I am sitting at my desk looking out the back sliding doors. The birds are all over the feeders, directly off the west end of the deck. The awning is swaying gently. There to the right - is the barn. And buckets of stuff. And a wheelbarrow. And totes. And metal. And rolls of plastic pipe. And an old cart for stackable chairs. And some plastic milk cartons full of miscellaneous things.
My request has been to keep stuff out of the line of view out the back doors. This is an adjusted request - the original included keeping stuff out of the line of view out the kitchen window AND the sliding glass doors.
In my own brain, I decided it was not as important to have a nice view from the kitchen window as it was to have a nice view while I worked at my desk.
My desk sits in the office. Which is directly east of the livingroom. There is a window between the office and the livingroom. From my desk, I see through that window, over the back of the couch, out the back sliding doors.
Some options I have are to ignore the stuff. Pull the vertical blinds halfway across the doors so it blocks the view of the stuff. Go move the stuff.
Let's just forget for a moment marriage. Let's just imagine this is a situation between roommates, or friends or neighbors.
This house sits on 10 acres, I'd say about evenly 1/4 west, and 1/4 north of the property lines, in that lower left hand corner. All the rest of the property is open land with a few trees scattered about. .
Is this a power-struggle?
Is this just being ignored?
This is some big bone of contention for me. It makes me feel disrespected. It frustrates me to have no where to just relax and enjoy the view.
Is this ADHD? Is this total disregard for my wishes? Is this "You ain't telling me what to do lady." Is this he is just so overwhelmed with everything, he can't think straight? What, in the name of all things pleasant is this? What is so hard about not plopping things in this area of the yard?
It may seem immaterial. For me, it is one of those annoyances that would be overlooked if there wasn't already so much on my brain.
It is also a little corner of the space, a tiny place to start, and maybe hope to branch out.
For now, let's just look at this corner. ADHD. Man. Woman. Sharing. Compromising. Conflict resolution.
Special Days
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Monday. Labor Day. A holiday for many of us. After my post on Friday, I tidied the yard. I asked my spouse if he would be offended if moved some of his things about 8 feet to the north, to place them out of the line of vision through the sliding doors. Nope, He would not mind at all. And he left for his camping day with his friend. When he got home on Saturday he parked the RV right in that line of vision, because it is right by the septic tank, and he would move it at soon as he emptied the holding tanks on the RV. And he did move the RV yesterday. Since the septic tank was open, he would do some maintenance on it, so he put a submersible pump down in the tank, hanging by a rope on a stick lying across the septic tank hole, strung an extension cord across the yard, stuck a long stirring hoe down in the septic tank, disconnected my patio faucet so he could have a hose of running water to the septic, placed a big yellow 55 gallon trash bucket as a cover over the septic. . . . and we went to the fair. When we got home, his back hurt, so he went to lie down in the RV and read the new book I got for him at the booksale. Then this morning he got up, did some stuff in the barn, and said he was going to work on a job that has been pending all summer. So he left - - with all the paraphernalia around the septic - right in the line of vision out the back window, on Labor Day. Sigh. I moved his equipment so I could enjoy my view for the holiday.
And I DO understand he has a lot to do. This is why I want to scale down.
And I DO understand that his brain extends everything he does - because it is how his brain works.
And I DO appreciate that he will take care of the maintenance of the septic tank and I do not have to.
And I DO respect his own choices to go to work if he so chooses.
And I . . . honestly, truthfully have gotten so weary. . . . . . and need to haul water to the patio to fill the birdbath and water the planters because he disconnected the water from the patio. . . . . . . . and I DO FEEL SAD because he cannot see how his actions have a ripple effect on others.
Curses. His time blindness. Now and not now. What he is doing trumps what I am hoping for. . . . . What is so out of balance is I have tried 500 ways to understand and adjust how I see things and adjust my expectations. . . . and the only things I have to go on is his current past behavior. I get no comfort in wanting to get blasted by his angry words.
I want our lives to get in balance for both of us. He wants me to understand him. He is sad, and over worked and sunk deep deep deep into his misery.
Can't love him out of it. Can't coax him out of it. Can't inspire him out of it. Can't encourage him out of it. In the kindest most loving way I can say it, I am not responsible for his happiness. I can add to it. I can help it. I cannot BE it.
"Can't love him out of it.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"Can't love him out of it. Can't coax him out of it. Can't inspire him out of it. Can't encourage him out of it. In the kindest most loving way I can say it, I am not responsible for his happiness."
Very important lesson I learned the hard way. I CAN'T LOVE HIM OUT OF IT and CAN'T INSPIRE HIM OUT OF IT. Nothing I did, nor any example I set made any difference in my ADHD husband's life. He was not aware of MY behaviors, unless it was something really negative that he didn't like. But, no matter how much positive I did or said, he never made the "connection" to his OWN life. Example: "Wow, I really appreciate that my wife works SO HARD to make our house presentable, and makes large family holiday dinners that includes friends, etc, She's always got my back when I need her".. "She brings me things I forget several times a week". "She is always picking up my slack".........NO........there just isn't ANYTHING like that at all.
I recently had a talk about this with him because he told me "I haven't felt loved in a long time". (coming from a guy who hasn't shown me affection in over 20 years, and a long term affair included) I was shocked by this statement, and told him how long I HADN'T FELT LOVED. We haven't had sex in over 5 years now, and it doesn't look like there will be ever again. I told him I did everything I possibly could, year after year to physically SHOW him affection, hugs, kisses, love notes in lunches, smiles, kindness, flirting, trying to make sex more exciting, YOU NAME IT....I did it....AND MEANT IT. It wasn't just for show.....I really did it because I loved him. But, after umpteen years of not getting ANY of the same returned, I got REALLY sad and hurt and depressed. So, I tried even harder, I thought he would "learn by example"......LOL. He seemed to have no idea about learning from example, and looked at me like I had ten heads. So, I gave up. I totally gave up doing all those things that never got any praise, or thank you's, or return affections. But, BOY he sure noticed it when they were GONE. So, he DOES have the ABILITY to make the connection about this, but where do they CHOOSE to NOT return or respect their spouse enough, to CHOOSE TO ACT in an adult way to please their spouse? Since there are ADHD folks on here that DO CHOOSE to do this for their spouses, it is POSSIBLE. So, why do others NOT choose to act in a more responsible way? especially since it would make the marriage so much BETTER? Even if they did it purely for SELFISH reasons, it would still have better results than doing nothing, but still expecting so much more from their spouse than THEY are willing to do themselves?
Oh I understand. Today I did
Submitted by dvance on
Oh I understand. Today I did three loads of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher twice, vacuumed, grocery shopped, made four lunches for tomorrow + prepped the lunches for the rest of the week, made dinner, worked on my lesson plans for the week, answered a few emails, cleaned the rabbit cage and two litter boxes, worked out for an hour, got ready for a meeting I have to lead tomorrow, ironed five outfits for the week, had the kids put out their clothes for tomorrow. Husband sat in his chair and watched Netflix on his iPad with his headphones on. I know he works a lot, but so does every single adult who wishes to support their family.
This isn't fully formed in my brain yet, but I think a lot about what it must feel like to be appreciated for your strengths, like the active organizers we all are, not made to feel like we are nagging or don't understand THEM. I have been with my husband for more than 20 years-I have no idea what a normal, sane man acts like. What would it be like for another person to truly appreciate what you do, not only for them specifically, but for the family. I do not need to be treated like some princess, but I am sick of another person not even doing nothing, but making things worse but their inaction or bizarre actions. Yes, husband made the kids breakfast this morning and I slept until literally 11am, but when I got up, both kids were in their separate rooms playing video games...and husband was watching Netflix. How about interact with your kids? Yes he ran the dishwasher, but I emptied it. Plus wiped down the counter where he spilled coffee and didn't clean it up. Plus all the other things all day. What would it be like if he just manned up and did stuff. Not everything, but some things. Saw what there was that needed to be done and just did it. Husband watched me walk by him three times today with a full basket of laundry and continued to watch his movie. I would be embarrassed if I was in someone's home and sat around while they did all the chores. How strange. It's like the elements of a real adult life are too much and too many--they can only hold one in their brains at a time, so if they work all week, that's it--nothing more when they get home or on the weekends. When DH has had enough in my house, he will literally get up and go to bed--it could be 8pm. He told me he has to take care of himself and if that hurts my feelings, well, too bad. I do not have that option. If I don't pay the bills/feed the kids/do the laundry/etc., it won't get done. I never get to be done. Do you think he does that because he knows I will handle everything anyway so it doesn't matter what he does??
But back to the being cherished thing--what do you think that feels like? In my marriage, at least, I can't win. If I ask him questions I am nagging or "hammering" at him (that's my favorite) and if I don't ask about his stuff then I don't care about him, and he has told me that if I don't care about him why should he? What would it be like to be with a person who was just fine in and of themselves, and happy to have you join them. That's all. Just thrilled with your company, happy to be around you, doesn't need anything from you, but appreciative when you do things for them and just as willing to do things for you--to make your life easier, not harder. Someone who could manage ALL the responsibilities of being an adult, not just the fun ones or the ones that catch their attention every once in a while. Someone who didn't need constant propping up and unending praise for doing normal adult things.
Do we drag yesterday into today...
Submitted by c ur self on
Does our history cause us to have a defeated mind set before our feet hit the floor every morning?
Do you think he does that because he knows I will handle everything anyway so it doesn't matter what he does?? Yes :) What would happen if he got up and ask you if there was something he could do to help? If you told him a job he could do, would you micro manage it? Could you not say anything at all if he was screwing it up (not your preferred method) tell the truth:)...What would happen, if about every hour during your busy day...If you would have swung by his chair, and kissed him?...Nothing said, just a moment of affection then turn and head for your next project...:)
Hello C,
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello C,
"Does our history cause us to have a defeated mind set before our feet hit the floor every morning?" Speaking for myself, no it does not. Today is a fresh new day full of possibilities, it is also built upon yesterday. God's design. Save the good. Toss out the bad. LEARN from yesterday. The only thing I have to base anything upon is CURRENT PAST BEHAVIOR. The patterns that form. I am not talking about forgetting to put the milk back in the fridge and it goes sour overnight. The result of that is no milk in the AM, so you run to the store to get more during the day. I am not talking about clean dishes in the drain rack that have spots of food left on them. If 99% of them were spotless, what would be the point? I would put the dish back on the "to-be-washed" side of the sink and get it next time. Or simply pick off the speck, wipe the dish and put it away.
"If you told him a job he could do, would you micro manage it? Could you not say anything at all if he was screwing it up (not your preferred method) tell the truth:)" There are a few things in life that need to follow some basic guidelines. I have lived by the saying that There are One Thousand Ways to Do Every Job Right. In our house, the pendulum swings the other way - my spouse, my children's father, micro manages everything. We cannot explain our frustration at watching him re-do what we have been assigned to do. And he gets frustrated and wondered why he is left to do everything alone. What I have learned is to ask him what I can do that he has no opinion over one way or the other. Clean-up, tidy, straighten up. What has evolved is that I cannot even do that - as he is fearful I would throw his good stuff away. And I would not. I would not want him sorting out my scrapbooking supplies, or my sewing space, or my crafting cupboard.
A kiss every hour? Hmm. Might be a tad over the top.
I'm so exhausted...
Submitted by c ur self on
I love your answers...In my case I'm sure I've come off as being like your husband a little, OK maybe a lot;)...it's probably my baggage from my wife's hoarding tendencies along with the way Mother raised us boys (no sisters) making us learn to clean etc...(I don't think in six years, I've ever saw my wife with a broom, mop or vacuum in her hands. So, I'm learning to have peace, messes aren't so bad...It's the hurtful words that's been exchanged because of our differences that was the sad:( part...So, I guess I asked this stuff cause I'm learning to live outside the box...Like the hourly kiss...It may be a tad over the top in some of our minds, but, getting outside of our comfort zone can produce tremendously awesome fruit at times...Lord make me thankful...Have a good one!
you have got to be kidding me
Submitted by dvance on
you have got to be kidding me. reward that slacker, childish behavior with a kiss? seriously? how do you feel affection for someone who makes your life so damn difficult? who sees only the little pieces of the whole picture and bases his opinions and worldview on some of the incoming information, not all of it? whose only goal in life is to make life easier for HIM, not the people around him-who lies, only does part of something at home, ignores those around him, comes and goes as he pleases, may or may not respond to a direct question--is just as likely to answer as he is to say "I don't want to talk about that" or "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I please", someone who contradicts himself in the same day, often in the same conversation??? kiss him and head to my next project?? not a chance in hell. I can tell you in all honesty I have spent the past two years of my life becoming a different kind of wife and mother and I would NOT micromanage. I would be thrilled if husband stood up on one of the three trips back and forth right in front of him carrying full laundry baskets and said, "let me do that". He actually came into the kitchen while I had like three cooking projects going and looked around appraisingly and walked back out. thanks dear.
maybe it's more than ADHD. maybe he's just a selfish jerk. I don't know but I can tell you I will not be kissing him as I go by.
Why don't you tell us how you really feel...
Submitted by c ur self on
So, it's safe to say overcome evil with good isn't your favorite quote? Sorry I upset you dvance you sound like a responsible hard working wife and parent.
I just wonder if you read this post you've written here to your H, would he feel bad about his lack of support and sharing in the responsibilities of your home and family with you...I sure hope things get better and y'all can find the happiness and unity you deserve...Life is way too short!
I can't say what DH would
Submitted by dvance on
I can't say what DH would think. At this point I can't really say what he thinks or feels-it changes from day to day. I feel fairly comfortable saying I am doing good by running our family. I probably sounded more resentful than I actually feel-I clean and cook and take care of things because that's the way I like them. When DH moved out for 6 months last year I kept a clean house and fed my kids and ran the place pretty much the same, so I am not doing these things FOR him. I understand how hard he works and that after six days of working from 6am until 10pm he is cashed, so he wants/needs to relax, but there is no 8th day of the week to interact with your family. Three or four days can go by easily that he doesn't see the kids. He typically walks in the door, showers and goes to bed. How long is that sustainable? Truthfully, probably indefinitely, just not happily. I am so lonely I can't hardly stand it. There is no one to bounce ideas of off, get help with the kids-talking out ideas, not actual physical help, go over finances, make future plans-nothing. My youngest son has Asperger's and LOTS of issues because of that--he's had a really rough start to the school year--I have been on the phone with two teachers, the vice principal and the social worker inside these first five school days...and DH has no idea because every day he came in, said he was exhausted, showered and went to bed. To be clear, I don't doubt he is exhausted, but what options do I then have? Handle things on my own or leave them unhandled? Clearly that is not an option most of the time. I had a job interview this summer that I really wanted and didn't get. It was probably three days before I even got to tell him that because of his work hours. So you know what? I quit trying. When I am talking to him about something, if he is tired or has had enough he will literally stand up in the middle of a conversation and say he's done and go to bed. And we never finish the conversation. So I have quit trying. How many times can that happen before I learn to not even bother?
I do not think I will be reading or posting here any more. The straight up venting is not productive and all the advice seems to be what MORE the non-ADHD person can do to keep the peace or make life better/easier/more fun/more appealing for the ADHD person. That is not what I was hoping for. I have asked DH is he thinks he should go back on his meds and he says no he's doing fine. I have asked him several times to see a marriage counselor and he won't. What more can I do? More than that, this may be my limit of what I am WILLING to do. I have put so much work into this for 19 years for very little pay off. Not NO pay off, but very little compared to the amount of effort on my part. If we could afford to divorce, I would ask for one, but we can't, so I will be pleasant and civil until we can.
Same boat...different oars...
Submitted by c ur self on
(The straight up venting is not productive and all the advice seems to be what MORE the non-ADHD person can do to keep the peace or make life better/easier/more fun/more appealing for the ADHD person. ) The truth is my life is much like yours...Here are some facts of my life...I'm lonely! My wife like your husband lives in her own little world. She chose a work shift (volunteered) where she is gone from our home from 12:45 until about midnight...10 hours shifts...8 days in a row...After 26 years on day shift...She comes to bed on those nights somewhere around 2 or 3 AM...I sleep with ear plugs...She stay's in bed most days until 12:15...Then gets up and hits ADD rush hour which I've learned to avoid like the plague. So we have little to no communication...When she is off for 6 days, She plans things that she is interested in fun things she considers fun...Hanging out with her young co-workers. Go visit her sisters or our stepson's about 3 hours drive...Anything but; Husband what would you like to do? Her actions say it all, she never seems to have a thought about cleaning this house, or much of anything responsible toward us, or our marriage...So like you, feelings of being abandoned and starved for affection is something I deal with often...A lot of our arguments stemmed around my desire to communicate, be close, be intimate...She like your husband, can be rude, she will ignore me, walk away in the middle of a conversation...I've learned a big part of that is her inability to follow along, and focus, I loose her and frustration sets in...Another fact of life....I like you could go on and on and on and on...But, like you said what good does venting do...I have a life...God loves me...I wish it was different for us...But, I finally and I mean finally come to realize I'm only responsible for me, myself...Nothing she does or doesn't do will I ever answer for or can I change. Only she can see the need for that in her life...I try to share love and Kindness with people who are hurting because of what I and you and people like us live with on a day to day basis...Our marriages, like all marriages need nurtured, why did God institute it?...One of the biggest reason's women have affairs is because of things like Workaholic spouses, Not feeling loved....It's not an excuse, but it's a fact of life...Again, I'm sorry if I hurt you...I know you are doing everything with in your power to make life as good as it can be in your home...Sometimes we need to just set down and be honest with each other about our feelings...But, after getting mine stepped on and ignored...I've drawn back....I'm just the fly on the wall..I do things for her, because I love her and my vow's like yours and many of us...They matter!....But, I refuse to get mad, anger, bitter again....Life is to short...I'm just trying to be thankful and count my blessings....I have many!...I wish I could attach a picture of my two grand kids dancing with Poppa:) There are many people who live such a self-absorbed life style...For whatever reason, the reason doesn't matter...The facts are until THEY C THEMSELVES AND SAY IN THERE HEART, I AM UNFIT TO BE A LOVING PARTNER I MUST CHANGE, I MUST C MYSELF AND HEAR MYSELF I MUST LEARN TO GIVE AND TO SHARE AND TO BE ONE... ONLY THEN IS THERE HOPE FOR HAPPINESS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM) It is just unwise for them to marry...They are not equipped to be in an relationship where you have to share in life...Where you have to be One with another human being...Someone always suffers, when you can't give yourself...So, those of us who do not want to leave our mates, who have one that lives in a different world (unapproachable to us) from us...We continue on the best we know how, in hope someday things can different...
dvance, i have appreciated your posts
Submitted by Standing on
and I am familiar with so many of the feelings you've expressed. I hope that you will be able to pass through this phase (and I do believe it's a phase), just as much as I hope that I will, myself! I don't have any fancy names for it, or a 12 point analysis of what it means, but I do feel it. For me, it is an odd blend of hopelessness and fury. Being civil and pleasant has its benefits, but I think straight-talk followed by pleasant civility is the ticket.
In other words, this has been my approach: Instead of Asking him if he Thinks he Should go back on meds, I have Told him that Unless he treats this properly with both medication and therapy, I will Not continue to relate to him.
That got him to his evaluation. Still awaiting results. I took my counselors words to heart. I am not a victim.