I have been on this site many times over the years and felt both hope and despair based upon what I've read. Now after 15 1/2 years of being in a relationship and 10 years of marriage, I truly am ready to throw in the towel. My wife was diagnosed in 2001, based upon an ultimatum that I made. Being in the mental health industry, I knew that she had ADD and her symptoms were so bat that I wasn't willing to spend one more day with her if she didn't go get evaluated. Sure enough, she was diagnosed ADD and has been on several meds since then - but that's about it. She has been to life coaches, several counselors and they all do the same thing, give her tools to help structure her life, but she NEVER uses them. I do admit she's gotten much better with the inappropriate outbursts, now stopping in mid-sentence saying "sorry ADD moment", which is great, but I need more because the blame game and what I see as competitive tit-for-tat is always soon to follow. We constantly sport bicker, which I hate, mostly because of her un-empathetic attitude. .
Like countless numbers of other Non-ADDer's, my story doesn't vary much. She's worthless around the house, yard, kitchen, grocery shopping, terrible with money and ruining both our credit, secret loans, etc. She doesn't have a romantic bone in her body and intimacy has always been and issue, but when we do have sex, it is amazing, which has been the main reason I stayed after wanting to leave many times. BUT, four months ago she pretty much walked off the job and I was left to support us solely until she starting a new job a few weeks ago. We made an agreement that she would take care of the house and the cooking while she was out of work, but that only happened a few times. Mostly she just sat around being depressed and watching TV. During that time, what little of a flame I still carried for her flickered. Then when we went on our 10th wedding anniversary trip, which I paid for using business points from travel since our budget was now nil, disaster hit. We had received awesome news just a day before leaving. She was notified that she got a new job paying more money. Now we knew we could have a little more financial freedom on our trip and I was ready to celebrate. On the day of our anniversary, which was originally supposed to be a beautiful recommitment ceremony that we had been talking about for the last 10 years, now just a dinner out of town because of her unemploymet, we got into a fight because she acted like it was nothing special other than just a dinner out of town. We semi-made up, me giving up, and then we went to bed without touching each other. The next night, she offered to "take care of me", but didn't want to be pleasured herself, because "I'm too nervous for my job next week." Are you kidding me, you don't want sex all summer because your depressed, then you don't want it because you're too nervous about GOOD news on our 10th wedding anniversary vacation! The flame went out in that moment and I just can't get it back. That was all that was left good between us. I wish it was more than that at this point in our life together, but the sad truth is that is all I was clinging to.
The other thing is she is passionate about nothing. In the past she had a thing about tech-y items so I spoiled her with everything trying to make her happy. It did for a short while, but now she doesn't even play with her gadgets. Unlike the ADHDer's, my wife doesn't hyper-focus on anything and she has NO hobbies. Not one, unless you include bitching about both the good and bad things at her job. She has one friend that she sees a few times a year, but other than that its just me. I too have lost many friendships over the years due to taking a work from home job, however, I write, paint, workout, hike, bike, work on the house. She literally does nothing unless I nag her about it, which strangely she likes, but I am absolutely tired of.
I gave her another ultimatum today, find an ADD marriage counselor for us today or I'm done, this is follow up to a request to find one three weeks ago after our return from our trip. Now I'm wondering if I should just ask her to move out for awhile so she can be accountable for herself and I can stop the whole parent-child trap I'm in. So many of you have and I can't tell if it helps or it's just the last step before divorce.I do love her so deeply, but I don't want to be miserable the rest of life just to accommodate her and her unwillingness to take her illness seriously. Please help!
Anxiety and Depression?
Submitted by Standing on
Hi, I'm sorry you're not finding relief from all this. I know it's an awful tangle of suffering. After 10 1/2 years of marriage, I've filed for legal separation, for many of the same reasons... but mainly because my husband's diagnosed co-morbid issue is narcissistic personality disorder. NPD seems to take all of the rest to a different level, making the root of the problem unreachable. Years ago, I made peace with the messiness and disorganization and lack of cooperative effort in household tasks. I made up my mind to live with it and love him for who he is within. But after having the dubious opportunity to work with him in his business for the past 18 months, I have come to the conclusion that the guy he is within is the sort you want to keep on the other side of a very sturdy barricade. Anyway, that's my story and does not necessarily apply to your situation.
Just reading of your situation, sounds to me like your wife suffers from anxiety and depression. Also sounds like she needs a continual, ongoing relationship or interaction with an add coach, to help her stay on course. I know that some are available online, via skype and such, because I've visited their websites and listened to their podcasts. I don't know.. maybe if she received treatment for depression and possibly anxiety, she might be in a better mental state to pursue developing new strategies with consistent coaching? I do believe that you cannot do it all and you can't give her the will to change, other than possibly by issuing another ultimatum.
What has helped me the most in sorting through my own reactions to all of the issues my husband's condition brought into my life is - Christian counseling, so I recommend that for you. No doubt you could find plenty of counselors who'd tell you to walk away from your marriage, but that won't solve the turmoil left inside you after all you've experienced. Please reach out for individual help. Take care.
Thank You
Submitted by LonelyOne on
You have alot to hold on for
Submitted by Standing on
Without medical insurance, I didn't feel able to go myself for anxiety medication, but I surely would have. The stress is horrid! It will ease, though, as you are able to share one on one with a qualified counselor who is able to appreciate what life is like with an add partner. If the person doesn't understand that, not so helpful. Your mind and body need a break from all the tension. Physical exercise, even just walking, seem to helps me settle down into a better rhythm. I used to be a drinker, so it's been absolutely crucial to me NOT to return to alcohol for relief. It's been a challenge, no doubt.
I think it is a real blessing that your wife genuinely wants to work on this. (Contrasted with my husband's narcissism, which leads him to continually sweep it all under the rug.)
Hopefully, once she can regain some hope in improvement, she will be able to overcome that invisible inertia that holds her bound. Best wishes and I'm looking forward to progress :)
Depression and hopelessness?
Submitted by sunlight on
It does seem possible that she is, and has for a long time, been depressed and maybe reaching the point of hopelessness.
"does nothing unless I nag her about it, which strangely she likes,"
This sounds like she perhaps wants to move forward but can't find a way through so she reaches out for attention (by doing nothing and knowing that eventually you will nag which she sees as attention ie it's a cry for help) but then she retreats because she has almost convinced herself that she is defeated and there is no hope.
Maybe she needs to be evaluated for depression - she seems unwilling, or more likely, unable to see this for herself.
Thank you
Submitted by LonelyOne on