I have been married to my husband for 12 years and been together for 14 yrs. we have a ADHD son age 10. I am Non-ADD 37 and husband is 40. We are at the stage in our lives where we both believe it's just easier to divorce. I love my husband. I want to help him with his worrying.
Brief summary of us: I am a stay at home mom and he works at Hyundai motor manufacturing as he has been there for 9 years. I use to work but we agreed for me to stay home with our son. I was made aware early on husband has ADD. He is off his medication because he drank a few beers after work which led to lots of beers and I was worried about the effects so husband has been off his dextroamphetamine ADD med for 12yrs now.
It's been a living hell since 8yrs ago when he told me he was no longer going to provide me and my son food gas diapers formula and basic needs. So I got a credit card and hid it from him. I paid it off completely by going back to work. He got angry when he found out about it and I haven't worked since then. He threatened me that if I didn't take my name off all bank account ps, house, and vehicles he would divorce me so I did as he told me. I for the last 7 yrs get a allowance from him of $70 biweekly for gas and activities for our son. He gets angry when I ask for more money. He embarrasses me at the grocery store when we check out (I am not allowed to go without him) as he tells me is spend to much of his money.
in the last 3 yrs he paid off our house and our 2 vehicles. We are debt free. Recently he bought all new furniture for our living room and our sons room and realize that he didn't have enough credit built up because he hasn't had payments so he got a loan for $2000 and that is now paid off as well. He recently got a credit card in his name with a $1000 limit. He gave it to me to spend on our gas groceries only. I have put groceries gas and activities on it. He is angry at me for putting too much on it.
He is always telling me he won't be able to retire because of me, he always blames me for his problems. He refuses to sleep with me, he doesn't communicate, he watches tv when he has times, he never makes time for me or our son. He is always annoyed when I try to talk to him about things that are going on. He never apologizes, he says "I love you" but I believe it's just words. He isn't affectionic, I don't feel sexually connected to him anymore and he acts as if I need to do my wifely chore to have sex with him. He is controlling my life and our sons life. I holler and scream at him at this point because I am so sick of this mess.
I do not get along with his family as that is another whole topic. Why am I always to blame?
Why does he feel he need to say sorry?
Why does he feel he will never retire?
Why does he shut me out?
Why does he ignore me?
Why is it always a burden to take trips together?
why is he just married to his work?
why does he feel the money is just his?
Why does he not communicate?
why does he hate me?
what did I do?
why does he shut me out?
why does he answer a question with a question verses answering the question directly?
what is he afraid of?
where is my husband I married, loved, shared everything with, and had a child with?
I asked him to put me on all 5 bank accounts, house, cars and ect. He refused said I just want his money. I don't think I am being unreasonable I am tired of begging for money to go do the basic things in life like pay our sons soccer, go grocery shopping, buy our son clothes ect.. I am always to him his money problem. He told me he will never do that and if I didn't like the way things are then do what I need to do. I belive he is waiting on me to make the first move in filing for a divorce. I can't live in fear. I make excuses to friends that don't know I am not allowed on accounts when they ask if we can go to dinner (I don't have the money). We have $75,000 in savings accounts, and $100,000 in 401k. He makes $4,5000 a month. He works almost 7 days a week and 2 of those days he paid volunteers to work. He is married to his job.
My last straw before is divorce him and take everything from him.
HELP ME HELP HIM. I GIVE UP ANGRY MAD AND ABOUT TO DIVORCE
Back to meds
Submitted by sunlight on
Hi - short and sweet, I suspect the only way he is going to make any longterm improvements while also being in a relationship either now or in the future is to get back on meds. (It may be that without a relationship he copes well enough, you don't mention it, which is NOT to blame the other person in a relationship but to point out that his coping skills may not have been adequate to handle life plus family).
As far as I know dex is not a first-choice ADHD drug these days (it has higher street value than Adderall and can be difficult to get even with a prescription) - was he on dex because he had tried other meds? In any event, he seems to be in overload, short-circuiting, and his ADHD is not under control so he is attempting to exert control over his life by controlling you. He is probably working 7 days in order to avoid dealing with the stressors in his life (family) that he feels he can't cope with. His behavior to you has been and is completely unacceptable, and you're completely justified in how you feel (actually your post made me furious at what he has been dishing out and to be honest I think he's been getting away with it for far too long).
So your husband's move going forward if he wants to save his future relationship with his son should be to get back into ADHD treatment. If you're unable to get that across to him is there anyone he respects in his family or elsewhere who can convince him?
From your side, attempting to get him to communicate meaningfully is probably not going to be possible unless and until he gets treated (and it's possible that if he remains untreated then wrangling with him over custody and visitation might be hell if he chooses to be vindictive and it appears he can easily afford a lawyer). By the way, keeping secret what is going on is working just fine for him, he can bully you more easily that way and leaves you isolated, so the more you try to deal with things alone the more power he has, so don't be ashamed to tell people what is going on.
Bottom line - try to find a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD and get your husband to see him/her with a view to restarting meds. It's probably the best thing you can do for him. In the meantime, I think you have put up with his bullying for far too long and you should do whatever you can to provide a better home for you and your son.
(So you can see where I am coming from, I am non-ADHD female married to ADHD male who takes meds)
Self medicate himself
Submitted by Kathytracy32 on
I am not sure he will self medicate or go to dr for his dex. Our son is on dex has been for 6 yrs and no other meds work. I am afraid husband is too far gone and is such a deep state of mind to attempt to do anything about it. He is a honest hard working man like his father. His mother is controlling and very hateful so I see he takes after his mother and father in many ways. I am afraid that our son will follow in husbands footsteps. I worked for many years and I always had to work around his Hyundai rotation. (Night shift one month day shift another month). There is a high divorce rate at Hyundai motor manufacturing. He lied to me years ago say sign our Hyundai insurance didn't cover his dex. Our son has no problem getting his dex through his dr and our insurance. Husband was addicted to porn for several years and when confronted with it he lied to my face.
I am a nagging, angry wife, but lovable enough to fix our marriage and continue most days to get him help. I can't fix him. Pick am aware of all the sacrifices he has made for our family and am grateful everyday as I tell him. We have no debt house is paid for and cars. He hates to go on trips even though we have a Disney trip planned for christmas this year. He compares me to his coworker and he tells me I love to spend his money.
How do I help him if he is unwilling. To go back on his meds?
i as well on most days am just doing well enough to get up and cope with it all.
My love Is strong for another person to a degree.
His mother wrote a nasty letter to our sons school when he started K I found out and confronted her and she denied it. Last year his brother went through a divorce and I raised his kids for them. His wife has a drug and alcohol issue. I was accused by his other brother and my sister in law of having a affair with the brother. Ewww gross. I confronted them as well and they'd lied about saying it but I have it all recorded and documented. I do not get along with his family due to their control issues and their self destruct ways of trying to destroy my marriage. I am angry and hurt but keep trying to love and forgive as god did for me. Divorce is a bad thing according to the bible. We have both been through another marriage prior and he tells me his ex wife cheated on him. I was I a abusive marriage physically prior and I caught ex husband cheating on me and cleaned him out.
What are the first changes I should see in him if he gets back on his meds?
how can I help him through the process?
I am helping myself at this point by getting on my anxiety meds clonzepam.
I have installed a app to recover his passwords and look into the bank statements and log onto his work website to see if his hours are adding up. If we are unable to make this marriage work I will transfer half of money to another account and put a protection order out against him because he is going to go crazy angry. His money is all he has at this point. I am prepared to legally go forward. I have our safe place. He and his mother have told me they will take our son out of the country and I will never see him again. I was told our son has a passport. His family is crazy and I have told them all they are not welcomed at our home anymore. I have been called the B word by his brothers on my front doorsteps whe I asked them to leave our son was standing right there. His other brother Is crazy and doesn't raise his kids but allows his mother to raise them even though he has custody of them. His brother also works at Hyundai and his younger brother works for their dad at the business which my husband did prior to getting Hyundai job 9 yrs ago. Husband blames me for everything.
Help me help him.
Our insurance covers his meds
Submitted by Kathytracy32 on
Our insurance covers his meds and only cost $10 a month and as far as him ADHD counseling well guess what Hyundai provides that free of charge to him and any counceling needed.
We tyre do counceling yrs ago he sat there on his log and blamed me for everything. So I got mad and left.