My DH has ADHD and I have no sexual desire in our relationship at all. I feel like I am married to an adolescent. I've been carrying us for years, and he hasn't had a job since April. His ADHD is quite severe, and so he literally doesn't notice things - barbecue sauce on the hardwood floor, unlocked car (we've had 3 cameras and a Macbook Pro stolen out of his car), dirty baby diaper left on the floor...it's exhausting. And while a lot of the time, I'm too tired to want sex, the rest of the time, I'm not sexually attracted to him. I feel the exact opposite of cherished. I know he doesn't mean to behave that way, but it's just so unfulfilling. So, I have sex with him, out of obligation, while I think about other things and pretend to enjoy it.
I try to be like the Buddhists and release all expectations. But, it makes me want to cry...Not sure how long I can live this way. I don't want a divorce (my son is one), but how do I not detach entirely (he doesn't like it when things are "weird") while getting to a space that I don't feel irritated all the time? I try to release judgment and blame - it's really a difficult path. I will say, if I can get my mind around this, I will be a Jedi Master.
ADHD is no excuse...
Submitted by c ur self on
ADHD is no excuse for not being a responsible adult who works and supports his family...Find a good Christian Counselor to speak this truth to him...You need support!...And your husband deserves a wife who see's him as a loving husband in bed....It's obvious you've been enabling him based on your post....Don't let yourself keep on this path of misery...Please do something....All ADHD minds doesn't use it as an excuse to seek co-dependency, but many do, my wife does, but the more I quietly walk past her requests for enablement, and her requests for me to be her maid, the more she recognizes her tendencies to dump on me and others.
If you don't take the bull by the horns now, you will regret it later!
I truly wish you the best....
Thanks!
Submitted by Lowered_expectations on
Thanks for the advice. It's hard to know what to do - he is trying (well, as well as he can). I read about ADHD and how they have difficulty with motivation. So, he tries things, and I think he wants to make more of a contribution, but he just hasn't been able to get a job. And, (as one might expect for someone with ADHD) he is all over the place in terms of what he is going to do.
I'm not sure what to do to avoid enabling him. Like, sometimes he cleans up, but sometimes he ends up leaving in a whirlwind because he hasn't managed his time well. So, I can either punish myself by having to spend all day in a pigsty or clean up (by putting his clothes in the floor of his closet or in a hamper), so I can have a bit of peace in my environment. He hasn't been offensive in such a way that I would kick him out. Do you have any suggestions?
Zero Sexual Attraction
Submitted by dweeb on
Hi Lowered, my husband and I recently separated after 2.5 years of marriage. I had one child from a previous relationship, and my husband and I started dating when she was 2 weeks old, he was, as she knew, her one and only father.
I feel your suffering and pain. Although, at this time, my husband is employed with a great job, my extended family and I worked very hard to get him there! He did, however, go without a job for 5 months in the winter, while I supported us with a brand new house. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. The best advice I rec'd from all these wonderful people on this forum is to work on fixing yourself. I made a post recently called "I need to hear from you lady spouses" and one comment in that thread came from Tired-to-my-bones, which is AMAZING! It's worth reading!
Prior to separating I can tell you that I had zero sexual attraction to my husband. Zilch! He had put us in such dire distress with his daily behaviours that I did everything in my power to avoid all physical contact with him. Aside from dealing with a chronic woman issue (by myself, right, because he has NO empathy for how it affected me), I would cringe at the thought of having to pretend, yet again, that I was enjoying myself when in fact, I'd rather be doing just about anything else. It was difficult, for sure, but once I started to release all that anger I had built up for him and focused more on regaining the person I was prior to him, things started to get better for the both of us. When I came home with my daughter, after work and the kitchen was a disaster, instead of angrily cleaning up prior to making her and I dinner, I'd tell myself that I'm not letting this affect the time I'm spending on my daughter. I'd pull up a chair and get my daughter to help and we'd make it fun for each other. It got easier, but I still resented the crap out of him. I loved him hard, but he didn't love himself enough to work on his issues.
Good luck!!
Separation?
Submitted by Lowered_expectations on
Wow - from reading this board, it seems like separation is the answer. Has anyone actually had success sticking it out? I'm not at the point where I feel like I need to separate, but I feel torn. I mean, I do think he tries, and I don't know what it's like to have ADHD. I always think, "what if he had heart disease?" I don't know that I would experience the same level of frustration. ADHD is a condition, but it's unfortunate, that it has such an impact on those around you. Like, this morning, he took our toddler down to the car - then he called me and asked if I could run his medication down to him, then before I was able to do that, he called again, asking if I could bring his bag. Then, when I met him at the front step, he asked if I could bring down his other bag that he forgot. It's hard to live with someone with ADHD, but I'm sure it's no picnic to actually have it.
I have such mixed feelings about the whole thing...
Not an advocate of seperation unless abusive or cheating...
Submitted by c ur self on
First, what you described about your morning, the bags, the meds, the continual blind neediness w/o regard to what it is doing to you inside....I and many here live the exact same way. You are young, very few can deal with this own their own...I married your husband's twin at age 51 and she completely over powered me..
."Because of blindness and denial on both sides, y'all's normal looks nothing a like"
He probably doesn't see himself, nor hear you, because he can't relate!!!...Just my experience! He is incapable of living in your mind, and his is telling him, he is OK. It's a vicious assault on the one who can see past their nose! So the responsible mate who's carrying the load ends up fighting enablement, fighting negative emotions, fighting motive assigning based on the actions that blow our minds...It will take you down and this is what is happening to you! That is why you found us!
You must go get a third party involved for sanity and accountability for you both...This is what I would tell my own daughter.
Lets look at the alternative to counseling: (This is hypothetical of course, I know you wouldn't word it this away) If you set your husband down and kindly said I need you to listen to me...and you kindly spoke the truth your relating here...Your life is over powering me, I am miserable...Your worse than the baby, you need to grow up...If I had to stop enabling your irresponsible behavior you would think I hate you. Because all you would ever hear from me is your a grown man do it yourself, and about the only thing you would see me doing is kicking the junk you leave laying around in piles so I can use the bathroom and other rooms w/o trip hazards...
Do you think he would respond by saying you know dear you are absolutely right...So my number one goal is to not over power you w/ requests to do stuff for me, So, from now own I'm going to ask you what I can do for you...I'm going to find a job, no matter what it is and be responsible to get up and be responsible to go on time, and be the Husband you deserve?
Or do you think he would launch into denial and tell you all about how mean you are and all of your other problems?
Do some research about counselors in your area, find one w/ a good reputation...My personal advice is to not let ADHD control the talks..Because a good counselor will understand that...He will just say you medicate, get therapy and move on, he will never let either of you use it as an excuse for negative behaviors.
Jesus can and wants to give you peace during this chaotic time, if you call on him...Blessings Lowered Ex...
Thanks!
Submitted by Lowered_expectations on
Thank you so much for your advice - I didn't realize how much I needed this support from people who can relate. My family thinks everything is great because my husband is a nice guy, and I don't feel that I want to throw him under the bus.
It's interesting - we have actually had a conversation about it. I didn't word things like you did! :-) He said that he understands it can be difficult to deal with him and that one of the things he never wanted to do was burn out his wife. He said his aunts had been married to men who put too much burden on them (they didn't have ADHD), and he saw how the stress of it all made them bitchy. He gets it, it just seems that he is unable to do anything about it that lasts for more than a few days at a time.
I do call on God a lot - I don't want to wallow in criticism and blame, and when I remind myself of that, things feel better for me. Sometimes it just feels like a lot to handle...
*Correction
Submitted by dweeb on
Lowered,
By no way was I implying to separate from your husband. Instead, I just meant to focus on yourself.
Here is the link I mentioned above, TTMB's post is worth reading.
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/i-need-hear-you-lady-spouses
Thanks for the post
Submitted by Lowered_expectations on
Thank you for your post - it was just what I needed. I go through waves - sometimes I feel so on top of things mentally and like a zen master, other times I wish I were with someone who cherished me. I agree I do need to focus on me, and my wellbeing. Thanks so much for the support.
Best Wishes
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Hi Lowered_expectations
It's hard to live with someone with ADHD, but I'm sure it's no picnic to actually have it.
I'm rather amazed that you are able to appreciate this in light of your husband's symptoms and behavior.
I'm in a marriage where BOTH of us are working on it. Marriage isn't easy, even without the added fun of this disorder. I, too, would consider the natural state of my ADHD to be severe. I have been working for just over two years to remedy that, and I am REALLY making progress. If you check out my older posts, you will see that I have felt quite low about my ability to control my symptoms and have a relationship with my husband. I was so severe, in fact, that I impulsively (!) stopped eating gluten two years ago and I have NO DESIRE to ever eat it again (works for some, not for all). That was STEP 1 of MANY OTHER biological interventions I have made that have helped my symptoms improve. I'M STILL GETTING BETTER, two years later, with the help of my Naturopathic Doctor, some ADHD meds, supplements, and self-education on ADHD. What amazes me the most is the sheer volume of moving parts that has gone into this. Before I made all of these changes, I was overspending, losing everything, couldn't get organized, was dropping balls all over the place, had a worse temper (thanks for nothing, gluten), couldn't sleep, never remembered my dreams (sign of low neurotransmitters), and basically couldn't be counted on, other than taking care of our children. I was on Concerta (super high dose) AND Strattera...at the same time! Was barely helping me! Now, I am only on Concerta, 75% lowered dosage, and I no longer take Strattera. Thankfully, hyperfocus was well-directed at least in favor of my kids. My time-sucking hyperfocus, however, was extremely strong, and at least now I can more easily pull myself out of it.
My point in all this is that it is not hopeless. You are doing the best you can to detach, but I do know what you are saying about living in filth. I try really hard to get my kids to pick up after themselves, but there are days when it doesn't happen as well for whatever reason, and I sometimes find myself walking around picking up their stuff and shoving it in a plastic bin for them to tend to later. I get overwhelmed when surrounded by clutter. Hurts my brain ;).
Is your husband being treated? You mentioned having to deliver meds to him...for his ADHD?
ADHDMomof2
P.S. I'm not trying to oversimplify this. It is very complicated...