This has been scaring me lately and I know it is an ADHD problem, so I'm hoping someone else has dealt with this and found a way to approach their ADHD partner with it gently, but clearly. Basically, my concern is my husband is sending the message to our children that technology is more important than them. He eats as quickly as he can to go off to the TV, even while the rest of us are still eating. He brings his iPad to the table if I ask him to sit through a whole meal and pretty much tunes us out. It really hit home with me when the following happened tonight: My 15 month old daughter, who has been walking for a little over a month, but is still wobbly, walked over to our TV stand, must have tripped and banged her chin on the edge of the stand. This coincided with something on the TV switching off, which I'm pretty sure my daughter didn't do - she didn't touch the TV itself. My husband, however, got extremely frustrated that the screen had changed. I was holding my daughter while she cried (she was more shaken up over it than anything - there was no bleeding or bruising) - and all he could do was huff and puff over the few buttons he had to push to get the show back on. Our 4 year old son observed this whole scene. I made a comment to my husband about this, how our daughter was in pain and he was getting upset over the TV. He didn't respond to the comment, but I'm hoping it sunk in.
I don't know. I just feel like I'm going in circles with this. Talking to him about the whole leaving the table thing to watch TV, him telling me we eat too slowly, he hates waiting, he's just passing time until we're done, etc., etc. But really, I feel like his closest relationships are through technology (i.e. the guys he plays online video games with at night, anyone who texts him, etc.). Am I hurting the children by staying and having them feel second fiddle to a TV, or is it worse to leave and take them away from their dad who can be wonderful with them at times when he tunes into them? When it was just me and him, I didn't notice this somehow, but it is crystal clear to me with our kids. Any help, experiences, suggestions, etc. would be greatly appreciated!
Technology is Easy
Submitted by Itsover on
My ADD husband has sheltered behind technology his whole life. My most telling day was a Saturday in about 1984. He got up about 6am, gave the boys breakfast while I got an extra 30 minutes sleep then he sat down at the computer (a Tandy) in his pajamas. I spent the whole day grocery shopping, cleaning, washing, ironing, feeding the boys and putting them down for naps- while I was grocery shopping they were propped in front of the TV. About 5:30 he was still at the computer in his pajamas. If he had moved to even use the bathroom I had not seen it. I told him I was too tired to cook and we would go out to eat. I spent about 30 minutes getting the boys ready to go out and we went out to the car, I strapped them into their car seats, sat in my seat and waited. About 5 minutes later still in pajamas he poked his head out the door.Another 5 minutes he was in the car in clothes and we left for dinner. One of my sons is also ADD and technology addicted. From observation I believe that they have great difficulty in focusing on speech in particular which makes interactions with people challenging. My husband when forced to be social almost always dominates conversation- no need to focus on any one else if you are the only one talking. He is also very aggressive in opinions which generally discourages others from attempting to participate in the conversation. My son is the opposite and is almost always the wallflower- because of impulsive speech patterns he is afraid to speak. For both of them interacting with a machine is much less stressful. My son now has a technology related job and is doing well. My husband is in a technology related social group interacting mostly at the machine level- probably most of the group are ADDers.
Very early on I realized that I could not compete with technology for attention. I am not a nagger or a fighter so over the years I have gradually withdrawn from the relationship so that it essentially does not exist any more.I did find that if I needed him to do something around the house, the best way to get him to do it was to start doing it myself- asking was completely ineffective. Of course that only worked on "man"tasks and left me with all the "woman's work". Early on I did try and discuss things- he once spontaneously said " You look tired- what can I do to help?" I responded with you can doing the ironing and clean the bathrooms- I'll do everything else. When the bathrooms were filthy and I had no clothes to wear to work I started doing them myself. He saw me and said "thats my job" but continued to sit at the computer while I finished the ironing. When my withdrawal was almost total he did notice- with surprise- as he thought everything was fine and was totally unaware of how unhappy I was. Based on some of our interactions I have often wondered if he even sees me as a separate person. When we married I morphed from fun girlfriend to a female authority figure- sort of an amalgam of his mother and first wife. As an ADDer he had learned to passively resist pressure from the women in his life who had tried over the years to cope with him. This lack of a separate identity was most obvious around my birthday- while he always remembered the wedding anniversary with a card, flowers and dinner, at least half of my birthdays- especially including those in the early years of marriage have come and gone with not so much as a happy birthday. About half the gifts I do get are of the "what were you thinking" variety. That also goes for Christmas gifts- I think he knows so little about me as an individual he can't think of gifts in terms of what i would like - lacking a form of empathy. Asking for what I want- including writing it down- often got a "you can't tell me what to do" response so I gave up on that years ago.
I stayed in the marriage because of the children- and now that they are grown because financially I am better off married than single. He now fully realizes what he has lost and is generally helpful around the house. I feel in large part things are better now that I have totally withdrawn from a personal relationship I am the squeaky wheel that he has to grease. Incidentally he has refused to acknowledge that he has ADD, so has had no treatment of any kind. In my case I made the judgment that the children were better off financially and psychologically in an "intact" family. In our case this paid off but it is an individual decision. I was helped by the fact that his job changed and he became a road warrior for a number of years- when he wasn't home it was much less obvious how disconnected from the family he was and when he was home he was more interested in positive interactions with the boys.
If you want to stay in your relationship, I would advise trying to communicate in writing rather than speaking initially. You may find that you can get his attention by messaging him on his iPAd even if you are in the same room. Consequences- if you can find them- are useful. For instance, in hindsight I should have taken the boys out to dinner alone that night in 1984 and left him hungry in his pajamas. I ironed his work clothes too- I should have only ironed my own. He was always on the computer when dinner was called. Once he realized I would not hold up dinner for him he came when I first called dinner was ready. Your children are still very young. I would sweetly tell him that dinner is about family conversation and you prefer he not set a bad example. If he is not interested he can have a non messy sandwich at the computer while you and the children enjoy a meal together. ADDers have a really difficult time focusing outside of themselves, so you have to find a way that impacts them personally without being angry or vindictive as that just sets up all their defensive behaviors. I have observed that exercise is a great way to moderate ADD symptoms- brain chemicals almost certainly involved. Give up on dinner together and try for a family walk after dinner all negotiated in the iPad? Good luck with everything- I do know what you are going through.
ItsOver - Wow, you really,
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
ItsOver - Wow, you really, really know what I'm going through. That is how I picture my life as the kids get older. I'm not sure I like how it sounds, but like you, I feel like keeping the family intact is what's best for the kids (I mostly worry about them losing out on a relationship with their dad or having a bad one without me there to moderate things). Thank you for all of the advice - I like the idea of the family walk - he always seems better after a walk, though he's so resistant to going on them at first. You're a very strong person to have dealt with all that - I hope I can be that strong. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Asperger's as well?
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
From observation I believe that they have great difficulty in focusing on speech in particular which makes interactions with people challenging. My husband when forced to be social almost always dominates conversation- no need to focus on any one else if you are the only one talking. He is also very aggressive in opinions which generally discourages others from attempting to participate in the conversation. My son is the opposite and is almost always the wallflower- because of impulsive speech patterns he is afraid to speak. For both of them interacting with a machine is much less stressful. My son now has a technology related job and is doing well. My husband is in a technology related social group interacting mostly at the machine level- probably most of the group are ADDers.
This strikes me as sounding as much like Asperger's as ADHD. Relating by talking at people on topics of interest only to the speaker is an Asperger's trait. Have you considered that perhaps your husband has a comorbidity?
Relationship with Father
Submitted by Itsover on
Actually the boys now all have good relationships with their father. Since they no longer live at home he is able to do the intense focus thing during the times he is with them. If asked- and believe me I don't- I am sure all would say their father is their fun parent. While their interactions were a lot fewer, they mostly involved fun activities. When they were little he was happy to read bedtime stories- but I always had to initiate the bath and clean your teeth routine first. I grew up with a severely depressed mother, so I determined early on in the process that I would never take out my frustrations on my children. However when the whole load falls on you you have to be super organized and reasonably strict or you can't keep all the balls in the air. The boys have all expressed gratitude now that I was a strict parent and that they could always rely on being able to sit down to a home cooked meal every night- but they would be hard pressed to come up with fun times they had had with me individually.
On the Asperger's question- people have suggested that my son in particular might be Asperger's but when you look at the criteria both of them have almost none of the Asperger's and all of the ADD. For both of them impulsivity is one of the symptoms that trips them up the most. Because they both learned coping mechanisms for work, to people outside the very immediate family they appear reasonably normal- though my son comes across as painfully shy in unfamiliar groups.I am grateful that neither of them (to my knowledge) have the more severe manifestations of ADD like porn addiction, though in my husband's case alcohol can sometimes be an issue. Both of them can be very economical with the truth- which has caused major trust issues with my husband.