I'm not sure, but I think my husband has ADHD. He is constantly being aggressive, but in a playful/fake way. We have been married for just over a couple of years but this has been going on for a long time and seems to be getting worse. We both suffer from depression which doesn't help either of us.
He is a bit reckless and rough in general but never did anything to hurt me physically or emotionally when we first started dating.
He describes this behaviour as a sort of 'rage' that comes over him, doing things like pinning me against a wall, table, against the kitchen sink, on the bed, and getting in my face, calling me pathetic and weak (although he doesn't really mean it but he tries to act tough). He is constantly trying to grope me at every possible opportunity. He says that he's sexually frustrated and that I never give him anything, that I'm his wife and that I should want to please him, which I know is partly true but it's hard to want to do anything when he treats me like this. When I cry and tell him he's hurting me, he either says that it couldn't have hurt, or mocks me pretending to cry, saying that I'm pathetic. He hurts me all the time, not in a serious way but he'll pretend to fight me etc (I bruise and hurt easily and some women wouldn't be affected by a little punch to the arm but it does hurt me).
I know I can be a bit sensitive about things but lately I have been getting more and more stressed out. We have been having a lot of financial problems which causes stress for both of us. I know I have probably made him seem like an evil person but I know he loves me and I do still love him even though sometimes it's hard to.
Does anyone else know someone who behaves in a similar way? i have never known anyone to act like this and I really want to get help for him, and for both of us.
By itself, this behavior does
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
By itself, this behavior does not sound symptomatic of ADHD. It could be related, however, if it is driven by a need for stimulation (i.e., your husband experiences these interactions as highly stimulating, and is therefore self-medicating with them). But without the whole constellation of classic ADHD symptoms (distractibility, inattentiveness, forgetfulness, deception, procrastination, inability to complete tasks, general executive functioning issues) I would look elsewhere.
Thanks
Submitted by confuzed on
Thanks for your reply. He does have some other symptoms such as procrastination, inattentiveness, distractibility and spends a lot of time zoned out on the computer but like you said, it could be something else. Just not sure where to look.
Does anyone else recognise
Submitted by confuzed on
Does anyone else recognise this sort of behaviour?
Is it ADHD
Submitted by sunlight on
Confuzed, I am non-ADHD and agree with the previous reply. You can try this fairly comprehensive checklist, bear in mind that ADHD manifestations very from person to person and that there may be several different types or subtypes of ADHD and so this checklist has items which may not apply to any particular person.
http://www.drpaulschenk.com/forms/Amen_ADD_Questionnaire.pdf
One other thing to consider is his family history - does he have any relatives with diagnosed ADHD, suspected ADHD or other similar disorders.
In addition to the previous book recommendation, you might look at Healing ADD by Daniel Amen. Although the title is a bit sensational the content is well worth a look because it describes a lot of ADHD signs, symptoms and manifestations. If you can't find it in a library you can pick up used copies on Amazon. There is a new version but even the old version is well worth a look.
If he wants to, or can be persuaded to, move forward and get an evaluation, try your very, very hardest to find a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD. This can make the world of difference in treatment offered.
Thanks
Submitted by confuzed on
Thanks Sunlight. I appreciate your reply. I will have a look at the checklist now and also the book recommendation.
Checklist
Submitted by confuzed on
Just had a look at the checklist...very interesting. He definitely checks a lot of those boxes and I see a lot of them relate to his brother as well - could run in the family? What kind of worries me though is that I show a lot of those symptoms too.
Could be baggage from his youth, could be spiritual...
Submitted by c ur self on
I've wittiness this type behavior from men who were physically abused by their Fathers...one who was sexually abused by a step Father...They exhibit the same type behavior's as your husband...Wild eyed always pushing it with a smile on their faces roughing up others especially wives...Making a joke about it....They both were easy prey to substance abuse.
Does your husband show traits of low self esteem or does he struggle to show concern and respect for others issues. Or does he seem to hype focus on his own little world...Is he self-absorbed, Does he blame other's for things that are clearly his own doing?
It could be many things driving it....
Thanks
Submitted by confuzed on
Thanks C ur self. As far as I know he wasn't abused by his father but apparently his parents were quite abusive towards each other. He definitely does show traits of low self esteem and doesn't really seem to care about much (except for friends and family of course) as his response towards most things is 'who cares' or 'big deal' and sometimes does struggle to have complete respect for others.
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Submitted by confuzed on
I also forgot to add that he treated his mother in a similar way before he lived with me.
I agree w/Melissa...
Submitted by c ur self on
I think you should do what Melissa recommends here...Sometimes a spouse doesn't want to rock the boat or has fear, so we say; "it will work out"...But, in truth it really needs light shined on it for it to get better...Especially abuse...I suggest you just start making a list of the behaviors that are abusive and unacceptable...I suggest writing them down because anything that is or can be emotional for us, can be hard to openly speak about under pressure, and when we feel fear, or the feeling of being over powered...You need to make some changes...Please think about Melissa's recommendation...You need to get help with this and get it out in the open...Blessings on you confuzed...
We all act out what's inside.....
Submitted by c ur self on
There is a root there that needs dug up and identified...it's the reality of all of our lives!...But, the captain of the digging crew always has to be us, your love, and patient's makes for an excellent crew member, but when we decided we can captain the team, we stubble off into the Illusion of controlling another.
So many people live to be old and in many cases never become self-aware, they never allow light to shine in and expose them.
This denial is just easier for them, it's easier for us all...Who wants to be humbled, broken, and repentive? Denial allow's us shallow surface living, ( no accountability) while others pay the price...
There are so many reason's people continue in these life styles...in some cases there may so much hidden pain they refuse, or are unable to uncover it. What ever the cause, letting Love be come an action Verb (tough Love) is the best chance of breaking the repetitive cycles that poison our marriages.
Not ADHD, as you describe it
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The behaviors you are describing are not behaviors that would result in a diagnosis of ADHD. They are, however, signs of spousal abuse. And as you report them, they are escalating. You need to take his behavior seriously and get help now. Please! Find a therapist or, if you can't do that, see your primary care doctor and explain your problem. He or she will be able to send you to the right resources. For more about the symptoms of ADHD, see the online treatment guide.