I recently started seeing someone and while there are many great qualities about him, the way that he behaves in public makes me uncomfortable. I'm having a really hard time wondering if it's worth it to stay, how to talk to him without hurting his feelings or making it seem like I'm trying to change him. Also, I've been feeling guilty and awful that it bothers me this much, and maybe the issue is my own.
How we met was that he saw me sitting at a table and came right up to me and sat down and started to talk to me. He was REALLY talkative and energetic, (and 8 years younger than me) but I found it endearing that he was confident enough to strike up a conversation with a total stranger. He asked me for my phone number before he left and his personality intrigued me, so I said sure. We went out on our first date and it went really well... it was just a little different than I was used to, but mostly in a good way. He was really intense and positive in the way that he talked. He asked incredibly deep questions right off the bat because he instantly wanted to really get to know me. Deep and stimulating conversation is very key to him. He would also listen very attentively but also be fidgeting a little while doing so. Then he starts striking up conversations, loudly, with people sitting next to us. For me, being more of a laid back and quiet person, it was different. I appreciated he was so nice and social but it was a little awkward too. However as weeks passed we spent more and more time together. The conversations are almost always deep and challenging intellectually, which is a positive. He is very sweet, caring, and wants to do things to make me happy. We get along, share many of the same values, want the same things, but I'm having a difficult time getting over certain aspects of his ADHD, mainly how he acts in social situations. He is very loud, sometimes inappropriate, and seemingly feels the need to talk to anyone and everyone when we're out in public. For me, where I don't like to be the center of attention, it can get to be pretty embarrassing and uncomfortable. I struggle with this because I also realize it's my own issues of caring too much what others think. But it's also causing me to be nervous about introducing him to my co-workers, friends and family and I realize that's not good.
He told me he was diagnosed as a child, associated taking adderol with being stupid, became ultra dependent on them throughout his whole life and found that they numbed him emotionally, and that they caused him to calm down to the point of not wanting to socialize. So, he stopped taking them. He understands that his hyperness can be annoying and he's been told that many times. I just don't know how to express my feelings without coming off as hey, I understand you have a disorder but you need to change in order for it to work. I feel awful and like I'm being a b*tch and that I'm wasting an opportunity for a great relationship because of how he makes me feel in social situations.
Am I the only one that experiences and struggles with this? Any advice?
similar situation
Submitted by Smokey on
Hi Rach,
I relate a lot to what you're describing here. My ADHD BF of 10 years does not have the hyperactive/loudness that you describe but definitely is impulsive in his social interactions. He tends to say exactly what comes to mind no matter how rude or offensive. He has done so not only at the expense of relationships with his own friends, but also with my friends and family. He tends to see people as all good or all bad. Either someone is a great friend or they're not worth respecting. He also has a certain sense of "entitlement" -- if someone does something rude or mean to him, he feels that he has the right to retaliate instead of being the bigger person.
So our situations are somewhat different but the bottom line is that I don't always feel comfortable introducing him to new people as he has already damaged several of my friendships. Knowing that my friends don't like him makes me feel incredibly isolated because they don't like him and so I can't talk to them about the significant challenges that I face with his ADHD. Because, like you, at the end of the day I adore this man and appreciate so much all of the exciting and stimulating conversations that we have -- it makes me feel close to him and honestly this type of intellectual exchange is at the top of my list of traits I look for in a partner. And I have absolutely no patience for pity from my friends, or for them saying negative things about him, even if he did act rudely or inappropriately a few times. It's gotten to the point where I just don't talk about my relationship at all. Yes, this is partly because of his behavior. But the way I see it, this is also partly because of their intolerance of and lack of empathy for mental health issues.
It's not fun to feel socially isolated in your relationship no matter how much the two of you love spending time alone. My BF and I are both extreme introverts and love spending time at home together, so this doesn't come up all the time, but when it does, it's very painful, especially when it comes to my family.
That being said, things have gotten better slowly over time, even though his ADHD is untreated. I have to say that for us, this progress mostly resulted from many, many painful conversations over the years. As I have learned to communicate with him better, he has come to have more empathy for me and realize that it's not okay to sabotage my relationships, that he has to be kind and polite to my family no matter what. It is a very delicate conversation to have. Many times, I have hurt him deeply as he saw me as criticizing the way he is, the way he acts -- like I'm accusing him of being a jerk, or like I'm taking their side over his. Honestly, I can't blame him for feeling this way, as I have made a lot of communication mistakes over the years. It takes a lot of work to figure out how to get through to him, how to help him have empathy for you, without crossing the line over to criticism. I have to remind myself: this is a good man who has impulse control problems. He's not trying to hurt me. He doesn't want to disappoint me. He wants to be loved and accepted and understood by me.
It's important not to make your requests personal. "you embarrass me when you talk too much" sounds a lot more critical that "I love talking with you and listening to you, sometimes when we're in public I just want you all to myself....do you think you could focus on me and keep the outside conversations to a minimum?" Keep the conversation geared toward how much you appreciate all his wonderful qualities, which should be doable since you definitely recognize wonderful things about him! Don't expect things to change right away, though. Remember, he has been living with ADHD his whole life, which means he has probably been around a lot of people who think of him as inappropriate and obnoxious. I think that feeling defensive and hurt when people try to change your behavior comes with the ADHD terrotory from all the years of not being good enough, starting from a very early age.
In my case, I used to say things along the lines of, "Why did you have to make such an inappropriate comment! What are people going to think of us when you say things like that! You make people uncomfortable and embarrass me!" (I know, awful, right? But I was confused, angry....and very young.) Now, it's more like this: "I completely agree with you, she was being rude for no reason. I'm actually really mad at her for the way she treated you, and if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to her about that later. But when you fight back, things just escalate. It would really help me if you could let it go. We both know she was being a jerk, so can we just leave it at that?"
This kind of "us against the world" mentality made a big difference.
Because at the end of the day, yes, he's inappropriate and rude sometimes. But he has ADHD. What's their excuse for not being the bigger person? When it comes down to it, even when I'm furious at him, I'm on his side. This can be very difficult to navigate emotionally, Like you, I am a quiet, private person, I don't do things to "make waves" in social situations. My last piece of advice to you is simply to try to develop thicker skin to a certain extent, learn that in a relationship, things are not always going to take place within your comfort zone. This is part of what's good about relationships, too. Next time he's being loud in public, and you can't stop him in the moment, try to recalibrate your expectations. I say to myself, "this is uncomfortable, and I don't like it, but what's the worst that can happen??"
You may have a head start on this problem in your relationship, since you and your BF are new to each other, and you know about his ADHD right off the bat. I have been dealing with this problem for 10 years but just started reading about ADHD this past month. Good luck to you! I hope some of my experience has been useful to you.
Rach1102,
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Rach1102,
Sounds like you are really doing your best to be sensitive to your new boyfriend, and that you don't want to do anything to jeopardize your relationship. And it sounds like he is a bit intense and impulsive, as is common for some with untreated ADHD, which may cause other issues down the road. It's too bad he could not find another medication that suited him better that would not numb his feelings. They don't all do that. However, that might not change how he interacts with others in public situations. He might just be that kind of guy. When you feel comfortable enough, you might want to say something like, "I really appreciate how friendly you are, and how much you like interacting with others, but I'm a bit more private than that." And like Frida said, you might say, "Sometimes I'd prefer it if you just interacted with me." Then you might ask him if you could give him a cue when you're in public and he's doing it again, like a tap on the hand or the arm, something that says, "Be with me, please." If he really likes you, he should be able to take the cue from you. The use of a cue can be very helpful in just letting someone with ADHD know that their behavior is just a bit over the top, and if you handle it well, he shouldn't take offense to it.
Best of luck to you.