Dr. Ratey diagnosed my husband 17 years ago, back before many people even knew what ADHD was. 17 years later, we have bought, renovated and sold, four homes, and therefore have moved that many times. My husband left 2 lucrative jobs, opened and closed 2 of his own businesses, and has worked at a commission based job for about 2 years now (translation: no salary). Financially we are a mess. Currently I work about 50 hours a week to keep up with bills and keep food on the table. I'm tired all the time and my relationship with my children feels not as close as it once was. I came on this site several months ago looking for an answer, to find out what couples faced with the challenges of ADHD do to make a marriage work. I see many of you with just recent diagnoses..in the past several years, and you are all asking the same question I am after almost twenty. This past Spring I asked my husband to get some help, to learn more about his ADHD, I encouraged him to check out this website, get on-line, read some books, find a coach, go to counseling. I asked him to find out what he could to better balance his life. I don't need to get into the day to day specifics of what it's like to live with an ADHD spouse/partner...you all know. My trash piles up for 2 to 3 months before he makes it to the dump, my house is full of unfinished projects, he's late for everything, and I remain last on his endless and ever-changing To Do list. (He never gets to me). His only solution since the early 90's has been to take a pill. Over the summer we fought a lot. He couldn't understand why I was so angry, but my argument was the same from our conversation in the Spring...I needed him to get help. His solution was to re-do the dining room. In September when the kids went back to school, things hadn't changed between us. When he again wanted to know why I was so upset, I went over the same conversation ... the possible coaching, counseling, ANYTHING he could do to manage his own life better. This time he decided to build a shed. The last few weeks I've been talking about divorce. I'm so sad about it, but like that wife in Driven to Distraction...I don't care. I want a life too. This past week he finally confronted things and understood that I was serious about divorce. He said that he was going to work on getting his life together. I felt a glimmer of hope, until I realized his idea of "working on getting his life together" was to change jobs. I'm at a point where I am not even angry anymore. I'm very sad for this man. He is a kind and gentle soul, he is extremely intelligent, and he's a great dad, but he seems not to be able to function. I've put myself into counseling to help me through this. And I've come to the conclusion that ADHD-ers have similar qualities to addicts, in that if they don't want to get the help they need, there is nothing you can really do for them. I've carried him and covered for him all these years, like an enabler, but now my focus is on myself and my two children, one of whom has ADHD too. I also know there are varying degrees of ADHD and that he is probably at the very high impairment end. I don't think many people out there are aware just how devastating ADHD can be to a person and those around them. I think a lot of people are under the impression that it's just a little focusing problem. Personally, I don't even think Dr. Phil got the seriousness of it right. Although I feel like I'm on a path to divorce, I'm still open to any suggestions. Is there anyone whose spouse also had a diagosis many years ago? Is there a way to cope? Did I miss something? And if not, how do you deal with letting go of someone you know is going to have great difficulty fending for himself?
Seventeen Years Now
Submitted by Alison_M on 10/03/2009.
now I understand why I left my relationship
Submitted by brendab on
Alison_M
He is a kind and gentle soul, he is extremely intelligent, and he's a great dad, but he seems not to be able to function. I've put myself into counseling to help me through this. And I've come to the conclusion that ADHD-ers have similar qualities to addicts, in that if they don't want to get the help they need, there is nothing you can really do for them
This has clarified for me why I left a one year dating relationship, and it has strengthened me in my resolve that I will go on with my life. We broke things off a week ago and whenever I feel sad I remind myself what it has been like to date someone who cannot get his own life together. I always felt like he expected me to adapt to his ever changing plans even if he was distracted for weeks at a time, ignoring me.
I tried very hard to find ways to work with ADD, but in the end I had to be truthful to myself that I am not strong enough to live with a condition that will bring chaos to the last years of my life. We are 56 & 57 and he has all the classic symptoms, has no job or insurance and has not pursued a diagnosis. But he does acknowledge that his perception and methods for dealing with life aren't good. He has 3 divorces, two sons who won't talk to him, and people he calls friends that avoid his freeloading. People like him when they first meet him, he's got a great extrovert personality. But they get tired of him not returning their generosity.
I wrote him a very long empathetic email about how ADD has affected his entire life and how he doesn't have to continue to live that way if he will get treatment. He has just buried his father and is staying with his mother just outside Seattle so I sent him the link to register for the Seattle ADD conference and I told him I'd pay for it. If he does not do this, I will now know why--he's in denial like an addict.
I've been reading about ADD for a year now and I just know that if he got treated and developed some routines in his life, he'd be a wonderful husband. We will have to meet some time this month for him to get his car and some other personal belongings and it will be hard for me. But you have really helped me to see what I am really dealing with--the attitude of an addict. When I get tempted to restart the relationship, I will use your profound comment to keep myself free from a partnership that will hurt me. I am so sorry for all of you who are in marriages with children and lots of responsibilities that do not have the freedom to do what I am doing. I also want to thank all of you for your transparency as you have revealed your deepest pain. I will pray for all of you to make wise choices.
Brenda
Stay strong...
Submitted by Alison_M on
Brenda,
You are one of those very strong and brave women I admire so much. It takes a lot of courage to break free from someone you very much care for, but know will cause you pain. I am struggling with that reality now. The pain of a break up will be real for him and my two children, but I can see myself happier in the end, and hopefully my kids will be too. I find comfort in thinking that there must be someone else out there that could bring him more happiness than I can. It's been a struggle to try unsuccessfully to get this man to seek some help for himself, but if he's not on board, I'm afraid neither am I. It's been two days since we've spoken to one another. He's immersed in preparing for a job interview, after deciding last week it was time to change jobs, again. The lines of rational and irrational behavior often seem a blur to me. I want my life back. Time to concentrate on my kids and myself now. Thank you for your encouraging words, I am glad they helped, and may you also find your own happiness. -Alison
Perhaps, it's time to revisit Dr. Ratey
Submitted by ADD.divorcee on
If you reread the first sentence of your post, you may discover a great starting point to some of the questions at the end of your post.
If your husband was fortunate enough to be diagnosed by Dr. Ratey 17 years ago, he obviously had troubling symptoms and the willingness to go for a proper diagnosis of those symptoms. He was looking for some help. Has he seen Dr.Ratey or any other treating professional in the years following that diagnosis? There have been so many new treatments, medicines, and approaches to working with those who continually struggle with ADD, etc., in the last 17 years, that perhaps back then, medicine was the only thing recommended for a person such as your husband. Your husband walked out with a prescription; with no instruction or need on his part for follow-up, he may think he's done all there is to do.
It is my firm opinion that if you trust the medical professional you initially see, then you continue to see that professional, or any other professional, he or she may recommend, if you're not seeing results, or just as a good medical practice. Maybe the dosage must be adjusted. In other words, if your husband hasn't seen Dr. Ratey in years, I wouldn't go the divorce route until your husband sees Dr. Ratey again, (or someone recommended by him). Dr. Ratey believes strongly in exercising the body in order to exercise the brain (I know this; I just haven't started yet). There are so many new medicines out there. Thinking about it, who prescribes the meds for your husband? Does that doctor ever talk with your husband as to how he thinks it's working?
It appears to me that your husband knew not only how to buy, renovate, and sell houses, (with your help & even though it sounds as if you didn't want that to happen because of the moves), but he obviously was persistent in doing the right and proper things to sell the house. Perhaps, that field is where his talents and skill lie. If you could think back, did the financial pressures begin after the renovating of the four houses? What if you had been able to make a profit on the houses? What if your husband were in a position, now, to slowly try to start up that type of business again? Some random thoughts: Perhaps working with a bank or a realtor, your husband might find one house to start with, in a marketable area - perhaps in foreclosure - which with a little work by someone as knowledgeable as your husband - could restore the house with the intent to "sell it for a profit". If that works, great. He then can decide if he liked doing that, or perhaps, something else will have jumped out at him.
There were a couple of other things I want to mention, but it's a little late. I hope some of what I've written you may find helpful or something you never thought of before.
If you're interested to hear more of my thoughts, particularly related to divorce, just post here.
Take care.
re: 17 yrs now
Submitted by optomistic on
So sorry for your situation. I have been seperated from my husband of 13 yrs now for 10 months and sadly we are getting divorced. My husband who is now 41 yrs old was diagnosed at a very early age. His parents went through you name it with him. He even fathered a child at age of 15yrs old. Unfortunaely my husband has been on and off meds for years. he has done very damaging things in our marriage(which wrote in other posts) and has tried to change but always went back to bad habits., He has ADhd /depression and is an alcoholic. He has addiction issues. He has done drugs, sniffed cans etc..I met him at church and at the time was clean. I didn't realize what I was getting into . The sad thing is he is blaming my 18 yr old for the main reason for our breakup of our marriage. He is not the biological father. I see so many things clear now especially that I'am seperated, there is no reconciliation now at this time so soon I'am filling papers. My husband has had problemes al his life. He is highly intelligent with lack of any wisdom. He can't handle stress very well so he drinks, smokes etc..It has been hard to see him struggle all these years trying to be on task only to fail and fail again. He has low self esteem and I can only say how tragic it is to see someone go through this. I can blame his alcoholism and Adhd for the breakup of our marriage. It grieves me but I have to move on and not allow him to manipulate me anymore.I understand about covering for him , I did the same for my hubby, and my youngest has Adhd/Odd and is alot like his father. which scares me but I 'am doing everything to give him a different quality of life. I too am focusing on me and my 4 children and picking up on a new journey in life. Yes many people are not aware of what Adhd does but my husband did something that opened peoples eyes to it last year.The best way to cope is to know whats best for you. A suggestion is to get in a support group. I'am in one for divorced/seperated women. I also have my church family and friends who are helping me. I know my husband will have difficulty but I know this is the best choice for my family and I and so that gives me the courage to keep on course. I pray for wisdom for you and whatever decision you choose may you be content with. Best regards
p.s.I also believe there is always hope, thats why I'am optomistic....:)
Me too
Submitted by vcalkins on
My husband was also diagnosed in the early 90's and has been on meds since then. Of course, the 10 years before the diagnosis were the hardest. I even began to think I was the one that was totally wrong. Being a master manipulator, he could make me feel that way. It wasn't till he knew that I was at the end of my rope....that I was going to leave if he didn't get help that he finally agreed to get counseling. This led to diagnosis and counseling. Having a diagnosis gave me something to grab onto and something to work out. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about ADHD in adults and "Driven to Distraction" was one of those. But here I am 18 years later and there are still so many hard things to deal with. I'm currently reading "Living with ADD when you're not the one who has it" by Mimi Handlin and "Delivered from Distraction". I'm a fixer and would love to give my husband all the tools I find in these books....ways to make his life easier. But I can't fix him and can really only fix myself. One of the forums on this site about 10 laws of boundaries offers this web site. http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/04ten_laws.pdf I printed out the first page and carry it with me in my purse. These are the things I'm trying to "fix" in me. I read them over to remind me of what I must do. It helps me and it helps him.
There are still good times and bad times but the good times seem to be longer and the bad times seem to be shorter. The thing we're dealing with now is a need to increase meds. He's maxed out on Celexa at this point and he's added Welbutrin but I'm not sure it's working yet. The last time he changed meds, it took a while before we found one that worked and worked well. I'm not looking forward to doing that again but it probably will be something we have to go through the rest of his life.
My husband's counselor said many years ago that I was depressed. He mentioned that studies show the high amount of depression in caregivers of spouses with Alzheimers. We decided that it would probably be true of "caregivers" of spounses with ADD also. So I've been on anti-depressants, too. It sure makes it easier to cope. But I must say that the ONLY thing that has kept me together and kept our marriage together is my relationship with Christ and my Christian friends.