Hi everyone. I have a spouse who has ADHD. He went out drinking with his friends and came home very drunk at 3:40am, after having blacked out. I was upset because when he drinks he can be very nice, but also can be very sharp with me, or he shows poor boundaries even if I am present. Normally he wont go out, but twice in the last month, he has been a jerk when he was drinking, and this latest night really got to me. The guys went to a meat market, he couldnt even walk when he got home, and when I tried to talk to him about it the next day, it was my problem. And I felt like he was flip flopping with the truth. I am so sad because he has relented and agreed not to drink and wont put himself in that situation anymore, but his apologies were somewhat 'backhanded' where I was the problem. I am so confused. So to make sure he understood me fully (I asked him to paraphrase yesterday what I said) because sometimes he will say if we have talked about something minor and it happens again, "You never said that" or "I didnt know" and this issue is important enough to me that I need to know it wont happen again. And then 15 minutes later, he tells me, "Oh, by the way, the guys I got hired with want to go to vegas for our 20 anniversary of hiring". I was really upset because its like he never heard me! I used to be able to talk to him and now, he is just angry with me about it. He doesnt want to hear about it, but I need to talk about it. I am so sad because now he is hiding things from me, I dont want to bug him more, but I am really scared and sad. Is this ADHD?
Alchohol and binge night with the boys
Submitted by sunnygirl on 11/19/2014.
I don't know but...
Submitted by WhyDoesHeActLikeThis on
We seem to make a lot of excuses for douche-y behavior... its like we've been groomed into thinking we are always asking/expecting too much. We constantly need help to explain things so that they understand. Every post is the same. How sad. Therapy - both individually and as a couple. Probably not the best advice but its free! lol.
No...
Submitted by c ur self on
No it is not ADHD...I will tell you how to tell if it's ADHD or just disrespect for his wife and marriage vows....Text him tomorrow and say I'm going out see ya later...Then cut off your cell phone...Come in tomorrow night at 3:40...Go fall in bed with him if he asks you anything, let your answer be like his...If he as a problem with it, tell him it's his problem...As you walk away tell him by the way, me and some girl friends are planning on partying in New York the weekend of New Years....
His reaction will let you know how cognate he is of his own actions :)
This is hypothetical of course....But, you may want to set him down and talk strait about what you will and want put up with as for this kind of independent behavior....Your husband needs someone to speak accountability into his life...It's extremely hard for the wife....A good counselor, or a responsible adult he has confidence in....His actions are disrespectful and destructive to the trust a marriage relationship needs...
Sunnygirl
Submitted by sunlight on
It may not be ADHD, plenty of people behave this way without ADHD. One way to tell might be to consider whether nights with the boys was part of his life before you two got together.
"he is just angry with me about it"
If it was part of his life beforehand he sounds resentful that his spouse is doing what boys fear - "she gets me and then she tries to change me" (subtitle "isn't it enough that I'm here, why do I have to give up what she knew I liked"). Not knowing how he was before he met you means its hard to tell.
"He doesnt want to hear about it, but I need to talk about it."
He did hear you. At this point you might try talking it over with a friend or confidante (not family!!!) rather than beat him over the head with an emotional conversation he has already said he doesn't want. When you do raise it, try to keep focussed on practical and logistics (eg "oh if you are doing/want to do that that it would mean we will have to adjust a, b, c with that other event/appt/whatever"). Focussing on your needs at every oppoortunity is going to make him avoid conversations even more if talk about emotions and needs is hard for him (this isn't specific to ADHD either). He needs to know that whenever the subject comes up that the conversation isn't automatically going to be hijacked into a discussion on how unhappy you are with it.