So I have been reading about ADD for about the last 6 months. Like a lot of you, I tried to "help" my husband in the beginning, now I am changing me. Well things are even worse. All he did was starting using medication, he has not worked on any strategies. I see no different in him at all. Still wants me to make a call, schedule, pay bills and so much more then complains or lashes out because I am too controlling. He now says we are both responsible. How can that be? I dont have ADD, I dont make chaos, I dont always feel overwhelmed, I dont understand how they can say it is both people??? I want to leave but my boys will be heartbroken. Work, he works all the time but does not get ahead. He cant see he is disorganized and inefficient. He feels unloved and unappreciated but I cant help feel those things. I am alone, do things alone and carry so much alone. He is not selfish, not a cheater, complete family man, loves me and the kids but the chaos is too much after 24 years. I have no idea what to do. Change the way I handle him?? How can that be? Life is harder with him. How am I responsible? confused and searching for answers
do you recognise yourself
Submitted by mariel on
do you recognise yourself in the books that melissa has written? i and non adhd wife and i have just started reading them and strightaway recognised that i have become bitter and bindictive and naggy. it's not that you (or i) am responsible nor ar our blokes responsible for things that they can't help but we arr where we a and i see that there are things i can do differently that might make it better for us.
Please stop blaming the non ADHD spouse
Submitted by Really123 on
These men come to us like they are. Please stop asking the non-ADHD spouse to "recognize herself" in HIS behavior. He is who he is and you are who you are. Don't let ANYONE convince you that you had a role in his mis-wired brain. If he were an alcoholic who punched you in the face when he got home from work, NO ONE would tell you that you had a "role in his behavior", but for some reason in the abusive relationships brought on by ADD/ADHD, the spouse is somehow made to feel jointly responsible. That is sad. That is NOT what marriage is meant to be. When my husband's "reckless neglect" caused him to give our 6 and 7 year old matches to play with why he zoned out in ADD land, and I got angry, it was NOT my anger that caused him to give them matches. My anger came AFTER his actions. When he ran over our son with a shopping cart in the supermarket when he was 18 months old (because he zoned out and was not paying attention), it was NOT my fear/anger AFTERWARD that caused his action.
My husband was married for 17 years to his first wife. His first wife and I have nothing in common, not the same culture, not the same personality, not the same way we see the world, not the same race, not the same family history, not the same anything...EXCEPT the hell we both have gone through by choosing to marry this messed up individual. I've been married to him for 16 years and doubt I'll make it to 17. I was not there in his first marriage and his behaviors were EXACTLY the same (even he admits that). The only behavior of mine that contributes to his is the fact that I don't leave him.
For the original poster, you are lucky that he is not selfish, as that often comes with the territory (my husband is in the top 5% in terms of extreme ADHD). Don't let him make HIS problem yours. Isolate him in your marriage so that HE is the only one that deals with the consequences of his actions. They keep trying to draw us in to THEIR problems. They will ONLY start to get better when they feel 100% of the pain they cause rather than using their Teflon coating to insulate themselves from teh impact of their own actions.
misunderstanding?
Submitted by mariel on
Hi Really 123,
I'm sorry you have had such a horrible time with your husband.
I think you misunderstood me. I did not say that the poster's reactions caused or contributed to her husbands ADHD behaviours. I also did not say she should "recognise herself in his behaviour" (I haven't said that once so I don't really understand why you say "Please stop asking the non adhd spouse to reconize herself in his behaviour")
I ASKED her if she recognised herself in the description of non adhd spouses in Melissa's book. I asked because when I read the start of the book I instantly recognised the description of the non adhd spouse in myself - I have become an angry and bitter person, not someone that I want to be. To me the book does not suggest that the behaviour of the non adhd spouse had any part in bringing about the adhd behaviour and I don't think it does nor did I mean to suggest that it did. In fact I think completely the opposite - I have become angry and frustrated because I thought I was responsible for his behaviour - letting go of that belief is helping me to release being angry and nagging and criticising him. If the original poster DOESN'T recognise herself then that's not going to help her.
You talk about abusive relationships but I don't think that's what she described, do you? She asked for help and I was trying to help by sharing my understanding so far of the theory / books and of 20 years of marriage.
m x
I do have to chime in here
Submitted by redhead1017 on
I do have to chime in here and say that while Melissa's book is super helpful, I feel that she puts way, WAY too much responsibility on the shoulders of the non-ADHD spouse for the problems that are caused by ADHD. There were many moments in the book that felt like they were coming from a very fundamentalist, 1950's, patriarchal point of view; as if to say that if the wife (usually referred to as the non-ADHD spouse) would just get her act together things would be great.
I'm not saying the entire book was like that - just moments here and there that left me scratching my head a little. Overall I thought the book was very helpful.
I was referring to the fact
Submitted by Really123 on
I was referring to the fact that much of the behaviors that ADHD spouses subject their non-ADHD spouses to is tantamount to mental/emotional abuse. And people seem to react less sympathetically to mental/emotional abuse than they do to physical abuse, because there are no visible scars. If you hear many of the non-ADHD spouses talking in these forums they are classic examples of mental/emotional abuse (even if they don't say/fell it themselves). They are told to "examine their own reactions". Spouses who are physically abused are never told to "examine their own actions" to stop the physical abuse....
No need to get angry at an ADD/ADHD spouse, but there is also no need to put up with the constant mental/emotional abuse their behavior causes. You are allowed to be angry when someone mentally abuses you. Let's call a spade a spade...
I completely agree with your
Submitted by Really123 on
I completely agree with your opinion of Melissa's book. I am not a radical feminist by any means, but Melissa seems to be subtly saying "there is no hope, submission is the only way". She seems to act like all marriages "have to be saved". I believe in marriage as a choice, not an "institution", however, the way Melissa talks about how you should live with your ADHD spouse, it DEFINITELY is an "institution" i.e. mental instruction. LOL
I haven't read the whole book
Submitted by Lmanagesall on
I haven't read the whole book (I'm the non). Maybe Melissa has a marriage where she feels validated enough to want to save her marriage. I firmly believe in degrees of adhd. Maybe her spouses adhd falls amongst a line she knew she could live and work with. I believe it takes two, adhd or not. But some adhd's don't have the ability to deposit into a marriage. Melissa gives hope and solutions to those struggling. Accolades to her and him.
isn't the book for people who have decided though
Submitted by mariel on
i see what you are saying and aren't the books for people who have decided there's enough good in the marriage that they want to try and make it work? so it's not saying you should but if you hadn't already decided to give it another go then why would you be reading a book on making the relationship thrive? really123 said behind her husbands adhd he's a narcicist and he sounds so horrible that i don't think i would stay married to him let alone consider my own actions or be reading about a condition he has. as it is i think my husband generally acts with good intentions. i have recognised myself in the book and i don't want to keep acting how i have been doing. his adhd has made me act like someone i am not and if the book helps me get back to acting like i am happy with then that's great. you can't read a self help book and not expect that it will tell you to change right? i certainly don't read it as saying you should save a marriage at any cost. so long as my husband doesn't intend to case pain and is trying to work on it then it doesn't feel abusive to me. we are all so different aren't we. his level of expressed disinterest (not calling when i'm away, or even knowing where i am or forgetting birthdays) i actually find quite liberating after a first marriage to a very controlling and jealous person
mariel - I just want to thank
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
mariel - I just want to thank you for your words here. This is the wake-up call I think I need. The book only works if the marriage is salvageable...and I'm guessing the same would go for couples counselling, etc....and really123's situation is a lot more like mine than I care to admit sometimes...so that's the other part of your comment that woke me up. Why am I trying desperately to get someone help for something that may not make a huge improvement in the end anyway...and why am I walking on eggshells to try to get him to accept this help if he clearly does not want it or think he/we need it?