I met what I thought was my souls mate 4 years ago. Obstacle after obstacle, reason after reason, chaos after chaos has made the last 4 years a weekly roller coaster! A year and a half ago my partner finally begin taking medication for her ADHD. I know believe she is under medicated and under treated, but chooses to rely on just her one time doctor appointment and 4 pills a day to state she has made changes to better things and anything beyond that is just me wanting to change everything about her. Her personality changes daily, for 3 days she is completely in love with me and wants us to be as close as those sappy people in the movies, then, without notice (like a blink of an eye quick) she begins to say the most hurtful things and starts to act distant and secretive. She will go from saying "baby, you are my best friend and I don't want to spend a day without you! Let's make plans for this weekend. What should WE do?" To..".we don't have to spend all our time together, I have other people in my life you know! I don't have to like everything you like, I am not like you! I don't want to be so co-dependent on each other", etc. and these times seem to be around me looking forward to plans that were made....something we agreed on together and then she pulls away. Lately even saying "I am allowed to change my mind! You go if it is so important to you! I only agreed to go because it is easier to just agree with you then to be my true self". Usually, when plans are made I don't count they will happen. I have become accustomed to preparing I will be going and doing in my own and not even trusting she will be joining me or joining me enthusiastically.
but the other Friday seemed different and it has just broke my heart to, I worry, no return. I had been going to the beach a few times in my own (a beautiful hour drive there) and she was feeling sad that she never agreed to go. So on Tuesday she said let's cut out of work early and head to the beach for a few hours to relax and connect, watch the sun set and eat at the restaurant we love so much! It will feel really good to get away and just escape together! (We have been under some tremendous stressful situations lately). We talked about our escape all week! :). It was great!! It appeared she really wanted to go!! Come Friday morning I confirmed with her that she was still up to cutting out at 3:00 and just heading off to the beach...not needing to pack a bunch of stuff....and just GO! She yes! Absolutely!! I checked in at Noon....still good? Not too tired? Need a nap? Still okay not to pack a cooler or anything? Yes! Still good and excited! I actually dropped my walls and allowed myself to get excited and feel joy and happiness and I felt synergy with her! We were in tune and on the same page! This was something we both liked to do!! At 3:10 she says in an all too familiar tone, "I just don't get why we are leaving SO LATE! We won't have any time to pack food or drinks or anything to sit on and why would we drive for an hour just to spend an hour at the beach and then turn right around and drive an hour home? I just don't get it!!! Why can't we go tomorrow!!! I just don't get it!!
I will admit, that my balloon being popped stopped my ability to calmly bring her back to understanding. I began to feel all that joy, hope, synergy and connection disappearing and I started to act desprite! I said "WE planned this together, you suggested you! This was something we had in commen, something WE do! You picked the time because it worked better for our jobs, etc. she just became more and more adjitated and angry and stuck. I said "we were going to watch the sunset and eat at our restaurant". She said, "but why leave soooo late, why not just go tomorrow, etc etc etc.... I knew tomorrow would just as much as a crap shoot as believing today would work, so that promise just didn't help. She sleeps in until 11am then takes 2 hours to wake up and so it would be close to 3 anyways. And besides......it was so much more then just going to the beach! Does anyone else get that???
I began to cry and she yelled at me "OK!! Let's get in the fucking car and have an awesome time at the beach, for an hour!!! Some how the entire thing blew up into a huge fight.....I mean huge! One of those fights you never want to have, with threats of leaving and bringing up old baggage and her telling me she never tells me her feelings because I am a controlling bitch who only ever wants it her way!! There were threats of physical abuse....or you know..what do they call when animals make them selves look bigger to make the other feel weak? Posturing I think? Items got thrown. I was told non of her friends like me because I make them all nervous and they think I control her and I make her life a living hell. It just fell apart!! I was soooo devastated!! And when I would tell her that she just mocked me "oh....I am soooo devastated". We ended up fighting and staying away from each other then fighting, then staying away from each other, etc all weekend. The things she said to me during the fight sting to this day and have caused a rift between us that we are just barely getting over today.
we do love each other! We do want this to work and when it is....it is beautiful for both of us (I believe). But I just won't make any plans with her or get my hopes up for anything! What she says on Tuesday or Wednesday can change once the weekend comes and making any sort of reservations or traveling plans or buying tickets or even having people over CAN be such a mistake and a big let down! I know she wants to do better with follow through and being accountable. But any thing can happen, and usually does just at the last minute!
How do I deal?
Is she diagnosed bipolar? If
Submitted by copingSAH on
Is she diagnosed bipolar? If the meds are for ADHD... the meds might be making it worse especially if there is bipolar... you need to observe her highs and lows and make a note of it. Looks like issues with committing to plans (like my spouse, he will say generally the plan sounds good but never acts on it so it's always a NON-answer but enough to make someone else go away thinking everything is OK). The ADHD responds to every innocent comment/request and sees it as a demand/nag/command and therefore the defensive mechanism flies up and slaps you in the face. So the closer the event appears, the more suddenly on the attack they become. Our son is autistic and he exhibits the same oppositional behavior, everything is a threat, even if he sees a skillet in the sink (it's not supposed to be there! I'm freaked! I'm no longer going to wash my hands and you can't make me!)
I feel for your situation, I really do... I go through the same thing, getting all hopeful and then many times that anticipation gets dashed at the last minute. We can't go to the beach because ADD announces it's Memorial Day and he won't find a parking spot. But if he drives, instead of parking, he makes me get out at a spot so he can park the car at the farthest end of the parking lot. So he comes back to look for me at which time I should have just thrown myself into the ocean. :) He will be belligerent the whole time, not share the beach lunch I have planned, not even change into beach gear, keep his sneakers and jeans on in the sand, won't help the kids into the water to play with them. Then when it's time to go, we're walking half a mile to get to the car. When I ask him why he's parked so far, he'll blow up and say "you don't know what you're saying, the parking lot was FULL" which is not true because there's several parking spaces closer to the boardwalk. There's never anything that is actually shared or done together, other than just happening to be along for whatever "happens" with my ADD spouse.
When I try to make plans with other people to go on a trip together -- all of a sudden ADD will say, "well, I never said I didn't want to go!! Why are you keeping me out of things, you are a nag!!" It's exasperating beyond belief.
The only thing you can do is continue going to the beach by yourself -- that is the only time you are happy and nobody should steal that happy space from you. At some point, invite another friend along, just do it without fanfare, don't rub it in your partner's face, make it matter of fact you're going with a friend, if you need to do it at all. It's important to have some kind of human relationship, even if it's a platonic one just to get a feel of what's more conventional in a respectful meeting of the minds.
Good morning, thank you for
Submitted by Hope to peace on
Good morning, thank you for responding :)
she is under medicated and under treated! She grew up knowing she has ADHD and everyone just sees it as part of who she is. It took everything I had to get her to look into medication. She went once to a doctor to get on medication and has yet to ever go back. That was a year and a half ago. There was huge improvements but still so much water under the bridge with us that it was improvements in other areas of her life that our relationship received little bennifit (after all, I was the bad person who doesn't accept her just as she is). So any suggestion on my part that there might be something else or perhaps behavioral therapy would help (even if I put it on me) starts out being accepted but soon becomes just another thing I don't like about her. She never talks to her family and friends in front of me, so I don't know how much their opinions might inform hers. But she often quotes them as saying "all I want her to do is change and be someone different then who she is". It is rather frustrating because they don't live with her nor run a business with her nor have a life to live together. They get a snap shot and then judge me through it. They give her advice based on a Nirotypical relationship and, as far as I know, have NO CLUE! I am not one to stay in situations that aren't working and I can't stand whining and not following up with action, so this entire situation is just dis empowering me and I so want to just walk away! Maybe she is right, maybe we are polar opposites and I just didn't want to see it. Maybe it isn't her ADHD or ODD or bi-polar or something and she just grew into someone that we are no longer compatable and I was operating under the old ways and she has grown away from me. Maybe it is just time for me to give up for good, wish her the best and just give up on getting with her the life I want and is compatable with me. The problem is, I know I am her grounding factor and if I left she would loose it. I think she knows that too and that is why she is always pushing against me and saying we have a co-dependent relationship rather then seeing the beauty that we have together....a loving and supportive partnership with two people who enjoy being together and a partner who will work through all this by her side. What do I do when I see her out of control? We run a business together (a child development program) and lately she is just off the hook....sending children home for no reason and saying she had conversations about it with parents when I was standing right there and heard the conversation and she did not say anything about keeping their child home and the other day she was feeding the under twos 3 musketeers bars! She had shared the bite size with all the kids (that's ok) but then she kept giving more and more to the babies! She looked up at me and said (after seeing my expression) What? They like them and I am going to get back at their parents by sending them home all sugared up".....I know she was joking, but just kept feeding them candy.....like she couldn't stop herself! If I say anything, she just follows up with another situation and another and another or she starts judging and commenting on everything I do then says she is just treating me the way I treat her. I can't get away from this.....once one little rip happens it is like a slippery slop! And it can be me that starts it, or her Ex (they have a 7 year old together and her EX is just obnoxious constently causing issues and the two of the. Have such competition against each other) or a child care parent, or some other outside force......and there starts to be a minor issue and it starts! This opposition to everyone.....pay back! And guess what....all this shit just oppresses any ANY room for romance, sex, dreaming about or planning a future to the point where most of our relationship is joyless.
the really sad thing is......in my heart of hearts I really don't think this is who she is! And I know she would do better if I could just see her in her best light and the universe would respond if I could just get out of my own way. But it is issue after issue and I recover from one only to be slammed into another. I can't leave because I do feel there is hope, but I don't want to live my life in this way anymore. Just holding out hope for better, life isn't going to become less stressful in the long run and until she/we get some help I am afraid it will continue to be a constent roller coaster and up and down daily and I won't do it, I won't spend the rest of my life hopeless and constently fighting to find some little bit of happiness mixed in with the sadness and disapoiintment. I was in a very unhappy marriage for 18 years and only stayed because of the kids. When I finally left my soul felt so free! I won't live like that again.
thank you for listening. This is a very lonely journey no one else understands.