This is my first time posting, though I've read through a lot of the articles on this site in the past. My husband of 10 years was diagnosed with adult ADD last year, and he's slowly gained a lot of insight into his condition. I'm fortunate to have a loving, conscientious husband...everything is great -- except, argh, the ADD! I feel battered down by it and I'm so, so tired...
He's out of town right now and already I feel re-energized. I feel bad that I almost couldn't wait to have the house to myself. But I feel great right now and I want it to stay that way. I've recently been diagnosed with mild depression, and while our marriage is quite strong, it hasn't been a picnic.
I've read so many articles about how I need to start accepting his ADD, and how the non-ADD spouse ought to change their expectations, and how I need to help him come up with solutions -- and I've done all of those things, and we have a really great system going now. The dishes get done, the lawn gets mowed, the trash goes out (well, the dogs don't get walked very much and his gym membership is going to waste, but I've learned to pick my battles). He does what he can around the house, but he won't work on his ADD -- no meds, no more counseling appointments, no new apps to help him stay on track.
I've done everything I can think of, and I'm just bodily exhausted. I can't really explain it, but I'm tired of being half-ignored, and half-depended-upon. I'm tired of bustling around, making lists, solving problems, and maintaining constant vigilance, while an out-of-focus blur stands dazedly in the middle of the kitchen, or sits in the corner with a laptop, hardly bothering to look up.
I feel like I'm living both of our lives, rather than just my own, because there's so much responsibility falling on me (bills, taxes, budgets, insurance, food, health, pets, friends, family, home maintenance, travel plans, on and on) and he just cruises along (I've tried to share the responsibility but that just falls apart -- he loses bills, forgets his mom's birthday, forgets to feed the dogs, so I gave up). It's so draining, and I don't feel like the person I used to be before we got married.
Recently, I got so exhausted that I left the house and stayed with my parents for a night. I wasn't mad, I just said I "needed to do something different." Getting out of the house made me feel like myself a little bit. And my absence seemed to give him real focus. He started organizing his own world a little bit, and he had more insights into how his brain works. I don't want to give off the wrong impression of our marriage, but I'm thinking an occasional night off for myself might help me refocus my own thoughts. We are literally together all the time (at work and at home), so a little time apart might be just what we need.
Has anyone just felt so tired that they can't even get mad anymore? Do any of you take "timeouts" from each other to gain a different perspective? Any suggestions on what else we might try? Thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to participating more in this forum!
Exhausting
Submitted by jennalemon on
What a great post 4everSD. You have done a good job at laying it out without the emotions many of us hang on to of resentment or frustration or anger or suspicion or fear or loneliness. Just the exhaustion. I hear you.
During many years of my marriage, Dh was a traveling salesman. Gone for a week or more out of every month. Our family worked smoother when he was gone. It was crazy-making when I was trying to respect and honor and give authority to him. He was pushy and self centered and immature and I was trying to honor and please and support him. I thought that love conquered all, but unconditional love does not always work. It was exhausting and crazy-making and I lost my self and my self respect. Now after all these years it is just sad that these are my memories of our life together.
I tried too hard and gave too much. If I had to do it over again, I would take the authority over myself and treat him like the child I now realize he has been. I would give him an allowance, I would make him have a paying regular continual job or kick him out. I would not believe his excuses or his lies. I would not give him the power I gave him to make me feel depressed about myself and my marriage. Now I realize that is what he would have been best with...a tough-love type, scheduling, consequences-driven disciplinary parent/spouse. He would rail and rant at me like a rebellious teenage delinquent but I would have had to have the backbone to not take his words personally and be his caretaker and parole officer. That was not in my nature.
" I'm living both of our lives "
Submitted by Standing on
Thank you for sharing this, 4everSD! Your entire post describes how I was feeling up until the past year of our ten together. This remark especially resonated with me: "I feel like I'm living both of our lives". When my spouse began his own business one year ago, and the stresses on him increased, I began to see the darker side of the ADD puzzle.
I don't have solutions, but I can tell you what I've done that feels like it is helping.
#1 has been sharing with a Counselor individually. This man is a clinical psychologist, a Christian, and I trust him to care about my best interests. Sometimes I begin to feel a mild irritation at him for not clearly understanding what I'm trying to communicate. Those are the key moments. I am coming to recognize that I tend to expect people to be able to read my mind, because often I am not nearly as clear as I think I'm being! By asking me simple questions and gently addressing my conflicting statements (which I can now see are a result of my internal conflicts about my husband), the bigger picture is gradually coming into better focus. So I'd say that the very best thing to do is to find someone with whom to share who represents the ideals and standards you hold and will help you to get re-aquainted with yourself. (I think that we tend to get lost in the add maelstrom).
#2 = As you remember who you are, journal about it. I use an online app. Write out all of the anger, the pain, the disappointments, the exhaustion, and anything else that may rise to the surface. All of that poison needs to get out. For some time, I would print my journal pages and take them to the counselor. He asked me to. At first, I was quite embarassed about that, but I did it, and life went on. This process helped me to come to terms with moving from being angry to being sad. Now I can see that a grieving process is necessary... to honor the death of expectations in order to regroup for a new beginning.
#3) = Set boundaries. This is the step I'm currently processing. In addition to the ADD & Marriage book, I got the book Boundaries In Marriage, by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. Since I work with my husband daily, too, this over exposure had taken an extreme toll on me (and on him, too, I suspect). Haven't gotten far with this yet, but I began by adding my name to the work schedule and penciling myself in for a day off. I know, sounds feeble, but I needed to do something to distinguish between the two of us and to make the point that I am not merely an extension of his thoughts, made to continually take up all of his slack. Also, his mother recently dropped in unannounced (to me), at our place of business. He knew she was coming. This time, I did not set aside my work to entertain her or to visit with her. (I see alot of commonalities between her and her son). Nobody thought I needed to know about her plan to visit, so I said hi and carried on as usual. The old me would have bent over backwards to compensate for his lacks (Both of their lacks!) of whatever this social skill is that takes other people into consideration(!!!!), but then I would be working today in order to get caught up. No way. I left this little situation right squarely between the two of them, where it belongs. In other words, I was ME, and not some more considerate version of either one of them. I am done taking responsibility for other peoples' choices and fixing the outcome.
I think that we must choose the responsibilities that we are willing to carry and then honor those. Draw some lines. I care for our pets, too. If I decided that they are not a part of our lives that I could willingly manage, then I would find them new homes. You see? It's a new paradigm. I still get exhausted when he decides to get all chatty at a late hour, but I am beginning to not feel bone-tired All the time. Baby steps.
Thank you, again, for your sharing here!!
Kudos to you!
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Standing,
I give you a lot of credit for the things you are doing to really make changes to the way you are thinking, and the way you look at your life with your ADHD husband. Sounds like you are getting a lot out of the counseling, and the journaling, and as you go forward with setting more boundaries, I know that too will make a difference inside of you.
All I can say is, good for you. I hope you feel really good about yourself!
Thank you, Nancie
Submitted by Standing on
I had not thought of feeling good about myself, only knew that finding balance was a matter of survival. To me, this is like ... ooo, what a novel idea! I can feel good about myself, whether my husband is happy or satisfied or pleased with me.... or not. That is definitely a piece of awareness I needed now, so thank you!
You know that book about the rollercoaster life of marriage to ADD? Well, his little cart is chugging up that steep incline, even as I type. Past couple days he is back in hyper mode, over-medicating, I suspect. His sleep patterns reflect that, as he is now getting up in the middle of the night to go to his shop to "play catch up" (which generally means surfing on his computer till it's late enough to begin texting a co-manic buddy, accomplishing nothing.)
So I am thinking about his little cart and the massive structure which upholds it, the "works" that make the whole thing go. I bailed out of the cart itself some time ago. Feels like that was when I divided our finances. Guess I thought that would be enough, but then I felt like the grungy little guy scurrying around in the midst of the screeching howl, applying oil to the machine, so I pitched the oilcan. Clearly, that was not enough either, as evidenced by my winding up feeling like the bent and worn wheels beneath his cart. It's simply gotten to the point where I need to choose between life and oblivion, and my counselor tells me that I am a survivor. So - I choose to live and let live. I wonder how long he will allow that to be enough.
With his current up-ramping, I feel the old fear nipping at my heart. Someone will be to blame for the next implosion and I am tempted to bend over backwards to ensure that the bullseye is not on my back. So I consider all the stuff I've tried before, that's failed. I cannot suggest to him that his lack of sleep is leading to disaster, because he insists that he knows best what he can and cannot manage. Knowing this, I generally tune do my best to tune him out and to mind my own business, awaiting the inevitable. I pretty much let him become invisible to me, avoiding all interaction. Guess it's my flight response, trying to shortcut his fight response. Not sure what might be a better alternative.
Sure, I can understand
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
4everSD,
I hope you find some answers and encouragement here on this forum.
"My husband of 10 years was diagnosed with adult ADD last year, and he's slowly gained a lot of insight into his condition."
Reading that your spouse has gained a lot of insight within one year of a diagnosis is a positive thing! Acknowledgement and taking responsibility on his part is important.
"I feel like I'm living both of our lives, rather than just my own, because there's so much responsibility falling on me (bills, taxes, budgets, insurance, food, health, pets, friends, family, home maintenance, travel plans, on and on) and he just cruises along (I've tried to share the responsibility but that just falls apart -- he loses bills, forgets his mom's birthday, forgets to feed the dogs, so I gave up). It's so draining, and I don't feel like the person I used to be before we got married."
I fully understand that comment!
Has anyone just felt so tired that they can't even get mad anymore?
Yes, I am numb.
Do any of you take "timeouts" from each other to gain a different perspective?
There are some activities my spouse enjoyed that I do not, such as camping, white-water rafting, being an adult advisor at an overnight church activity. He would go as the adult leader/chaperone on these outings with our Scouts or our Youth Group. After a while, I realized I did not participate, not so much as I didn't like the activities, but rather the peace and solitude of my spouse being away was a vacation for me! A mental vacation. A time away from the mind-boggling juggling of our lives, our children's lives and the financial bookwork of his construction business which tied into our family finances.
Once our children were in their teens, I started to plan weekends away for myself - scrapbooking retreats. Even if all I did while I was away was to sort and organize my photos or supplies - the peace and solitude was heavenly.
My spouse works from our home, so we have 24/7 access to his office/phone/paperwork/supplies/service van/materials, etc., etc., etc. No respite. No mind time away. No break from his work. It is always present.
Too soon too old, too late too smart. That is where I was. I am trying to find the upswing to a more positive way of existence. I do not want to exist, I want to live :) I hope every day, my spouse chooses to take the road with me. My own expereience has been the minute I decided to try to even out the keel on the responsibilies for our lives, the tide shifted, and it is gaining speed towards and unpleasant ending.
I am STILL here LOL, trying to shift the tides.
I look forward to reading what you have to share.
needing time-outs
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My spouse works from our home, so we have 24/7 access to his office/phone/paperwork/supplies/service van/materials, etc., etc., etc. No respite. No mind time away. No break from his work. It is always present." " I do not want to exist, I want to live :)"
I'm So Exhausted, I live this as well. My ADHD husband is home during the summers and is a professor during the college academic year, so he is home a LOT. There is no time to let down, no time away from the stress of his untreated ADHD. He starts a new medication in a few days, but has been off his current meds several days so that it's out of his system BEFORE he takes the new one. Plus, he is sick with a virus and has been in bed for a week. Stress is off the charts. I just can't handle it anymore without my body going into the shakes. I have chronic back pain and muscle spasms from thoracic outlet syndrome, so I have to take a diazepam to diminish the muscle spasms and shaking from nerves. Next doctor appointment, I'm going to ask him for something to help calm my anxiety because I am overly anxious and nervous now at this point. Too many years, gone on too long, trying to make sense of nonsense. I am proud that I've been able to separate the ADHD from the person of my husband, which helps. But, HE doesn't know the difference yet......therein lies a big problem.
I am too old to start a career at this point, and disabled from pain. That sounds like I'm a quitter, WHICH I'M NOT....I've always pushed hard and done what I had to do, but my body won't let me do it anymore. (that alone can play games with your head) I am sad that we are at this point in life where we thought we would have some great times looking forward towards retirement, but DH can't retire, we don't HAVE any money, (living paycheck to paycheck) and (not all professors get paid well) I'm going to have another conversation with him later tonight, (again) probably not a good time to talk being off meds, but it's NEVER a good time to talk. We've gone several rounds about that topic also. (When is it a good time to talk?) He doesn't like talking about this stuff anyway, so the answer to that is NEVER. His anger is now a constant thing and the snide remarks are almost constant now. I've tried to stay upbeat and not reply in any negative way, but it's wreaking havoc on my body because I internalize it. I have to get help myself to learn NOT to internalize the anger and stress that comes from him.
I'm with you. I want to live....not to exist. And all we have been doing is existing. And yes, I see an unpleasant ending coming as well, but I keep praying and holding on. I'm really hoping the ADHD counseling we are going to be going to will help.
Thank You
Submitted by 4everSD on
Thank you all for taking the time to write such thoughtful suggestions and sharing your experiences with me. Just getting my feelings out into the open has helped a little. I haven't really been able to talk about how ADD is affecting my marriage with anyone -- I've tried but no one really understands what I'm going through, and then I feel like I'm complaining.
An article that I read today noted that women talk about their dating life with their friends in great detail and it helps them relieve stress and find solutions, but once a woman is married, talking about private issues in her marriage seems off limits. Thus the woman loses a lot of the social support she needs to get through her problems. Has anyone found that to be the case? In any case, I am happy to have found a safe place to share here :)
jennalemon (30 Rock reference?), I really understand your comment about "trying to honor and please and support him." I realize I've spent so much of my energy doing these things, and it is indeed crazy-making. Perhaps I'm seeking validation from him that I'll never get. And if I do get it, will it really make me feel better, or is it something that needs to come from inside myself? I realize I've always been a pleaser, like my mother. So perhaps I need to find some way to treat myself well, and please myself, and not seek validation from others. But easier said than done!
Standing, your suggestions are great, and I'm glad to hear they've been helpful to you. I've been seeing a counselor, but not regularly enough, so I'm going to start booking more frequent appointments. And I did start a journal - it helps a lot. I don't write every day, but when I do, I feel a lot of relief and gain more insight into what's going on. I wish I started it earlier. The third step, setting boundaries, definitely feels like the hardest. A few months ago, I felt myself grow more assertive, and I started taking more control over what I would and would not do. But I kind of backslid last month and got really insecure -- I don't know why. I'm going to try to channel that assertiveness I felt before and be more aware of when I'm letting myself get pushed around.
I'm So Exhausted, it's clear by your name that you understand where I'm coming from! I love how you would plan weekends away just to do things that you enjoy. I will have to start doing that myself. Being together all the time is hard, especially when spouses work together. We work at an office, and then we come home and my husband works at home in his own time. I wish he would take up hobbies that got him out of the house, but since he won't, I am going to start planning to. I like your comment: "I do not want to exist, I want to live :)" I totally agree!
Thanks again for your comments and support!
I just wanted to comment on
Submitted by Ladybug3 on
I just wanted to comment on this because I was about to post a very similar post! I probably still will. :) My husband is wonderful in so many ways, but he is exhausting for me and it's only recently that I've come to realize it. Thankfully, he doesn't work from home. He's out of town right now and he calls to tell me how much he misses me and that's so sweet, but me? I'm loving having some space. (I do have three kids at home, but they actually do what I tell them to! And they like to do the same things I do, so we mostly have fun.) I do love my husband and I know he's trying really hard, although he's still not in treatment for his ADD that I know of. He has several issues that he's "working on" but I don't have much idea what he's doing. Anyway, I think the idea of you getting your own space is important. I also highly recommend you read both the ADHD Marriage books (I've only read one, but it was very helpful) and also both Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Even though they're not ADD books, they are helping me to establish boundaries that are good for me. I was not raised with good boundaries or to have any idea what that looked like. I finally believe that my happiness is important, too. My husband is wonderful in that he encourages me to do things for myself, but I've been resistant out of the fear that everything will fall apart. But at this point? I don't really care. I'm also in counseling because I realize that I have my own issues and if I want him to take care of himself, I need to take care of myself. He is responsible for himself and I am responsible for myself. I'm in the process of learning how to separate things so that we can have good boundaries and I can be protected without being controlling.
One of the best things I do for myself is take a night off! I either go out with girlfriends for drinks or just be alone (I'm an introvert and need huge amounts of alone time to be functional). I've even taken trips with friends without him. And I encourage him to do the same thing. Good luck!
Things are slowly getting better
Submitted by 4everSD on
Thanks for advice on the Boundaries books, Ladybug3! I've been reading Boundaries in Marriage and realized right away that I was allowing too much to cross my own boundaries, not just by my husband, but by almost everyone in my life! I have a hard time saying no, and I realized the stress I've been putting on myself. I've started taking steps to protect my boundaries, and I've already gained more confidence to ask for what I need.
Things got really hard a few weeks ago and I was on the edge of walking out of the relationship. I called a counselor who specializes in ADD and ADHD and went to the appointment on my own. Now we're in therapy as a couple, and things have definitely gotten better - it will be ongoing, but already the lines of communication have been opened and we're able to better express ourselves. I don't think we've had a fight since we started two weeks ago (whereas before we were fighting every day). I think that's really something!
I've also been working on staying calm and patient, and getting enough time to de-stress. I'm an introvert too, so I've scheduled a retreat for myself next month. I feel like now I have so much more breathing room. There's still a lot to work on, but progress is being made!