My DH has been diagnosed with ADHD from when he was a child. He was on medication but then stopped. We have been married for 6 yrs, together for 10- we have 2 children ages 4 and 2. About 5 yrs ago he went back to the dr to go back on adder all because he was having problems focusing on work. He was doing ok and then he was diagnosed with diabetes ( type 1 ) . Between our piling up medical bills, our house and his parents finances he seemed to just spiral. I guess he always had some anger issues and he always feels he knows the right way to do things. I used to just let it go until recently, I've been feeling so picked over and that everything I do is wrong. I feel like a battered woman since if things are done wrong I get yelled at. I am not the best house keeper and I admit that but there is always a hot meal on the table the house is kept clean just not OCD neat. I do have 2 young children running around! My husband also has OCD which makes things harder for me. Just tonight I got nit picked because I put an onion away without taking the skin off and when he chopped it he had to pick the peel out. How the hell is this my fault?! I then got the " you never finish anything, everything is half assed done, you never do it right"
so what I am asking is how do I deal with this? I have spoken to him but it is making me hate him being home.
Honestly it sounds like the
Submitted by tounces7 on
Honestly it sounds like the OCD is 10x worse than the ADD. OCD people are a major pain in the butt.
You didn't mention why he didn't go back on medication. Did the diabetes somehow make that not possible?
He did
Submitted by FedupNY on
He did eventually go back on meds but I just think the combination of ADHD and OCD is the perfect storm. Not to mention the financial mess his parents are in and they take no responsibility to fix it. He is under a ton of pressure and stress but that doesn't mean I need to bear the brunt of it. I feel so burned out
I would say that depends if
Submitted by tounces7 on
I would say that depends if it's ADD, or ADHD. I know those terms get interchanged a lot, but Imo ADHD is FAR worse than ADD. The added "Hyperactivity" is the difference of night and day.
I've been on a few ADD boards now and one thing I'm noticing consistently is that ADD - the Inattentive version - isn't that bad in of itself. It's when you combine it with other very negative things that it becomes really bad. And that includes someone with ADD who also has low intelligence.
I say that because so many problems on here are clearly not ADD-related, ADD merely makes an existing problem worse. And a lot of THOSE problems seem to stem from a very poor upbringing. And you've already indicated his parents have serious issues themselves.
The same can apply to good traits though too. ADD can make a good trait even better. They've done studies that showed that many entrepreneurs display heavy signs of being ADD, because the ADD drove them to succeed.
Tounces7, my husband has ADD,
Submitted by dweeb on
Tounces7, my husband has ADD, and I'm wondering what ADD boards you've joined? I'd love to join one.... Thank you!!
Adult ADD/ADHD on Facebook.
Submitted by tounces7 on
Adult ADD/ADHD on Facebook.
Pretty much ALL of us are ADD there....and it's actually VERY supportive.
Thank you! I do find it hard
Submitted by dweeb on
Thank you! I do find it hard to relate to some of the "h" stuff on this site, but do find it supportive!
Big difference - that site is
Submitted by tounces7 on
Big difference - that site is also supportive of people who HAVE ADD.
Not just those who are married to them. I could see why this forum would turn off anyone with ADD from even wanting to seek help.
.. and the just diagnosed..
Submitted by sunlight on
I often think of people who have just been diagnosed with ADHD (with or without H) stumbling on this site and the impact it may have on someone who's just received a diagnosis of a disorder with which they may have struggled for decades. I haven't recommended this site to anyone with ADHD. Wild generalisations flying around don't help anyone and could be positively distressing to some. At one time there was a message on the screen where users compose their comments reminding people to speak from personal experience and not generalize. It didn't work seem to work too well but it's disappointing to me that it was removed.
(From a Non, married to an H)
I never make generalizations,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I never make generalizations, but it seems that many people with ADD or ADHD who come to this forum read mine and others' comments to apply to them. Some people on here have said, "I have ADHD and I don't exhibit those behaviors and therefore what you are describing is not ADHD." I don't find that particularly useful, either.
Because we would rather not
Submitted by tounces7 on
Because we would rather not have negative attributes associated with ADD that are un-related to ADD itself.
That creates Stereotypes.
But what if, in some
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
But what if, in some individuals' situations, the negative attribute is associated with ADHD?
If it's only for a small
Submitted by tounces7 on
If it's only for a small number of specific individuals, then it's most likely not coming from ADHD.
People with ADHD are still people, and they can still have a host of other problems outside of having ADHD itself. A psychopath with ADHD does not murder people because he has ADHD, he murders people because he's a Psychopath.
Even if ADHD makes a certain characteristic, such as OCD, Bipolar, or even being Stupid, or whatever, WORSE, then it's still not an attribute associated with ADHD. Certain things just don't mix well.
Especially for an individual who hasn't even had a full psych evaluation yet, which seems to be the case in many circumstances here.
As I said - that is how stereotypes are created.
It's Too Late For That
Submitted by kellyj on
The stereotypes are already out there. I'd like to shoot the person who coined "Attention Deficit".....what the F*&K! In part that's why I came here specifically.....to listen, learn and to better understand what is and what isn't ADHD for myself. What I initially found was nothing I already didn't know which were the same stereotypical ideas that I hear all the time. But after reading the post from spouses of ADHD partners long enough I do see the patters emerging even though they are very different from one person to the next. Sometimes completely different aside from one key element described. These key elements are sometimes so subtle and easy to overlook you might miss them if you don't look carefully. These are the ADHD patterns in my opinion. They lurk more in the shadows of other issues and are not the main issues that are being discussed.
I just became aware of something that I've have noticed over time but couldn't put my finger on in dealing with others until just recently. I finally just started asking people straight up and was surprised somewhat in their responses. There appears to be a consensus in thinking that we (people with ADHD) are completely unaware of ourselves 100% of the time and because of this there is a mis- trust or doubt that we actually know that we do the things we do. I can see where this comes from in part and especially if a person is not diagnosed or hasn't done any work in self awareness.....but OMG! Are you kidding me? In my own case.....how could you not know or be aware of people pointing things out to you all your life. Trying to hide or ignore the behaviors would be more accurate. I think what IS hard for us to see is the degree. That I understand and agree with for sure. Speaking for myself especially now....I try and down play it or do ignore some things that people say and let it slide more because I don't feel like talking about it with them and because it just isn't that productive with the exception of my wife. In my case I've found that this is why in part....people think that I am not aware sometimes. I'm at the point where I am not embarrassed any more and don't feel the need to make excuses for myself. If I've done something that steps on some ones toes and they say something....I apologize. No excuses! End of story. It's amazing how well most people respond to that instead of being insecure and defensive. For those who don't..........................................................................................................................
ADHD appears to give a person "the propensity" to behave or act in a group of prescribed patterns but there is no guarantee that any one component or element will or won't show up from one person to the next........and everyone is different in their own way.
I remember one of the researcher/Doctors in the movie ADHD and Loving It saying, " show me a (child ) with ADHD and I'll show you ONE child with ADHD."
That was perfectly said in IMHO.
J
Re: I never make generalizations
Submitted by sunlight on
I know, Rosered, you don't. I don't think any number of wrongs add up to make a right, but ADHD discussions can spark strong emotions and when the fur flies it may deter some from posting. Of course the internet can be a brutal place and we're all supposed to be mature, but for anyone with low self-esteem, going through a particularly bad time, or particularly sensitive, ADHD or not, they may find some of the posts a little hard to take.
Good point, Sunlight. I feel
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Good point, Sunlight. I feel pained when I read comments, especially from the "experts," in which I'm directed to do X, Y, or Z, because, the person says, obviously I haven't done that if my spouse is still exhibiting behaviors A, B, and C.
I checked it out!
Submitted by dweeb on
I do not find it to be a supportive Facebook page. It isn't run or managed like this one and I found too many excuses for ADD/ADHD behavior and tenancies. Here we have several professionals to offer advice, sound knowledge and information, since, it would appear, many with ADD/ADHD choose not to treat themselves.
I Was Just Thinking About All of This....
Submitted by kellyj on
...right before I read this. You make some good points about the differences between ADD and ADHD....I definitely have ADHD and I've been trying to narrow down the differences for myself for quite a while now ( years ). For the record I have no idea what it is like to have JUST ADD....except I believe that taking Adderall really knocks down the (H) component.... saying this because I really noticed a lot of the "impulsive" pulls going way down or even disappearing completely at times.....leavin me with more ADD instead? Maybe?
Here's my take on this in addition to what you just said. When you finally start to become aware of yourself and your behaviors and then start paying attention to it.....you start to see where (the source) of these are. You also start to notice this in other people ADD or not. That's a huge bonus!
I think ADHD potentially has more problems because of the "impulsivity" aspect.....it pulls you to do things unconsciously if you aren't aware of it. It also amplifies things too...good and bad. It's like breaking a wild horse...before you do this it is unpredictable and all over the place and will fight you n everything you want it to do fiercly! But once you break it and gain control over it....the wilder or more intense the horse was sometimes means it potentially can do more and perform better for you for the very same reason.
This has been my experience. I'd hate to give up the parts that I have control over since they serve me well....I'm still working on the ones that need breaking...like the wild horse example.
But this doesn't have much to do with OCD and walking on egg shells.
I've had a touch of OCD as well and I want to clarify some things based on what I've learned. There's "impulsive" and "compulsive" behaviors and they are quite different. Impulsivity is just a pull to do something based on your inner need for stimulation. That's the hard wiring thing and it's also easier to control once you realize it. (at least for me). Compulsive behavior is all about relieving something that is out of balance someplace else in you and DRIVES you to do it as a release from tension, stress or inner pain...it has a more addictive quality. This I believe is where the ADHD begins and ends like you said......combined with other issues which amplifies them and it becomes a real problem. I think you need to separate these two and then look at how they relate to each other in order to see someone's behavior (or yourself) accurately.
This drive for release of tension and anxiety is why OCD people are such a pain in the ass especially when combined with perfectionism. Look out! These are the people who make you feel like you are walking on egg shells. My experience is they are usually completely unaware of themselves and take a very self righteous indignation about what is right and wrong in everything.....based solely on themselves of course.....and what things relieve stress for them or things that give them stress or keep them from stress relieving behaviors or environment including but not limited too: personal preferences ( in everything ), tastes, likes, dislikes, how to do things ( either right or wrong )...in fact, the world appears to them as either one of two choices.....black/white, right/wrong, good/ bad. There are no shades of grey.
They also tend to vocalize their discontent a lot and have an opinion on everything......either good or bad.
I can tell you speaking only about myself......the world is only shades of grey most of the time and there is no such thing as perfect. You can imagine that I don't mix well with perfectionist even though I can get swept away in my hyper focus and detail in a very similar but completely different way quite often....impulsive and compulsive.
These people are really easy to Fuck with if you want to and I will admit doing this at times when they get on my nerves. This only serves the one side but it becomes almost irresistible ( impulsive ha ha ) especially when they become focused on me and my ADHD. ....it's like having the "eye of Sauron" trained on you. Yikes!!
And yes....having a sense of humor about it for yourself is one way I've found to defuse the situation at times or at least....silently to myself. Is that defiant? Maybe in a healthy way to keep yourself separate from it.
Here's one example of this for me.....I love humor and comedians...laughter is so healthy. George Carlin was/is one of my long time favorites. In one of his routines where was talking about dirty words he said the word "Fuck" was so wrongly used since it sounded so powerful and even regal. Used in a sentence he said " I am Fuck! Fuck of the Mountain."
Keeping this in mind......I've noticed a peculiar tenancy for self righteous people ( victims even worse ) to make these definitive declarations about themselves seemly at times (like they are trying to convince you. More likely themselves)....out of the blue for no apparent reason or context to anything going on. They also combine this sometimes with the "how dare you statements'....literally saying " how dare you ". I find this fascinatingly odd. I don't think I have ever said the words "how dare you" to anybody...ever???
When this happens the first thing that pops into my head is.." I am Fuck! Fuck of the Mountain." I even referred this to a couple people to their face with something like " because you are Fuck of Mountain?" (it's the easy to Fuck with thing I was saying) This usually gets some very strange looks from the person and some head scratching but it does make them stop and think about how to exactly decipher what I just said.
It's a good way to transition to something else anyway.
Humor is good, if you cant laugh at yourself.......then what?
J
I just wanted to let you know
Submitted by copingSAH on
I just wanted to let you know my husband has ADD and OCD. The ADD meds (adderall) seems to make the OCD that much worse. It has lessened the money control around here but the OCD makes the ADD very intense.
Just wanted to know I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. A hundred times over.
Walking on eggshells.... it is because AD/HD behaviors on its own is not always a bad thing. It's combined with the OCD and all of a sudden, Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde and you don't know who on earth is facing you. The thoughts are no longer just your average AD/HD behavior, the OCD is so fixated at the one perceived insult or wrong procedure. Instead of peeling an onion skin off by himself, he's blaming others because even if he did peel the onion skin, no amount of peeling is good enough for him. Blaming others makes it less agonizing for him.
Aren't onion skins supposed to protect the surface of the onion while it is in the bin? I never remove my onion skins until they are ready to be sliced.
Makes good sense to me, Coping
Submitted by Standing on
Toss in some of that charming defiant "offense is the best defense" and a hefty serving of resentment at the notion that one with such a creative mind should have to lower himself to menial onion-cutting and maybe some bad experience in the past with finding it difficult to remove only the thin onion skin and you have a recipe for an Onion War.
Last night it was - where is my can of soda that i left in the freezer? (bellowed at me from 2 rooms away). I had not even been home all day, yet I heard myself defending my inability to give him an answer and worrying that he may not believe me. Surely i had moved that can, to prevent an imminent explosion. Except i didn't do it. I was innocent. And the takeaway is - thou shalt not attempt to prevent disaster if such prevention might remind him of his track record. Unacceptable.
Onion skins and pressure
Submitted by sunlight on
"Aren't onion skins supposed to protect the surface of the onion while it is in the bin?"
I always thought so, and also that leaving the skin on lengthens the storage lifetime since it's not dring out or getting contaminated by another onion that's drying out or (unthinkable to an OCD person?) slightly wet or moist and (save us from the prospect) decaying or rotting. Maybe that could never happen since the OCDer will ensure rapid turnover of the onion bin. I might even prepared here to go to battle with the stance that unpeeled onions are in the long run healthier and reducing wastage, hence saving money. Of course then I'd be accused of increasing the stress on a person who is already struggling, but his stress doesn't excuse his bullying and repeatedly getting away with it and probably negatively affecting the atmosphere in the household where there are 2 young children.
FedupNY, can you suggest that the doctor may be able to help him cope with the pressure by adjusting his meds temporarily until the extreme pressures on him die down. Are the children witness to all the sniping and nitpicking? If yes make it clear to him that you are concerned for their welfare too and want to see all of you calmer and happier.
fedupNY
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm a man, and I can assure you we all can be blind to being a Butt hole...It's OK to tell him we need to talk...Then tell him...I love you...But, I am who I am...I do desire to do well at things..But, I'm not you... nor will I ever try to be you...So you need to keep you opinions about the way I do thinks to yourself...Or you will not enjoy what I tell you the next the peeling don't fall off the onion to suit you...Then If he does it again be as good as your word...Tell him to kiss your Ass!...Then go shopping;) While chew's on that!...I tell you, some men will absolutely run over their wives and vise versa...If she doesn't show him...She didn't fall in love with him because she needed and instructor!!! You really don't have to be mad or anger or loud to relay this....As a matter of fact, If my wife set me down at the table and looked me in the eye's and kindly, and calmly express her earnest feelings about my comments and actions toward her in this manner...You can bet I would be listening :) Insecure people get angry!..Secure responsible people, can give a clear message calmly...Good Luck!
Thank you
Submitted by FedupNY on
Thank you for the great advice but it kind of blew up in my face. I took the night to calm down and collect my thoughts. When I spoke to him this AM I got the same ahole answer I always get. When I see the house a mess it makes me uptight and you do t do anything blah blah blah. I then replied with the great point you brought out that I was not him and that he can't nor am I allowing him to nit pick me anymore. I told him I refuse to walk on eggshells and when I tell him I'm upset he needs to not give me the I am who I am answer. He gave me a snide comment and I just walked away. He tried to throw blame back on me for egging him on when all I was doing was asking what was the big deal about an onion skin?
At at this moment I just want my space- I'm done feeling like shit about myself.
thank you for giving me the guys perspective on this matter, it helped a lot!
I completely understand where you are coming from!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
The smallest things turn into a HUGE deal! Just last week I took one of his precious sharp knives out of the butcher block to open a package. He sits there and watches me and goes "I REALLY wish you wouldn't use those knives to open packages. It just dulls them". Guess what? The VERY next day he gets a package and opens it with the SAME knife I had used! Back up to about a month ago when we had a bunch of rice leftover along with teriyaki. I froze the teriyaki and asked if I should freeze the rice too. Oh my god he looked at me like I was crazy! "Why would you even think of freezing rice? No! Either through it out or keep it in the fridge". Then a few weeks later the same thing where we had a bunch of rice leftover. Guess what? He put it in a tupperware container and put it in the freezer! Last winter I left the door from the living room to the garage open because I was in and out doing laundry. He practically has a tizzy because the furnace is running and here I am with the door open. The next day with the furnace running he opens both the front door and the back door and leaves them open so that the cats can go in and out at their leisure! Oh and he has a tizzy when I don't cover something in the microwave and it splatters a bit. Yet 30 minutes later he's doing the same thing!
Even the simplest things that I think "Okay I can do this this time without him telling me I'm doing it wrong" turn into him having to do something to add his 2 cents worth. Like last night I was mixing pre-made yeast mixture from a box with oil and water and using a spoon to do so. Nothing hard about that right? Of course he has to come and look over my shoulder and he says "Just FYI, it's easier to just use your hands to mix it". Then I had a pot of something on the stove and he checks it all out after 5 minutes and there's nothing he seems to need to fix but then he decides he needs to turn down the burner EVER so slightly just to be doing something. THIS is why I never cook when he's around because he's either telling me I need to do just about every single thing differently or else I get a very patronizing 'Good job not burning anything" comment from him and he thinks he's really giving me a compliment!.