I'm in tears. We've been together for five years. We managed through the most difficult time of getting ADHD/Asperger's diagnosed, her denial, slow treatment. I almost left, twice. But it got better. It is better. But I've also allowed certain things to become my normal. Like sometimes feeling a low lying sense of aloneness even though she's there. I know she loves me to the ends of the Earth, but only because I've come to understand how she expresses it. But how she expresses it doesn't make me feel loved or appreciated. It's just me interpreting her actions (like doing the dishes - a monumental task) and remembering, that's how she tries to show she values our relationship.
I need more than that. I was very hurt today by her neglectful behaviors over the week. And I know that sometimes she's slow in coming around to acknowledge, apologize or remedy her actions (or lack of them), even after reminders. And I know that her symptoms are not personal. But it still hurts. It's disappointing when her symptoms act up...
At this point, I'm not even looking for a way to change it. Just saying that it just hurts to have to keep dealing with it.
Ditto
Submitted by nickyadams6 on
It's like we're living with the same person but it's my husband! Five years diagnosed with adhd over a year ago he also has bipolar and in February this year had a heart attack which has really thrown it all out of wack! I've never been on a forum before but just knowing there are other people out there going through similar experiences really helps.
Tears
Submitted by dedelight4 on
beingNT, your post brought tears to my eyes, and I felt your pain. There ARE men with ADHD wives, and it's great to hear from them on this forum. There are more women here, but that's changing, and I'm so glad you wrote. This condition (ADHD) is very incidious, and it seems to hurt everyone emotionally involved. My husband is also severely ADHD, was just put on new meds, but isn't getting behavioral therapy, yet. We've been married 31 years, and even though I love him very much, it's been a hard, lonely road. No intimacy, lack of sex, hardly any touching or hugging unless I initiate it, harsh comments, negativity, and all the other traits you can imagine. But, this is a great forum where you can come. I've learned a LOT about myself, AND ADHD on this site. Melissa's book about ADHD marriage, is an incredible book, if you haven't already read it. I just wanted to say HI, and that you are DEFINITELY...NOT ALONE. :)
Thank you
Submitted by beingNT on
Thank you to both of you. Your words are comforting. Just knowing that I'm not alone. This forum is for us to support each other too.
I sincerely hope for both of you, that your spouses continue to get the help they need, and we get it too.
My wife is a beautiful person, and the ADHD is a rather painful thorn... to put it mildly.
One thing I've learned for sure, is how to take better care of myself... still something in progress.
Up for the challenge
Submitted by nickyadams6 on
The 5 Languages of Love
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
Have you ever read The 5 Languages of Love? This book actually has nothing to do with ADHD, but with the way different people express love. Quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. My husband often shows his love through gifts, whereas I would prefer physical touch. I suppose I show my love mainly through acts of service, though he prefers words of affirmation. Maybe you and your wife just need to talk about the different ways to show love and make little "goals" to show each other in different ways.
Read it more than once together
Submitted by beingNT on
I appreciate the suggestion and think it's good for any couple (ADHD or non). We own the book. She read it before she met me. I read it before I met her. We then read it again together. And then a second time a few years later! Knowing what each other's love languages are isn't the issue - we have the same ones... it's the ADHD (she forgets, gets self-centred, distracted, her electronic reminders expire and she lapses in resetting them, falls out of her routine etc). She feels loved by me and is and has always been extremely happy with me. I'm consistent in showing love. It's me who gets disheartened or feels unloved at times by her. We have gentle cues to remind her to remember to show me that I'm loved (or to do her chores or whatever she needs to remember to do), but it gets tiring to keep 'cueing'. That's all. I notice she's better when she's taking her medications and going to therapy for ADHD - so it definitely seems more symptomatic of her condition.
Hi beingNT
Submitted by c ur self on
6 years here:)...My wife's your wife's twin...Its going to be OK, you have a good understanding of what's going on...Just stay focused on loving her, and try not place to many expectations on either of you...My wife's love language is affirmation...Like many adder's...Mine's physical touch...like most men:)...Although, I'm not to much of a firm believer in the book...I think if you took any of them completely away, there would be a whole in our relationship....Blessings friend, and welcome to the forum...I've been on it about 4 or months...Its been a blessing....
Comforting
Submitted by beingNT on
Thanks - and good to hear you've got some relatively happy longevity in your relationship. Always a work in progress. Many books and theories on relationship. I take whatever sound bits work for us. We're reading through the Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD right now. I know every relationship has it's issues... seems ADHD brings a whole different set. But we do have fun together. And when things get hard, we are able to talk about it and we both do our best to make things better.
Well, if you've got my wife's twin ;) , what do you do to keep yourself sane and happy?
Curious too - what's your critique on the love language book?
Sane and Happy ;) Love it!
Submitted by c ur self on
Here's the critical points for me...1) One C My-Self, hear myself, try to never use her daily style of living in this world, (faulty or not) as an excuse to lesson my responsibility as a husband. Add can never be an excuse for either of you to be ugly, so try not to over use the term and make it a huge negative stone around your necks...Just what the enemy wants... She's not broken.
2) Boundaries...All marriage's need them to promote mutual respect, esp...when our convictions toward life are so different, just like friendships and all relationships.
3) I have more time to see after my responsibilities these days since I retired, under the circumstances, it took some of the pressure off.
4) I ride my bike up the street at a large cemetery most days about 90 minutes...It is good for me and it is an awesome time for pray, and reflection, I just put my ear buds in and play my favorite music on Pandora...Huge stress reliever...
5) I also like to hunt, fish, camp, hike etc...Don't get to do a lot of it,but its nice....I have a fantasy BB team, and I do SEC fantasy collage football with friends...It doesn't take long to set it up each week, and it cures my competitive edge...Sure have learned my lesson (except in those brain dead moments) about competing with my wife :)...
6) Always remember to never mother your wife...You are responsible to her to love her and be a faithful leader in your home...But, you are not responsible for anything she say's or does...Never take that on, it only generates strife and bitterness in your own heart....Never entertain bad behavior, walk away quiet is always the best...If you can have constructive conversations...No interruptions, No escalated emotions..then that is awesome...Maybe you can work through things lovingly...But, never force things when add is present, it will escalate faster than a cat can lick his tail...
7) Just remember, your marriage may never look like the next guy's, but who care's as long as love and peace can be had...So i suggest you focus on acceptance, love, and mutual respect...Pray for wisdom...
The book well like I said, I do not think we love each other in 5 easy steps...But, I do think there is some merit to the things listed...Because they are biblical...I just think, we have to be careful about buying into the ways of man looking for truth, when truth is a person.
Sorry, for being over instructive...Just my way of reaching out;)
:) Cheers!
Submitted by beingNT on
Your response cheers me up :)
Yeah, hearing myself is important. Seeing myself. I have to make sure I don't 'parent' her. Much better now. And that I don't seek her approval either in order to feel good about me (can't control her moods).
I'm getting better at setting my personal boundaries. Part of that self-care piece for loved ones of ADHDer's.
I'm not retired (yet), but getting there! :) I do make time to play sports, go to the gym, see friends, and just be by myself. Make time for reflection, gratitude, sitting still.
I don't think I'm very competitive with my wife. I haven't really consciously thought much about that, expect in terms of avoiding co-dependency. She'd probably say I'm supportive. Actually, she does say that. I think I'm more competitive with myself!
I've learned to walk away (it's a conscious effort not to react) when ADHD is rearing it's head too strong, and she's learned that also (to protect me). And when it's okay, we confront it too.
It's all a journey of wisdom right?
Yeah, love definitely isn't 5 easy steps! Seems more like a galaxy of a gzillion interesting planets and stars to explore! And steering clear of black holes!
Hope you get to spend some time in the great outdoors this summer :)
I used to hunt and fish too (not anymore). Nature is calming and uplifting for me. I get outside as much as I can.
Glad to hear you are doing awesome!
Cheers;)
Submitted by c ur self on
(And that I don't seek her approval either in order to feel good about me (can't control her moods).) Thanks for putting this nugget of wisdom in your post...It was good for me to here someone else say it... This was something I've had to deal with...I've always took my headship in my marriage seriously, as a servant leader...My first wife of 30 years whom passed away w/breast cancer at age 49, would show appreciation for my efforts around the house and with meal and the children...Her job hours didn't end until 5pm, my ended at 3:30. So, if I had started supper or had picked up in the house. I would get a smile or some show of her appreciation and acknowledgement. Although, if you would have asked me at the time, if the show of appreciation was important to me. I probably would have said, not so much...But, when everything you do to help move the daily living chores along to completion is not only ignored but are so contray to the messy seat of the pants life style she would have prefered, and was use to, she actually was offended by my trying to be responsible and a good steward of what we had...So, it became real important that my emotions don't hang on her approval...It can be tough;)
(I've learned to walk away (it's a conscious effort not to react) when ADHD is rearing it's head too strong, and she's learned that also (to protect me). And when it's okay, we confront it too.) I love your outlook...If all couples where add/adhd is present (mine included) could get to the point of self-control and mutual respect to handle their selves in the manner you have stated her. In believe it would eliminate much suffering.
It's all a journey of wisdom right? Yes, beingNT it is...Blessing Friend!