For the longest time, I have scratched my head when my H would be unreasonable/yell/etc and then he'd excuse his response by saying, "you've been a bitch all (week, month, day, etc). I would think back and wonder what he was talking about because I had not been "bitchy".....as a matter of fact, H will proudly tell others that I'm always in a good mood, and that I never nag. (which of course, leaves others scratching their heads because of his complaints about me then don't fit with that.)
Now that our kids are old enough to "chime in" they'll often say, "mom hasn't been bad at all." (Of course , H should never call me a bitch in front of our kids (or anytime) but he has no self-control. ) Having our kids back me up reassured me that I wasn't missing something.
But, over time I've come to realize what is going on. Part of this is the "now, not now" thing going on. IF H is mad about something, that is NOW, and therefore in his mind....everything. So, if he thinks I'm being a bitch right now, then in his mind that is "all the time." That is the NOW.
however, there is another aspect....what H thinks is "being a bitch" is not what a normal, healthy person thinks is being a bitch. If I have to politely tell H to "wait a sec" because I'm doing something and can't stop to come to him at that moment., or if I have to politely put my finger to my mouth as a "hush" sign when I'm on the phone, then he thinks that is "being a bitch". He also hates it when I'm near a noisy thing (washer, dryer, dishwasher) and I have to ask him to repeat what he just said from across the room. He finds many normal things upsetting and jarring. .
His paradigm, my paradigm, others paradigms
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
OverwhelmedWife,
There was a time in my life that I needed other's to validate what I felt or saw. Now I do not. On the other hand, it was nice when I finally shared a bit of my frustration in my marriage with my sisters. It was than that I realized that many people in my family are concerned for my spouse.
I do get angry. I do get frustrated at my ability to make a positive change - as far at our relationship goes. Meaning a positive change that will provide me with the things I need to survive as a human, as a wife, as a woman.
I do my best to make it clear that it is I, Liz, who is at her wits end. I try not to blame, not bash my spouse's being. His behavior is where I am struggling. I am not perfect. I do not think I do it perfectly. I am fed up, overwhelmed, and defeated - as far as my marriage goes.
As I get close to that deadline, my spouse has tossed some veiled threats at me that I guess were suppose to make me panic in fear - "I have never said one thing about you to your family. They will be shocked when they find out what I have had to put up with." It is a fact that out intimate life ended 4 years ago. In the few years prior to that point, there had been longer and longer periods of time between intimacy, until the whole thing died - for me. I tried doing the "You must keep your husband's sexual needs satisfied." A marriage is more than sex. I felt used. I felt as though I was a commodity. I miss intimacy. I miss romance. I miss cuddling. I miss every part of it. Sex means so much more to me than all things physical.
I think I have passed the test. His words did not make me panic or fear or try to fix. It is what it is. They will be entitled to their opinions.
No one else lives in our house. No one else knows what happens behind our closed doors.
Liz