Hello All
Pretty new to this. Hubby and I split up back in April and have since stumbled upon this amazing resource, are awaiting a formal diagnosis, but in the meantime have started Melissas couples course.
When we first started speaking about the possibility of trying to work things out "differently" hubby seemed uber excited and happy to try anything to get us back on track. I am REALLY looking at the Symptom/response/response side of things for me and am really trying 110% to try and figure out what is a symptom etc and make extra allowances and be extra patient. (and will happily admit I have screwed up on more than one occassion, BUT I have taken ownership and apologised unreservedly)
Fast forward to we are now in August, and every 2 weeks or so I am having to deal with bouts of extreme anger from him when all I am doing is following the advice from the books, forum and the seminar. The most recent blow up was over (of all things) a Kitchen cabinet!!! We live separately and I Have just moved into a new rented house. He keeps leaning on one of the cabinets and knocking off the handle. This has happened on more than one occassion and I asked him nicely to stop leaning on things and breaking them! (not unreasonable I didn't think) - He immediately blew up, started yelling at me that I was controlling him (eh??) I went outside and let him calm down (or so I thought) and then very calmly asked him why me asking him to be respectful of my property and home made him so angry. I am trying to understand about ADHD and about how he ticks, but is this always going to be the case when I am asking him to be respectful of my boundaries? I asked him nicely to stop yelling at me, to which he ignored me and carried on yelling, I then asked again and said I would ask him to leave if he continued (I thought giving him an opportunity to take a time out/deal with overwhelm) and still he carried on. I then told him he would have to leave as I had not done anything to deserve being spoken to so disrespectfully, and so he left. As soon as he got back to his place the angry text messages started, accusing me of not caring about wanting us to get back together (why would i be doing any of this if that was the case??) I pointed out that I was unprepared to have drawn out knock em down fights. ESPECIALLY over text! He is still in a mood 2 days later. we have not seen each other and have agreed to meet up tonight to talk - To be honest I don't really want to. I am really wondering from reading all I read on this site if this is always the way it is going to be - every couple of weeks or so he's going to blow up, yell at me, say all kinds of crap that isn't true and then expect to carry on like nothing has happened? I am genuinely working on me, on not letting his distraction bother me (when he left in a mood instead of sitting home and brooding, went out with a girlfriend, and made arrangements to do the same the next day), trying to clarify things I say to make sure there is no misunderstanding. NOT Parenting him at all, of course I'm not getting it right all the time - but I am TRYING MY BEST!!!!!!! Will a formal diagnosis and meds help any? I honestly don't know - just trying to hang in here and be patient :(
Asking nicely..
Submitted by Standing on
Let me preface this by saying that there is no excuse, under any circumstances, for him to blow up at you that way.
But here's the thing - my guess is, he is not hearing the "nicely" part of it; he is only hearing criticism and condemnation. You can't change his perception or his response in the moment. What you can do, is this: You can talk about the topic (whether it's leaning on things or whatever) during a calm time, when the two of you have a good rapport, so that the next time (and yes, there will be a next time) he leans on something, he might either a) catch himself before he breaks something or b) sincerely apologize after it breaks. You see? His reactions to his own "failings" can change, but he's still going to goof. Therefore, it's crucial that your own attitude toward him be accepting of his foibles. He's not disrespecting you or your property by forgetting, he's simply being... himself.
That's my theory and I hope it helps. (I am not add, but I am a natural born clutz and so is one of my kids, so I have had to develop lots of stamina and patience in this area :))
Dipity
Submitted by sunlight on
"I am really wondering from reading all I read on this site if this is always the way it is going to be - every couple of weeks or so he's going to blow up, yell at me, say all kinds of crap that isn't true and then expect to carry on like nothing has happened?"
I have to preface by saying that everyone is different, and we don't know him or why he is really behaving that way. So I'm really just speculating. But it does not have to be the way you describe.
"Will a formal diagnosis and meds help any?"
There may be some phases to work through:
1/ Diagnosis is an irreversible step. If it turns out that he is diagnosed then he may kick against the unforgettable reality that he really does have a recognized brain disorder. This can be a huge thing for anyone to accept. So he and you may experience a rough patch purely from the diagnosis. On the other hand it may be a huge relief to him that he no longer doesn't know why he behaves as he does (he may now know all the details but he will know that there's a name for it and therefore hope that other people understand it - try to encourage the hope...). So you should be prepared for either or both reactions. He may find the diagnosis a stressful occurrence, which may generate more anger until he accepts it. In the meantime it would be especially important for you to carry on as normal, not be dragged into over-reactions or the knock-down drag-out fights over who knows what, and (if I can put it this way) be the calm adult in the room if he finds life especially difficult for a while. So this phase may or may not add anger, but I think you won't find out until it happens. Being mentally prepared is all you can do, that's my guess.
2/ Meds can make remarkable differences to anger, depending on the type and causes of the anger. Firstly, certainly if meds make anger worse, or create outbursts where they did not occur before, then that's a Big Red Flag that the particular medication is inappropriate, at the wrong dosage, or needs to be combined with another drug. That's a matter for the doctor, but it is very important that the doctor gets accurate feedback and your husband may not be the best person at perceiving his reactions so keep a wary eye out for what he appears to be telling the doctor, or try to get your own feedback included in his visits. Secondly, extreme rages are sometimes a reaction to frustration, which may be greatly reduced on the right medication or the right combination of medications. Without the frustration the build up goes away or is greatly reduced but your husband may not have had much practice in handling the more 'normal' levels of irritation or anger that we all experience, so may go through a learning curve. If he has a neurological reason for the anger, then again medications can often be found. But if he exhibits a lot of passive-aggressive behavior that he learned as a way to deal with, avoid, or express his hostility at the world in response to feeling misunderstood then that's probably harder to deal with than explosive rages. Medication probably won't fix passive-aggressiveness. I suggest he has to get the outbursts under control (and it's *very* important that your husband is honest about his anger to his doctor) and see what is left, everyone is so individual that there's no 'one-size fits all' here.
"carry on like nothing has happened"
His outward actions may look as though he's moved on and forgotten it but it may be that he knows very well what happened (at least from his persective, he would struggle to understand yours) but has no idea why or (far worse for him to contemplate) what to do about it. In turn internalizing these feelings increases the pressure, increases his frustration at himself and re-starts the slow build-up of lava until the next eruption is triggered. That's my understanding from my husband. His experience shows that the anger can be hugely reduced by medication, he is only one person but at least shows that a positive outcome is possible.