Today I was trouble-shooting my own Non-ADHD brain.
What I have determined, at least for today, LOL!, is this reality: I do not like everything being a battle of the wits. I do not like being in the spot of defending what I want or like. I will not explain and explain and explain my wants, hopes and desires. I will not abandon my desires based solely on the fact that it causes discomfort for my spouse.
Our yard is 10 acres.
I am a college student.
My spouse if a self employed construction worker.
There are of piles of construction materials on our property.
I do not like having to look at all the piles of stuff.
We talked about installing a 8 foot privacy fence to create a visual boundary for me. I set aside the funds. We got a few estimates. We had the full amount necessary to pay for it. We scheduled it. The company called to finalize the color of the fence. My spouse told them not to come. In the end, his thoughts, wisdom, feelings, ideas trumped anything we had agreed on regarding the fence. In the end, it was a battle. I won't fight anymore.
For me, this was a new 'adventure.' Trying something in a whole new way.
I understand how his brain works. I am just no longer willing to "put up with it." It is not okay that he takes over and changes everything while I just sail along for the ride. He may not FEEL like it was a wise choice. I want to agree upon things, not feel controlled by his anger.
He adamantly denies 'cancelling' the fence.
I cannot do this sort of thing anymore. It zaps everything from me.
I am not willing to play the game of he calls to say do not come, and then I call to say "Yes, come and put up that fence." How utterly stupid is this.
I have dropped my side, and left the contest. I lost, and am not willing to fight anymore.
I can relate
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
So...since your H says he didn't cancel, what would happen if you called and rescheduled?
I can relate to your statements of having to justify feelings, actions, etc. Frankly, I'm not really allowed to have interests outside of H. Oh, I do! But, soon he becomes VERY jealous of those activities and berates me for them. Sometimes I have to sit in the bathroom for awhile just to have personal time. H isn't jealous of bathroom time....or sleep time. Sometimes I say that I need a nap, but I'm really reading. H respects needing a nap, but not reading or anything else not related to him.
I understand your frustration
Submitted by Strangebird on
I understand your frustration, we bought the adjoining property to have separate garages so that I wouldn't have to see inside his garage (his car won't fit inside) and I adamantly force myself to never step inside absent absolutely needing a tool or something that he's taken in there. Now he's started putting his crap in my garage and he claims we never had the agreement that he uses the huge garage as he pleases and leaves my little tiny garage alone. I'm sick of it also, what are we supposed to do when we hit the wall like this? My H never makes a joint decision with me, I want to make joint decisions. He either decides or says "tell me what you want me to do" which puts us in a parent/child relationship, with me in "control". They see it as "control", I see it as "additional responsibility and having to think for another kid", I already have 5 kids and a law practice to take care of. But the slightest disagreement is interpreted as me calling him stupid, and then it's all dumped on me. I agree, you should just call and order the fence installed, but then you have the embarrassment of whatever he may do during the days required for their installation.
I'd love to hear what someone has to say here, because I'm at the end of my rope also. (sorry I'm not much help)
Unity in understanding
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I'd love to hear what someone has to say here, because I'm at the end of my rope also. (sorry I'm not much help)
TTT,
Believe me, it is a real help to me to hear from others that struggle in the same way. I wrote a response last night, but I somehow managed to backspace/delete the whole body of the post before I could save it. Grrr. I hate it when that happens.
'you should just call and order the fence installed'
It is baffling to me to understand the complex mind of ADHD. Or any other components involved in how my spouse thinks.
Our whole marriage has been a power struggle. Over the recent few years, I have dropped my end of the tug-of-war rope. I do not want a battle of wits. I want respect for agreements. I wanted him to sit with the uncomfortableness for a bit - to see that it was a wise decision, a step in a new direction. His need to micro-manage overruled the whole thing - and his actions sabotaged the fencing. That behavior is something I am no longer willing to accept - or fight against.
Trying to change the patterns of behavior is where I placed my focus - not the semantics. He canceled - I'll reschedule - so he will cancel - so I will reschedule. I do not think so. Childhood crap in my books.
Does my spouse do dishes? Yes. Is there a rhyme or reason as to when, so I can depend/count-on his support? No, there is not.
Does my spouse do his own laundry? Yes. because he said he did not need me to do his laundry, so I stopped doing it. He has taken over the laundry area by keeping all his clothing there - clean and dirty - so now that area is also cluttered and mayhem.
I have given up the power struggle - right up to my own back door. Until there is a final decision/conclusion to made to how we shall live - together or apart - I have been fighting keeping the "stuff" at least out of the house, and off the back patio and deck. I am discovering I just no longer want to fight this battle. Marriage should be tough - what worthwhile things is not?!?!?!? Marriage should not be a constant power struggle - not after 30 years. This gal has tried all the options she can find, and is barely hanging on here by a thread. Why? Because I do not want to have to admit I failed at this marriage thing. I do not want to have to tell my daughter and son-in-law and son and my family that my marriage has died. I think my pride gets in my way.
My spouse is working with an ADHD coach. I just feel bullied by him more than before. "My coach says I am doing great. My coach says I am so much 'better' .
We do go to church again. I had so much more in my brain when I requested that. I did not want the motions of going to church, sitting in the seat, and coming home. I wanted the participation. The prayer. The Bible Study. I can not find a way to explain that. My spouse's response is "You said you wanted to go to church on Sunday's and now that I have done it, it is not good enough." Crazi-making.
I am drowning in all this - everything about him on his time table on his schedule what he wants when he wants it - just barely got my head above water.
All I need to do is get to that place of decision - let go. Move on. Move out. My own brain is my worst enemy. I cannot let go.
Liz
I think I've given up soooooo
Submitted by Strangebird on
I think I've given up soooooo much, been whittled away at, little by little, until what is left has no content. What I'm getting can be obtained through the employment of a service provider or simply eliminating him from the picture (he makes the mess in the first place). I want content. I don't want "i love you" because I want to hear it, I want someone to want me, need me, love me, miss me, take care of me, desperately! I want to have conversations with content, not town gossip, family chatter, or work talk that I know he doesn't really care about. I want to share activities, do things, not stare at the salt and pepper shakers while he watches T.V. over my head at a resturaunt. I want my life to have content and meaning, I want to make memories, I want an extraordinary life! I'm never going to have it with my H, and he thinks that I should adjust, and and that I will adjust because I always have. He knows my religious upbringing scares me away from divorce, my job leaves me afraid of the backlash of divorce, and I hate having to tell people I've failed at a second marriage. But I'm about ready. He has another counseling appointment Monday, and he's not made any arrangements for me to go with him i.e. babysitter, and that will be the end of it, I'll ask him to stay for 6 months to work out finances and details, I've already started the preparations and drafted the paperwork (I'm a divorce attorney), and I'm hopeful that we can spend 6 months in transition helping our boys, and finish this off with a vacation that we've prepaid for and end this as friends. After all, he's the one who's spend 23 years saying he's done, he wants a divorce, it's over. I can't make this work without him doing anything, I can hire someone to clean the toilet. I need CONTENT!!
Good luck with your divorce....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
If your H only has ADHD then maybe divorce will work out and go as smoothly as one can go. As a divorce atty, you know that's not that likely, but you can hope. :)
However, since you are a divorce atty, you also know that if your spouse has any other mental health issues, particularly any personality disorder issues, you could see them flare up big-time now. The same person who will insist that "it's over, I want a divorce," can turn on you when they realize that the OTHER person wants out.
oh no! YOU can't want the divorce. Only I can want the divorce. I get to reject YOU. YOU don't get to reject me.