so I'm not too hopeful haha. I try to be happy that we are finished as a couple, but he still manages to drive me insane since we coparent. Eh, mine has lots of other issues, not just the adhd that he denies. He believes all of his problems come from something else (even though his family says he was always like this) and he wants everyone on the planet to respect him for it.
Anywho, best of luck to you. Maybe frame your post, so you can read it if you start to slip. We all slip;)
Coparenting
Submitted by Geese on
That's Great...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Of course, you're right. Getting them to see it is more than half the battle. It's been helpful to me to see this in writing. Now I have words for what is happening. "Magical Thinking" I'M the magic. ;)))
Last night
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
we were watching tv while my mother (who lives across the country) was texting cancer updates on both my father and uncle. [Both of which are doing better than expected thank you Jesus!]
My spouse asks me what she is saying as he stares at the tv.
I open my mouth to reply and realize I've already lost his attention and don't respond.
~when you can't bring yourself to share this type of news with your significant other for the sad truth of knowing it isn't significant to them~
God my dad almost DIED last month but it wasn't nearly as important as when his dad had hernia surgery!!!!!! THAT hurts. He SAYS he wants to be there for me but why is it that he isn't? He doesn't know how to? Doesn't care enough? Get's BORED because its MY dad and not HIS?!?!?!
And here I sit just *trying* not to think about this...or else I will cry, scream, punch things, break stuff, how do you get over the fact that your spouse can't emotionally support you in one of the times you need him the most???
WHY
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
WHYYYY did you marry me if you want to spend all your time talking to women on your stupid Facebook messenger?!?!??!!!
Does anyone else wonder
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
if your spouse didn't have ADHD if any of this would have happened??? In 5 short months of marriage I feel like it's dead. I am so numb, no desire to try anymore. What is the point?
Physical effects of Stress
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Four years into my marriage, and about 2 years before my husband's ADHD was finally diagnosed...
I developed Hashimoto's disease, a thyroid condition that requires daily medication in order to function.
Today I learned that my thyroid problem is believed to be caused by living under constant stress, which messes with the chemicals the body releases under "fight or flight" situations of extreme fear and tension.
At the time of my diagnosis, we had already experienced grand theft auto; had moved to 4 different addresses; I had broken my toe because he left tools in the middle of the darkened living room which I was crossing to get to a crying baby; he had waged a campaign to get me to quit the best job I'd ever have because I "deserved better" then sabotoged my career switch; our unlocked door had led to the new TV getting stolen; all our toddler's clothes were stolen when he parked our car but didn't lock it and left the laundry bag in the front seat; he had helped me by taking my bag of Donna Karan clothes headed for the drycleaner and instead washing (and shrinking) every business garment I owned as a "surprise"; that letter from the tax board went unseen by me and instead lived in his sock drawer until our nonreply triggered an audit...
If your own marital history is similar and you feel exhausted all the time, maybe you're not "just" depressed, though you'd certainly have cause for that as well...
why not just say!?!?
Submitted by Dipity on
Oh gosh, I came here exactly
Submitted by copingSAH on
Oh gosh, I came here exactly to vent about this kind of crap that happens in our lives every single weekend. I can't take this anymore.
Any thing I suggest, even the slightest idea, there is a complete opposite reaction and all of it is negative. We literally never leave the house, and when we do, it's nothing but him being the martyr and complaining about how everything is causing him stress. In turn we're all stressed out and give up and come home tired and unhappy. Once we get back to the car to go home, it's as if another personality emerges, he's completely fine and dandy. He's literally whistling to himself. What a complete shit. I think it is getting worse on Adderall, he also has anger at everyone we run into, including mall security because they are roaming on their segways (and shouldn't be for some reason according to him).
My spouse tells me he can't go to the beach/ballgame/park/mall/have sex because:
He WILL go somewhere with us if a colleague or friend tells him they're expecting him there, or go to a concert if we're offered free tickets (which have only happened once in 20 years of marriage). I want to drag his ass to a therapist who can treat him properly and tell me what I need to do to help recover my husband!!!
Oh Gosh...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
I feel horrible for you. I feel like I've lost 31 years of my life with little hope of ever retiring. All of 3 our birth children inherited some form of ADHD. It's been 31 years of herding cats, including my own husband, and they all hate ME.
Here's a study that I read a few days ago that might help you figure some of this out.
http://adc.bmj.com/content/90/suppl_1/i2.full
Good luck. Life is hell and then you die. See what a great attitude I have???
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
After getting more "I'm sorry
Submitted by lauren07 on
After getting more "I'm sorry. I forgot" text messages than I usually get, I changed his name in my phone.
Now it is....I'm sorry Mr Half-Ass. It's helping me find the humor in always expecting the least from him.
I have reconciled with the man he stole me from with his intense hyperfocus. A man I have a long, beautiful history with. He is going to move here after his work contract is up. I am extremely happy now and have been since we got back in touch. I won't have to rely on my ex for anything soon:D I won't be alone in this new city anymore.
I'm so thankful to finally have someone. My mother in law has made my move here hell. Recently she claimed that I told my son to call her a bad word. Even my ex knew I would never do that, but my mil gave me the cold shoulder for weeks. Soon after, my son called someone a bad word that I have only ever heard my mil use. It didn't make me angry at all. My child is 4. Most of the time he doesn't know what he is doing or saying. Anything for drama in this family.
I am so over it. And I am very over my ex's obsession with being prior military. It is all he talks about and he has molded his life to reflect it. His hats, his clothes, his car, his license all say LOOK AT ME, I am a veteran. It is his new hyperfocus. The thing is, he hated his job and only stayed the term he signed up for. He complained and threatened to quit EVERY single day. He refused promotion because he didn't want more responsibility. He was a lower rank than he deserved for almost two years. It makes me sick to now see him acting like he was forced out for injuries incurred while deployed...to a fob...as a desk jockey. And he flaunts that veteran status like it's his job. I have been around vets for years and he is the first one I have ever seen act this way. It's sickening to watch. At least it is giving his life purpose, I guess, even though he uses it to put himself above others, even other vets he deems less worthy.
Lauren...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
"I have reconciled with the man he stole me from with his intense hyperfocus."
Do you have more about this part of your story in another post you could lead me to?
if not, can you talk about this in a little more detail? It sounds way too familiar!
I never talked about it
Submitted by lauren07 on
I never talked about it before. It hurt too much. But now he's back in my life and I get a second chance;)
Basically my add ex acted like the perfect man. He gave me exactly what I needed and wanted....until we got married....then he became the selfish prick I couldn't get away from fast enough.
I had communication issues with the other guy and he was living a full day's drive away. It wasn't hard to steal me with persistence. My ex was proud of himself for winning. I'm curious to how he'll take the news that we reconciled. We aren't telling him until we have to. He hates the thought of another man in his son's life. Although he recently asked for permission to move a girl he barely knew up here as soon as he buys a house. I asked him to wait until he knew her before living with her PLUS she was from literally the other side of the country. I doubt he'll want to recall that when it's me moving in with someone I've loved for over ten years. How easily they forget.
Never talked...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Do you mind if I ask if you we're you married to the original man???
We had dated several years
Submitted by lauren07 on
We had dated several years and had just gotten back together after three years apart. He very much wanted to get married and we were talking about eloping.
My ex didn't ruin a strong relationship. We were just feeling things out when he came into the picture. I was worried the same problems as before might pop up and my ex's hyperfocus made him appear so much more of a catch. At least now I know the grass is definitely not always greener. In fact, sometimes it is covered in fire ants. The relationship I left for the new one (adhd) had absolutely none of the problems we ended up having. He was much quieter and easier to get along with. He wasn't lazy and he was really good with kids. He didn't think the world owed him. He never once raised his voice at me or said/did something completely insane.
I feel like a fool and me and my child will pay for my stupid decision.
I'm so glad he never moved on and we get a second chance to be truly happy.
Dated...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
You might not need to come back to this board if you get married and live happily ever after. I too was married for 10 years before my ADHD man 'stole me away'. I don't know how, or if, that would have gone. I know he did NOT have ADHD nor did our two birth children, now adults. However, he passed away from cancer at 38.
Your story sounds familiar to me. I just feel so sorry for everyone. We're all pretty immature as 20 somethings. Hindsight is always 20/20. So many bridges are burned. Now, at 60, we can see so much more. I could have been such a better wife. Not only to my first husband but also to my ADHD husband of 31 years. If I had only known more about what I was dealing with.
Good luck with your second chance. Come back and let us know how you're doing...
I suspect that I'll still
Submitted by lauren07 on
I suspect that I'll still come by from time to time since we share a child. At least now I'll have someone here to help me stay sane. My ex and his mom are trying to do the opposite haha.
I'm sorry to hear that your ex died so young. I work with chemo drugs and frequently have to speak with patients or their family. It's not easy.
I'm thankful that I ran away from my ex as soon as I realized he wasn't who he claimed to be. I pushed for the adhd diagnosis, but he refuses to believe it. I hope he finds happiness somehow.
arguing just for stimulation
Submitted by julie jay on
were you REALLY just about to argue that 5 x 15 does NOT equal 75?? REALLY???? i actually questioned my own self for a second. no wonder i'm on prozac. :P
I'm not as ranty lately since
Submitted by lauren07 on
I'm not as ranty lately since I have started expecting the worse, but I still shake my head a lot.
He watched my pets this weekend. I wrote two sentences of instruction about one pet. It said turn lights (two lights) off after 9pm and on after 8am. This is very important for its health. He didn't understand what that meant and left the UV light on 24 hrs/day. Why didn't he text me for clarification? Can't follow simple instructions? Eh, that is what I am used to about him and what I'm glad I no longer have to live with. It didn't harm the animal. She just hid away at night to get sleep.
He also watched our kid at my house because where he lives is truly nasty and he knows it. I left out the special food tray that cuts up his food. Our kid LOVES this thing. His dad refused to use it even after our kid ended up getting sick. Our kid keeps complaining about not getting his favorite comfort food while daddy was here. I questioned him and he just said No, he didn't let him have it. Why?!
I will never understand him.
I moved here for this?
Submitted by lauren07 on
Father's Day. A perfect opportunity for my ex to play the victim. He didn't do crap for me on Mother's Day. He didn't get me a card and my "flowers" were a few blades of grass in his Ma's old flower pot. But he expects special Father's Day treatment? That is not my job anymore.
Friday night he didn't want his kid. All day Saturday and Sat night he didn't want him. But as soon as I left for the water park on Sunday he started texting, freaking out that I was ruining his Father's Day. He suddenly wanted to take him fishing. He had no set plans. I asked him Friday night when I also asked him if he wanted to keep his son.
I no longer accommodate this fool. I made him drive to the park and purchase a ticket. A water park. He did not bring a bathing suit. My friend witnessed everything. She couldn't believe what an ass he was. He literally made me walk with him to first aid when my kid wouldn't stop complaining without one. I was with friends. I tried to let them have a father/son day. He just moped around, angry, and giving me the silent treatment unless he wanted something.
He got upset when I asked him to watch him alone in the 1' kiddie pool. His reason? I don't have a suit in case there is an accident. A kiddie pool with a lifeguard.
Then he left without taking our kid because he needed to spend time with his own crappy dad that was hardly ever physically there for him. The kind of man who chose hunting all weekend over meeting his grandson for the first time. I gave birth in Europe and didn't make it back til he was a yr old. And I stupidly flew to see his parents first because I had no idea how bad they were.
I just remembered the time I left him and our kid in the grocery store aisle to LITERALLY quickly run around NEARBY aisles looking for an item that I couldn't find. This enraged him so much that he chased after me to LITERALLY tell me how "F'd" up I was leaving him alone with his son because he couldn't chase down a 3 yr old and watch the buggy with my purse in it at the same time. I was floored! And he gave me the silent treatment the rest of the night..... I wrote about this when it happened.
He and his mom are like twins. Selfish, anger filled, manipulative twins.
The Milk Is Spilt
Submitted by Resigned2B on
I've never come here to just drop off a current issue. I always try to have a point or a message for good or bad.
Today is different.
Despite all the troubles and financial lies my ADHD husband has done over the years today it a holiday. I have been getting ready for weeks for my 16 year old granddaughter to come.
My husband hates to work in the yard. However, about once a year he gets a wild hair. Today he had committed to trim some bushes in front of our house. It is long past the prime pruning time in the season. As a matter of fact, it can be dangerous to the plants to prune them in the dead of summer.
I had been out hours last evening weeding. This morning I went out to sweep the weeds into piles on the curb edging with the plan of scooping them into the trash. Our lawn was mowed and edged. I checked on my husband a couple of times and his bush trimming was going well.
The fatal mistake was to come into the house to clean making sure every detail would be perfect for our granddaughter we haven't see in three years. An hour and a half later I wet outside to find that my husband, without talking to me, looking up how, when, what time of year, had cut to sticks the tall ornamental fir tree in our front lawn berm. Along with other trees and plants that were there.
He got a wild hair, and, as usual, what should have been talked about between the two of us was now done and over. Huge tree branches so thick on the front lawn you could not walk. We will be dead before these ever look decent. Should we have to sell due to his financial lies we will have to discount the house as it has now lost the last of its curb appeal.
The milk was spilt. I burst into tears and screaming that I'm sure could be heard around the town. This behavior is not new to him. He gets a hankering and just goes for it regardless of the consequences. I wanted so badly to put my best 'fake' foot forward for our granddaughter who barely even knows us anymore.
I'm paralyzed yet again. I can't undo what's been done. The $1,000 of dollars worth of loos to our property. The cat food my husband told me we would need as a staple in our diet when he retire in a few years. Yes, that's what happens when your spouse spends everything you've saved in your 401k.
I was already looking for a viaduct to retire under. Seeing this today makes me think he did it on purpose knowing how devastated I would be. The same thought process of spending the 401k money. The adrenaline high these conflicts bring to him.
The house is clean because I've been working on it for weeks. I don't see an earthly way to hide what I know my future is with this man from our granddaughter.
I feel like a fighter in a 31 year boxing match. I'm going down and can't do one thing to stop it.
I'm so sorry. Your husband
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm so sorry. Your husband did a terrible thing. I would have been very angry if I were you, too, and I'm distressed just thinking about the situation. (My husband likes yard work and has never done anything so extreme but he does have a tendency to get carried away with brush cutting. It's as though he thinks it doesn't matter so he doesn't need to think. And then, all of a sudden, big branches have been cut and he leaves them on the ground where they fell, with little thought about the resulting appearance of the tree or bush or yard.) I wish I could take you into my home, away from the evilness that dwells with you in the form of your husband. (I don't think the word "evil" is too strong.)
I'm so sorry...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
I don't think I can find any strength or reason to go on. My husband's already told me, again and again, how worthless I am to him even though I've single handily raised our ADHD kids, been his arm candy, and bedroom whore for 31 years. And raised my own kids from another marriage. Why does it matter anymore. Everyone of them has their own reasons for hating who I am and their perception of what I've done to ruin their lives.
Why would God feel any different...
(╯O╰)
Do you have family members or
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Do you have family members or friends with whom you could live?
Family members...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
I only have one living sister who is not in a position to let me stay. Everyone else has passed away. Being 60 with no retirement, Social Security benefits cuts, covered procedures by Medicare being cut, and ObamaCare I can't have too much time left here. :(
Not what I expected for my golden years; but whose life is?
How was the visit from your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
How was the visit from your granddaughter, Resigned2B?
Granddaughter visit...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Thank you for asking.
i pulled it together yesterday when she arrived and have successfully pretended everything is more than fine. It has been really fun to have her here.
Before she arrived, I did remind my husband that he has quitclaimed the property to me (after I caught him in so many financial lies last year) and he's damaged it without my permission nor is he good for the money to repair it. To be honest, I think he could care less. Maybe when he watches the tree die over the next year he'll realize that for every action there is a reaction.
He's recently been diagnosed with diabetes so I think he believes he's going to die soon and nothing matters. :{
Yay!!!
Submitted by lauren07 on
This will be the happiest slug ever, but I couldn't see putting it anywhere else.
I reconciled with the best man I ever had in my life. He is going to move here soon and I have been stressing about telling my ex. In the past, my ex has literally screamed in my face that I am NEVER allowed to have another man around our kid. He has made a couple short comments since then that further clarifies how he feels about it. But, of course, his rules for me don't apply to him haha.
He wrote me the most amazing blessing today, almost out of nowhere. I actually cried. He knew I have a secret boyfriend that I'm happy with. What he wrote was so amazing that I instantly knew he had a gf that he wanted permission to move in with.
Well this is what I have been praying for! Not only will he not bother me about my boyfriend, but now my kid will have an extra advocate looking after him and spending time with him. Well I am thankful for her and I have my fingers crossed that she won't get hurt. He is clearly in hyperfocus mode right now, but he is in denial that adhd caused our issues.
I just find it insane that he can have our kid around his new gf within weeks of meeting her and move in with her within a few months of knowing her. If he was single, he wouldn't be so nice about me having a boyfriend and would likely pitch a fit if we moved in together. Even if we have known each other for years and lived together before.
I am grateful though. I will take what I can get to keep the peace. We are doing pretty darn well with our shared parenting.
Yay...
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Congratulations Lauren,
I hope the very best for you and your 'new' old love!
* .-'''-.,.-"'-. +
( ! SWEET ! . *
+ ". DREAMS ."
* . "'-.,.-'" + .
Thank you :D
Submitted by lauren07 on
Thank you :D
Brava
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Thanks for sharing your happiness. It's inspiring. Props to you for keeping both your eyes open...and your heart....and moving on to make a real life for yourself. Sending you all good wishes.
Thanks;)
Submitted by lauren07 on
Thanks;)
I told him how glad I was that he felt this way because the last time he brought it up, he literally screamed in my face that I was never allowed to have our kid around another man. (And I wasn't. I had merely found a nearby apt and was going to be living near him instead of in the next state like we planned) His paranoia told him I had moved on with another man when I wasn't even dating at the time
He says, "Oh, you must have taken that out of context". The three typical D's LOL.
I guess I took him chasing me out the driveway and emptying out our mutual checking OUT OF CONTEXT too;p
he came to his senses the next day when I took our kid and started heading back home, 20 hrs away. Sometimes I'm glad I stayed haha.
The lies piss me off
Submitted by Dipity on
Are they incapable of apologizing?
Submitted by Fallingapartinside on
Why can't my spouse with ADHD apologize when he does something wrong or hurts me? WTF?
Maybe they don't think they did anything wrong?
Submitted by Julia on
Mine projects when I get hurt or he does or says something hurtful. It always goes back to the wrongs I do to him.
The person to whom I'm
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
The person to whom I'm married has a wife, but I don't have a husband. Not surprising, then, that he doesn't want a divorce, but I do.
Interesting
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Your H who isn't living with you, is barely communicating with you, is a full time helper to his parents wants to stay married? Why?
Is it because he fears that once his parents die, he'll need you to support him? or what has he said?
I did not ask him why he
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I did not ask him why he doesn't want to get a divorce. I should have. I have a few theories. One is that there is a difference between wanting to be married and not wanting to get a divorce and he was being very literal. Because getting a divorce is unpleasant even for those, like me, who no longer want to be married. Another is that he is getting something from the marriage: the assurance that the children and the house and other marital property are being looked after properly and are still his to share in. The most likely is that he is big on appearances and he is ashamed to have other people know that he is a screw-up as a spouse.
Don't know what else to do.
Submitted by Julia on
Asked husband if he could think about a time when we could calmly discuss strategies to deal with our ongoing issues. He got angry at just that. *sigh*.
After my husband was here for
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
After my husband was here for only slightly more than 24 hours, he returned to his parents' house because his father summoned him. Father-in-law made noises, as he always does when my husband comes to our family home, about him spending too much time here. The last time my husband was here was more than three months ago. He comes only when one of our daughters is here. He hasn't come to see or be with only me in more than two years. I feel like shit.
Father-in-law made noises, as he always does when my husband com
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
Father-in-law made noises, as he always does when my husband comes to our family home, about him spending too much time here.
<<<
do you know for a fact that the FIL is actually saying this? Or are you hearing this thru your H? Is it possible that your H is not telling you the truth?
If your H is telling you the truth, and your FIL is old/senile and isn't able to process that his son SHOULD be visiting his family on a regular basis, then really, your H just should do what he wants and needs to do.....and ignore his dad while H is visiting.
I'm sure you painfully realize that if your H wanted to spend more time with your household, he would...no matter what his dad said...because his dad isn't going to "fire him."
So....it's pretty obvious.....what is your next step?
I have no doubt that my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have no doubt that my father-in-law is saying this stuff because he is a self-centered and cruel old man and because my husband has a knack for telling the truth when it will hurt me. And yes, I know that if my husband wanted to see me he'd come to see me, despite his father's pissing and moaning. That is why I feel like shit.
Have you decided to divorce?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Have you decided to divorce? If so, have you filed?
I don't know your situation well enough, but it seems like the tail (your H) is wagging the dog (you). Why don't you start wagging the tail?
You don't need your H, do you? If I remember correctly, you are the breadwinner, correct? Why not just move on with your life?
If you fear that a court would order you to pay spousal support, for an unfair amount, then can't you just mentally divorce him and move on? or do you want to marry again?
If he works for his parents, his income may be hard to prove, so that could be a problem in a divorce. I don't know if the fact that they also provide him "room and board" also has a value that would be counted. I imagine that he and his parents wouldn't be honest about how much they pay him.
I think you need to figure out how you can take control of this situation. You are letting him control your life and emotions. How can you "cut him out" and move on?
Husband was here..
Submitted by Resigned2B on
Dear Rosered,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is demeaning and dismissive. I'm surprised you have or want anything to do with him when you deserve so much better.
Good luck my friend.
Rosered--you know the problem isn't you, right?
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Dear, dear Rosered,
As I struggle with the complexities of the divorce question, and all the good-intentioned advice, I cannot presume to offer any to you. Except maybe, that whatever makes sense for you, go for it. Only you know the complications of your own Gordian knot of ADHD and family.
For what it's worth, I am coming to a better understanding of my own in-law situation. My husband clearly got his off-the-charts ADHD from his father (and given the grandfather's atmospheric accomplishments and end-of-life failure, I suspect the ADHD gene had been in that family for generations).
A) Pre-diagnoses and general awareness, the "extreme" cases got by through mega-denial. In my case, it looks like grandfather passed it on to son who passed it on to the next generation--my DH. From an early age, every failure was spun as a victory or taking the higher ground or the problem with other people/society/the government. etc. Introspection--non-existent. I married a man who was always taught to find the way to place blame/responsibility elsewhere, but almost never encouraged to look at a failure or bad decision as a way to gain insight into gaining the skills and understanding to prevent future mistakes. The consequences of an entire childhood and adolescence in such an atmosphere cannot be remediated by the love of a non-adhd spouse, I've come to believe.
B) For my husband and his family, a major strategy to avoid feeling guilt about hurting the people around them, has always been to announce that they are part of some greater, noble cause. Whatever personal pain and suffering their cluelessness was causing the people around them, they were always deeply involved in politics, church, etc., fighting for a better world as they'd define it. Every time you write about your husband's "taking care of" his elderly parents, I think of this. I can just see my own husband announcing to strangers that he was doing something like that and basking in their comments about his saintliness. If that's the case in your family, there's not much that'll get your spouse to give up playing that role. When my DH is being a "saint" btw, it empowers him on multiple fronts: he has the perfect noble reason to ignore his own children, and the perfect reason to vilify me if I make demands on him for the good of our immediate family.
C) After hearing him tell the same childhood stories for the millionth time, it's become clear that many of his "cute/funny"boyhood stories are really examples of what a terrible/absent-minded/callous father my husband had. Given the family addiction to spin, he can never hear any feedback that would tarnish the family myths. If your husband is in thrall to his family, perhaps this is relevant? I could share stories about how my in-laws treated my children that would make you cry--but my husband will never acknowledge any of it.
D) Because he cannot admit ways his ADHD father hurt/damaged/failed to do right by him, my husband can never even consider how ADHD may have affected how he treats our children. One of them has tuned him out (he has his own severe ADHD to cope with) and the other loathes his father. Any efforts I make to help my husband connect with his younger son are met with heart-stopping hostility by my husband. Better to insult me and deflect than to consider and take healing action.
E) At the moment, my estranged husband has at least six projects going on that are more important than fathering, from spending enormous energy working for a fringe candidate who will never become president...to "taking care of" several pathetic lost souls...to letting others use him professionally...to...If he could tell any and all who'd listen, that he "had to" move in to "take care" of his elderly parents, believe me, my husband would be sharing with the postman, the clerk at the grocery store, telemarketers...and their polite-noise responses would empower him to further ignore his immediate family and as many real responsibilities as possible.
I share in case any of this relates to your situation, and because it hurts so much any time you put yourself down in your posts. It's not you. You know that. It's bigger than that. They cannot change, or will not, and it doesn't matter which. And I'm sorry it's on your shoulders--exclusively--to decide how to handle your marriage. That's so not fair. I sometimes catch myself almost envying people I know who divorce over infidelity or "consciously uncouple" because they've grown apart. I feel like I could wrap head and heart around such problems, and that--whether I agreed with him or not--I could at least have a dialogue with that kind of husband--even if that dialogue proved painful. But that's not my situation, and all I can do is stop expending energy expecting something else. But wow, is that difficult, eh? I'm only hurt by my husband when I expect some human connection/acknowledgement from him. I fight to remember he is not capable of a nuanced, mutual, relationship. I am not speaking of all people with ADHD. But for those whose affliction is severe, and possibly co-morbid with other conditions, our challenge is to see that with clarity and try to finish mourning what will never be.
Hugs to you, CJ
PS Apologies for rambling, my stomach hurts as I try to get these thoughts down...Bet you understand that...
Husband came back this
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Husband came back this afternoon. Among the more interesting things that came up in the deep conversation I insisted that we have: H is very very depressed. H has been having suicidal thoughts. H's dad said that I'm mean for not going to see H at his parents' house (instead of H coming here to see our daughter).
I can be mean but I'm also the only person making something of an effort to get H a break from the situation that's making him feel suicidal.
Take him at his word...but do it for you, as well as for him?
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
B.U.M.P.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
SpaceyStacey1975 - The Phoenix,
Here is it!!!
Sincerely,
Liz
Liz!!!! THANKYOU!!!! I could
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Liz!!!! THANKYOU!!!! I could not for the life of me remember what it was called.. But man this is SUCH a great thread! Makes me feel less alone reading it and posting to it! ;-)
Ex-h told me last night
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Ex-h told me last night (during phone conversation that I initiated so as to strongly encourage him to see our daughters when they are at my home for Christmas) that he misses the house and the yard. Ex-h left the house and the yard and all responsibilities here after making the unilateral decision to become his parents' caregiver. I would like him to share his feelings with someone else, not me, the person he left.
You just gotta stop calling. It never seems to end well. . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hi RoseRed,
As difficult as this one is, you did initiate the call, and opened the door to a conversation. Maybe you can let your daughters communicate to their Dad when and where they will be during Christmas, and then they can work out their own plans with him. That would remove the responsibility off your shoulders.
This I say, speaking from experience. I did spend a lot of time running interference between my children and their Dad, so they would not be disappointed if he lost track of time, or if I judged that he was coming down too hard on them.
That caretaking of other's relationships has probably been one of the hardest things for me to release. My children are adults, and they can propagate their own relationships with their Dad. Having my own boundaries, of only discussing someone when they are in the room, is very hard. But I do my best to do it. I will listen and allow people blow off steam, but I do not choose to draw a conclusion of someone based on the words of someone else. Nor do I intercept messages. My son is infamous for not returning phone calls. I used to remind him after I would hear my daughter complain. Now, I say, "Yes, I agree, it is frustrating that he does not return phone calls." And that is it. It annoys me that he does not return calls. But, that is how he operates. He is 27. He will need to work that out for himself. I can't fix it. Oh, sure, I could make myself miserable informing him how he needs to return our calls, and answer his phone. . . . . . .but I choose too no longer do that. When I see him, I'll ask him for what I needed. And, indeed, if it is an emergency, and we text EMERGENCY, please call. . . . .he will. He has so many good qualities, I'm not gonna be mad at him because he does not prioritize calls in the way I think he should.
Very truly
Liz
I understand your point, Liz,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I understand your point, Liz, but I don't think I was wrong to contact my ex-h and encourage him to make plans to see his children at Christmas.
But it's so easy...
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I just found out that the reason my daughter in law (the one who ends up in the ER occasionally suicidal) isn't talking to my husband is because he is always doing 12 things when he is on the phone with her and doesn't pay attention to her. I used to "caretake" their relationship after the first time she was in the ER by putting an alarm in my phone once a week for him to call her. They did really well for awhile. Then he seriously pissed me off and I decided to start looking after myself. Now she hasn't answered his phone calls (when he remembers) for several months. I tried hard for three years to help heal those failed relationships. I made a difference, but there was nothing left of me.
Let them fail. Let them remain in the hole. It is their war.
Last night my husband called me to see if he could pick up my daughter and bring her home as he was by her school. Which was kind and thoughtful of him, and I told him that. Except, he had no idea that it was the night of her birthday party. That is how little he is involved in her day to day life. Which means that picking her up and bringing her home would not be helpful.
We married three years ago. I spent two of them mourning the fact that I would always be a single parent. Now I have accepted it. Moving on, moving up.
Tongue in cheek?
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
DependentOrigination,
Was that sarcasm, It's so easy. . . .? Hard to tell when reading words on a flat screen with no facial expressions or voice inflection.
I myself had a false sense of responsibility over everyone else, for a very long time. It is still hard to decipher. A person would certainly have a hard time thinking they had the ability to keep someone else from taking their own life by simply reminding someone else to call them. In the long run, it gets us entangled into someone else's mess. And it has no truth to it at all. It is just our part of the deception we ourself created.
Building an internal feeling of a healthy sense of responsibility is no easy task. Well, it has not been for me. Odd stuff tends to make my stomach get queasy, and I can feel tingling up and down my arms and down my back!! No joke. I gotta talk myself down . . .over and over. Here is a current example:
OK. I asked, she said no, and I respect that. It was a 50-50 chance of a yes or no. Now I am constantly having conversation in my head. . . .why did I ask? He who hesitates is lost. . . . . .why are they dragging their feet for 10 days in posting a photo? Social media is so instant, She didn't request we not post photos, I just shared my own thoughts of why I wasn't. Why did I make such a grand gesture, only to regret it later.
Again, there is no facial expression in her texted words, no voice inflection, so why do I keep hearing her answering in a reprimanding manner?!? I don't know.
It is my own personal feeling that weddings and new babies should not be victims of 'guests' taking snapshots and posting them before the bride and groom or new parents have the chance to share their own joy. I think this much time passing is a real stretch, especially in this day of instant social media.
I do know people who have requested that their children's pictures not be posted onto social media. . . . .that is not the case here..
In a tizzy over nothing,
Liz
Definitely NOT Sarcasm...
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I have a lot of appreciation and respect for your advice and perspective in life.
It is very hard for me to maintain a healthy level of personal responsibility as well. Yes, I agree. I won't be able to prevent another trip to the ER, but I come from a family, while not perfect, where we are there for each other. Solidly. A safe place to land when things fall a part in the world. Which is why I have so quickly returned to relative emotional health now that I have been pointed in the right direction.
Every girl needs her dad. It makes me sad that his daughter grew up in a relationship with a parent with uncontrolled ADD. I imagine it would be very destabilizing and that she experienced a lot of detrimental emotional challenges secondary to his unreliability. I was happy to be contributing in a small way to the family stability.
Maybe I will have the opportunity to do so again.
Which brings me me to the story about your grand niece. I am just not sure what the underlying attachment to this problem. On the surface, it would appear simple, but it is never just about a Facebook post.
As an outsider, with no context, it seems a simple text exchange, lacking the reprimand. In fact she thanks you, she is probably grateful for your maturity and sensitivity (as I have been). As someone who knows yourself best, why do you think it is that you are so invested in posting pictures of your grand niece?
I would hate to make an assumption, but perhaps a gentle suggestion. Is there something in your own life to celebrate, to post about your own accomplishment, milestone, etc.? Are you an artist, a musician, learning a new language, planning for a trip, eating healthier? Are you proud of the things you have done in your own life that extend beyond your obvious emotional intelligence and ability to help other people? Maybe I have misunderstood this completely and if I have, I apologize. Not knowing you, your niece, or your history and working from assumptions based on my own life experience, can definitely lead to misinterpretation.
I hate the grand gesture, that I then regret. I do this often, with my husband. Trying to only do things I want to do with no expectation of return. And when I have that regret, I try to do something for myself.
There for each other versus enmeshment
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
DependentOrigination,
Thanks for what you said. To clarify further, I was thinking it was sarcasm in the general sense, not as rude sarcasm directed at me.
I think it is important to be there for each other. The lines have been blurred in so many ways between "being there" and being enmeshed. The family I married into, had a definite ability of giving the cold shoulder, and snubbing a person if that person did not "follow the dictates of the family." And example, my spouse and I got reprimanded for not showing up for an anniversary dinner. We have no knowledge of the anniversary dinner. Since we did not follow the expectations and show up every Sunday for dinner - where all family business was talked about - we were left in the cold, and then in trouble for not knowing what no one bothered to tell us. LOL, it is funny now, but it was brutal to live through it.
As for me, I am the family historian, and the family communicator. I do it because it brings me satisfaction. I do have lots of things in my life to celebrate! My college, my sewing, my gardens, my scrapbooking, my children, I get excited about new babies!!
I do not think you misunderstood. And I really appreciate what you said. It is all food for thought. I am sure,without a doubt, this baby picture thing is about more than just FaceBook. There are some family dynamics between their family - my brother and his wife - and my family that started to surface 8 years ago.
The main idea of my post was to state my own continuing struggle with anxiety, and second guessing, and that gut-response approval seeking - - - -that I need to talk through with my own self! Internal dialog. Remind myself, rethink the situation, reframe it and then go on to a better way of thinking.
Very truly,
Liz
Liz......You Are Amazing!
Submitted by kellyj on
I may have mentioned this only once before...but my middle sister ( the one who is so in denial )....who is also, the nicest person you could ever meet: Has her masters degree and a good job that she Loves, is responsible in every way you can think of, who is busy none stop from sun up to sun down and sometimes late into the night, who is also always chronically late to everything outside of work, and is thoughtful and considerate without a fault???? (question mark ???? thoughtful and considerate?????? )
She's the one who said to me once....I was just trying to be Super Mom. On paper and to all concerned...she might very well appear that way and no one would think otherwise? Nothing wrong here...you'd think? No stories like you here with all the husbands with ADHD....who become an enabled "spouse with ADHD"...who shirks responsibility and doesn't step up and fill in the gaps when needed? Nope...none of that going on with my sister. She does everything for everyone and still finds time to do things for herself and everyone else at the same time!!! You could hardly have a criticism about her behavior because on the surface ( and from a woman's perspective I'm thinking )...she would have nothing to be ashamed of and most...would not see anything in terms of shame being appropriately applied to my sister since she is almost above reproach as a mother in every way and as a good wife who does her job and works extremely hard and is in the game 24/7?
Except one thing. The one glaring thing (the Elephant in the room ) that my sister is in denial of? I'm thinking she has ADHD as well since the two of us growing up together....both shared the..."too much to do, and too little time to do it in phenomenon and biting off more than you can chew."
The difference is....she's a woman...and I'm a man. She's operating under a completely different "shame system" as me being a man and this I found to be one of the biggest conflicts in my home growing up since my sisters and mother.....were just not getting it!!!! This is where my Dad ( with all his faults and failures) would step in and say " For Christ Sake Honey....leave him alone!!!! Jesus Christ!! ". And my father in this case...was absolutely right. What my sisters...but mainly my mother could not understand ever....was there is a difference. And even when you see it and understand it from the opposing side....it still doesn't mean you are going to experience it the same because the shame in one....is just not there in another and it's NOT SUPPOSE TO BE!!!!! LOL That's the problem right there if you haven't figured that out yet??? Men and woman are different...in more ways than one!!! And if you are bound an determined in going against nature and trying to get a man...to think like a woman....then first off.....the problem is either not understanding that in the first place...and then trying to do it in the second place and this is actually more of a disrespect to either side when one or the other is thinking along those lines? The next thing you know....you'd have men peeing sitting down!! LOL
funny side note to this. My mother use to put these God awful "shag carpet" looking covers on the toilet lid ( Pink again....yuk!!! lol ). And they were so thick...that you couldn't put the toilet seat up and have them stay without falling back down because these things were so thick ..( and this looked good?? Shag carpet on top of the toilet!! yuk!!!! lol ) Anyway... every time I went to go take a pee...I had to stand there with one hand holding the seat and lid from falling back down...and the other hand directing where I was peeing but in order to do this....you had to lean so far forward ( when I was little ) that the only way this was possible was to put my forehead on the wall to steady myself from tipping over since this was such a maneuver and balancing act...just to take a pee? LOL I found....peeing outside to be preferable when ever possible!!! LOL )
But when it gets bad enough...and starts to cross over the line in other ways ( the denial of all of this ).....it's starts to take on a more sinister and detrimental quality especially (and most emphatically!!!! ) starts getting passed on and is doing harm to your own children, your relationships with others when it starts bleeding over onto them....despite how considerate and kind and helpful a person may appear to be with no intention of course on there part ( none what so ever )... but they just can't see it?? ie: DENIAL. My sister is extremely ( extremely devout in her Christian Faith)...and has volunteered with a Christian Youth Organization which does work with young people in spreading the good word of Christ and I even went to one of these camps in High School since both of my sisters went there in summer and found it to be a great and rewarding experience which for the most part....I thought it was just Okay? This was at my mother and both my sisters disappointment when they learned that I just didn't LOVE IT TO DEATH!!!!....like they did and couldn't understand why?
I'll tell you exactly why? Because it was just more of the same....as I had already called Bullshit on...that's why? It was great....up to what happened every night after dinner? This was an ideal place up in Canada with scenery and sports and activities to fill a lifetime: fishing, water skiing, hiking, crafts, swimming...you name it...it was like a "dream summer camp" for high school kids all day...everyday!!! It was perfect in every way......until after dinner each night. After dinner...you were required to come sit as a group...and here them proselytize to you which in it an by itself...was not the issue. The issue was.....you couldn't say no....I don't feel like sitting there tonight. I'd rather go back and rest in my bunk or go for a walk instead? If they found you not in attendance ( and they were really on you and watching your every move ) they would come and "nicely"...guilt you into it....and then guilt you into submission and used shame as their weapon against you and saying NO....was not an option? Anytime NO...is not an option.....my radar ( being so finely tuned to this already ) was going off like sirens screaming and so I would just go and listen ( again ) to what I had heard a 1000 times already but done in a more cleaver and palatalable way. Get those kids all isolated up in a place they have to boat you into ...and then preach the gospel in more contemporary terms and get them ON BOARD...with the "Right Way" of thinking ....BUT, we're the ones telling you....the ONE RIGHT WAY!!!! lol
The think is.....you actually had to pay to go to this camp and it was in the summer so......you should be free to do as you want and not HAVE to go listen or attend if that was your choice.....that is, just because "Jimmy"..( the head Mouseketeer said so? LOL ) "WHY?"........."BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU". Sorry Jimmy.....I'm just not buying that one? LOL And I didn't...even then?
IN fact.....I will always remember this one ( and only one moment and something that was said in one of these meetings ) which caused me to go...."You've got to be Fricking Kidding Me? Earlier..in the day...I had come around the corner and smelled Pot ( that unmistakable aroma ? )...and at the time, I did smoke it...but I was not about to there. It wasn't a habit for me as it never has been...but I also had nothing against it either? And apparently....I was not alone on that one so that was just par for the course for me and was no shock what so ever? ( it was the early 70's ...remember the 70's ??? LOL )
Anyway.....there we are all gathered around...and Jimmy is giving us his "speech" on drugs and how you shouldn't use them. I'd sat through those ridiculous institutional videos in school already.( the ones where "Bill goes to a party.....smokes pot for the first time, goes home and see's his face tun into a Werewolf in the mirror, and next week he's a Heroin addict on the street stealing cars for money. You know...those videos LOL ) ..so I was already gearing up for some pitch or punch line and it didn't fail to come. According to Jimmy ( as I recall )...even though Jesus didn't mention Pot specifically....as said "but if he was here today....I'm sure he wouldn't approve of it and tell you not to do it". That's when the bells and whistles started going off in my head ( that moment ) and I started to call Bullshit on the entire program? First off.....Jimmy, can't read minds and he certainly can't read Jesus's mind...to know that what he just had said was utter none sense. Second of all....I wasn't born yesterday ( I was 17 at the time ) and it was an insult to my intelligence to use that as a means to "guilt me" ...or "shame me" into that....JUST SAY NO...kind of thinking by using Jesus to hide behind? In my mind....not only isn't that a good reason.....it's a "NON REASON."..and made no logical sense what so ever? On top of it....it's one Jimmy just made up on his own? Who the Hell...do you think you are Jimmy? "Jesus"...or the "Head Mousaketeer? " ( my conclusion was the latter at the time!! Speak for yourself dude...Jesus has nothing to do with it!!! LOL shame, shame, shame...and more shame on top of it!!! You're BAAAAAAAD!!!! Unless you do what Jesus said...which he didn't....you did? And you are who again...by the way??? Some guy who runs a Summer Camp for teenagers...who works selling Insurance in the mean time. Not who I want to put my faith and trust in....especially when he doesn't know the difference himself? And take that stupid hat off while you're at it...it looks pretty silly on an adult!! That and a shirt with your name printed across the front of it? What....you need that to tell you it's your's so you don't get it confused with your wife's clothing at home? Do you also label your underwear too? )
And why was that again? Oh yeah..."because I like you." Gee could have fooled me? When someone makes shit up out of their head and then tries to convince you it's real and then uses that as a weapon against in the form of guilt and shame......with friends like those....who needs enemies???? ( For Christ Sake!!!! LOL )
At the very least....it's disrespectful on a number of levels: disingenuous, DISHONEST!!!!, non authentic, and complete fodder for fairy tales making on top of it and without a shred of logical thought or reason any where in sight? Creative thinking gone horribly wrong!!! "M-I-C"....See ya real soon!!!!"....."K-E-Y"......"Why? Because we like you!!!" ( no you don't...if you did...you'd treat me with respect and not Bullshit me and insult my intelligence...who the HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!! ) " M-O-U-S-E ."
No thanks Jimmy.....I'm going to pass on that one!!! LOL Which is exactly what I did and why I did it? Not because of the principles or the things that were being said....it was the way they were going about it and NO....apparently was not an option with no boundaries available to me to choose from ie:...to have your own thoughts or your own opinions to the contrary? Even to the point....of not going to the nightly meetings after dinner? We were hostages physically.... and now they were trying to take over our minds and thinking too?? This was "Enmeshment Training Camp" for teenagers and what they were teaching wasn't Christianity ...but more than anything else "Enmeshment 101" which even though I didn't know what you called it.....I didn't like it and for good reason!!! Not for a second let me tell you!!!! Jimmy in my mind going back even then....was a Fraud!!!! And you wonder why?
So now...going back to my sister who bought into this entire way of thinking hook line and sinker which was more than just approved by my mother...it was being pushed on us to do it. And my middle sister was the most susceptible to this of all...because her mission in life it seemed....was to "please others" at her own expense because this was was what was taught to her...by her own mother?
But there is the dark side to this as you know Liz...and the part I mentioned only once before that I am sure you are quite aware of at this point in time? My sisters only daughter...with having two older brothers.....ended up Bulimic herself and has Crones disease on top of it....all as a result of what you know yourself very well?
This is where....I have to bow out because....I know nothing of such things? I have nothing inside me or no motivation in my life to have ever become that myself either in the past of now in the future? The guilt, the shame and the insidious effects of all of this.....by passed me completely in that way for sure? I have no knowledge or experience in my life that can translate this for me so I could possibly understand it at all only.....cognitively on that level....I can understand it that way only?
And why is that? Because I'm a man that's why? And I also didn't or couldn't buy in to something that felt so dishonest and illogical to me at the time? It defied all reason and common sense in the rationalizations that were being proposed...created a situation where I had to choose between....caring more about myself ...than pleasing others at my expense even then but mainly that had to do with the fact...that I was a man and expected to be the way I was instead? Not in a good way mind you....but the expectation was different...and along with that....a completely different expectation and system of shame and guilt and that was the biggest reason of all. Anytime where there is only one options to choose from and it's either all "good"...or all "bad"....what other choice do you have? NONE....especially when NO....;is not allowed as a choice........IN ANYTHING!!!! And in my case......I chose NO anyway....at the opposition and defiance of this which came with a severe price that I gladly paid at the time without knowing the cost in the long run....in choosing the "right option"...but for the wrong reason?
The biggest and most harmful thing that this created for me? Having to pretend I believed what I didn't....and live a "lie" while at the same time...you are consciously aware of it just to appease those who have a difference of opinion...but where any difference of opinion or being able to say NO....was not allowed?
And going back to that time as well...as an oppositional defiant kid? Who routinely said to my mother .."Yeah....well, opinions are like Assholes...everyone's got one and they ALL stink!!!!. And who's this WE anyway.....you got a Turd in your pocket? You and Jimmy.. the head Mouseketeer who can read Jesus's mind?" Ha! LOL
"same as it ever was" https://youtu.be/I1wg1DNHbNU
The frustration of being
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
The frustration of being linked to my (now-ex-)husband continues. Yesterday, I received two end-of-year financial statements from a company with which we have investments. Guess what: I'm still listed as co-owner on one of the accounts (which was supposed to go entirely to ex-h) because he didn't sign and return the paper work that the investment advisor sent to him. Legally and ethically, this money does not belong to me but I'm sure the IRS is not going to care about that when it comes time to pay any related taxes.